Full of Earth and Dirt

Weary

2011-11-13T19:42:00.001-05:00

You know, I was about to start do an entry that was about being weary and with an elaborate explanation about why I probably have been feeling weary the past several weeks. Which then started turning into a moping fest on my end while staring at the screen wondering what I was going to write exactly, and feeling awful while going on a Death Spiral -- you know, the thing that happens when your brain becomes a negativity factory and you can't get out of your head.

I decided I needed to find a different way to write about my weariness, because the other way sure as heck wasn't working.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks, on and off. I've also had a lot of stress in my shoulders and neck - but that's not necessarily a new thing. I've been worrying about the future in ways that are horribly pessimistic. You know: the Death Spiral. It looks like this:

I can't go out with friends because apparently socializing requires money.
I won't be able to get an art studio again, ever.
I won't be able to make money as an artist because I can't get into galleries, because I can't pay for stupid frames or stupid jury fees.
And who would buy my art anyway.
Oh and while we're at it, we will never be able to get a house because we're forever going to be stuck in the city, making enough money to be paycheck to paycheck. And because we'll never have a house we probably won't be able to start a family either.
And therefore we will never progress as human beings. EVER.

.......

I hate that Death Spiral. It looks a lot more sinister than this, of course... like a shifty shadowy figure that turns out to be a werewolf chasing you until you can't breathe. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Needless to say, I've been weary. Now today in church I had a good reminder of what to do when I'm weary: "Come to me," (that's Jesus talking), "all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. But let's just be honest. For the past year I've been having a hard time fully trusting Jesus with my life and future. He's still my Savior, who is the only one who can and did die for my sins (even my sin of worrying and not trusting him), but I am having a heck of a time being hopeful for the future when the job I thought I'd do for a long time - college ministry - was gone. Granted, there is a blessing in being shown why I left ministry. It was sucking the life out of me because I was trying to do it on my own power. God was calling me out of it so I wouldn't shrivel up and die, running around like wonder woman as the only campus minister to an entire school. I always thought that having a flexible schedule was awesome, till it started swallowing up every waking hour. I'll tell you one thing though: I was at my lightest weight while I was running around the city to and from meetings with students! Joking aside, I loved spending time with students, but it all became too overwhelming when I also wanted to spend time with my husband and friends. Since I was trying to do things on my own power, and while I was running around like an idiot, I wasn't exactly spending a lot of time with God.

With that in mind, yes, leaving college ministry was probably the best thing I could do at the time that I left - as much as it sucked and as I felt like a disappointment/failure to my students. At the same time, leaving ministry derailed the way I thought life was going to go. Suddenly I felt thrown to the wolves. Then I got a job, and I've been very blessed to have the job I have. Yet there's still and underlying notion of being thrown to the wolves because Scott has also had his fair share of having plans dashed to pieces and strangely reassembled but still looking a little askew. Or, rather, it's taking a bit longer to get the plans moving than we both anticipated - for various reasons.

So, here I am, fretting about what in the world the "plan" is. Do I have goals? I don't feel like I do. I have ephemeral aspirations to do "something," "someday," but it's not well defined and there's hardly a path to get to it. I want to do all the things I mentioned previously, but setting goals for those things is sort of beyond me right now. I feel trapped in one place, and I could really use some help seeing what's around me. Like I need a breath of fresh air, a new vision, a renewing in my heart. I want to be able to say from Proverbs 31: 25 that I am a woman who is clothed in strength and has no fear of the future.

I guess that's where I am right now. I'm stuck, and weary, and I don't want to be anymore.

"But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
...
I am full of earth and dirt and You"

There are days I feel like a Pollock painting on the inside.

2011-10-05T14:35:00.008-04:00

I've said too many times that I always think of tons of things to blog about and never do, and now suddenly it's October and the last thing I wrote was in July. So we'll move past the self pity regarding blogging and get right to self pity about being an artist.

(just kidding. mostly)

You know how some mornings when you wake up to get ready for work, you have a flood of thoughts all at once about one particular thing, and you don't even know how it got implanted in your brain in the first place? And it bothers you for days? No? Okay, well I experience days like that. Recently, I've been thinking about how why as an artist I create things. In particular, the way a selection of drawings/paintings over the course of the past 10 years looks like totally different people made some of them. Actually, even over the past 5 years since college doesn't altogether count. Regardless, it seems pretty in-cohesive. I'm an artist flailing around in the dark, not really totally sure what I want my art to look like, or continue to look like. I'll push it this way, then the other way, and then enjoy each of what was produced.. then later hate that I can't stick with one style. One day it's, "YES, this is what I want!" and the next it's, "AHHHG WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? I FAIL AS AN ARTIST!" and later regain my composure after walking away.

Then again... I'm three years shy of 30, and I would suspect that most artists don't have a set style until well after that - provided they stick to it. But I could be saying that just to make myself feel better. Not sure. While I have friends who are artists, I'm not actually camped in any kind of immediate art community that is helpful in fine-tuning my direction. The Bible talks about ironing sharpening iron in the means of following Jesus faithfully - sticking to community that helps you stay directed. There's a phrase I've heard ad-nauseam (though I do not disagree with it) since college: A lone ranger Christian doesn't survive. Likewise, I think there's a grain of truth to adjusting the phrase that a lone ranger artist doesn't survive. But that kind of seems like an artist's stereotypical M.O.: the one on the OUTSIDE who is secluded and slaving away in the studio rather than have normal social interactions with other people (actually that sounds very much like many computer geeks as well..hmm). I have friends who are artists, some of who I have astounding relationships with and wouldn't trade them for anything. But somehow we rarely intentionally talk about our art in a way that is helpful, nurturing, and challenging. I think we just don't think of it.

As an aside, there actually there IS a community that gets together that I know of, yet guess what: work gets in my way and they all meet outside the city! Curse being city- and budget-bound! But I digress. There's some rumblings amongst those friends about fixing this problem... so I hope it happens soon. Another problem I noticed from my artist friends is that we have grand ideas that somehow never seem to quite come together -- or at the very least, that's me. I don't know how I ever bring a painting from start to finish with that awful character flaw.

I do have one success out of all this confusion. Or, what I consider a success. I haven't had anyone actually critique this painting before because I'm terrified of what might be said. I started this self-portrait at the end of 2007 and it finally worked its way to being finished in 2009. There are a lot of elements of the finished product that I really liked (one of them is not how well I can do a portrait, yuck) and have utilized in other paintings and I keep trying to figure out ways to push those elements. So.. maybe at long last I will have some kind of cohesive style?

Hooray! Finished product! Now if I could only get money to submit to art galleries.

Bucket List

2011-07-10T17:03:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I really even looked at my "Bucket List of things to do before I turn 30." So I figured I would quickly take a look at what I've done, and what I'd like to edit on my list.

1. Live in a place with free laundry

2. ~~Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed~~ We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle.

3. Have an art studio again

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. ~~Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine~~ - this one I can't say I've completed, but I have started going to the gym, and have taken yoga classes, and I have gone to one Women & Weights class (next one is this weekend!)

6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. ~~Do some crazy food challenge~~ I realize that doing a food challenge totally contradicts my #19, having a healthier diet, and I only thought of it at the time because I was obsessively watching Man vs. Food. That guy ain't messing around; a food challenge would kill me. Instead, I'd rather: Cook for others, and with others, more.

17. ~~Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term~~ I have to question if I even have time/energy to do this. Maybe it should be simply: Volunteer.

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical. - I am failing miserably at this.

24. ~~Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper.~~ Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - I've seen my brother twice since creating this list, which is more than I've seen him in the course of a few months than before writing this list. I'm hoping to keep the momentum somehow.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill??

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

Boiling Point

2011-06-12T20:26:00.004-04:00

I don't normally "curse," and try to make it as least commonplace in my vocabulary as possible, opting for either funny or more creative words. But today, for certain, I felt like an ass and definitely behaved in accordance with someone you might call an ass.

I was waiting at the bus stop, minding my own business, when a panhandler came up to me. This isn't uncommon in Philadelphia, and usually I am polite about declining money or even fork over some spare change. Not today. He starts verbatim with how I've been approached before, "Excuse me miss, I have a simple question and I don't mean no disrespect --"

And I cut him off, and ask if he was going to ask me for money, and explained that I have heard other start exactly the same way before.

So he says, "Or I could just have a blessing. I haven't slept, and I don't have a job. I'm sorry, maybe I'll ask more respectfully." Or something to that effect, and he walked away.

Yep. The worst part about it is that I was on my way to try to get to a church related meeting. It was very upsetting, and I surprised myself. I've never been outright such a jerk to someone before - at least, not in a way that I knew it. This time, I was an ass and I knew it. The immediacy of the remorse was overwhelming and I've been upset about it all day. I'm still processing, asking myself where this came from and why I got so defensive? would it have hurt to give him a buck? or to give him the banana I had in my bag? or at least be nice about saying no? What would have been good to reconcile my initial hostility, was to say "You know, let me pray for you right now."

Nope.

You might think I'm overreacting, but it twists me in knots to have been such a glaring misrepresentation of Jesus to somebody. Jesus taught that from out of the mouth the heart speaks. Which, in this instance, means that my heart is not in a very good place and my behavior is following suit. There's something churning deep down that must be desensitized to the needs of others, lacks compassion, and is really getting tired of being approached by strange men who either are going to ask for money or be weird or hit on me.

To see the error so immediately is a stinging slap in the face to wake up. Hello, Heart? Where are you? What's going on? The alarms are going off!

While I'd like to blame that living in Philadelphia has made me more rough around the edges than soft, I know it's not totally true. To go on a quick tangent: I've come to a conclusion that Philly is a hard place to live if you don't like beer -- I can appreciate the appreciation for the craft and art of artisan beer, but I don't like the stuff or generally scenes that come with it. It's kind of isolating, and feels awkward when you're the only one who either wants a soda or a water, since I am also very particular about the girly drinks I do actually like. But I digress, as that's a topic for an altogether different entry. Back to the topic at hand... I could say that getting out of Philly may make things a little better, and those hardened edges will wear down some. But while wanting to move may make it less likely to happen, it doesn't solve the problem of my reaction to such encounters. Adjusting behavior doesn't change what's really going on; if anything, the problem will manifest itself in a different way. I don't know how I got to such a boiling point of being such an outright ass, but I know it's not right. I have some ideas but my compass is totally out of wack.

Paul put it very succinctly in Romans 7: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."

He goes on to say that Christ needs to intervene and through the Holy Spirit make changes... I pretty sure I know where my heart needs to go to find out just what in the world is going on.

Sluggish Thoughts

2011-06-01T10:58:00.003-04:00

I've probably complained about it being really hot in Philadelphia during the summer more times than I can actually count. So I'll refrain, and simply say that it's hot and it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Humidity saps my energy and strength almost as quickly as Kryptonite saps Superman's.

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of the day I married the love of my life, lost my virginity later that day (woohoo!), and started on the amazing journey of the rest of our lives. We're goofy and have fun with one another. We don't really do "romantic" outings, because not only is the iconic idea of romance expensive, it is also very awkward and not our style. I'd rather go eat the most amazing barbeque in the city than at a five-star restaurant that requires formal attire. Those places just feel rigid and unnatural to me. They kind of freak me out. Anyway. Three years later, it's still just the beginning, and there is much adventure and obstacles on the road ahead of us. Much has happened in three years, and so much more is to come. It is slightly frightening, but even more exciting.

Sometimes I reflect on my wedding day and think about all the "oh, I wish we did that," after attending the ceremonies of several friends. In retrospect, I feel like things could have been done differently. Really, I didn't know what the hell I was doing putting a wedding together more-or-less on my own. I did not put together an amazing party for my friends and family. But I have to stop that on-coming train wreck of thought, and realize that it doesn't matter. All the money, flowers, professional photographers, and hip, out-of-the-box ideas in the world could not replace the words and vows shared between my husband and I. That is all a lovestruck girl really wanted: an upstanding man to look me in the eye and pledge his unwavering love and commitment, and to do the same back.

I have a problem with comparing my life to other friends who are married, which always leads to a bad place. I look and see friends who already have a house, a dog (which is undeniably more responsibility than two cats), a kid (or two), and have an envious cloud come up before my eyes. I want a house with A/C, with a washer and dyer, and a dishwasher. I want a yard in which I can grow herbs and tomatoes and peppers. I want to start a family that is beyond my wonderful cats. I want a second car so I can go where I want, when I want. I suddenly become more and more dissatisfied with where I live, how I live, and the way I got married. Envy -- our more perhaps Biblically, covetousness -- is a nasty thing that rises up in you and makes you think that everything you have sucks, and that everything everyone else has is gloriously amazing. And then I start to think that oh, if only we had more money, it would fix everything, because I see money as the enemy and that is the only reason why I do not have the things that I want.

No. It would not. Money would not suddenly become my friend and fix everything that I perceive as being wrong in my life. It might help things out a little, but it would not fix anything. Namely, it would not fix my heart nor my attitude.

I am very blessed to be married to a man that loves me, who does not turn his gaze to pornography when he wants to escape, who does not hurt me or lord over me. I am very blessed to live in a nice apartment. I am very blessed, even, to have two kitties who make me laugh and satisfy my love of furry creatures. I may even be blessed to not have had children yet - which is harder to admit, but in many ways I know we are not ready to have a baby be it psychologically, or even financially. It is pretty awesome that I can get fresh fruit and veggies at all from Whole Foods or even better, from one of the many local outdoor markets in Philadelphia. What I need to learn is some patience, and with patience, praying that the Lord would make a way for these things to happen sometime, and that we would both focus on enjoying Him first, and being thankful for what we have now. Wanting some of those things isn't bad per se (like wanting a family), but throwing a mental tantrum over it is probably not the best thing to do.

Besides. It isn't the material things that make life satisfying. Anyone who follows the farcical lives of celebrities will know that they are some of the most unsatisfied, unhappy people in the world. I don't want that. I want to be satisfied in knowing that I have a God who loves me and cares for me, and will get me through all the hardships the world can throw at me through Christ. I'm still working on that, clearly, and I don't always understand what that means. But it is helpful to have a husband around who is trying to do the same thing, and that we can encourage one another in faith. And that is probably the biggest "material" blessing I can have, through thick and thin.

So here's to three years of marriage, and ten times as many to come.

Hey, here's one way you can help an artist...

2011-05-30T18:33:00.003-04:00

Buy stuff; cheap! I've decided to go through some old artwork from college and put a bunch of it up in my Etsy shop in order to get it out of my apartment... I'm too much of a sentimentalist to throw some of this stuff out, since I'd put so much work into these things. There are a few current items, but they're mostly drafts of some kind that pass as pieces on their own.

I've marked down the prices from what I would have wanted to sell them for when I originally made them, since they've just been living a lonely life in storage. Art doesn't do anyone any good if it's not out in the open somewhere.

Anyway, I hope you or someone you know would like to purchase something! I am also considering taking some illustrations out of my sketchbooks from High School. But that's more for making a little extra cash.

Etsy
yivviepants

Etsy Throw-together

2011-05-20T23:35:00.012-04:00

I haven't posted in quite a while, since a lot has been going on but at the same time not much has been happening. Rather than post something of intellectual interest, I randomly decided that I was going to re-visit throwing together an outfit through the help of Etsy.... and by outfit, I really mean that I asked myself,

"Self, what kind of outfit or costume would you throw together utilizing Etsy?"

Well of course I would LOVE to put together a steampunk costume.

I'm not IN the steampunk scene so much as I admire it from afar and gobble up steampunk costumes and style. I love the idea of it, and if I could actually afford to go gallivanting around at a random convention as my own steampunk character I probably would. But to make it look right, you have to throw out quite a lot of cash. This particular outfit altogether would be nearly $1,500. There are much simpler ways to do it of course that aren't as extravagant. However, although I have a small love for looking at photos of home-made costumes for conventions -- Comicon and Otakon come to mind in particular -- I know that home-made can sometimes go horribly awry.

But, without further ado, here's the costume.

First of all, you have to have a nice coat as a basic piece of attire. It can get cold or rainy, and I for one don't want to be unprepared.

I struggle with finding shoes for myself NOW... but as for a costume, it's easy. It's even easier when I don't have to actually wear these.. Note, the etsy link is actually just for the "spat" - the accessory that is covering the shoes. Let's pretend the shoes come with it.

Every steampunk gal has to have a corset. It's like a rule or something.

Finding a blouse that would at all be appropriate for this kind of thing was difficult. Since it's steampunk, I went with something a little more modern, that would probably look better tucked in than to be out.

Breeches with a bustle. For some reason, I think that's awesome. No worry of a skirt, but still feminine.

I think steampunk jewelry can be the most interesting costume jewelry out there, since it's got a little bit of mechanical raw-ness, and if done right, still looks elegant. And, you can throw in non-steampunk specific jewelry with it and it looks totally fine. It's a mishmash of two different worlds, afterall.

And just for fun... a Plague Mask. I would lean more towards goggles, but goggles seem to be overdone, and finding some that aren't cyberpunk on Etsy is more difficult than I anticipated. Plus, Plague Masks are just interesting to me. Not sure if it could actually be pulled off with this outfit, but I'd try.

Time to go to bed.

Hopes and Words

2011-02-09T15:45:00.003-05:00

HOPES

I've been very contemplative today. I've been coming back to a line from a spoken word piece by Listener, called "Wooden Heart." Well, really I've been thinking about the entire "song" all morning since I think it reflects some of what I've been feeling and have felt across the board. The first time I heard it was live, in person. It was impacting in a way that I'd forgotten till the video came up on Facebook (of all things).

My hopes are weapons that I'm still learning how to use right.

My hopes are weapons. If my hopes are weapons, regardless that I'm still learning how to use them right - shoot. I have to ask, What are my hopes? Where do I put my hope? I'm the type that's prone to get depressed and have bouts of despair when things are tossed into confusion. But lately I've wanted to kick and curse and fight, and downright refuse to despair in light of events we weren't expecting. I don't know what direction our lives are going to take now, but I do know that I live with the belief that there's a God who not only cares in my distress, but is present and will provide. I've known that all along, even in my despair - but something is different now. I'm tired of curling up in a ball as a response to circumstances that are, in all honesty, outside of my control. I'm even shaking my fist at the winter weather and refusing to let a bleak season drag me down -- though sunnier days certain help me feel less oppressed.

WORDS

On a similar but also very different note, I stumbled across a poem I'd written and had completely forgotten about. I used to write poetry with some frequency, but since moving to the city and being a busy girl and otherwise preoccupied, I haven't written anything in several years. Perhaps this is a key to outletting some of my creativity, since creating massive pieces of artwork is not entirely possible at the moment. Anyway, I thought I'd share the poem. It was written in 2006, and I believe it may have been one of last poems I've written. It is titled Logos, as in the Greek word. I recommend checking it out in the dictionary if you're not sure what the word means. I was a fan of writing with uber imagery, like the kind that is bursting at the seams. You'll see what I mean.

What are words, but that which gives ephemeral form
to thoughts and pictures,
or syllables weaved together to create a new sound?
And from whence does it come?
A box that cannot contain that which it produces:
foreign creatures with wings,
anxious to break free and be taken away by the wind,
left to ride the backs of thunderheads
This is the immersion of voice, buried deep yet exposed,
raised letter by letter like the resurrection of saints
and falling as a holy waterfall

Yet so much more are the strokes of a pen
that grace the surface of a sleek white virgin page,
truly allowing it to breathe some new thing
Word given form, shape and purpose
bringing to potential paper and ink, united as a bride to a groom
The result leaves humanity colliding with divinity,
drawn in by a shepherd's hook that brings the cold close
and holds her in a warm embrace

What are these words that fall off the tongues of cherubim,
cresting the edge of the world like satin white horses?
The lungs of man will be filled with poignant pictures,
and trifold 'holies'
The pen will make his mark on internal walls,
saturated with the sound of glory

These new things, these shapes and figures-
whence do they come?
Not from the depths of the sea, nor bellows of the earth
is it heard or seen or smelt or tasted
A voice of such words that are foreign,
yet inviting the Dark to be pierced by Light
and speaking in a beautiful spectrum that is hidden by angels
The syllables are deep and brought to the surface,
the infrastructure of the world cradled in the palm of one word
and blazing into unseen cardiac highways

Here we go.

2011-02-02T22:01:00.002-05:00

Several of the items on my list are actual tangible things I am able to do and cross off. Other things are less tangible, and require quite a bit more than "just doing it" and need some larger change in my life. Either way, this is my list! Or at least, this is my list right now because I hate making lists and trying to think of things I've never done or would like to do.

1. Live in a place with free laundry
2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed
3. Have an art studio again
4. Seriously pursue having kids
5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine
6. Take a self-defense class
7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again
8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy
9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)
10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper.

25. Visit my brother more.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden.

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

I'm addicted to Etsy and Ice Cream

2011-02-02T09:43:00.006-05:00

Etsy.com is a website dedicated to artisans and would-be crafters all over the globe who want to sell their wares and (usually) hand made goods. Some are amazing and jaw-dropping, others are closer to what you would find in your local flea market.

I love Etsy, enough to draw a heart around it on a piece of paper (but not on a tree. I don't love it that much.) I have spent countless hours perusing Etsy, not only in my boredom, but also in my constant search for materials to make my own necklaces because I can usually find some unique supplies there. I enjoy looking at the things I wish I could put in my home, or wear. I've more recently questioned, "Where was Etsy when I got married?!?" Oh, sure, Etsy was there and in existence. I just didn't really know what wonders were in store until much later. C'est la vie. But in this questioning of what-could-have-been, and because I spend so much time on Etsy anyway I am deciding to throw together Etsy outfits just for the heck of it. I was a tom-boy girl, and I suppose you could say this is a good opportunity to exercise the stereotypical feminine talent of putting together a good looking outfit without spending money or doing leg work.

TA-DA:

I've linked each photo with the item as it's being sold on Etsy -- unfortuantely the cute little bird purse has already been sold ages ago, and there aren't any duplicates in the store. But, it's still nice to look at at least.

I know I still owe this blog a finished 30 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I'M 30 list, but I don't have one yet. It may show up here some time later today though, as it is cold outside, icy, and I don't have anywhere to really *go* until later on this evening. We'll see. I also need to take care of chores and possibly working on or even delivering some necklaces. Hmm.

Twenty-Seven

2011-01-08T16:04:00.007-05:00

Today it's my birthday. It's snowing, it's Saturday, and later I am having sushi. Score.

Since the last post, I got my hair cut. While that was happening - and maybe it was the lighting - I was reminded of how dreadfully pale I am, especially in the winter. I'm hoping it was the lighting, although I am aware of my inability to tan at all. I looked like a ghost compared to my stylist, whose melanin is more ample with ruddy undertones than mine. At least my freckles don't betray me in the summer. But, really, that has nothing to do with my hair. For my hair, I now have bangs. See?

I've pretty much parted my hair the same way all of my life -- or at least as long as I've been able to "style" my own hair. At 27, I decided to switch things up and tell my stylist to have at it and be inspired. (I am certain that most stylists do not want a client to say that. Ever.) She asked if I wanted to keep the part in my hair the way it has been, and I said, "I want to part it either way now, I want something different; so whatever would look best." Viola: Bangs. It's a big difference for me and that's what I wanted. It feels strange looking in the mirror, so I'm still getting used to it. But I like it. Just thought I'd share.

Also, I've managed to work on some artwork that has been sitting, waiting for me, over the past few months. Although I am not totally satisfied with how things are going so far, these are merely works-in-progress. So I've still got time to change things up a bit. The first is a little bit of a mess at the moment, and still in the early stages of development.. which works out fine, since I'm still trying to refine this particular painting style I'm going for. I've also got to tweak the composition a little, either through re-painting areas or through color. We'll see. It'll be a while before the final piece comes to fruition (yay oils!).

As for the second piece, it is a pretty far cry from the type of work I've been doing over the past few years. For one, it's mostly blue, rather than yellow ochre. Secondly, and equally as obvious, is that there's a whale. If you know me, you could safely say that birds have been my animal-symbol of choice for a while. I put them everywhere. But whales? Whales have been bubbling up in my head for a little while now, and it's just been a matter of time for me to figure out how to portray them the way I want. This piece is only the beginning.

What I'm iffy on about this drawing, though, are the lines swirling around the whale. The idea is pulled from ocean current maps. Visually, it needs more work. Not sure what to do with it yet either, or how to refine what I've got. I'm using pastel pencils, and I think that if I were using paint or making an etching or even collagraph, I would have a much better idea where to go from here. On the other hand I think it's good for me to challenge myself with a different sort of medium.

Almost time to go have sushi. Since my girl kitty Autumn is wandering the apartment talking, I should probably go play with her a little bit before I leave. Perhaps tomorrow I'll work on the rest of that Bucket List from the last post, although one of two things could happen after I get home from church, that would distract me from such a thing as blogging: Dragon Age (my husband suggest I try getting an RP game for the Xbox so I would have a video game to play on my own; I should have declined since I know how easily I get sucked into those types of games. Final Fantasy Playstation games, anyone?); or hopefully working on necklaces to sell.

Hey there, 2011...

2011-01-05T12:57:00.002-05:00

Sitting on my new couch, enjoying the new layout of our living room (the feng shui is way better than it was before), and avoiding the office -- which is piled with music equipment, due to an unfortunate incident in which my husband was removed from the band he was in -- I figured it was high time to mess around with my blog on my day off. I'm also waiting to go get my hair cut, and it was either write a blog or play video games. Or make some kind of finagled artwork.

Or go sit in a coffee shop and work on reading Female Chauvinist Pigs, or start reading The Great Divorce. Or continue reading Opening to God: Lectio Divina and Life as Prayer. (I have a nasty habit of trying to read several books at once)

Anyway.

It's 2011, and only a few days till my 27th birthday. Hooray! I actually find myself in a weird, almost limbo sort of place since my husband was asked to leave the band he was in, and my mind has been a battleground of conversations that will never happen with former band members and being sore at God for life getting twisted up in a frustrating way again. However, I must remind myself in the midst of this no-clue-what's-next moment that that is what it is: a moment. A season. 2010 as a whole felt like a fall and winter of transitions, and I'm hoping spring is around the bend (both literally and figuratively). I must also remember that all-in-all we are doing well. God is taking care of us; we have a roof over our head, no want in our bellies, and friends & family (and two cats) who love us. So really, its our hearts and our attitudes that need to be adjusted. I pray this comes together soon.

I also hope that both my husband and I will be able to implement our creative energies in some way besides it all sitting in the office (all of my artwork and materials are also piled there). Thankfully, I have a solo-show in April that I should be preparing for soon, and a possible opportunity to help put together a show sometime in the Fall, which is encouraging. We'll see what is in store for Scott.

That aside.. my lovely friend Erin has issued a challenge to come up with a sort of bucket list of 30 things to do before turning 30 years old. I can't help but be caught up in her enthusiasm! however I'm terrible at coming up with lists. Here's what I've got so far:

11. Do a professional photo shoot (preferable with the hubby)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

Ok. I can't think of any more right now because my stomach is gurgling at me and it's high time I run some errands before getting my hair cut. More to come at some point; I'll try not to hold you in suspense.

I wouldn't say this is exactly "rising from the ashes..."

2010-12-19T11:04:00.003-05:00

This blog has been quiet for far too long. In fact, it's been so long that I won't even bore you with the details of the past several months besides saying that I have a stable job that I enjoy (as opposed to an unstable job that I enjoyed) and every time I think about making artwork, I feel like I want to explode because there is a sufficient lack of space in which I can make art.

That's not why I'm writing this blog entry, however.

At the beginning of last year - in the thick of winter - I realized that winter in the city with its gray concrete, gray buildings, gray sky, and dead trees made me feel depressed. It was a nice revelation since it gave insight into why I would want to cry and not want to get out of bed some days during winter months. With that in mind for this year, my wonderful husband made sure that I read over a little article, sent from HQ of where he works, about how to gird myself against the assailant known as Winter Blues. I thought I'd share with some snarky commentary.

Lighten Up The Winter Blues

Feeling tired, irritable or unmotivated? (why yes! I am starting to feel that way). You’re not alone. 1 in 4 people usually feel some form of seasonal winter sadness. Add in tough economic times, and you may be suffering a 1-2 punch.

Fortunately, most people benefit from some simple steps:

Look to the light.
Seasonal sadness may be tied to shorter days and less natural sunlight. Open blinds or curtains first thing in the morning; walk outdoors in the daylight for up to an hour a day if possible; increase natural light indoors. Brighten up your home by adding additional lamps and lighting fixtures during the winter months. Spend time outside on warmer days when possible.

(I would love to add an array of lighting in our apartment, since it's already dark to begin with. The classic villain here: Electric Bill. Introducing the glory of artificial sun also introduces the pinch of paying for it. Energy saving bulbs would help except I can only find cool shades and nevermind that they contain mercury. Going outside shouldn't be a problem, except the cold...)

Color your world.

Studies show that red can encourage activity and overcome depression. Yellows stimulate. Orange shades bring joy. No need to repaint home or office however; just spot-treat with throws, pillows, flowers or artwork.

(This is actually a fantastic idea; and I love color. The chronic problem I have is that I am perpetually drawn to shades of blue, purple, and green. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy warmer colors. I just can't seem to figure out how to incorporate them in either my wardrobe or home decor. We sleep in blue sheets. There are browns/blues/greens in the living room. The bathroom is blue/white/black. I am obsessive-compulsively 'cool,' and not in the sense of being awesome.)

Get jumpin’ jack.
One hour of outdoor exercise can be as mood elevating as 2.5 hours of clinical light therapy. Even indoor exercise can have a positive effect; just get in the habit and stick with it. Starting an exercise routine and sticking with can boost energy levels and endorphins so you feel more alert.

(It's time I confess: the idea of exercise makes me cringe regardless of how much I know it would be beneficial. Let me tackle the color problem I have and then maybe I'll feel motivated enough to exercise.)

Up and at 'em!
Resist the urge to oversleep, and get on a regular sleeping schedule that allows you to be awake as much as possible during sunlight hours. Avoid taking naps.

(This is a realm I have little control over, but at least it's in a positive way. Not only does my body refuse to nap unless I am ill, and I wake up at the crack of dawn to sit in front of a desk and greet cats and dogs and their owners at a hospital. The latest I sleep in on my day off is usually before 10:00am.)

Eat smart.

Cold weather increases cravings for carbohydrates. Avoid the ups, downs and weight gain from fatty sugar foods by eating whole grains like oats or rice and nutritious fruits and veggies. Discipline yourself not to overeat, too. Avoid junk foods and environments that may encourage bingeing

(Ok. I'm game for this! Just that Thanksgiving going into Christmas and all the leftovers is not a great way to try that out. But this is something I can at least manage the easiest.)

Now all I need are healthy doses of peppy music and move to a state that has shorter winters... or figure out a way to make winter trips to Hawaii.

Creed (not to be confused with the band)

2010-09-14T22:58:00.005-04:00

I believe that my talents are a gift from God and I am to use them to fulfill His purposes in my life and for His world.
I humbly acknowledge and accept my gifts and ask to receive God's vision for how I am to use them.
I ask the Holy Spirit to free me from self-doubt and self-absorption.
I pray this work will bring me into closer alignment with Jesus as I seek to use my gifts and talents for His glory and to becomethe whole and complete person He intends me to be.

*not written by me, but an echo from my own heart. The artwork, however, is my own creation.

Did I miss the expiration date on that?

2010-09-05T12:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Dirt-

I'm not sure if I want to address my blogs as "dear..." anymore. It's fun. But I need to think of something more creative... Maybe "Dear terra firma..." Hmm. I'm also realizing that my blog is about as visually interesting as Wonderbread. Any other blogging friends that can help me out?

Anyway... the long overdue art rant is here! Cue the music. Let's go.

I "lost" my art studio back in December/January. By "lost" I really mean that, despite that deep grace I had shacking up my stuff in an older church building with other artists, I simply couldn't miss any more monthly payments with a good conscience. There were other issues going on, one was distance from my apartment and lack of an automobile, but money was probably the key reason I needed to pack up and shove everything into our small two-bedroom apartment. Oh... wait, a quarter of it is still in the Explorer. Losing a separate space was depressing for me, which spiraled darker due to other reasons, and I dreaded every trip I had to go in and collect stuff.

Now that Spring and Summer have come and almost gone, I'm just now mustering the creative spirits that be to make stuff again. Over the summer I've been working on piecing necklaces together... To my surprise I found a hobby that I really enjoy. AND I can make money while I do it! That's more than what most folks can say. Heck it's more than what most artists can say. It's meager, but we'll see where it goes. I'm just delighted by the unexpected blessing. But now I want to get back to my usual groove and do drawings and paintings.

So what do I do?

Blog about it.

Why? Well, even though I'm generating a few ideas, those ideas are grand. They involve what I was doing before - 6ft drawings. I can't do 6ft drawings.. in fact, with the furniture, I barely have a 6ft space. Okay so the hallway is pretty good, but it's too narrow for my paper.

You know what my problem is? All I see are obstacles. You'd think that after working in college ministry -- with art students no less -- for four years God would have taught me something about seeing possibilities, rather than obstacles. I guess I have a thick skull because I'm still stuck on obstacles. Once I was shown the gloriousness of larger-scaled drawings by an artist friend, I seem to be having a hard time going back. I need something to kick-start my brain so I can think small again. Going to museums doesn't help... all the art seems to be large and in charge, and anything smaller is way too intricate.

One of the things I'd been working on while trying to shove my creativity was cutting up old journals and finding new ways to use them in an art form. Shortly after I became a Christian, I've journaled retreats, sermons, talks, and whatever else "Christian" I attended. I probably have about 9 journals - not counting the ones I've had in the past year or so. All they do is sit around and take up space. I don't know who I'm kidding by thinking I'll go back and read them. ... Ok, I've done this on a few occasions, usually in the process of moving. But aside from that, I haven't taken the time to flip through old sermon notes and go "ahhh, yes, of course I remember that." Like several people out there, I have this compulsion that one day I will NEED these for something, sometime.

Maybe that time is now. I don't know.

Anyway, so I have these old journals. I've been thinking of cutting them up and reformatting them in a way that no longer makes them private ... obviously, because art is rarely meant to be fully private. But it's a totally different medium. Right now there's little drawing involved, if any. It's just cutting up some paper and trying to think of it in a sculptural way. As a few of my friends already know, I cringe at the idea of doing something sculptural. I had a professor in college that completely turned me off to the idea of being a sculptural artist. I hated that class because the professor made me feel like I would never amount to anything as an artist. She never said that, but her teaching style SCREAMED it. Thankfully, I never took a class with her again; unfortunately that also means that I haven't bridged into anything sculptural since. Also as a result, I view sculptural art with a very wary, almost suspecting eye. Like it's going to betray my sense of being an artist somehow; as if it's judging me. Seems crazy, but deep down I know it's true.

Approaching these old journals is profoundly confusing for me. I want to do something, but what? I feel dumb even trying to attempt something, like an apparition of my old professor is shaking her head like I don't have a clue what I'm doing (oh wait, I don't). Who knew a professor would make such a negative impact on my way of approaching art making?! I knew my math teacher in high school destroyed my sense of mathematics, but this?? How awful!

If you've got some artists that I can check out, and encouraging techniques or something I can learn, I would greatly appreciate it. Who can help a sister out?

Lovingly, and with frustration,

Yiv

Family Tree

2010-06-21T14:58:00.005-04:00

Dear Earth,

It's hot.
It's really hot in our office room. So I'm going to keep this really short and to the point.
Because I'm sweating and that's gross. Although it was pointed out in church yesterday that if we didn't sweat, we would probably overheat and die. I suppose I can't complain too much.

Recently I've been floored by the Creator of All Things -- again -- at how he chooses to provide. I've been looking for a job for the past few months, and having a hard time finding something that I'm either remotely interested in, or qualify for, or one that isn't a volunteer (unpaid) job. Call me picky, but I'm trying to find something that is a little more long-term and works towards some semblance of a career. In the midst of my discouragement & anxiety, out of the sky falls a letter from one of my uncles.

Now, here's something that most people don't know about me unless it happens to come up in conversation. I don't know my extended family. I don't know any aunts or uncles except those I've been brought into when dad married my step-mom. So I've never really met any of my aunts or uncles or cousins or whatever.

So out of the sky falls this letter from an uncle of mine, with a sort of inheritance check enclosed with it, at least enough to get us by for the rest of the summer while I still look for a second job. While of course the money is amazing enough, the second most amazing thing is that this is from an UNCLE of mine. You know what that means? That means I can write him a letter back, and prayerfully I'll make some kind of connection with a RELATIVE of mine. I don't think I can really emphasize adequately enough how interested I am in asking questions and questions about this uncle of mine -- and about my mom. Some of the question marks of my family background can maybe get filled with answers.... perhaps some that aren't pleasant, perhaps others that are way amazing... but either way, I want to know about my family if I can. Not to make up for lost time or anything that can't be done, but just to hear the stories I never heard growing up.

And of course as I print the letter, my printer is out of black ink, and I must wait another day before I can mail the letter... which adds another day to when I will be eagerly checking my mailbox for a response. If I get one. A trip to Staples is in order ASAP.

OK. I need to get out of this chair before I get soaked in sweat. Ew.

Tree Hugging, 101

2010-06-16T08:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Earth,

OK -- so I still have yet to deliver on that art blog entry that I said I would write at some point. I have had so many other thoughts zipping through my head, though, and quite frankly art hasn't exactly been my focus recently (a fact which I am sad about). I don't think making jewelry from scraps qualifies for an entry either, at least not yet.

That aside, here's a little introduction before I hike up my proverbial skirt and stand on a soap box. I name my blog "Full of Earth and Dirt," because it's a line from one of my favorite David Crowder Band songs, which you can read the lyrics here. "I am full of earth and dirt, and You" points towards the fact that I am a creature, and I have a Creator. I screw up and God never screws up. I've got all kinds of blemishes, but He is total purity -- but He still embraces me. But the phrase Full of Earth and Dirt means more: I have a responsibility to care about the things God created... people, animals, nature ... Simply because He made it.

I am not what you might consider an environmental activist; or perhaps an activist of any kind. That word, activist, has such a negative (read: political) cloud around it that I generally try to distance myself from using it as a way to identify myself. Don't let that fool you: I do care about things going on around me. Human trafficking (which includes the porn industry) and animal abuse are two examples. I also tend to get fired up about hypocritical and better-than-thou sorts of behavior. I think Fair Trade is a fantastic thing, and Ten Thousand Villages is one of my favorite places.

I remember a drawing that I made when I was a little girl that depicted animals stranded in a field of stumps while loggers cut down trees with chainsaws. Before I had turned 8, I also had subscriptions to Zoo Books and Ranger Rick, magazines featuring detailed but fun information about wildlife and the environment. That's where I first learned about endangered species, actually. Today I'm addicted to Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel. So I have a record for believing that taking care of the world around me is of great importance, though somehow in my adolescence and adulthood I lost sight of that. It wasn't until I started working at a privately owned eco-friendly store that I've begun to do more research on my own about "green" practices, products, foods, etc. and reading articles about what we're doing to the environment.

OK, I'm hiking up that skirt and stepping onto the soap box now.

The BP oil spill is, without a doubt, a massive disaster that will not only affect the environment and ecosystems, it affects the livelihoods of people too. BP seems to not care: clocking out at 5pm, checking out on beach clean-ups when the weather isn't perfect, and overall seemingly taking their time to get the mess sorted out. I'm pretty convinced that all BP cares about isn't so much what they are losing in the oil spill -- but what they will gain in the months to come when gas and oil prices are skyrocketing. Keep an eye on your local gas station prices and see if I'm right (I could be wrong after all). While Obama's charisma has gotten him pretty far, his response to the oil spill feels ... well, less than adequate. Is that wrong? Our system seems to be floundering with the Gulf of Mexico again, just like it did with Katrina. I don't expect Rome to be built in a day, but there are bad things going on here that really shouldn't be or shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But, to BP's credit, they are doing a better job than Chevron has been in the Amazon Rainforest. I recently learned that in Ecuador, Chevron (who bought Texaco) abandoned hundreds of oil-waste pits in the Amazon in the 90's and refuse to clean it up. The 60 Minutes video clip from 2009 sheds quite a bit of light on Chevron's stance, so I suggest following the link I provided. It points out that what happened in the Amazon would never happen in the U.S. -- and certainly wouldn't be a debated problem for 30 years. Though I think BP is dragging their feet, 50 some odd days is like a breath to 30 years. It's appalling. I really don't care about the legalities, why should it even matter what country your in when there are hundreds of oil pits contaminating water and soil in one of our most precious forests on the planet, destroying animals as well as communities of people?

It's like the palm plantations the United States has in Indonesia, Malaysia and Papua New Guinea's tropical forests. Basically, we're carving out acres of tropical forests so we can throw palm trees in for palm oil; and while the companies involved are rolling in the dough, native towns get pennies compared to the overall profit. And palm oil is in practically everything

And that's just the beginning of my lessons of "Tree Hugging, 101." Or perhaps I should say, "Living as a responsible human being and treating people, animals, and the environment with respect, 101." Or we could even say, "Loving God's created everything, 101."

Adventures in learning about what I eat:

This might seem like a tangent but I promise it's not. I get headaches, and quite frequently. We figured out that one problem is that I have a tendency towards iron deficiency anemia. I'm not a vegetarian -- contrary to several folks supposing I must be as an artist -- I just don't seem to get enough iron in my diet. I still get headaches though, usually accompanied by nausea, and my wonderful husband may have struck gold in suggesting that I have a sensitivity to MSG. OK ... so what foods have MSG? Much to my disdain, practically everything I like to eat has some form of MSG in it, and usually masked under a totally different name. Great. That's going to be fun to navigate and try to experiment with. This got us discussing how creepy it is that there are so many chemicals on a Food Label that we don't even know what they are. What exactly is "natural flavoring," anyway? (You'd be surprised!) Ironically enough, as we were discussing these things, a move called Food, Inc. showed up on our Netflix suggested movies, so we decided to watch it.

Can I tell you that I will probably never look at packaged chicken in quite the same way again? And no, it's not because they showed people slaughtering animals in some kind of graphic way. No, it's because only 5 major companies produce consumer meats (pork, chicken, beef). Five. That leaves for a TON of room for problems. Example: chicken farmers can spend over $500,000 on coops for chickens, which puts the farmer in massive debt when they start out. Companies like Tyson demand the chicken coops to be upgraded, costing more money. I use the term "upgraded" loosely, since the coops house hundreds of chickens and have no windows. You would think that the farmer would get a nice return to pay back their chicken coop debt, but you'd be wrong. They get less than $20,000 a year for their chickens.

Chickens, by the way, normally take 3 months to grow to full maturity. Corporation chickens are different. They only about half that time because their growth is accelerated... which means their organs and bones can't keep up with their size, so they can only take so many steps before they need to sit and rest. Kinda creepy, right?

If that wasn't messed up enough, if you speak out against the beef industry when ecoli runs amock and kills children, they turn around and sue you. Yes. They will sue you. They sued Oprah in the late 90's. Isn't that a violation of freedom of speech? I know that speaking out against the Government is generally frowned upon, but apparently speaking out against Beef is worse. This is ridiculous. Equally ridiculous is that Smithfield meat companies have actively recruited Mexican workers (read, they purposefully bring them to the US illegally to work in their factories) -- and when illegal immigration started being a "problem" they handed over the workers to the police to be deported. I'm sorry, why isn't Smithfield being held responsible for doing that in the first place??
What makes it even scarier is the fact that past government administrations have had major players from agriculture and meat industries also as major players in the FDA and USDA -- which means if they don't want to tell consumers they are eating something Cloned or Genetically Altered for example, they can get away with it. It also means companies like Monsanto can have a patent on a genetically altered soy bean, and blacklist farmers who save the beans or accidentally acquire them, and send what may as well be secret police to come get you.

....

I think I'm done standing on my soap box. But I assure you I might be back. I'm not even sure what to do with all of this information because the other thing that really pisses me off is that organic and local foods are expensive, while processed foods and all the foods coming from the underbelly corporations is a lot more affordable. When you're on a budget or hardly have much to spend on a month's worth of food, it's almost like you have no choice. If you want to eat you have to buy what you can afford... but then what I'm eating is either a) laced with mysterious chemicals or b) coming from a corporation that treats the environment/people/animals as totally expendable. What do you do when you're on a budget?

Any suggestions are helpful and encouraged.

If a woman's glory is her hair...

2010-06-03T17:01:00.003-04:00

Dear Dirt,

I just spent 20 minutes in my local pharmacy staring at their (minimal) hair accessory collection. There were clips, hair ties, bobby pins, and various other things that I couldn't even begin to identify, let alone know how to use.All that staring was for naught: I walked out of the store empty handed.

Yes, rather than blogging about art as previously said in my last post, I am writing about hair. Don't worry, this won't take long.

I have long hair that reaches it's little split-end fingertips just beyond my shoulder blades at its longest. I recently took on the adventure of dying it a few shades darker brown, and thankfully I can say that it doesn't look freakish around my pale and -- thanks to summer -- freckled little face. You would think with locks like mine I would have something of an idea of how to style it. But you'd be way wrong. There are two styles that I even bother with:

1. Up in a ponytail, or bunched up in a claw-clip haphazardly.
2. Down and as free as a wild mare.

Part of this is due to the fact that I am just way too low-maintenance to get around to doing something with my hair. I don't know how you girls do it with putting hours into making your hair perfect. I just don't have that kind of patience every day. The other and more important reason is that I simply don't even know what to do with my hair. I can't even put my hair up in a proper bun that doesn't either fall apart every five minutes or look like a tribble died back there. I know how to braid, but not my own hair. I don't think my parents did much with my hair when I was a wee one, to no fault of their own. I certainly didn't learn anything when it was just me, Dad, and my brother about how to deal with girl's hair.

Perhaps if I had a curling iron, then I could experiment... or end up with blistered fingers. Who knows.

It's tempting to say, "Bah! I'll just chop it all off, and then I don't have to worry about it as much." Shorter hair may be easier to deal with, but I've been there. I had a little punk-wanna-be hair cut in college that I could spike out in the back that was a horrible decision for my weight at the time. I look back at photos, and only in retrospect do I realize the cut made my face look like a moon. I'd rather not revisit that. I like my long hair. If you've got any ideas or suggestions for what to do with my hair (or better yet, you can tell me how to put my hair in a proper bun), let me know.

However if I don't find a new way to mess with my hair or do otherwise cute things to it, I'm okay with that.

If you made it this far in reading this randomly pointless entry, thanks. Now, time to get to more important things like art-making, phone-calling, and job-searching.

Yiv

Pushing through some earth

2010-05-25T21:15:00.002-04:00

Dear Earth & Dirt,

I'm deciding to continue beginning entries with "Dear suchandsuch." It makes me feel like I'm actually writing to someone and not just typing words to a largely anonymous and intangible audience.

It's been since January that I wrote a blog entry, as if Avatar was the last interesting thing that's happened in my life up until now. That's not entirely true. I realized in January (or was it February?) that I was struggling with seasonal depression, and I realized I had a lot of errors in my perspective of how, deep down, I think I should be treated by friends. A major shift in my life occurred more recently: I am leaving the ministry work I've known for four years and moving on to God knows what. I went on a personal retreat in the woods at a hermitage, and literally it was a single-person cabin in the woods with little interaction with others. Just me, God, and woodland creatures. It was a good time of reflection and reassessment of what was going on in my life.

So now I'm in a place of looking for and praying for a new career. It's hard to get one when you feel like you don't have much to stand on. Why do I say that? Welp, I went to school for art.

Yes. Art. Printmaking to be precise, but that's neither here nor there.
This is where you shake your head and say, "Way to go."

I realized the implications of gaining a degree in the creative arts. It's not the kind of career move that makes you financially stable unless you're Picasso - and he's dead. Then again, going into full-time ministry isn't exactly the kind of career move that makes you financially stable either. That's the kind of work that you pray hard in, eat lots of humble-pie, and ask God to provide for your needs while simultaneously working hard to invite folks to join your efforts. No easy task when the culture is steeped in the mentality that money comes when Team #1 works hard for it, and it's held in a vice grip unless they are otherwise convinced you are worthy of their donation.

OK. That's not exactly what my experience was like. That's an extreme example. However we do live in a culture that is pretty rooted in the phrase, "MY money." I have a problem with that phrase too. But ultimately money belongs to God (no, not in some massive bank in the sky).

Anyway.
Being an artist I think is just as difficult to be a missionary. As an artist who loves Jesus, I need to pray while I paint, eat lots of humble-pie because my art is not nearly as awesome as Makoto Fujimura, and I need to ask God to give me the fuel of inspiration and to provide for my family's needs. And dear God please help me find a paying job that is somehow related to art! Once again, no easy task, since there are lots of folks out there (sadly, many of them are Christians) who don't think that art is an important and valid activity outside the realm of decorative art or "hobbyist" art.

Even worse is my brothers and sisters that think that the only viable type of art for a Christian to make is if it is strictly obvious that it is about Jesus.

C'mon. I don't think even Jesus was that obvious about who He was in His day, unless people had open eyes and more importantly open hearts to Him. Here's an example in which the irony had to be pointed out to me. On the road to Emmaus, Jesus runs into two guys who don't at all recognize Him (probably thanks to some Divine now-you-see-me, now-you-don't phenomenon). He talks to them about everything that was said to happen to him, and then when they're about to part ways, He pretends to go on His way before they urgently invite Him over for dinner. The Son of God not only veils His identity, but He "acted as if He were going farther." If you don't believe me it's in Luke 24. Jesus totally fakes out His friends. Dude, if Jesus can hide His identity when He's standing right in front of someone to help bring out a greater point of understanding, why can't I make a piece of art that isn't obviously about Jesus?

That all aside... I'm looking for work in a city where work seems to be hard to find. But, nothing is impossible with God. While I'm searching and applying, I'm praying because I've got no other way to get a job. Remember the whole degree in art business? But, nothing is impossible with God. I'm saying that twice because I have to remember that; it's surprisingly easy to forget.

Wow, this entry went a completely different direction I thought it might. Maybe next time around I'll write about an art project I'm slowly working on that involves journals, and making a critique of online journals.

We'll see. It might go a totally different direction.

Covered in dirt,
Yiv

Oops...

2010-05-21T18:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog,

My computer decided to not work in the coffee shop; I'm sorry I stood you up! And then I decided to dye my hair... which, I think I like. It's just been since I was 15 that I dyed my whole head a different color, and I'm actually pretty fond of my natural hair color. I just needed some change that felt more positive than all the other changes going on.

Oh, and in 20 minutes I'm going to a movie with my neighbor. I've known her since October. I was in her (re)wedding two weeks ago, first wedding I've ever been in, and it was a lot of fun. She's from Kenya and has been chased by hyenas -- literally.

I promise I'm not standing you up on purpose.

Love,
Yiv

Twirly-bugs

2010-05-20T18:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Full of Earth & Dirt,

Wow, I am way overdue to write at least some kind of blog entry. My world isn't exploding with activity but I assure you my brain is. Let's make a date soon. Say.. tomorrow at one of the local coffee joints in between my wrongfully-lackadaisical search for a career.

Your loving, yet neglectful writer,
Yiv

P.S. I will warn you though. I may take up several paragraphs and go on tangents. We'll see what happens.

Avatar :: Zalyina

2010-01-02T12:59:00.005-05:00

Scott and I recently went to go see the James Cameron movie, Avatar, in IMAX-3D. If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to curb reading until you see a series of ***'s or else I'll spoil some parts for you. Scroll down now if you'd rather skip it.

Visually speaking alone, the movie is striking and one of the more originally imaginative ones that I've seen in a long time. The plants, creatures, and the Navi themselves are simply stunning and a tremendous amount of detail was worked into everything. The fact that the Avatar Navi and the Navi are distinguished is one thing that really grabbed me. The Avatars are basically a splicing of some human DNA and a whole lot of Navi DNA -- and they have five fingers. The Navi, on the other hand, only have four fingers. Certain concepts are pretty original - at least, so far as I know: the way the Navi control their mounts (ground or in the air) by a braid-like connector? Genius. Just the concept of the Avatars themselves is fairly original -- at the very least, the use of an organic Avatar (as opposed to a robot or a mech and the like.)

Now, the actual storyline itself is not all that original. It's an easy storyline, and I don't fully blame Cameron for doing that -- afterall, most of the money was probably poured into the visual effects. That's why it doesn't look totally out of place when the live-action meets the digital action and the character/creature designs totally rock my socks off. But, I digress. The storyline is like several sci-fi movies: Earth for whatever reason is jacked up, so we're looking to other planets for either resources or a home (that's simplifying it). There are people out there that will take this movie and say Cameron is making a political statement about global warming and colonization -- but, the thing of it is, the trashing of our planet isn't a political issue. It doesn't need to be, just as much as abortion and other hot-button topics don't need to be political issues. The humans don't have any more resources, so some of them (the more military and money driven ones) are out to get resources from Pandora. The 'natives' are stubborn and in the way, so they need to be erradicated if they can't be negotiated with.... sounds like the colonization of the Americas right? But I don't know if Cameron was out to make a critique about that completely... even though the erradication of the Native Americans (both North and South america) is a pretty awful blemish in our history. As I take it, it's more of a critique about HUMANS. All of humanity, no matter where we come from, takes from God's good creation and its creatures without giving much back. I think the attitude is what makes a difference: that of "this is or will be mine so I can use it however I want" and that of "this is a gift, and I need to be thankful for it."

Unfortunately, a lot of Western thought floats around the former. We take advantage of a lot without so much a thought to it being a gift and it being grace that we have anything at all -- particularly if it's of the natural world.

Pandora is a utopian world in which the Navi, the animals, and the plants are all connected... not just in a spiritual way but in a biochemical, biological, bio-electrical sort of way. The Navi are almost quite literally one with the natural world around them. This of course sounds familiar to a lot of native people's way of interacting with the natural world. But again, humanity has its faults. The Navi don't have the appearance of the many faults found in Western lifestyles throughout the centuries. Then again we also don't know how different Navi clans interact with other Navi clans -- it's just suggested that they are not otherwise united.

********************************************************

But, on to a different point of thought. The very title and nature of the movie is very interesting to me... Avatars.

Avatar. n. 1. an embodiment or personification, as of a principle, attitude, or view of life. 2. Computers. a graphical image that represents a person, as on the Internet. (i.e. An image representing a user in a multi-user virtual reality space.)

Early on in the movie you learn that the main character, Jake Sully, is going into the Avatar program in place of his twin brother. You also quickly learn (even just from the previews) is that Jake is in a wheelchair and cannot use his legs. There's a medical procedure through this future military's benefits that would make it possible for him to get his legs back -- but costs way more than what Jake can afford. So to be able to connect to and to use an Avatar that can walk, run, and leap through the forests of Pandora? Beyond Jake's wildest dreams I'm sure! Pandora itself is probably more than anyone could dream and would love for it to exist. Even walking out from the movie and into a dreary gray parkinglot after the movie made me wish Pandora actually existed.

Isn't this something a lot of us desire? A world in which everything is hormonized -- the people, the plants, the animals -- and is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams? Or, if nothing else, don't we desire a world that is better? And bodies that aren't ailing and the evils of humanity aren't destroying everything that is good?

Hundreds - perhaps even thousands - of people escape the world via avatars on the internet. Creating personas that are everything we want to be, and putting aside everything we are not. I can be male, female, or both or neither on the internet. I can look however I want to look, and be whatever I want to be. Or. .. I can be who I think I am on the inside online that I can't be in the real world or I'm just not in the real world.

I'm all too familiar with these desires, and all too familiar with being someone/something online that I can't be in the real world.

Throughout high school (about 10 years ago), I was not Yvonne on the internet. No, the name I wanted to be called was Zalyina. Zalyina was my avatar -- everything I wanted to be and wasn't in the real world. Zalyina was a dragon - from a world untarnished by the faults of humanity, and where living things harmonized with each other and with nature. Humans as a whole were a blemish, and only a few really had any connection to the natural world around them. Now, you might laugh or quirk your eyebrow and think I'm crazy. But I actually believed that, on the inside and in a past life (or two past lives as was the case) I was a dragon. It was a curse to be human because humans never treated each other "humanely" -- as ironic as that sounds.

I'm also a person that has suffered much in the hands or words of others when I was a child. Humanity as I knew it wasn't safe. Who could I trust in a world where people always hurt each other? Was I the only one that saw that the way things were, weren't the way things were supposed to be? The internet was my solace and my avatar my escape. I had been friends with other people (or rather, their own avatars) online, and they weren't just friends but I'd considered many family. It was my safe place to go when things simply didn't make sense. These people didn't want to hurt me -- for, as far as I know, they all suffered much in the hands of others as well. This digital world and their avatars were (and for some, still is) their safe place, where they can be who they think they are and escape the realities of a war-torn world. Hundreds of people find their solace in an avatar that is anything but human, prefering creatures that are otherwise much more in tune with nature -- dragons, foxes, wolves, rabbits, gryphons, hybrid creatures, felines, birds, predatory birds, and so on. Creatures seem to only kill out of necessity, so they appear to be our betters.

Things are not the way they were meant to be. I don't mean that as a religious platitude but as a truth. Do you not feel it in the marrow of your bones? Children are starving and dying, while others are living in luxurious mansions with lavish food every meal of the day. Corporate business people turn deaf ears to homeless and poor. Drugs and alcohol are used to dull pain and suffering, turning into addictions that one cannot live without. Some people can't see past the pigment of another person's skin, and calls them devils. War rages. If it all were some evolutionary process of a world gone to hell, why would anyone care? Things are not the way it was meant to be.

If God created the world according to Judeo-Christian belief, it was a world without death and sorrow. Humanity was to be harmonized. These terrible things didn't even get introduced into the picture until God's enemy - the devil - took the embodiment of a serpent and the humans listened to him rather than their Creator. It wasn't supposed to be this way - but, then free will got in the way and here we are today. We take advantage of each other and we take advantage of the creation. But one day, when God's son makes everything whole again, death will be no more and tears will not be shed. Till then, I'll do what I can to be thankful for everything around me... and pray others find their solace and safety in God.

Good morning

2009-10-26T08:26:00.000-04:00

It's been forever since I last wrote anything. I tend to think of several things to think about all at once and then they fizzle away out of laziness, which is part of the reason this little ol' blog hasn't been updated in months. Other reasons include busyness.

Let's see, let's see... Well the summer has of course come and gone; we've been married a year since May (HOORAY!); we've seen God provide 0in amazing and very unexpected ways; and now we live in a new apartment with two kitties. Yes, our family unit has gone from the two of us with two turtles, and two kitties in a two bedroom apartment. Pictures will follow at some point!

I just woke up about 40 minutes ago. As I was getting up to feed the kitties (Autumn and Tobias, by the way), there's a knock on the door. I hesitated to answer. Backing it up a bit, there's an older woman -- I don't know how old -- that lives on the third floor, who shortly after we moved in came by a few times asking for sugar and milk for her coffee. I didn't mind obliging, til she came early in the morning while we were still in bed a few times and we didn't answer the door. This morning she was asking for $5 for cigarettes. I don't normally carry cash, so I apologized and explained I didn't have cash (thinking about it now as I'm typing I might actually have a few bucks....). I find this to be a difficult situation, because we want to be loving and helpful, but there is a reservation we have going on with giving things out. I know, doesn't sound very Christ-like. The reservation part, that is; especially because Tanya is an old woman. I guess we're just not sure what to do, and maybe the point is to not to really think about it but to just be loving.

Making a difference

2009-06-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

So I realize that it's been quite a while since I posted anything in my blog. A lot has been happening, from our first year anniversary to thinking about buying a house (we still have tons of questions and haven't even started), to being very irritated by our mouse "friend" in our apartment. Those are all very recent. However, I think I'll start with something else.

Almost a year ago, my husband and I went to a small community festival that his band (he wasn’t a member yet at the time) was playing at. A gal named Kali made a presentation for a project she was getting started called Operation Net – a project design to raise money over the course of a year to purchase 1000 mosquito nets for men, women, and children in Uganda to prevent the spread of malaria.

Malaria is spread through mosquitoes, and affects about 500 million people a year – 1 million of which die. Mosquito nets only cost $9.50, but this is a near impossible thing for a Ugandan family to buy, since most live on less than $1.00 a day. I’ve been keeping track of Kali’s updates since I heard about it, and recently she completed her goal and God provided even more: Kali was able to collect $11,900 or enough for 1,260 nets. The most extraordinary thing that I think there is to her story is that she is 18 years old – highlighting the fact that people can make a difference at any age. I decided to ask her some questions about how Operation Net got started after she went on a trip to Uganda in May 2008.

Y: What did you do there, and how old were when you went to Uganda?

Kali: For one week we were in a smaller village called Luwero. Every morning we would have conferences for the people of the church and I gave lessons to the ladies. Then we would eat lunch (which we provided for everyone) and had an afternoon session, with lots of singing and dancing. We then would go hut to hut praying for the elderly, sick and orphans. We visited many people and heard about their situations. The second week we were in the capital, Kampala and did the same thing there but at a different church. We also spent a lot of time going hut to hut and meeting new people and helping them out. I was 17 when I went, and just turned 18.

Y: How did you first think of Operation Net? (I.e. was it a class or something else)

Kali: Upon returning home from Uganda I knew I had to do something to help the people suffering there. I felt God pulling at my heartstrings to do something. At first I wasn't sure what to do but I got the idea after talking to some of my new Ugandans friends about malaria..and how it was effecting their lives. My friend Ivan's mom was sick with malaria and because of it he couldn't afford to go to school. Little stories like that made me choose to focus on malaria in my project. I created Operation Net shortly after and created the details of it as I went.

Y: What happened to your friend's mom, who had malaria? How old was Ivan when you met him?

Kali: Ivan is my age. His mother is sick on and off (which is how malaria works) It just hits you and when it hits you are down for usually a couple of weeks. So it is when she is sick that he cannot go to school. They have received nets so they are doing better.

Y: What was your process and planning like a year ago when you first had the idea?

Kali: First off I had to educated myself more about malaria and what can be done to prevent it. I then researched the cost of nets. Eventaully worked it out with the Bob-Gad, who planned our trip, that he would buy the nets in Uganda (to help their economy) and distribute them. I also had to set up an account with the bank and get all of the legal stuff out of the way. I then began to set goals (always set them very high). Once I had the that figured out I made posters, a website, business cards, and started spreading the word. I then also began speaking at venues about it and started receiving donations. As Operation Net flourished I added on the letter to Congress, t-shirt fundraiser, smencil fundraiser, and began contacting newspapers about it.

Y: Were there people who were skeptical?

Kali: There were people skeptical of my trip to Uganda and as I expected Operation Net. I had some people tell me I was wasting my time, that I would never reach my goal of 1000 nets, and that I should help people here rather than in Africa. Some of them were very nasty about it..but the best way to handle it was to be polite, answer their questions, and try to get them to understand the need in Africa. At times I was discouraged by it..but at the end of the day I had way more people supporting me than not so it was okay.

Y: Who were the people that supported it from the beginning? How did they encourage you?

Kali: God was my main source of encouragement. He gave me the idea, made it happen, and changed lives. My parents and my family supported me right off the back. They kind of already knew that when I was passionate about something I did it..And did it for real. So they were there for me the whole time and were a huge help. I also had a group of close friends, called Team Net, who helped me out and were excited about it. My church also was very supportive, as well as a group of family friends.
They encouraged me by prayer, kind words, and getting involved. A lot of them donated money right away which told me they believed in the project and cared. Others spread the word about it and helped me reach more people with my message. Most of all they were simply there for me when others said I was wasting my time. They believed in me and took time to learn about it.

Y: What are your next steps from here?

Kali: From here I will still be involved with Operation Net..but more on the side line rather head. I have handed the leadership over to a friend in NC since I will be going to college in the fall. I will be attending Eastern University to major in economic development and minor in communications. I hope to study abroad in Uganda and eventually work for an organization that does development work there. I know I will return to Africa..and Uganda. I am going to work hard and learn more so I can better help those in need in the future.

Y: What sort of advice - as a young person - would you give to other young people who want to help with global issues but feel overwhelmed by how many issues face the world?

Kali: I myself often feel overwhelmed with the world and its problems. Coming home from Uganda..and still now I lay awake at night upset with the amount of people suffering. I break this feeling by telling myself I am one person with one life, and even though I am just one person I can make a difference. You have to tell yourself that even if you just help one person or save one life it is worth it. No contribution is too small. It only takes one person to make a difference. It doesn't matter how young you are...you can change a life. See the big picture but realize you cannot save everyone. You cannot change every issue. You are one person. But then focus on something you are passionate about and do something about it. Aim high and dream big. Take every high and every low and learn from it. Use your life to make a difference. Get others involved. Yes, you are only one person but you can make a big difference.

"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito." - African Proverb

Crocodiles | longing for spring

2009-03-07T17:02:00.001-05:00

Sitting and checking my usual TV stations (FoodNetwork, Animal Planet, and Discovery Channel), I parked myself on the Discovery Channel as I discovered a new series called, Tattoo Hunter. Being a fan of tattoos and wanting to learn more about their various histories, I was intrigued. The host, tattoo anthropologist (who knew there was such a thing??) Lars Krutak, was going to a people in Papua New Guinea called the Kaningara. He was intrigued by the Kaningara because of their very secretive and spiritual scarification ritual that was also a rite of passage for boys to become men. They believe in a crocodile spirit, called Nashut, and that if the men scar themselves in a way that is representative of a crocodile they will inherit some of his power. Over 1000 little cuts are put into the flesh of the men on their backs, chests, and bellies-- the chest being the head of the crocodile with the nipples as the eyes and the bellybutton being the nose.

Though the scarification was the only thing discussed in the episode, this article is Krutak's assessment of his visit and of the Kaningara and reveals more about their worship of the crocodile and their male-centered culture. Without retelling the entire article, it is very interesting the different ways that the men separate themselves from anything and everything feminine, even having the notion that it is the males who give life, and not the females. More than that, of course there is a spiritual side to the entire ritual of the crocodile scarification in which only males are to participate. Their "spirit house" is forbidden to women; if any should enter, they would be killed-- reserving spiritual practicies and spirituality for men and men only. It would be interesting to learn more about the social structure of the Kaningara, particularly of what part the women play besides birth (and even that is, in a way, stripped of them). Krutak is sure to note that modernity is changing much about the spiritual traditions -- or at the very least, the skin-cutting -- of the Kaningara, but I wonder how much of it still leaks into their social structure.

I can't help but think of Old Testament passages that forbid cutting of one's skin, or tattoos. While there are Christians who believe that tattoos are "of the devil," I would to a point disagree... being biased, having three tattoos myself and looking for more eventually. But there are also Christians such as myself who would agree that the forbidance was in the context of what pagan cultures were doing around them and why they were getting the tattoos. The Kaningara are a reminder of that: while also a rite of passage, the whole ordeal was/is also thought to cause the man to inherit some of Nashut's power. The underlying reason was basically in worship of something not God, like the pagans from Biblical middle-eastern times (and boy would I love to learn more about those practices to be more informed!).

I also can't help but think of other passages, like in Romans where Paul writes, "...they [humans] became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." The Kaningara are or were certainly spiritual and religious and have a profound connectedness to what they believe ... probably even more than some Christians I've known. They are certainly more connected to the spiritual world than any American would be, and it's that kind of depth that's respectable. I might not agree with it and it's contradictory to Christianity, but that doesn't mean I can't respect it. What's harder to respect is the spiritual ambivelance of "there may be a god of some kind out there but I don't think it matters" because there's no commitment to it; no passion, no solid stance besides "it doesn't matter to me or affect my life."

*

Winter makes me thoughtful, and while normally I'm able to vent those thoughts somewhere I've been so caught up in busy-ness that it's all been trapped in my head. Before you know it, the thought fizzles out like a smouldering matchstick and all that's left is the smokey haze. Winter makes me thoughtful because, in Philadelphia, it's miserable: seemingly constant gray overcast skies, gray sidewalks, gray buildings, brown-gray mockeries of trees, dead leaves, and cold air. The relief comes when there's not an overcast day and blue sky breaks up all the gray... which usually has it's bitter winds, but at least there's the hopeful blue sky that reminds me it'll pass. It's hard to be motivated when everything around you is gray, though, even when busy-ness prevades my life! Maybe I try to keep busy so that I don't notice the gray as much- which would explain so many things.

I just want spring to come. There's such a loud longing for it that anytime there's a hint of warm weather I get a little giddy on the inside. There have been a few on-and-off warm days (like today) that I've felt so much better about everything. They're little rays of relief that God gives me to let me know that there's something else around the bend in this season. Life overall has been good I'm just tired of contemplating and thinking and planning and pouring out. I think this coming week will give me many opportunities to recieve art (go to galleries) and put a little bit of rest and fun back into the bucket. Here's hoping for some actual Sabbath! Here's hoping for continued warmer weather-- green leaves and color couldn't come soon enough. There's something utterly refreshing about seeing a tree full of leaves and green grass and colorful flowers. I can't wait for it to get here.

2009-02-17T09:34:00.000-05:00

I stumbled upon a Japanese woodblock website and found these beautiful images and I wanted to share. I'd really like to look at these more!

There's so much to be said

2009-02-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

You know, there's a sense of futility in saying "One day I'll write all the things I want to say, one day I'll get you to speed with what's going on in life." There's simply just too much! Thoughts on Obama's policies so far, thoughts on finances, job skills, family, and so on. I'm looking forward to some time soon when I can just open up the vent a little.

One perk lately, though, is that I was published in PRISM again; I worked on some more illustrations for a few articles! The image here is on the cover, which was particularly exciting, though also a very frustrating layout. I'm more into verticals than I am horizontals, so it was a challenge. I still don't think it was completely successful, but the editor seemed to like it well enough.

There's also two images inside the article, but I only have a link for one of them: here (PDF)
The other articles are also fantastic, and you should give them a read if you can.

Also, messing around with a number of other things... Got into two galleries recently: one at White Stone Gallery in Manayunk, and the other is the Heitmann Atelier & Gallery in Lacnaster. These are the first shows I've really been in since college so I'm really excited! It's definitely but a fire in my gut about doing more art and being intentional about going after galleries. It's going to be tough because I'll need to get stuff framed, and I have to do my on-foot research for galleries but I really want to start working on this part of my life more than I have in the past few years. Here are some things I'm working on..

Unsure of where to go with this, and even more unsure about the red I added.

This spins off of another idea that I had and trying to figure out how to visually represent if Mary had told the angel no. Generally, I like this. I wonder if I should leave it as is, or work more at it.

There are also many other ideas that I have yet to put onto paper in some format or another. I'm hoping I can do that soon- if all goes well, and by the grace of God, that will happen tomorrow when I go to the studio! But, in the meantime I must also focus my attention on CCO's annual conference, Jubilee since I'll be taking a crew up there with me. That's this weekend. I'm excited about it, as well as stressed, but more anticipating what God will have to say to each of the students that will be coming with me.... and myself. The conference revolves around the idea that every square inch of what exists in the world can be claimed by Christ, whether it's in the "secular" world or the "sacred" world. It's a place where students can learn more about how Sunday connects to the rest of the week, and how their faith connects to the rest of their lives.

It's a pretty great time of learning, stretching, growing... and meeting new people too!

So after the busy-ness of this weekend, I'm hoping to be more productive creatively. We'll see what crops up.

Blip

2008-12-24T16:32:00.001-05:00

Please don't give up when it's easy
Don't you know that me and Jesus will cheer you on?
He's the only one that will be constantly everything you need

Will you come back?
It's all she wants to know
She knows she's part of the problem too
Could she let it go?
It'd take a miracle
So that's what I'm praying for
Yeah

-- Mae, Tisbury Lane

I don't know what the song is about, but it's a fun song and these lyrics in particular made me think of a friend. It made me think of me too.

It's Christmas Eve, I got to see two best friends last night that I haven't seen since I got married, and one of them lives in a completely different state. It was really nice and I wish I could see them more often. They were both commenting about how weird it is that I have a husband and I'm married, and it is kind of funny to think about. I've been married for just about 7 months. Awesome. Coming with being married for 7 months is probably that the last 3 months have been one of the hardest I've had in a long time, and all of it has nothing to do with being married. News from a friend broke my heart, yet through it God managed to dig stuff out of me that I didn't even know was there. He used one issue to point at a deeper issue. And now it's been a process of working through it, and I am so grateful for Scott's presence because I think a lot of this would be more difficult without him.

It's appropriate that I think about all of this during Christmas and the Advent season. Advent is all about celebrating the anticipation of Christ's birth. God coming to Earth, Immanuel, is all wrapped up into Jesus... and with that comes healing, restoration, redemption, humility, beauty, freedom. And right now I'm working on looking it all right in the face. This is why Jesus came, this is why He died.

It's a beautiful thing.

And now I get to spend my first Christmas apart from family. Yikes. I'm excited though since I will be spending it with my new part of the family, my in-laws. A lot of people complain about in-laws, and I can see why, but I've had so many second and third sets of parents through friends that it doesn't feel that much different. It'll be good. Here goes!

Thanksgiving has come and gone

2008-12-13T00:32:00.000-05:00

So it's almost Christmas.
I'm still alive and God's doing a lot of work in me -- but it's about 12:30AM so I probably shouldn't write up a long blog entry.

Two of my very good friends are getting married tomorrow and I'm very excited about it. WOOHOO!

News Article: Kin outraged, distraught over teen's cyber suicide

2008-11-22T09:47:00.000-05:00

http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24684860-5014239,00.html

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gtO167ywBhMURgOmp4ScpR7rBdvgD94JV9P80

... there are several other articles about the sad news, if you follow links provided on the websites.

To summarize, a college student in Miami, FL, took it upon himself to overdose on bi-polar drugs over live web-feed on a bodybuilder's website a few days ago. There's no telling how many watched -- the website it was aired on hasn't said the number -- but it's pretty evident from the article that not only people watched, some encouraged and others thought it was fake.

Through my teen years of internet socialization (and probably internet addiction), there were a number of times in which online friends had mentioned that they were thinking of suicide and I would do what I could to talk them through it or out of it. What I don't understand is how so many teens are jaded enough to not take it seriously and regard another person's life as not worth their time -- through webspace or in real life. While there are those who threaten suicide to get the attention they feel so deprived of, I don't believe it is worth the risk to think they're faking it. Even if an individually is just looking for attention, there is still the issue that that person does not already feel loved enough that they don't have to look for attention. What else is going on psychologically and emotionally? Don't we all want to feel and know the comfort of being loved? Don't we all act out -- in large or very small, internal and external ways -- when we do NOT feel loved?

The message that comes across when we write it off as just an act is, "I do not care about you. Your life is worthless to me."

A college student, probably a freshman or maybe sophomore, killed himself "publicly" and people watched. Granted I think that if he took a gun to his head like the fellow in another Florida location, someone may have acted sooner. Really though, why would that change anything - as if gun suicide is more serious than pill suicide?

Or for those who thought he was joking and it was done to get some laughs... Why would anyone joke about overdosing on a pill?

Why is death funny?

Also, I wanted to highlight a quote from the Associated Press article:

Montana Miller, an assistant professor of popular culture at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, said Biggs' very public suicide was not shocking, given the way teenagers chronicle every facet of their lives on sites like Facebook and MySpace.

"If it's not recorded or documented then it doesn't even seem worthwhile," she said. "For today's generation it might seem, "What's the point of doing it if everyone isn't going to see it?"

Ms. Miller brings out a good point that teenagers publicize every facet of their lives via the internet. Having more or less one of those teenagers, only using the 'archaic' LiveJournal, I totally relate to her statement. But I'd like to push it further than simply saying that if something isn't documented it doesn't matter. There is a ring of truth in that... I'd dare say that every detail is given also because it creates this sense of intimacy with other people. Especially with journaling and blogging. "This is my journal, and you are reading it. This is the kind of stuff I share with my friends... sometimes my closest friends. Because you know this about me, you must be one of my friends and care deeply about me. If I know you in real life and you read this, then I don't have to talk about it with you because you know it already." At the very least this is how I reflect on my journaling habits during my teen years. I would write about guys I liked, thoughts on sexuality, thoughts on religion (why I hated it and later on my process of becoming Christian) when I felt very sad or hurt or pissed off, and so on. In many ways my teen angst is spelled out loud and clear for the world to see for however long LiveJournal exists. These are the kinds of things that used to be recorded in private journals that any teenager back in the hayday would be agast if anyone actually read it.

But I didn't actually know most of the people who would read that journal. I never met them face to face, although few I did talk with on the phone and others I wanted to actually meet. But it created a world of comfort and secruity for me, that there were people knew me and understood me. Some of them I believe did care for me but it created a sense of longing that would likely never be fulfilled -- which easily lead to hours upon hours of late night online sessions, and becoming angry/depressed when the internet was taken away (in place of getting grounded as a penalty).

Not that the internet is bad or having friends who live in Indonesia or Australia, or just on the other side of the U.S., is bad. That isn't what I'm getting at and to think so is to seriously miss the point. The point is that it calls to question our own securities, I think... and calls out that we are afraid to know people and look them in the face, knowing they know us too. Why can't we just talk to the person next to us, get together with the friend who -- if you're in college -- lives right down the hall?

Why are we so afraid of what we crave the most?

I think it's worth discussing, that's for sure.

In the meantime...

2008-11-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to put art-books on my wish-list and getting that fire in my gut for making art.

Especially after finding (thanks Barbara!) this little jewel of a blog:
http://mariehelenesirois.blogspot.com/

All of my little artsy cells want to devour all the recent and past posts up. Drool juxtaposed with jealous admiration. Yum.

We all want something beautiful..

2008-11-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

That song by the Counting Crows, Mr. Jones, has a lyric that goes "We all want something beautiful / I wish I was beautiful..." Ever since I heard that song for the first time, I've carried that line with me. In its simplicity, it's a line that I find profoundly true of me and I would think it'd be true of most people. We want something beautiful, we want to be beautiful. I know I want to keep focused on the things that are beautiful, as in the good and true and lovely.

What's with all the drama in my blog, then? Doom and gloom and tough roads ahead... For someone who is supposed to appreciate beauty I probably sound like a brooding miss who is trying to figure out up from down. To some degree, that's true... encountering sin in all it's ugliness has knocked me to the ground. Not only has the rebellion in a friend's life been a painful experience, it's also brought out something unexpected: I've been challanged in my own faith quite a bit and I've had old wounds opened that I never fully dealt with, acting like it didn't bother me over the years. But these things are good despite how painful it is and will be until it's resolved. I won't wax on about specifics because it hasn't been dealt with yet -- I'm not ready for that kind of public exposure until God repairs some deep seated brokenness in my life. I will say, however, that I'm broken and the whole process has been a humbling revelation that I don't have it all together as much as I'd like to believe. It's pretty easy to put on a tough exterior, to a certain point... these recent events that have been bothering me finally broke the surface.

Thankfully, I have a supportive husband who I can collapse into... and a community that is loving too. I think without these people the road to healing would probably be all the more difficult. The road ahead is going to get bumpy and I'm nervous, but as another band I favor would say, "there is beauty in the breakdown." I want the beauty found in major healing and forgiveness and freedom.

What's the beauty you want to see in your life?

"the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose, and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything." - Mae

(man, three song references in one post?! I'm usually not this referential...)

Surely We Can Change

2008-11-10T18:16:00.000-05:00

And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit

And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change

-- David Crowder

Breathe... 1, 2, 3. The road towards healing is about to get very bumpy. It's like that horrible hesitation feeling you get when you're about to jump from a very high place, except combine that with being punched in the stomach first.

History in the making

2008-11-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

Here it is, November 5th (V for Vendetta, anyone?), 2008. Last night history was made as it was revealed that Barak Obama has been elected to be the next president -- our first black president. Someone I know made a point in saying that Obama, because of his interracial parents, represents American better than any other president has before in the sense of America being such a mixing pot of peoples.

While I didn't vote for Obama because there are policies he holds that I disagree with, I am not particularly bummed either. What is exciting about this is that I'm living in the middle of a history-making-moment; although some of those policies he has I think will make history in a more negative way than a positive way. Time can only tell what will happen, some good and some bad as it is with all presidents. My prayer for the new president, though, is that God will protect him. As much as I don't want to admit it, there is a great danger for Obama in this position -- a lot of racism still runs deep in pocket-areas of America and threats have already been made. It's sad and I think if anything were to happen, it would literally tear the country apart. But if all goes well, maybe some healing on both sides can be encouraged. His speech last night was particularly good but he better stick to his word in wanting to work together and listen to those who disagree with him.

On the flip side of things, though, if McCain became president history still would have been made with Palin as the first woman VP. While Palin pisses off a lot of women in America, a big reason I would be concerned is mainly her lack of experience: I don't think she would have been ready if McCain had died (because let's face it, the man is old).

Obama is all about change and change will come. It will take time, just as he said. Some of that change I like, a lot of it I'm not so sure about, some I don't like. I will say that this election has made me more interested in following what's going on in Washington more than anything else so this will probably help me keep an eye out when things go bogus and when they go well.

(one thing I do wish people would stop doing is giving Obama a messianic label)
(what was up with Michelle Obama's dress last night?)
(also, watching CNN and I'm fascinated by their giant touch screen tech... and what was that whole hologram thing about?)

Vent

2008-11-03T11:29:00.000-05:00

Here are some things I've been experiencing as of late, along with tidbits here and there. The upside is that it's put a lot of fuel for some art. Hopefully I can get into the studio and pour out all these thoughts in drawings...

grief, sadness, anger and guilt
the joy of redemption, mercy, grace

"We all want something beautiful."

"How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people."

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything."

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

"Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"

The downside is that I'm still wrestling, and trying to figure out how to be happy for someone else's happiness, when their happiness means spitting in the face of the One they used to live for.

"Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Nebuchadnezzar brought to being less than human by his pride, Daniel 4:28 to the end.

"...how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!"

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

"But even such nearly instantaneous events are not as instantaneous as they seem. The are like earthquakes, which seem to happen suddenly, without warning. But we know that earthquakes are only the climatic events of process that has taken years, sometimes decades, centuries or millennia, of accumulated stresses deep under the earth."

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."

"Cause everything inside me looks like everything I hate; You are the hope I have for change; You are the only chance I'll take."

There is much to say, much to vent, much to pour out with tears and frustration. But I fear those words will hurt you.

Sigh.

God give me the grace to handle the things I don't understand.

I realize I keep saying this...

2008-10-31T16:35:00.000-04:00

But there is much to say, much that has been exhausting my energies in all kinds of ways. In the meantime, snapshots of recent artings. Pardon the crummy editing work, I used my cell phone. I need to find someone who can take more professional photos for me.. Hmmm..

The first is completed, the second is just in the very beginning stages. A nod to Rubens for some of the visual inspiration.

Chasing Cars

2008-10-21T15:46:00.000-04:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-- Snow Patrol

There's a lot that I can say right now, about life and observations and self-reflections, but now is not the time. I have to brave the brisk chilly air and take care of business (and pray it doesn't encourage a cold!).

Same-sex weddings and first graders

2008-10-12T22:32:00.000-04:00

First Graders Taken to San Francisco City Hall For Gay Wedding

Contact: Chip White, 916-215-4392, 916-446-2587; Sonja Eddings Brown, 818-993-4508; both with Protect Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, October 11 /Christian Newswire/ -- In the same week that the No on 8 campaign launched an ad that labeled as "lies" claims that same-sex marriage would be taught in schools to young children, a first grade class took a school-sponsored trip to a gay wedding. Eighteen first graders traveled to San Francisco City Hall Friday for the wedding of their teacher and her lesbian partner, The San Francisco Chronicle reported. The school sponsored the trip for the students, ages 5 and 6, taking them away from their studies for the same-sex wedding. According to the Yes on 8 campaign, the public school field trip demonstrates that the California Supreme Court's decision to legal same-sex marriage has real consequences.

"Taking children out of school for a same-sex wedding is not customary education. This is promoting same-sex marriage and indoctrinating young kids," said Yes on 8—ProtectMarriage.com Campaign Co-Manager Frank Schubert. "I doubt the school has ever taken kids on a field trip to a traditional wedding," Schubert said.

When asked by the Yes on 8 campaign, The San Francisco Chronicle reporter said she did not know if the school had ever sponsored a field trip for students to a traditional wedding. Telling the Chronicle that the field trip was "a teachable moment," the school's principal believes it is perfectly appropriate for first graders to attend a same-sex wedding. Officials in other school districts disagree.

"Prop. 8 protects our children from being taught in public schools that 'same-sex marriage' is the same as traditional marriage," said Santa Ana Unified School District board member Rosemarie "Rosie" Avila. "We should not accept a court decision that results in public schools teaching our kids that gay marriage is okay. That is an issue for parents to discuss with their children according to their own values and beliefs. It shouldn't be forced on us against our will," Avila added.

-- What's ironic about this statement is that it exposes a duplicity in our society. We leave lifestyle choices of religion left to be discussed at home according to our own values and beliefs, but some schools are choosing to teach this lifestyle choice that otherwise should be discussed at home? Whether you're for or against it doesn't matter. Why are first graders being taught about marriage (same-sex or not) in school in the first place? I don't recall ever learning anything about marriage in school at all. -- Yvonne

The lesbian teacher's wedding was officiated by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. Newsom is featured in a Yes on 8 television ad, released last week, in which he arrogantly declares of same-sex marriage: "The door's wide open now. It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not."

The Yes on 8 campaign's ads explain that if the voters do not overturn the California Supreme Court's same-sex marriage ruling, teachers will be required to teach young children that there is no difference between gay marriage and traditional marriage.

"It's totally unreasonable that a first grade field trip would be to a same-sex wedding," said Chip White, Press Secretary for Yes on 8. "This is overt indoctrination of children who are too young to understand it."

The trip underscores the Yes on 8 campaign's message that unless Prop. 8 passes, children will be taught about same-sex marriage in public schools. "Not only can it happen, it has already happened," White said.

One more thing, unrelated

2008-10-11T00:16:00.001-04:00

So the election is coming up and as a undecided/non-aligned voter, it's a tough call for me. There are things I like about both candidates and there are things I don't like about both candidates. As I was discussing with a friend the other day, it's like picking the lesser of the two evils (which is not to say that there is evil involved on either side, but you know what I mean).

What really turns me off is when my fellow yet D or R aligned voters get hostile about their candidates. It's one thing to be passionate about supporting your side, it's an entirely other thing to mudsling and verbally abuse. This is what I hate about governmental politics and up to this point has turned me off to being interested at all. This is also one reason why I choose to register under neither side. Whoever would be president, God only knows -- but somebody is always going to be unhappy about the final outcome. But this election is the first time I've bothered to watch the debates and try to follow the election, since I'm tired of the vomit that comes out of people about McCain or Obama... and with the potential of maybe having a kid towards the end of the next president's term I'd like to have a little insight and more informed choice about what we'd have to face.

But anyway. I'm done and still trying to figure it out.

To the Weary, From the Wearied

2008-10-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been tired.

The tiredness is not just in the sleeping sense, although I have noticed my sleep hasn't been as restful as it could be because I've had some pretty bizarre dreams. Such as: a middle aged man trying to kill me; a plot in which my best-friend and I and others would be kidnapped and used as guinea pigs (although we were saved by my hubby); aliens that hunt women; and others. Aside from those dreams I've slept OK, just not enough.

I'm tired mentally since I've probably been a lot more stressed than I really even realize. Actually, it's only been since the other day that I was at all willing to admit that I'm stressed out at all. But when I started getting morose in my times alone I realized, "Hey, wait a second. This isn't normal." My legs hurt, my eyes and throat hurts, my whole body sometimes feels like it's stretched out like a piece of bubble-gum. Yet for everything that is stressing me out, I know in my head that God has a counter balance to it.

Finances are tight. God is providing for us every day.
I just started a part-time job in addition to my current job. This can connect me to my community and neighborhood.
Scott and my schedules are out of whack. It'll be okay and it can get worked out.
I miss my friends from 'back home.' God has provided new, wonderful people in my life to connect with.
I feel like I'm pouring out my energy and not being poured into. God can restore me regardless.

I guess you could say that all these things require patience and trust. It just feels like a lot of things in my life are in upheaval right now and any time that happens I'm just never really sure what to do. I know what I ought to do: seek peace and joy in the Lord. But I've noticed that this is horribly difficult for me to put into practice. I can read all I want about Sabbath, and know as much as I can about Sabbath, but does any of it mean anything at all if I don't actually DO it...?

One thing I can trust, though, is that I know instinctively that everything is going to be alright. I continually remind myself of this, even when it's painful to do so and I feel like throwing my hands up and defiantly say, "I QUIT." And it's never about anything specific.

The other day Scott was praying for us and said something about asking God for strength. As if a light bulb went on when he prayed that, I realized that I needed to be asking for strength every day - how simple! When Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest," I could imagine that would also mean stop using all my own energies to do things and accept His energy and strength to do things. If I really sit and think about it, though, a lot of my energy is used up in worrying. No wonder I'm so exhausted; worry is a beast that is never satiated. It's more like an animal with a black hole for a mouth, sucking in every life circumstance it can. To combat that I need the kind of strength that is beyond any human comprehension. I'm not Xena Warrior Princess (although that would be pretty sweet).

I've lost my train of thought... but what I suppose my point is, is that I need some time to just sit and breathe and not worry. I hope I can take a trip out of the city for at least a few hours and take a time-out in nature.

Matthew 11:28,29

2008-10-04T17:35:00.000-04:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Jesus

Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I’ll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary, move through the earth,
You've been spurned at fine restaurants and kicked out of church;
I’ve got a couple of loaves, so sit down at my feet,
lend me your ears and we'll break bread and eat

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Come all you weary, crippled you lay
I’ll help you along you can lay down your canes
We’ve got a long way to go but we’ll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further up, further in

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls
Rest for your souls
Rest for your souls

- Thrice - Come all you weary

... More to come later.

Trends

2008-09-26T18:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Ivy Jungle:

Facebook Admissions: 10% of admissions counselors at competitive colleges say they have looked at Facebook and other social networking sites to evaluate applicants. The survey, reported in the Wall Street Journal, indicated that most of the time reviews of student profiles "negatively affected" their application. (Inside Higher Ed September 18, 2008)

Didn't We Meet on Facebook: These days, two freshmen roommates shaking hands and introducing themselves for the first time has become a very strange site. Virtually all students arrive on campus not only having met their roommates, but perhaps dozens of other new friends thanks to Facebook. Students quickly join their "class group" and find other affinity groups from their campus. Many say it has created a different kind of awkward meeting when many have begun friendships online and meet for the first time saying, "Hi, we met on Facebook . . .". While some students have become concerned about roommates based on their profiles, even more alarming these days would be a potential roommate not on Facebook. (St. Louis Post Dispatch Online August 28, 2008)

The Facebook Effect: Researchers believe that today's teens are becoming sexually bolder because of social networking sites like Facebook, Myspace and Bebo. Information about sex and discussions about sex are much more prevalent in their virtual worlds. Many teens say that they believe the sexually active characters they see on TV accurately reflect teens today. However, they also they resent that older generations view them as promiscuous and obsessed with sex. Some experts say that the good thing is more teens are learning and asking questions about sex. However, they do fear that many lack the maturity to weigh the sources and discern what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior and levels of intimacy, especially in the semi-public environment of social networking sites. (Telegraph.co.uk August 27, 2008)

21^st Birthday Drinking: It is no surprise the many college students consume a drink or two on their 21^st birthdays. However, a recent study by the University of Texas-Austin indicates that most students drink quite heavily on that day, with men consuming an average of 12 drinks and women an average of 9. More than of students say they experienced ill effects the next day including hangovers (54%); blackouts (44%) and sex they did not remember (22%). Nearly 40% say they were unsure how they got home that night. A similar study by the University of Missouri found that just over 1/3 of men and almost of women reported consuming 21 drinks on their 21^st birthday. The UT study examined behaviors in the 2 weeks before and after the 21^st birthday, finding that quantity of drinking decreases after turning 21, but frequency increases. (USA Today August 27, 2008)

Giving in the US: According to Barna, the percentage of income Christians give to ministry work has declined for the last 35 years. Across the US, people currently give less than 3% of their income to charitable causes, a rate below that of charitable gifts during the Depression. Only 5% of Christians tithe. (Mission America Coalition Update September 2008)

Guys Trying to Figure Out How to Act: Behavioral researchers have said that many young men seem confused on what it means to become a man. A generation ago, masculinity had clearer parameters and men and women had clearer roles. However, today, many young men are unsure how to act. Labels like "mook" and "slacker" are often used to describe a generation that spends much of their time with video games and has little motivation. They seem to have a difficult time navigating adulthood and issues of sex, drinking, friendships, and the future. A number of books including Boys Adrift (Sax); Guyland (Kimmel); and Buddy System (Greif) all point to the importance of relationships with parents and male friends for guys as they move into adulthood. (USA Today August 25, 2008)

Struggling with Morality: A Barna research study shows that adults under the age of 25 struggle with morality much more than their older counterparts. The poll looked at eight behaviors including the use of profanity in public, gambling, gossiping, sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse, viewing pornography, acts of retaliation, getting drunk and lying. In each category, younger adults were more than twice as likely to have engaged in these behaviors. The most common behavior for both groups was profanity, followed by sex, lying, and pornography (not in that order for older adults). Politically liberal people were also more likely to have engaged in these immoral behaviors than their conservative peers. Among evangelicals, profanity and pornography were the most common transgressions. Agnostics and skeptics were five times as likely to have engaged in any of the behaviors as evangelicals. Researchers believe the results show that the moral code has begun to shift considerably in areas of honesty, language and sex. (Barna Update August 25, 2008)

Graduate Student Auctions Off Virginity: In a new low for morals and capitalism, a 22 year old graduate student at Sacramento State has joined with a legal Nevada brothel to auction off her virginity. The young woman says she can verify her purity and is selling her first experience to finance her graduate education in marriage and family therapy. Holding an undergraduate degree in women's studies she believes her actions are empowering to her as a woman and that her virginity is marketable because it is a rare commodity. Several students have expressed support, especially for a cause as noble as paying for school. (CBS13.com September 11, 2008)

Sex & Social Injustice

2008-09-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

I've had written work published before, but never anything visual. Usually, I think visual artists are uncomfortable having their work published for magazines... at least, that's what I always heard from my professors when I was in college. I've heard woes of black and white photos doing color art injustice, text littering the image, inappropriate cropping, and more. But the opportunity arose and I thought it fitting to accept the offer- not as a sell out moment, but because I thought it was worth supporting. All in all I don't think that the publishers did my drawing injustice because the colors are rich, it isn't chopped up, and the text really isn't that distracting. Smart of them to work with and around the composition of the figures.

The publication is PRISM, put out by the Evangelicals for Social Action. The full article can be found here (PDF), written by Bruce Wydick.

Also worth reading from this month's issue is the cover story, Toxic Culture (link is a PDF, peppered with additional articles so please read it!). Discretion is advised: PRISM takes no shortcuts in this article as it examines pornification of our culture. It is a bit explicit; be aware of photo examples of mainstream advertisements (like CK and fragrances). "Now a multibillion-dollar business, pornography plays a pervasive role in contemporary society. For the sake of our families and future generations, it's time to face the industry head on and take back our God-given sexuality." The pinnacle of the article points out the sexualization of today's children -- 'Girls as Consumables' and 'Boys as Predators' -- and offers insight to approach the issue with a Christ-like attitude, rather than being naiive. Admittedly, a quote from a 14 year old boy was shocking enough to make me realize that things are not the same way they were when I was growing up -- and that was only 10 to 12 years ago. Sexuality is much more prevalent in pre-teens (7 to12) and adolescents (13 to 19) than I realized.

It makes one wonder how things have gotten so permissive in our American, mainstream culture today. I've noticed this in watching television over the past few years, and moreso lately in seeing ads for shows like Swingtown that appears to glorify adultery and promiscuity in our history. True, I haven't seen the show, so I honestly cannot say much about it. But beyond that, even commercials and advertisements are racier than I remember and extremely suggestive, laden heavy with sexual connotations. I mean, really; Why must you sell sex when you're trying to sell deoderant? or jeans? or cars? or yogurt?! Prime example is Abercrombie & Fitch's explicit 2003 Christmas catalog: you really aren't selling clothing when you're really selling group sex. Even their webpage features a sculpted half-naked man in which you can barely even see the top of his jeans. All the more, abercrombiekids.com has a shirtless teen on it.
I'm sorry, what does the lack of clothes have to do with buying clothes? It really makes me queasy thinking about the potential of raising a child - son or daughter - in an environment such as this because exposure is pretty much unavoidable. It makes me queasy just knowing that sexuality is even pitched to children and young-teens, and that parents and manufacturers find the "prosti-tot" look acceptable.

Not just that, but generally speaking women are the targets of the sexualization... rather, girls. While the Dove Self-Esteem program is another topic of discussion, as are Dove products overall, but check out this video about the pervasiveness of body, image, etc completely surrounding a girl's world:

Dove Film: Onslaught

For the most part I try to avoid the things I don't like about media, like these and try not to purchase from stores that promote sex over their product. But as you may be able to tell, it's hard to do and to do so can be a double-edged sword; on the one hand I keep myself safe and protected but on the other hand I think I've lost touch with what's going on outside of my bubble. Where is the balance? How do you approach the issue of over-sexualization without being disregarded as a mere prude? Like the nature of Fair Trade, this is a difficult path to navigate but it's the small steps of choice, voice, and action that can even give us hope of things changing. It also takes a great deal of being informed and carrying that information with compassion. Here are some questions to think about:

What can you do in your purchases and in your sphere of influence to make a positive impact on our sexually charged culture?
How will you talk about this subject with your peers, co-workers, or family?
What small steps can you take to not promote the sexualization of children?
How can you be better informed? Do you need to examine your influences more closely?
How might this issue affect your own life?
Does your attitude need to change? (are you ambivelent? angry? immobilized?)
If a follower of Christ, how does your faith and worldview need to impact this area of life more?

A first for everything

2008-09-17T22:20:00.001-04:00

It was a beautiful day as I stood next to my husband, holding tightly onto his hand as I looked past unfamiliar faces to find someone I knew. On the hour-long car ride we were joking with one another but now my voice couldn't find words besides a quiet, "This is too weird," and the occasional comment about wanting to find a friend. We stood on the grassy-edged sidewalk leading up to the funeral home dressed in gray, black, and dark blue; I didn't want to go inside yet.

I've only been to a funeral for a friend once before in my life, when I was 13 and hardly had any idea how to emotionally handle a 19-year old's suicide. The few others I'd been to were family members that I had a distant relationship with. This was different, a lot different. I heard the news two days after the accident happened and I wasn't really sure what to think. I'd been out of college for two and a half years and moved to Philadelphia -- far flung from my stomping grounds and closer friends in good old Kutztown PA. The news wasn't surreal so much as it was 'just weird' to me, and life over the weekend carried on as usual. My Kutztown life had been distant and disconnected that I could half expect everything to be the same if I went back to it. However, the reality and tangibility of it began to sink it's way beneath the surface when we decided to go into the funeral home and I saw Matt's face in the back of the foyer.
Then Josh, Trevor, Timmy, Grace. Black, gray, olive, blue, purple. Quiet and sullen.
Deep breath and trying to ignore the tightening in my chest.

We talked quietly as people continued to file in, going past the foyer and into the other room. We were called to come in because everything was ready. I wasn't ready yet. I don't think any of us were.

As we went inside and stayed close to the nearest wall we passed other friends. Bridget and Tara, Jodi and Kayla.. we stayed in a nook across from them. The service was nice. There were so many people. I needed a tissue as I hid half of my face in Scott's shoulder. He didn't get a chance to meet Chris or enjoy his goofy grin and Strongbad impressions; I think they would have been friends. I tried not to stain his gray shirt with salty tears or snot too badly as I thought about this, and praised the Lord that Scott would get a chance to meet Chris one day in the presence of God. Eventually, Bridget noticed I needed a tissue and gave me one. The service ended, we waited until we could go in line. Then we waited in line. I couldn't see anything at first because we were so far back and there were so many people. And then I noticed the open casket and my heart plummeted to my stomach.

I'm reminded of different thigns David Crowder and Mike Hogan talked about in Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die. Good book and there's a bit of truth in what they discuss later in the book: "What you are looking at is familiar, but it's bot the person you knew. What you are looking at is only like the person you knew."
That was not what I was thinking at the time, though. I glanced over my shoulder to Scott and tightened my grip on his hand. I wanted to run. I wasn't expecting the open casket viewing because of the nature of the accident. I can't really handle open caskets to begin with so to see one unexpectedly was even worse. The first time I saw one was when I went to the funeral of a friend's father, and the second time was my step-grandfather. There's something about it that seizes me in my gut and my throat all at the same time. I know the casket was black with white material inside, but I couldn't tell you what Chris looked like; I couldn't look. When we passed I practically darted with blurried vision and clenched teeth.

I don't want to remember my friend that way.

We stepped outside into a sea of black and gray and the colors of mourning. I clung to my husband's side, occassionally letting go to embrace friends as they passed. Most of them I hadn't seen in a while... not exactly the most favorable of circumstances to play catch-up. We then moved on to the truck to join the 50-car plus caravan to the cemetary. I was mostly quiet. We walked through the grassy grave-stone studded cemetary to the tent where Chris was to be buried. The sky couldn't have been more clear a blue than it was Tuesday. In my head I said goodbye, prayed for his family, and wished I called over the summer. He was involved with the National Guard; as they played taps and as the shots split the air, I heard many of us crying just a little bit more than we were before. His mother's sobs were the last thing I heard as most of us stood there in silence for what seemed like a long time. It broke my heart for her. Slowly we walked away and talked solemnly with friends. Deep breath.

Today, back in Philadelphia, the funeral already seems distant. Life continues to move forward -- though I do wish I could find a particular photo of Chris and I our Sophomore year at Kutztown, sitting in the hallway outside of Jodi's old dorm room.

RIP Chris Cole, September 10, 2008
I'll see you in glory, buddy.

When the going gets rough... the customer gets vicious?

2008-08-29T23:38:00.001-04:00

As a discretion, this article has quite a bit of colorful language, and I don't mean the kind that's waxed poetic. But despite this, the author kind of has a point. Since when did it become our "right" to get what we want and by doing that we (generic: consumers) have to treat others like garbage when we are inconvenienced or have to go out of our way?

http://www.violentacres.com/archives/59/two-phrases-that-destroyed-american-culture

A prime example I have from this is not necessarily the horror story of witnessing someone being treated horribly, but still related. I was on an airplane just the other weekend, and as we were boarding a woman was having difficulty finding space for her luggage and was concerned about it getting checked. I helped her a little and in the end I offered her my space while I shoved my bag of unbreakables (see: one day's change of clothes and a hairdryer) underneath the seat in front of me -- which I didn't even know was an option. When the flight was over I grabbed her bag for her since it was a seat behind her's, and she said that I was the nicest person she's ever traveled with.

I was surprised, and I managed to say that I wanted to help and it was the right thing to do- adding that I didn't see a point in being a grumpy traveler, since it never solves anything.
I mean really, there's no need to be a grump to the people around you if you see someone who is in a tough spot and might need some help... and even though they might be delaying the overall movement of your plans it's not a big deal to lend a helping hand. Maybe we all need to go over the Golden Rule from time to time: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

When it comes down to it none of us really deserve the things we think we deserve... But it's probably the Christian -- the one who is really following Jesus and not acting high and mighty -- who recognizes this the most. At least, that's what I can only speculate. From my understanding of Scripture and the teachings of Jesus is that we are to be humble in all circumstances. Paul says it as well in Philippians 2:3,4 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." There's something about barking over a plate of differently cut potatoes that just doesn't settle with considering others better than myself. Maybe that's just me. I'd still eat 'em.

Patron of the Arts

2008-08-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

I was browsing through various blogs and stumbled upon this interview with a screenwriter/author/professor, Barbara Nicolosi. The interview is quite insightful, and actually comes from a Catholic point of view of the arts -- particularly that of media, Hollywood, and the like. I typically will find stuff like this from the Protestant point of view - which I also come from - and actually a lot of her opinions about the topic resonate with my own. Check it out:

http://www.cuf.org/laywitness/LWonline/mj08nicolosi.asp

Yes, it's long, but absolutely worth the read!

"Pope John Paul II says in his “Letter to Artists” that the way to save the soul of an artist is that they really commit themselves to beauty. Because if you find beauty you will find God. Real beauty."

Arts - hooray!

2008-08-20T19:06:00.000-04:00

"Christian art is by no means always religious art..."

2008-08-13T15:09:00.000-04:00

Here is an excerpt from Francis Schaeffer's essay, "Some Perspectives on Art:"

Christian art is by no means always religious art, that is, art which deals with religious themes. Consider God the Creator. Is God's creation totally involved with religious subjects? What about the universe? the birds? the trees? the mountains? What about the bird's song? and the sound of the wind in the tree? When God created out of nothing by his spoken word, he did not just create "religious" objects. And in the Bible, as we have seen, God commanded the artist, working within God's creation, to fashion statues of oxen and lions and carvings of almond blossings for the tabernacle and the temple.
We should remember that the Bible contains the Song of Solomon, the love song between a man and a woman, and it contains David's song to Israel's national heroes. Neither subject is religious. But God's creation -- the mountains, the trees, the birds and the bird's songs -- are also non-religious art. Think about that. If God made the flowers, the are worth painting. If God made the sky, the sky is worth painting. If God made the ocean, indeed it's worth writing poetry about. It is worth man's while to create works upon the basis of the great works God has already made.
This whole notion is rooted in the realization that Christianity is not just involved with "salvation" but with the total man in the total world. The Christian message begins with the existence of God forever and then with creation. It does not begin with salvation. We must be thankful for salvation, but the Christian message is more than that. Man has a value because he is made in the image of God and thus man as man is an important subject for Christian art. Man as man -- with his emotions, his feelings, his body, his life -- this is an important subject matter for poetry and novels. I'm not talking about man's lostness, but about his mannishness. In God's world the individual counts. Therefore, Christian art should deal with the individual.
...
Christian art is the expression of the whole life of the whole person who is in Christ. What a Christian portrays in his art is the totality of life. Art is not to be solely a vehicle for some sort of self-conscious evangelism.

There is much in this essay (or pamphlet, rather: Art & the Bible) that I would love to write down and share with the masses, but that would probably infringe upon some copyright law or another. If you're interested in what else he has to say, I recommend getting a copy of it because so far as I can tell it's Scripturally accurate rather than depending on Christian-culture-trends. It also sheds some light about where art is actually brought up in the Bible, in all of art's varying forms. It's worth a read.

On an unrelated note, there are many things that could be said about life and art right now and once again I'm in a place where I have to take a deep breath. School is starting again soon which means my lull of a summer ought to be amped up with meeting new people, mentoring students, and preparing discussion group material. Because of certain circumstances it also means that I've been tense lately about how everything is going to pan out financially for my husband and I. However, God provided a beautiful picture for me the other day as I went outside to read the essay mentioned above. Next to the bench I decided to claim there were these short plants with little purple flowers with sparrows hopping around them. As I watched, the sparrows would check out the purple blossoms, hop up, and pluck the petals right off if not the whole flower. I couldn't figure out what they were doing for a few seconds but realized they were eating the flowers. Now, I don't actually know a lot about birds so I didn't know that they even ate flower blossoms. The whole scene playing out before me was encouraging because it was a vivid picture of God providing food for the birds of the air, as described in Matthew chapter 6.

Other than this, life has been well. Artistically, not much has been going on although I recently was challenged to start and finish a drawing in a limited amount of time because I wanted to reach a deadline for a magazine. It turned out well and it also forced me to use a medium I haven't used in a while: pastels. Now before you start thinking of bold colors or soft drawings of flowers or lakes or something, my use for pastels is to more or less color the paper and through pens and erasing I make the drawing. I'm sure this technique is called something but I haven't a clue what it is. I just know it was a 5 minute exercise employed by a drawing professor in college. I've since started another drawing this way and hope to have a better idea of where I'm going with it soon.

When I get a chance, I'll post pictures!

Rocks and Trees, you and me: part IV

2008-07-22T23:34:00.001-04:00

The Lost River was very impressive. It's a gorge filled with humongous boulders and a river running through it. There were also some caves that we got to explore as part of the trail- simple ones that would be safe for the public to go through alone (some were closed off because of water conditions). It didn't give us a chance to go exploring off the trail, but in these circumstances it was probably best. There really wasn't anywhere safe to go! All the rocks were wet with water or at angles that would have been extremely difficult to remain balanced.

I managed to balance my camera in a little nook in the wall. Yes, it was chilly down in the gorge.

There were many trees growing out of the rocks at crazy angles, much like this one... it was amazing.

This was the entrance to one cave called the Lemon Squeezer, which connected to another cave that had no other entrance (forget the name). This little device was set up so that, if you couldn't get through the "Squeezer Gauge," you were NOT going to fit through certain areas of the cave. It's also designed so that the only way into the cave is to go through the gauge; very smart. Scott and I fit through with ease, and they weren't kidding about parts you had to squeeze through; one spot in particular made you wiggle through on your stomach. I miss caving.

Other random photos from our adventure include these:

I kept trying to get a shot of the White Mountain National Forest sign while in the car, but kept missing. This was the best I managed to get.

You got to have your mini-golf... it took us forever to find one that was open after 5pm.

We couldn't agree on whether this was a crow or a raven. I say it's a raven because it was a very large bird, but Scott says it's a crow. It actually was a lot closer to us than the picture conveys.

How is it that the STATE liquor store is bigger than the "safety rest area?"

I love my bridesmaids. Thanks girls. ;)

Rocks and Trees, you and me: part III

2008-07-22T23:33:00.001-04:00

Glen Ellis Falls was probably our most treasured place to visit through the trip. I know it was for me, because not only did it give me a chance to let my little-mountain-climbing-inner-child at play, but it was also a place where the impact of God's handiwork particularly struck us. I'm not exactly one to stay on the beaten or marked path when I end up in national park settings... So while we did follow the initial route, Scott and I hopped the fence and crawled all over rocks and gazed at water running less than a foot away from our feet. Because of our possibly illegal off-trail-blazing, we were at the Falls for a good hour or more just taking it all in. All of NH was beautiful, but there was one point in which we were standing on the edge of the falls and looking into a vast valley, and realized the small-ness of our existence. It was gorgeous.

That little space up in the rocks is where Glen Ellis drops.

Closer to the drop, I took a picture looking back at the water headed for the edge.

You can't completely tell, but I took this picture by perching on a rock right on the edge of the waterfall, right near that space in the rocks in the previous photo. It was really breathtaking, not to mention probably very dangerous; had I slipped I would have been done for. But I was fine, Scott was nearby the whole time. I need a little more adventure like this in my life.

Safe on ground level = VERY LOUD and misty

I took more pictures further on from this point, but figured I'd spare you even more rocks and water. But we did get to a point where we couldn't go off the beaten path anymore, at least not easily; the rocks kind of just dropped twenty feet and became smaller and smaller down the river.

Rocks and trees, you and me: part II

2008-07-22T23:09:00.000-04:00

Mount Washington was an adventure I won't easily forget. I'd never really been up a true mountain before (everything in PA that's called a mountain really is not - they don't actually reach the altitude needed to be called mountains), and since Mt. Washington is the highest peak in the northeast, what better way to start?? Unfortunately, once we got close to the top it was completely shrouded in fog, so we didn't get to see the view. In fact, we could barely see ten feet in front of the truck or our noses.

Taken on the way to Mount Washington. We came around a bend and immediately when saw this amazing view went, "Woooooooah..." and pulled over.

I was pretty amazed at how the trees and plant-life changed before my eyes as we went up the mountain. I didn't realize that these were the same plants at a lower altitude; they're just stunted because of being so high up. The progressively got shorter and stumpier as we went.

"It's COLD!" The wind was incredible, and very bitingly cold. Here, Scott demonstrates thus. :) And we weren't even near the top yet!

Steep incline getting nearer to the top... and 20 mph the whole way up the mountain.

Talk about eerie: this spot was silent besides the occasional sound of wind and one truck going back down the mountain. If you looked up towards the sky, all you could see was a void of white; it was very disorienting and just creepy.

Rocks and trees, you and me: part I

2008-07-22T22:51:00.000-04:00

Finally, some photos from our adventures in New Hampshire. This was such a great trip for me personally, because I'd never been on vacation before. I know, you must be thinking, Never been on vacation? What kind of crazy talk is that? But it's true! I've been on some mission related trips, but that's not exactly vacation time. Then again, I suppose you could say that my trip to visit my parents in Nevada over Christmas was technically going on vacation, although I never really thought of it that way. Hmmm.... nor the visits to Ohio to visit family. I guess I've never been on a vacation that didn't involve family members before. But of course that's not the only reason it was a great trip, since Scott and I FINALLY got to spend some quality intimate time together without any other distractions or obligations. It was just us, nature, and God. Scott got a little antsy towards the end, since the towns we were nearest to pretty much shut down by 5:00pm, which left us with little to do -- and it rained for the last half of the week, keeping us indoors. But we still had a good time.

It was just beautiful, a much needed retreat from the concrete and noise of the city. New Hampshire was quiet and nothing but trees, mountains, rocks, moose, and bear. Okay, so we didn't really get to see any moose or bears, which was only slightly disappointing. I really wanted to see a real moose! But I digress... these photos will come to you in parts, because there are just too many to put in one blog post to be user-friendly. The photos are also primarily of the sight-seeing we went to, and not much else... so lots of pictures of rocks, trees, water, and fog.

On the way...

We're here! ... Er.. I didn't think to take more pictures of the place we stayed... One nice thing was that the ski resort was in-between seasons, so no ski traffic and no summer traffic. It was VERY quiet, and I liked that. The room/house we stayed in was a cute and giant bi-level kind of place that spoiled me all week. 1200 sq. ft. verses the little apartment of probably like 300 sq. ft. Full kitchen, full living room, and a huge bedroom upstairs. It was awesome.

The Saco River ran right next to the place we were staying at, so close that they had a trail marked out that would take you there from 'campus.' It was really neat, and our first romp in the nature of NH. The trail was primarily in woods, but it cleared out once we got nearer the riverbed.

Tracks that I found right before the river... I don't know what it is, but it looked relatively fresh. Looks too small to be a bear...? Hmm..

We did not set these rocks up, but apparently many other people did. There were quite a few of these stacks along the river...

My first encounter with Black Flies... I'd never heard of them before but WOW are they nasty! Good thing that we discovered this pest (though I got bit up pretty good) early on, and bought deep woods bug spray the next day.

Batman continues to redeem himself

2008-07-20T08:32:00.000-04:00

While growing up, I wasn't a comic book nerd, but I always appreciated the cartoon. I also saw the first Batman movies, Batman and Batman Returns, that our lovely Tim Burton worked on. The other two movies? I saw parts of Batman and Robin and didn't get to see Batman Forever, but I've heard enough to never want to pay to see it. Ever. These latter movies really are disgraceful (although I did hear that Jim Carey did an excellent job with the Riddler... a shame it was in such a stink of a movie).

But, with the newer movies out by Christopher Nolan, I think it's safe to say that Batman is really being redeemed. Batman Begins was excellent and dark - the way I hear some strand of Batman comics really is. Good job there.
I just saw The Dark Knight with Scott on Friday, and we both left the theater speechless (besides the occasional "wow" or "holy crap"). I can't really write reviews, but an aquaintance friend of mine did an excellent job here. Even if you hadn't followed the comics or the TV show, or don't know a thing about Batman, it's still an excellent movie. Heath Ledger did an amazing job with the Joker that made my skin crawl, and it was great to see him in role that was not 'the hot lead' but rather quite a repulsive blood-thirsty psychopath. He was awesome and really nailed the character. May he rest in peace.

Overall, the interaction of the characters and the people around them brings up questions of inherent goodness, a subject worth discussing. I think it also sheds some light on what people are capable of - both good and bad. Batman is no superhero, but a normal man who wrestles with good and evil, and who has to make difficult decisions in his fight to eliminate suffering in Gotham city. The Joker is the extreme antagonist, evidently bent on making others suffer and psychologically beyond anything most of us can comprehend; and yet, there are people out there who are much like this. I think what's great about this movie is that it represents a fairly diverse spectrum of humanity without the supernatural influences of inhuman powers. The technology Batman has is a little out of this world, but that's okay. You have to have your glitz somewhere, especially when your main character is a millionaire that can afford any toys and technologies he wants.

It is worth noting, as well, that there isn't a great deal of gore in the movie. While a lot of flicks like this have excessive blood and gore, I actually don't recall seeing that much at all, but rather the suggestion of bloody, violent (and as Rob notes, creative) deaths. Perhaps this is why the last 30 minutes of the movie catches you off guard and makes you cringe. You'll see what I mean when you go see it. But regardless, the lack of gore is refreshing and reminds me a little of Hitchcock. Nolan shares enough for your mind to put it together psychologically and not showing you directly. I believe that pulling this off takes an incredible amount of talent and skill.

Bravo.
Now go see the movie.

Bits from the Ivy Jungle

2008-07-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

Ivy Jungle brings you trends in student ministry, culture, and higher education. Woo. I found these bits particularly interesting... When I get more down time I WILL actually post pictures from New Hampshire.

Drinking Problems: The Associated Press recently released an analysis of more than 150 college age deaths related to alcohol poisoning from 1999-2005. Among their findings were that such drinking deaths hit a peak of 35 in the final year of that period. Students who drank themselves to death had an average blood alcohol content of .40 - five times the legal limit for driving. Deaths spiked on weekends and after winter finals when students spend more time partying. Of the 18 freshmen who died, 11 did so in the first semester. Overall drinking rates in college are not significantly higher than those of the general population, however drinking until passing out is far more common and has researchers and college officials concerned by the number of alcohol poisoning deaths. (Chicago Tribune July 8, 2008)

Diversity Not as Common as the Catalogue: A recent study of college view books by a sociologist at Amherst has found that promotional photos often over represent diversity on campus. None were as embarrassing as the University of Wisconsin and the University of Idaho incidents where the schools admitted photoshopping the catalogue to add non-white faces to photos of all white student groups. However, they did show that more than 75% of colleges over represent black students in their view books. While black students made up just under 8% of the student populations in the hundreds of schools in the study, they made up over 12% in the photos. Asian students were also over-represented, showing up as 5.1% of students pictured, but only 3.3% in reality on campus. Latinos appeared underrepresented in the photos but the methodology only counted those students clearly racially identifiable in the pictures. Timothy Pippert, who led the study, believes that schools want to show a more diverse community in order to draw more minority students to their schools. However the fear is that students may find the school very different in reality from the image promoted. The researchers also noted that promotional materials generally feature attractive students. One student who helped with the research summarized their findings saying that the photos primarily consist of "hot chicks and minorities." (Inside Higher Ed July 2, 2008)

Inconsistent Religion: Although the US is one of the most religious nations in the world, a survey by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life shows many believe things which contradict their stated faith. 70% of those who claim religious affiliation believe multiple religions can lead to salvation and 68% believe in multiple interpretations of their own religion. 57% of self-identified evangelicals believe multiple religions can lead to salvation. 21% of self-identified atheists believe that some kind of God exists. 80% of respondents believe in moral standards of right and wrong, but only 29% claim their religious teachings help them determine those standards. A copy of the report can be read at www.pewforum.com (SFGate.com June 23, 2008)

Emerging Adulthood: Sociologists have remarked that being 35 today is much like being 35 in previous generations: career, family, marriage are part of most lives. However, being 25 today has changed significantly. In 1970 only 21% of 25 year olds had never been married. In 2005, that was true of 60% of 25 year olds. When asked what marked entering "adulthood," 96% of young adults identified having a full-time job. Less than half said being married. Jeffery Arnett, author of Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from Late Teens through Twenties has remarked on the very amorphous definition of entering adulthood. For most it meant "accepting responsibility for the consequences of one's actions." Often, parents are discouraging their young adult children from getting married to soon. Rather they encourage establishing a career and finishing graduate school before taking such a "destabilizing" step. Young adulthoods often enter a path of serial monogamy, living with partner after partner before marriage. 65% of young adults cohabitated at least once prior to marriage. However, research shows that those living with a boyfriend or girlfriend live lives much more similar to singles than to married couples. (UnMarried, Still Children in Touchstone June 2008 p. 15-18)

Millennial Views on Family Values: Millennials (now in their 20's) have fairly strong traditional values. In a survey by one advertising group they found that 94% respect monogamy and parenthood. 84% revere marriage. 88% say they respect the US Constitution and 84% respect the military. (Touchstone June 2008)

Christianity in China: 2.8% of the Chinese population claimed to be Christian in a survey of Religious Experience in Contemporary China. However 5% had attended a Christian service in the last year. After Buddhists, the study found that "Christians, overwhelmingly Protestant, are the largest group to lay claim to a religious faith." Nearly 75% of those who said they are Christians were women. (Touchstone June 2008)

Aquiring a name and navigating married life

2008-07-10T18:03:00.000-04:00

I can't find anything on the origins of Boudreaux other than it probably originated with French Acadians who lived around Bordeaux but were deported (wouldn't accept English rule) and settled in Louisiana. Figures.

Valenza-
habitational name for someone from the Spanish city of València (see Valencia) or from the Italian town of Valenza in Alessandria province.
Valencia-
Catalan (València) and Spanish: habitational name from any of various places called València or Valencia, principally the major city in eastern Spain, which was formerly the capital of an independent Moorish kingdom of the same name, until it was reconquered in 1239 by James I, king of the Catalan dynasty, and became part of the Crown of Aragon together with the Principality of Catalonia and the Kingdom of Aragon. The city was apparently named from an honorary title derived from Latin valens ‘brave.’

I'll take it.
Photos of NH still pending... they'd be posted with this entry except I have to hustle to a meeting!

Tru Blood Nourishment Drink?

2008-07-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

Updates about marriage (rather, mostly photos from the wedding and New Hampshire) will come. But there was something that had intrigued -- that is, troubled me over the past week that I felt that I must find out more information about it.

This past week when commuting via bus in the city, I'd noticed a few posters about a supposed product called Tru Blood claiming to be a synthetic blood nourishment drink. That's a little shocking, right? Why in the world would anyone in their sane mind make something like that? While I understand that there are individuals out there who believe they are real vampires (I used to believe I was a dragon, so the self-deception is understandable) but even then I was very confused why something like that would be put on the market.

So tonight I decided to utilize the wonders of Google to find out what all this business was all about. Turns out that the product advertisements are actually a very clever marketing scheme for a new series coming to HBO. I have to give them credit, because they are pulling it off very well and even have a faux product website: http://trubeverage.com/ ... the tip off is that not only is the website copyright to Home Box Office, but they also do not have any drink products in their shop section, and the merchandise is sold through HBO's store. With more investigation, the "Yokonomo Bottling Company" from which the product is supposed to come doesn't even exist. This puts me more at ease.

Plus, in searching for this supposed drink, most of what I could find were articles about HBO coming out with a show called True Blood, a series based off of novels by Charlaine Harris and produced by the same folks who did Six Feet Under. I had to double check to see if there was actually a drink product, however-- which means they just got that much more hits on their website. The novels are based in post-Katrina Louisiana in a small town where vampires and humans have managed to co-exist because of a synthetic blood product (Tru Blood) from Japan. Cleverly, the blood product is marketed the same way beer is... which is taken straight out of the novels with the advertisement for the movie. Creative!
HBO even went so far as to set up BloodCopy, a blog that "chronicles the amazing days we live in as vampires attempt to integrate with humans." Is this from the novels? Maybe; I don't know. BloodCopy is linked off of the Trubeverage.com website and apparently is a part of an audience-participation game. My critique is that the photo-shopping of the photos (billboard photos, newspaper articles) is more than obvious, so hopefully no one takes this site to be a real-deal thing. Note: I tend to pick on photo-shopping skills not because I'm good at it myself but because I like to pick out photo-fakes.

The concern that I have with all of this is that there are folks out there taking it seriously - or appear to be taking it seriously. Most of the comments on the BloodCopy blog make me cringe. Not only is the grammar, spelling, and nearly illegible (and extremely defensive, wrought with cursing), the comments are probably also from 14 year olds. Here's a little logic for you: if vampires are supposed to be the fantastic, ancient, knowledgeable creatures myth claims them to be, I'd think they would take a little more time in defending themselves and write a legible sentence. But any rate, the danger with this kind of thing is that people end up taking it way too far... like H.P. Lovecraft's novel series and Cthuhlu. Scary how cults form around books like this, or movies for that matter. No wonder there are Christians that freak out about this kind of thing. Personally, I don't have a problem with fictional books of this nature because it is the responsibility of the community (parents, friends, whoever) to make sure people know it's fiction and it stays in the realm of fiction.

Anyway, it will be interesting to see what happens. In the end I still give credit to HBO's very clever and creative marketing. They sure sucked me in to investigate what all this stuff was about and earned hits on their websites. Kudos to you. Just be careful who you rope in

** Note that I just found... Turns out that this whole deal also includes a buzz about viral marketing... didn't even know what that was. Thanks HBO for expanding my knowledge of advert schemes that I can continue to avoid... or really, thank you Wikipedia for answering my question. Problem that I have here is that I just fell into the structure of viral marketing by telling you all about True Blood. I shake my fist at the advertising giants that be. Love to Wikipedia. **

Delayed update.

2008-06-21T00:06:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone-
There will eventually be a post about getting married, photos from New Hampshire, and all of that. At the moment, I would appreciate any prayers for my family: my step-mother's dad died this morning. I don't have details yet but Cheryl is hoping to make it from NV to OH somehow, and if it's at all possible I'd like to get there myself.

Pray for comfort and peace for that side of the family -- Dan did believe in Jesus so I'm comforted knowing that he's gone home. It's kind of surreal to me though because I just talked to him two or three days ago, and he was talking about trusting the Lord to take care of him. It wasn't sudden per se, he was looking towards getting another heart surgery (probably like his sixth) soon due to an aortic valve causing problems.

Thanks.

Two

2008-05-29T08:36:00.000-04:00

Two more days.

You won't be hearing from me until after our ventures in New Hampshire!

Confessions from a Bride-to-Be

2008-05-25T22:49:00.001-04:00

Sunday: 6 days left

A week from today, I will be a Mrs. In some ways, this seems like the craziest thing in the world, and yet at the same time it seems to be the most natural. Many people have asked me if I'm nervous or anxious, which I suppose is an appropriate question, and I suppose there are some things I am nervous and/or anxious about. But overall, the blanketing sense is not anxiety for May 31, 2008 -- or even beyond. I'm not asking myself questions like, "Will I be a good wife?" I'll mess up and do stupid things, and so will he; right now all I can say is to take it in stride. However, I do wonder what it will be like to learn how to love and be loved in a very real and raw way -- to put down self-interest -- beyond anything I have yet experienced.
I've been a sore critic of myself lately and have taken note that I've felt somewhat jaded. If I search within myself I find it hard to say that I am a very compassionate person; I feel areas of my life slightly hardened... Internally, I bark and bite. I blame Philadelphia but I can't put all that much credit to the place I live, although I feel like I was getting more "spiritual progress" when I lived in the suburbs. I'm tired of stamping around cement streets and having only chance opportunities to feel the texture of leaves or grass between my fingertips. I'm also very frustrated and at a loss over a friend who sinned and broke my heart, because she's unrepentant. Geographically, I am far away from her. The go-go-go pace of the city is only feeding into my do-do-do problem (that is to say, I really don't have a clue how to REST), and for all the world I find it hard to turn off the noise in my head to pray. I feel like I'm losing my sensitivity to the Spirit and God's voice, if ever it was developed in the first place. I hunger to have Scott here, for the sake of having ready opportunities to put my heart and my tears and my frustrations received, heard, and processed-- to be put back out to me in consolation, rebuke, encouragement, and accountability.
All the while I know I could use some deeper, healthy female friendships for the same reason. I miss friends from back home.

God is in control, completely and totally, and working His Holy Spirit into my frustrated heart. Philippians 1:6 is often where I ground myself in times like this. A rough translation: he who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I know He will work these things out if I give Him the chance. This past week I went to a ministry training event (it lasted all week) and while it was very restorative (praise God!), it was also very revealing about these kinds of things. Especially the resting and prayer part. I went to a class that was about Ignatian Spirituality, and monastic prayer; it was very insightful and I can't help but think that the opportunity to look at Scripture and Prayer in a different way was from God.

All of these things flounder around my joy in preparing to be the wife of a wonderful, loving man. There are many, many others but these are the kind of things that are saved for private knowledge, not public knowledge, as Blogs tend to be more public than I think anyone ever really *wants* them to be.

6 days. Ever since I met Scott, life hasn't been the same; God has done quite a bit of stretching in me for the past year and a half. But in 6 days, 144 (actually, less than that), one of the biggest transitions will be made in my adult life will happen. Life as I know it will never be the same; where there is two, there will be one... Two lives coming together under one roof, thinking about the other for all kinds of things (groceries, laundry, etc). That is what makes it crazy. The natural part is that I couldn't imagine having it any other way.
And that's okay with me.

17 Days

2008-05-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

17 days.

Last night Scott and I met up with our pastor friend (John Studenroth) who is going to marry us, to go over ceremony order and vows for the first time.

Tomorrow we're aiming to pick up our marriage license at City Hall.

Wow.

17 days!!

Puritanism

2008-05-10T10:32:00.000-04:00

As I'm slowly reading through my church history book, I *finally* got to the reformation several weeks ago and have moved on since Luther, Calvin, Mennonites, and all that. Currently, they're talking about the Puritans. Here's an excerpt from Church History in Plain Language, pg 192

Chapter 30: The Rule of the Saints

Puritanism: New Life and New World

… In modern times, marked by zeal for individual rights and sexual freedom, “puritan” has come to mean “holy Joe,” a religious snob, filled with fears of sex, who does his best to keep people from having fun. This view of the “puritan” as a moss-backed moralist captured popular thinking in the backlash of Victorian stuffiness. Early in the twentieth century American journalist H.L. Mencken summed up the popular image in his quip that Puritanism was “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”

But is that fair? What was Puritanism originally? Whatever it was, it was not straight-laced. It stood for change and a new day in England. The first Puritans had little confidence in traditional religion. Their plans for a new England arose from a deep conviction that spiritual conversion was crucial to Christianity. This rebirth separated the Puritan from the mass of mankind and endowed him with privileges and the duties of the elect of God. The church may prepare a man for this experience, and, after it, the church may guide him, but the heart of the experience, the reception of the grace of God, is beyond the church’s control.

Points I agree with here: 1. spiritual conversion crucial to Christianity, 2. the reception of God's grace and the experience with God is beyond the church's control. There's more, but that's what I've got so far.

P.S. 21 days to go!

24 days

2008-05-07T15:42:00.000-04:00

Just keeping you up to speed...

Finally have a pastor. Praise the Lord! Now time to work out all the details...

28 Days

2008-05-03T12:48:00.000-04:00

Since I'm taking some time to procrastinate, I may as well write up a blog entry.

Wedding planning has not necessarily been a stressful adventure for me. Actually, it's probably been the kind of adventure that is very typical of me: meandering and changing. We'd been set to marry August 9th outside of Philadelphia with a lot of frills. Then we decided to change the format of the "frills" and make it less because let's face it: I'm not into frills. While we were trying to figure out how to change that, the date was bumped up to May 31st, and then the location changed to California to be closer to my parents. Then not long after that change, the location changed back to outside of Philadelphia. Thankfully, the date has not changed again! *whew!* Quite a run around, right? The major things are taken care of, so it's just a matter of details.

So, this means I'm getting married in 28 days.
28 Days.
I've been counting down consistently over the past week or more. 28 days after today, I will be a wife; I will have a husband; I'll be one with another; I'll be learning how to live with a man that's not my father or my brother. I'll be learning in a very solid way what it means to love, submit, compromise, sacrifice, and more. I'll be able to see Scott nearly every day.

You know, sometimes it seems really surreal. Like today, for example. In about three hours I have a bridal shower. What? Me? Bridal shower?? This is not a bad thing... there's so much joy and gratitude towards God for what's happening. It's almost too good to be really happening. If I'm like this 28 days before, imagine what I'll be like 5 days before! Will it seem surreal the next day? the week following? Will I be caught off guard in a disarming, pleasant way when I wake up in the morning with Scott by my side?

I don't write too many entries like this, but I'm allowed to now and then. I'm not saying all things will be rosey and dreamy... I'm sure there are things that will be really hard and complicated that we have to sort out. That's kind of a given. But you learn through it and you work at it; that's what a relationship and commitment is about. You don't just throw up your arms and say "I give up!" and let the problem settle deep. Through bad times and good times, through very dark times and very light times... you work through it. You pray for mercy, compassion, honesty, humility. All the same, I hope I never cease to wonder over and delight in Scott like I do when I get to see him after not seeing him for a week or more.

Okay. I'm done. :)

Progress...

2008-03-04T19:08:00.000-05:00

Before I had a camera-phone, I figured I would never use it. Since getting one a year ago, I can't imagine not using it. Especially to get quick shots in the studio.

Repetition

2008-03-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

So there's this self-portrait that I'm working on, and I'm figuring out what to do with it next. As I sit in the studio right now, I'm going to proceed in-part with the computer sketch you see below. But, in addition to that I thought I would share some images that came out while I was messing around on my computer. Don't mind the brain-dump that will ensue afterward.

These last two images are very unlike what I typically do. I'm not really into simplification and certainly not repeated simplification... But there was something about the shapes of the birds (left) and the pattern they created when put in a circle (right) that really intrigues me and I can't quite put my finger on why. Birds: I use birds frequently not because I like birds and they're my favorite animal... as terrible as it may sound, I enjoy birds as an object.

I know I'm drawn to Reds, Blacks, and Whites for a couple of symbolic reasons... but to put a solid black circle somewhere is new to me - I like black (or dark) contour lines. Barriers. Boundaries. The defining of an object. This is one reason behind why my work ends up looking very graphic; other reasons include sources of influence, but it's not purely a "I just like that style," kind of thing. But that aside, the repeated simplification is something I've typically tried to avoid because it reminds me of interior design: upholstery, wallpaper, tiles, and that kind of thing. Yet I was encouraged by Rubens at one point to find out what I like to draw and just do it over and over and over again; almost in an obsessive fashion. At least that's what I got out of what he said.. which is how the Wing Pinwheels in a previous entry came about.

In analyzing or studying literature, repetition is taken note of. Repeated words stick out and the author usually intends to communicate something by that repetition... The problem that I face here is that I'm not completely sure what I want to communicate. That and visual repetition isn't "read" the same way as literary repetition. Perhaps this is something I should look into more because birds come up again, and again, and again in my work. I know why I use birds, but does anyone else get it?

Are they supposed to?

Which reminds me of a previous entry, which I won't get into, but it had stuff about mystery in it.

All of that aside I'm going to tackle that painting now. Brain-dump end.

From another blog.

2008-02-18T18:17:00.000-05:00

valuing the arts

posted by luke on Friday, February 15, 2008 at 12:02 AM

The arts are an integral part of urban/cultural renewal. The arts are an integral part of the redemption of the whole person.

A dichotamy between the arts and academics is not only invalid, but pagan. It posits (and stems from) a gnostic-like dualism between body and soul.

The arts do justice to the fact that we are human beings, enfleshed spirits. The arts--music, dance, theater, painting, drawing, sculpture, jewlery, ceramics, printmaking, graphic design, fashion design, interior design, industrial design, etc...-- do justice to the incarnation and the resurrection of the body. The arts posit the importance of the physical world, an emphasis that is desperately needed in a church that is focused on an ethereal eternity, having forgotten the coming resurrection of the righteous.

This is, of course, not to mention a number of other benefits one gains from studying the arts and how those benefits affect the rest of one's education and worldview.

The arts teach us how to think spatially. The arts teach us how to look at the world--to ponder, to meditate, to listen, and to engage before we talk; before we form opinions or make judgments. The arts teach us to appreciate beauty, skill, hardwork, perseverance, and discipline. The arts teach us to appreciate life and enjoy God's good world. The arts teach us that actions speak louder than words, or (if that's too cliche') that our message needs an appropriate and corresponding vehicle.

And I am here only talking about the medium or form of the arts, not to mention the content or the message of any given piece and what that might have to say.

The arts, you see, are essential to the Christian worldview. To say, as a Christian, that the arts are unimportant or that what is learned in an art class is unimportant? That is to give mere lip-service to the Christian worldview without understanding it

New arts in progress

2008-01-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

Finally finished this painting... Sorry that the photo isn't as good as it could be, but I can't re-take the shot because it now is in the hands of its owner. This was a painting that was commissioned with the
directions to "do whatever you want."

Other things I'd kinda been working on. It's been hard to pull in some time in the studio lately, which is incredibly frustrating.

One word can change everything

2008-01-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

Fiancee:

noun
a woman who is engaged to be married.
1853, from Fr. fianceé, fem. of fiancé, pp. of fiancer "betrothed," from O.Fr. fiancer, from fiance "a promise, trust," from fier "to trust."

If you aren't sure what one looks like, all you need to do is find me.

Van Gogh and Faith

2008-01-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

Makoto Fujimura: Refractions 26: The Epistle of van Gogh

This is Christmas

2007-12-25T18:05:00.001-05:00

Right now I am sitting in my parent's living room on the other side of the United States, with Cheryl falling asleep, Dad checking out the space book he got, and Derek incompacitated on the floor.

The area that my parents live in Nevada is very beautiful... even just flying over this area on the plane was breathtaking because I'd never seen anything like it in my life. The rolling hills with dried brush colored with yellows and browns surrounding the little spot is just awesome. Very cold at 4,600 feet above sea level.
Yesterday we went to Lake Tahoe and although it was very cold and the wind was strong and biting, it was gorgeous out there. Lake Tahoe is completely different than here, with ever green trees and blanketed in about two feet of snow. It's nice to get away from the Pennsylvania weather. The Pennsylvania terrain. I needed to see something new and different, and in some ways parts of this area reminds me a little bit of Texas. I'm eager to do more exploring and picture taking with my family for the rest of this week... I'll post pictures later.

It's been a while since I'd posted anything on the art front. I'm actually coming into a season of re-evaluating what I want to do with my work and where I want it to go. I need to be ingesting more art than spitting it out, letting what I see settle down inside to be thought over. I want to see new things and get to know my contemporaries.... as much as part of me doesn't want to do it because it's going to take work. But if I'm really going to continue using certain types of imagery - intentionally or not - then I'm going to have to feed on those ideas and images. As Rubens had put it, perhaps I should become somewhat obsessed with the images I keep using or wanting to use.

Birds
Wings
Bones
Blood / organs
Human figure
Hands

Now I just need to think of where to start... Where shall my feast begin? And HOW? I'm hoping that sometime during the winter break I'll be able to figure out where to start. Because I've been using the image of the bird (and wings), I feel like this is a good launching point. After getting a library card, I'm thinking about popping into the Free Library for a few hours and seeing what I can find out about birds in art and birds as a symbol. Wish me luck!

Back to Christmas in Nevada.

Everybody wants to go to heaven...

2007-12-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

Last time I posted, I posted over a month ago and I was all eager to come up with some profound entry about my experience with being a girlfriend for a year. I wanted to rant about the lack of art making. There was a lot I wanted to write about. But a lot of OTHER things happen as a month suddenly passes.

Like getting into a fender-bender that's left me car-less. I learned a few important things from this experience:
1. Scott's protection and defense on my behalf is fierce. I'm glad I have a man like this in my corner.
2. Losing your car feels like a rock sitting on your chest for a day or two afterward.
3. A Dodge Shadow is no match for an Acura SUV.
4. Asking for rides is humbling in more ways than one.

Besides this I had recently finished David Crowder and Mike Hogan's book, Everybody Wants to go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die (or the eschatology of bluegrass). I needed a book like this. Some of what David and Mike share is tongue-in-cheek or makes me laugh out loud, some makes me comtemplative, and other things is somber. There are a few points at which I could feel the weight that David and Mike felt when recounting their grief over the passing of their pastor; I can totally relate to what it feels like.

It's a book about Bluegrass, the Soul, and Death. (I can't say I have gained a particular invested interest in bluegrass or the history thereof, but it was interesting in a passer-by sort of way)
Finishing the book came at an interest time because I heard a lot about a lot of deaths at the time. Whether family of friends, or crime-related circumstances, it would seem that the subject of death was hard to escape. ... Perhaps I was more aware, and continue to be more aware, because of reading the book. Whatever the case, the point of the book was not to drag you down into this dark hole of mortality. It was uplifting, which suited the authors' point: death is not the end. Death does not win.

I need to hear this and be reminded of it once in a while. Reading a book without first having a clear idea of what it is going to be about can be dangerous. Scandalous, perhaps, because you have no idea what you're investing yourself into. But it's quickly revealed that the book is about death, and it was approached in such a way that I was hooked like a fish. Why do I say it can be dangerous? The risk over reading a book about death -- for me -- means that I have to face some waters I've avoided for a very, very long time.

My mother died when I was 17. I can remember with distinction the sound of my father coming up the steps and towards the door of my bedroom. I was seized with having a feeling I knew what was going to be told to me. As though bracing for the blow. Certainly, the blow came as my dad came near my bedside and told me that mom had died. It felt like I had a ball of curdled milk in my stomach. I don't recall how I cried, I just remember my face buried into my father's chest for a long time. I don't remember stopping. I don't remember my dad leaving but I know he did shortly afterward. I don't remember falling asleep... somehow I did. I woke up that morning and didn't want to move.
I'd been avoiding my mother's death for a very long time. I don't mean to say that I never talked about it. I also don't mean to say that I hadn't been torn up inside every time someone would talk about their mom and growing up ... this was the case for several years, and the notion didn't pass until halfway through college. What I mean is that we were sent her ashes some years ago.

I still have them. If I could avoid touching the box, I would. It weirded me out, to look at a box and think "That's my mom in there."
When Cheryl and dad moved out to Nevada, I had to take the box with me. I felt like I needed to do something with the ashes, like WE needed to do something with the ashes, but I was assured that I shouldn't do anything about it until I'm OK with the ashes when it wouldn't weird me out. During the same week I decided that I wanted to spread her ashes in Paulo Duro Canyon, about an hour outside of where we used to live in Texas. I don't know when we'll get to do this. I just wish the weight of what should be done with the ashes was passed off of my brother and father and onto me.

The box had been sitting in my bedroom in the open for a while since the move. Every time I would look at it, I would think, "There's mom....................."

Then something extraordinary happened.
In the Crowder and Hogan book, they recount their experience of going to the funeral. Going to the viewing. In talking about the deceased's body, it is proclaimed that although it might have a resemblance of their friend, it wasn't. It was something else.

I glanced up from the page and looked over at the box with my mother's ashes. I realized something... those ashes? that's not mom. Technically all the physical components were, but it wasn't mom. Mom was more than flesh and blood, but spirit and personality. There was more to her than anything that could be shoved into a box. Recently, I'd been going through some boxes and trying to clear some clutter in my bedroom and I came to the ashes. I held the box in my lap a while, a white mailing box with our address back in Allentown. For perhaps the second time ever, I actually opened the mailing box to expose the sleek plastic box it held. The first time I did this was several years ago and it felt like caterpillars were eating my stomach. This time, the caterpillars weren't there. I was still ill at ease, but in the sense that you're unsure of what to expect of yourself as you follow through with a discovery.

The rest is between me, the box, and God. Now the ashes are back in the mailing box and sitting in a storage space in my room. I still want to take it to Paulo Duro Canyon. I still miss mom... but it's good to know that I've made peace with something I was afraid of.

So, okay...

2007-11-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

There's a lot to share: from my frustrations with art making (see: lack thereof) to the delights of having celebrated my very first, first year anniversary as a girlfriend a week ago. And everything in between - like using my credit card for the first time, and cringing all the while.

Much to be had, I assure you. However, I do not have the time to delve into it all right now! (blast!) But one of these days coming up, I'm going to hunker down in one of the local coffee shops to smell like coffee and get it all out of my system.

Featured on a blog

2007-10-21T19:51:00.000-04:00

Recently I was interviewed via email by a woman named LeAnne Benfield Martin about my ministry to art students in Philadelphia through the CCO. The blog is called Christians in the Arts and is "a discussion of why Christians should be interested in the arts and an introduction to some artists who are using their work to shine the light of Christ in the world."She's got some interesting interviews from different artists up on her blog that she posts on every Monday and Thursday, so I think it's worth checking out.

And you get to see a little bit about what it's like for me to minister to art students in the city and some reflection about my own work (that will come on Thursday).

Home is the most important place in the world...

2007-10-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

“Home is the most important place in the world,” proclaims a yellow Ikea billboard in navy blue letters over Broad Street in the city that I live in. It proclaims it in another place as well, I think over Market Street… or Arch Street. I’m not sure which it is; I’ve only seen it from a distance, looming in the midst of tall buildings. Ikea also makes this catchy little statement on some of the Septa buses that go throughout the city. While the main purpose of this is probably a marketing scheme to get people to buy home furnishings from their Swedish superstore—where virtually everything can be put together with an Allen-wrench—I think there is something profound about it.

Recently, my parents had packed up the house and moved outside of Reno, NV.

They used to live about an hour’s drive away, which had been the furthest I’ve lived from my parents. I wouldn’t say that we are like a lot of families where the kids see the parents often after being out of the nest for a while. During college, I could go a month or so without really contacting them that much and I only lived about 30 minutes away from them. But I did find that I got along with my parents a bit better when I was away. This is particularly true about my move to Philadelphia… I still wouldn’t call too terribly often, but it was easy to go home any weekend I wanted. I’d left the nest, but the nest was always still there and so I had a home to go to when I wanted to get away from the city.

Now the nest has been removed, and it’s more difficult to go back. The environment is familiar and there are friends to visit, but it’s not the same. I went back about a week ago to pick up some things that were left behind and it was difficult. I’d only lived in that house on and off through college for about three and a half years, but it was still the place that I could easily consider “home base.” The familiarity of things is what makes it home for me; so when I went back and everything in our house was gone, it was tough to come to grips with the fact that my parents REALLY are miles away in Nevada. Despite this, though, I know their being over there is a good thing. I just have a good feeling about it and I know that all shall be well…

Because all matter of things shall be, at some point – no matter how close or distant the time – all things shall be well.

Philadelphia will now become home, and I will have “little homes” in other places like Kutztown and Allentown. Like I had said, I’d already left the nest but now should I be thinking about making my own? For all intents and purposes, I think I will be in Philadelphia for a while. At least, I would like to be; the periods between moving are all too exhausting to keep up with. I’m not too keen on being a migratory bird, that’s for sure.

The signs got me thinking about another thing, however. There is also something terribly ironic about the looming yellow signs proclaiming, “Home is the most important place in the world.” If you’re familiar with cities, then you probably know that with cities come the homeless. There are a lot of homeless people living in Philadelphia’s streets or shelters. Those signs put in their face something they already know too well, and yet they lack it, and whatever the reasons are the results are the same. But I’ve had my thoughts about the homeless shared elsewhere. I'm so fascinated by the ways in which people pass by homeless men and women. Really, it would seem as though they were invisible.

Elephants, really. Lots of Elephants in a room that everyone is trying to avoid looking at or talking about. Or, talking about in ways that are never helpful, or constructive.

I just think it’s ironic.

My Early Muir Owl

2007-09-05T18:43:00.001-04:00

This guy totally needs to get some kind of prize for one of the most creative ways to propose that I've heard of.

Maybe I say that 'cause I'm an art geek.

(and the soundtrack to the little thing is really fun too. I wonder what it is)

Something for me to come back to.

2007-08-10T19:31:00.000-04:00

http://209.59.134.90/~brewweb/weblog/2007/08/saving_fine_arts_in_america.php#more

Other thoughts totally separate from the blog linked above... to put it in a perfectly vague sense, there are movements of darkness and shadows that keep going on, and I can barely stand the weight of it or understand it. But the good news is that I don't have to carry it alone, and the best news is that He is going to make everything all right.

The sun still rises, and there is still light in the muddiness of it all.

A smattering of the long overdue

2007-07-31T13:56:00.000-04:00

In my opinion, this blog entry is long overdue and who knows how long it will go. I've neglected to blog in my thoughts over the past month or so because there are so many, and I doubt that I could expound all the things I've been thinking about.

Living in Philadelphia has taught me a lot about snatching up opportunities that will be gone in a breath, and I miss them all the time. It's hard to go far in the city without seeing the homeless asking for change or lunch or curled up in a ball; and seeing the rest of us pass by as if those human beings were invisible. What kills me is that I'm not just an observer, but often times I'm a participant in this blind walking... although I don't think any of us are blind to it. I'd like to think that I'm not indifferent or uncaring, because I see every single one; rather, I am immobilized by two things: what can I offer? and will I be safe? Most of the homeless are men so - to my shame - concern for my safety tends to take precedence over my servitude. What is a very small relief is that when asked, and if I have it on me, I will give change. But even then I feel like I should and could do more.
Thankfully, God brought in two opportunities for me to serve two people on different accounts by offering food and conversation. I sat with a woman named Sianni for a long time, and listened to her story of abuse and emotional disturbances. Despite her situation, her physical and emotional ailments, she had such a deep sense of hope that God was still taking care of her. I'd been wanting to see her again since our meeting, but haven't found her.
The other was a man named Gregory, who'd been sitting in the same place for at least 8 hours that day (I had passed him few times throughout my coming and going) and needed water. He'd been a wanderer of sorts, and recently kicked out of his brother's home. He doesn't like the homeless shelters because they are dirty. He also said that he doesn't like when people pass and don't do anything, and that he can hear the things they say while walking away. Gregory believes in God, and I tried to encourage him to hope in Christ, that He would provide something better for him, and that maybe from the point that he gets to his sister's he could start over again. I prayed with him, that God would help him to find a job in construction because that's what he likes to do.

I'm so thankful that God provided these opportunities and also - somehow - managed to urge me to act. It's relieving, and I could only guess what other opportunities may arise or if I would meet these two again.
It puts an interesting spin on how things have been going for myself financially, since I've recently found myself near some stickiness. By stickiness I mean that things are tight, and I don't like the spot I'm in. I know that things could be worse, I see it every day, and I try to remind myself that the Lord is taking care of me. I know that He is... I know that He still remains as my Abba, Jehova Jira, Adonai.... and so I must learn to pray that God would teach me to be content in this spot, even though I don't like it. There are so many little things that are easily clouded over, that I take advantage of that are wonderful blessings. The apartment I live in, my understanding roommate, the bed I sleep in, the food I'm still able to eat. God's grace on me is so deep and His love so profound that I cannot fully grasp it. Just the very fact that His Son was nailed to a cross covers my inmost needs ought to be reason enough to worship, praise, and dance with joy. I need constant reminders to bring it back to the forefront and give me strength to press onward without anxiety, which so easily entangles me.

Among the little blessings that God has brought into my life is my boyfriend, Scott, who likewise is going through some financial stickiness. It's amazing to me that despite our financial issues we are still able to see each other and then not be redirecting our monetary frustration at one another. It's a huge relief, actually; I know what it looks like to have one thing bothering the snot out of someone and then have it cast out onto other people. It's pretty ugly and it doesn't help with anything anyways. God has used Scott to point out my own faults and tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear, all in gentle ways. He waits patiently through my times of silent frustration and tries to draw me out, and empathizes in a way that isn't all together familiar to me. He's been instrumental in the ways God has been challenging and encouraging me, to which only God can be given the praise and glory for. Although two hours in this day and age is practically nothing compared to other relationships, I do want for Scott to live closer. But I suppose the wonderful thing about our relationship is that physical distance doesn't seem to make a difference right now; we still are growing closer. It just gets harder and harder to say goodbye.

I've been enjoying Philadelphia, for sure, and getting to know the students that I hang out with. I've been wanting to do more, but that's where the financial end of things gets in the way sometimes. It's also difficult right now because it's summer. Yet I won't have to wait much longer - the new school year is just around the bend, and I'm excited to find out what God has in store for us all. There is a lot of hurting and questions and ambivalence that I see in the faces of people that are not that much younger than myself, and I want so much to see it healed and making sense. How do I do this? How do I dig deeper without offending or asking the right questions at the right time? Really, it's not me at all and I know this. It's another thing I have to remind myself of and rely on the Holy Spirit to do what I do. I have to remember also that the same power that God used to raise Christ from the dead is the same power He can utilize to work through me and use me for His purposes. What a relief to know that I don't have to depend on my feeble strength and flawed dispositions!

As for art... well, I'm sure that there is much I could say, with little fruit to show for it. I haven't been able to work on art nearly as much as I'd been wanting to. I haven't been exploring ideas or tossing out poetic thoughts onto paper really... it's all bottling up and soon I could foresee it exploding somewhere if I can just manage to divvy out my time right.

I suppose that's all I will write for now. If we're lucky, I'll get some more thoughts out there about books I've been reading and whatnot.

Bashir lies, Darfur dies

2007-07-12T12:32:00.001-04:00

Sao Paulo

2007-07-06T13:00:00.001-04:00

Thank you.

SÃO PAULO: Imagine a modern metropolis with no outdoor advertising: no billboards, no flashing neon signs, no electronic panels with messages crawling along the bottom.

Come the new year, this city of 11 million, overwhelmed by what the authorities call visual pollution, plans to press the "delete all" button and offer its residents unimpeded views of their surroundings.

But in proposing to transform the landscape, officials have unleashed debate and brought into conflict sharply differing concepts of what this city, South America's largest and most prosperous, should be.

City planners, architects and environmental advocates have argued enthusiastically that the prohibition, through a new "clean city" law, brings São Paulo a welcome step closer to an imagined urban ideal.

The law is "a rare victory of the public interest over private, of order over disorder, aesthetics over ugliness, of cleanliness over trash," Roberto Pompeu de Toledo, a columnist and author of a history of São Paulo, wrote in the weekly newsmagazine Veja. "For once in life, all that is accustomed to coming out on top in Brazil has lost."

But advertising and business groups regard the legislation as injurious to society and an affront to their professions. They say that free expression will be inhibited, jobs will be lost and consumers will have less information on which to base purchasing decisions. They also argue that streets will be less safe at night with the loss of lighting from outdoor advertising.

"This is a radical law that damages the rules of a market economy and respect for the rule of law," said Marcel Solimeo, chief economist of the Commercial Association of São Paulo, which has 32,000 members. "We live in a consumer society and the essence of capitalism is the availability of information about products."

The statute's most visible impact promises to be at eye level and above. The outsized billboards and screens that dominate the skyline, promoting everything from automobiles, jeans and cellphones to banks and sex shops, will have to come down. All other forms of publicity in public spaces, like distribution of fliers, will also stop.

The law also regulates the dimensions of store signs, and will force many well-known companies to reduce them substantially by a formula based on the size of their facades. Another provision, much criticized by owners of transportation companies, outlaws advertising of any kind on the sides of the city's thousands of buses and taxis.

The law, as passed, also applied to advertising banners trailed by airplanes and ads on blimps. But in the first of what promises to be a long series of legal challenges, a court ruled the clause unconstitutional on the grounds that the federal government, not the city, controls airspace.

"What we are aiming for is a complete change of culture," said Roberto Tripoli, president of the City Council and one of the main sponsors of the legislation. "Yes, some people are going to have to pay a price. But things were out of hand and the population has made it clear it wants this."

The law, approved by a vote of 45 to 1 in September, goes into effect on Jan. 1. Opponents complain that the date does not allow enough time for merchants to comply, that fines of up to $4,500 for violations are extreme and that the result will inevitably be a diminishing of urban life — "like New York without Times Square or Tokyo without the Ginza," Solimeo said.

"I think this city is going to become a sadder, duller place," said Dalton Silvano, who cast the sole dissenting vote and is in the advertising business. "Advertising is both an art form and, when you're in your car or alone on foot, a form of entertainment that helps relieve solitude and boredom."

This is not the city's first effort to regulate outdoor advertising. A few years ago it was prohibited in the historic downtown area. But there have been complaints about inspectors taking bribes and advertisers simply flouting the law.

"All our efforts to negotiate have had no effect because none of the accords and agreements we reached with the advertising sector were ever complied with," Mayor Gilberto Kassab said in an interview. "A billboard that was forced to come down would be back up a week later in a different spot. There was a climate of impunity."

Since "it is hard in a city of 11 million to find enough equipment and personnel to determine what was and wasn't legal, we decided to go all the way, to zero things out," Kassab said. "When you prohibit everything, society itself becomes your partner in enforcing the law" and reporting violations.

Popular reaction has largely been supportive.

"I'm in favor of anything that improves the way this city looks, and this law will definitely make things better," said Fernando Gil, 25, a student interviewed on Avenida Paulista, the main street in the heart of the financial district. "All that neon and bright lights, it just doesn't fit here."

Advertising companies generally acknowledge that abuses of public space have occurred and that a majority of the city's estimated 13,000 outdoor billboards have been installed illegally. But they also complain that they are being made scapegoats, and that the real problem lies elsewhere.

"It is not politically correct to talk about the million-plus posters and signs that small businesses and mechanics' shops have up all over the place, because they are poor," said Francesc Petit, a prominent advertising executive who has spoken out against the law. "It's easier to attack McDonald's and Coca-Cola and the banks, because that doesn't offend anybody."

Kassab said that once the situation is under control he hopes to allow limited, strictly regulated advertising at bus stops, newsstands, outdoor street clocks and public bathrooms. But some residents who support the new legislation hope that day never comes, even if it were to profit the city's coffers.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/12/12/news/brazil.php

P.S. There has been a LOT going on in my world, from rabbits to homeless women to travel plans. Woo!

Where is Thumbkin?

2007-06-16T09:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, I realize that I haven't blogged anything in a while but trust me... so much is going on. Here are some highlights:

1. I have a new car (wait, I updated about that already didn't I)
2. God kicked me in the pants
3. God's grace is carrying me through that listed previously
4. I'm in a new apartment
5. I have a new roommate and she rocks the house
6. I'd been able to see Scott four weekends in a row.
7. Scott's sister had her baby yesterday: a girl, 17 inches, 7.7 lbs (or something like that)
8. I got to be up in NJ for it (went up on Thursday, leaving today)

My month-plus has been crazy busy!

Beautiful song on a beautiful day

2007-05-17T10:34:00.000-04:00

So I was listening to XPN and a song comes on that has these wonderful little lyrics with quirky lines like "I had a dream / I saved your life / I proved my love / I took the bullet / I killed a shark..." When the song was over I felt compelled to go look up the artist and the song. The name of the song is Melt and it's by Phil Roy.
Intrigued, I looked up Phil Roy and ended up finding him on MySpace where he has the song I heard on XPN, as well as two other songs. This is one of the other songs found there, and I wanted to share it because in some ways it is a good reminder for me.

Phil Roy - "It's Alright"

It's alright
Forget what you don't have
Forget that you don't
Just forget it
Forget that you're afraid
Forget that you are
Don't panic
Forget that you're alone
Everyone's alone
Think about it

It's alright
And when it ain’t easy
It’s just life
Don’t worry
It's alright
We're all in the dark
Looking for the light, the light
Don’t worry

Forget that you can't love
Forget that you can't
Just forget it
Forget the reasons why
Forget the reasons
Can you do that
Forget that you are lost
Everyone gets lost in the journey

It's alright
And when it ain’t easy
It’s just life
Don’t worry
It's alright
We're all in the dark
Looking for the light, the light
Don’t worry

Just stop
take a look around you
Just stop maybe it'd be better
If you calm down

It's alright
Perfectly alright
It's alright
And when it ain’t easy
It’s just life
Don’t worry
It's alright
We're all in the dark
Looking for the light, the light, the light
Oh lead me to the light
Lead me to the light

Between movies and religion, and everything else

2007-05-11T20:46:00.000-04:00

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,678640-1,00.html

In light of the recent conclusion in the Spiderman triology, I think it's terribly appropriate that TIME Magazine jotted out this article about the religious qualities found in recent (that is, over the past few years) hits from Hollywood. While Spiderman 3 is pretty overt in its message of redemption and forgiveness, I know that pastors - at least the ones I know or have heard about - have been pulling from less obvious movies for a long time.

Thank you Brewing Culture for your tasty tid-bits.

In other news... I know that the last blog-posts I left you with seemed to be pretty dismal. But as I mentioned previously, there have been some really great things going on in the spit of land I call my world. Thank goodness, too, because I would go crazy if I didn't know that God was taking care of me and doing these cool things.

1. First and foremost, I have a new car. It's a 1993 Dodge Shadow with a matted gray paint job. It doesn't look all too pretty, but I don't complain. Oh no. I had the most amazing van to ever exist: a 1987 Toyota Minivan, silver with purple stripes on the sides, and lovingly named "GiGi." It was terrible, but I loved it.
The Shadow couldn't have come at a better time or in the most humbling way possible. Like GiGi, the Shadow was given to me by someone else. My friend Sarah's parents treat me like a second daughter (which always makes me ponder how my dad feels about it), and they felt the Lord leading them to buy me a newer car. I feel like I don't deserve their kindness, and honestly I can't say enough how grateful I am to them and to God.

2. Earlier on the same day that I found out I would be getting a new car, an opportunity opened up for a place to move... to live with one of the students in my ministry, Emily. I'd been looking at a few apartments (two, really), since the Campbells are moving and Emily plops down in the coffee shop when I was in there one day. She turns to me and says, "Do you know of anybody who's looking for a place to live?" ... Did I ever. The tale of what happened the following two days is exciting and proves that God not only hears and answers prayers, but that He provides and is able to put the resources where His mouth is. I'd been looking at another place that was much cheaper, but considerably far away. I was going to come check it out and I prayed the night before that the Lord would make it abundantly clear to me where He wanted me to be. The next day I get a call from the girls at the house I was to check out, and they basically said that they were moving out and living somewhere else -- and they didn't need a roommate anymore.

So God made it abundantly clear by taking out the option entirely. How crazy is that?

3. The next story takes a bit to explain, so I'll try to be brief - which unfortunately means I have to leave out some details. I hate doing that.
I met a man who knows Ben from the studios, named Michael. He liked my work a lot, and said that he wanted to come by in a few months to see what kind of work I'd come up with by then. I get an email from him the next day saying that he had an opening in his schedule that Thursday or Friday, so I say we can get together Thursday (this was last week). We met from 11AM to 1PM, and the time I had with him was very encouraging to me as an artist.
A really awesome observation of his that he had to share about contemporary artists was how he related them to Translators and Interpreters because of his extensive time spent with both. Many contemporary artists, he said, seemed to be Translators... explaining that Translators merely state exactly what one person said in one language into another language. He went further and said that Interpreters not only translate one thing in one language to another language, but they are able to articulate the emotion and meaning that is found in one language and culture into another.

He said that I was more of an Interpreter, and that this was far better than being merely a Translator, because I seem to deeply feel what it is I'm trying to convey in my work. ... That's encouraging because that's exactly one of the things I want to get across.

By the end of our conversation, he had bought one of my prints and more or less commissioned me to do a painting for a certain (and surprising) amount of money. But this wasn't like your typical commission. He didn't tell me what he wanted and asked me to paint it for him. No, rather Michael had asked me to paint whatever it was that I wanted, with the desire to push me to paint. I'm a printmaker... I'm timid about painting. But he saw a painting I did a number of years ago, and a few others, and said that I shouldn't give up on painting. That I should definitely keep painting. This made me tilt my ear because another person that I did not know who saw (and bought) the same painting said exactly the same thing.
So somehow, by God's grace, I have this benefactor that not only appreciates the art that I have, but wants to see me make more and push me to experiment and go through threshes I am timid to go through.
This is an incredible affirmation to me -- from God, as God's way of reminding me of the gift that He's given me to make art. I still think that I'm just small viddles when it comes to art and art making, but to hear people (that are not my friends or family) seriously appreciate and compliment my work is encouraging.

Those are the awesome things that God has been moving in my life, recently. There are others... oh yes, many others. He is changing and growing and humbling me as His child. Continually and in personal ways.

That's what I've got for now.

Anything

2007-04-30T13:08:00.000-04:00

Love. It's a wave I ride that won't ever reach the shore... Overwhelmed by the tide and wanting nothing more tonight, than to take this time and make it all mine.

It's coming around again...

Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide and I can do anything. The pain won't even cross my mind, there is wonder in everything. The rope gets loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything.

Hope. It's the light that strikes that burns inside of me. It's a binding light but somehow I can see again when I've lost my way. It's becoming very clear.

It's coming around again...

Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide and I can do anything. The pain won't even cross my mind, there is wonder in everything. The rope gets loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything.

Somewhere between the darkness and the light my spirit takes flight. The colors fill the sky and I am free.

Every now and again sometimes I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide and I can do anything. The pain won't even cross my mind, there is wonder in everything. The rope gets loose and the chains unbind and I can do anything.

-- Mae, from The Everglow CD

As tempting as it is, I cannot be overwhelmed by all the atrocities in the world or in this country, or even in this City of Brotherly Love. I dare to ask why and for what reasons these things happen, but buried in the pit of my belly, I know why. It's more than just pent up frustrations or twisted psychology or revenge. It's a darkness that dares to claim people as its own, a spiritual beast that devours with each step in alleys the of America and China, the desert of Sudan and Iraq, and all over the world. It's a beast that says that the life of every living thing - human or otherwise - is totally expendable and at the mercy of those who pretend to be God.

I want it to stop, and I pray and I long for the day of the Lord -- when there shall be no more tears or bloodshed or death. But I realize that I am an agent of Light, and I cannot be overcome by evil. I can't curl up in a little ball, brought to a spit of helplessness in the face of the work of satan... With tears and confidence I must come before the Lord for those who are in that darkness, who are overcome by evil, who act in evil and are affected by evil. The One who is in me is the One who can overcome evil with Goodness, Holiness, and Truth. I pray that I can be used as God's tool to bring this to people so they can see beyond the darkness.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
"...the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

Atrocity in the name of "art"

2007-04-30T10:32:00.000-04:00

Apparently, a Hungarian filmmaker won an award at a film festival recently for his "edgey" or innovated piece. I don't know the reasons why he won the award, but what I do know is that he should not have been awarded anything. There is a scene in the film that lasts more than 2 minutes in which a kitten is held underwater until it dies. The entire drowning process is shown in the film. For this reason, I am not including a link to where you can see the film. The jury says that they had thought that the scene was a special effect, but the filmmaker himself admits that it is not. He claims that the cat was ill anyway, and this was a "mercy killing."

I think that's B.S.

I had once heard a story on Animal Planet about a group of men that were arrested for cutting up a horse with a chainsaw, while it was still alive. And taking photographs. I don't know their reasons, and quite frankly I don't care.

These are more than just an "animal rights" complaints for me. I do love animals, as they are a part of God's creation, although I do not put them on the same level as human beings. They are to be taken care of. To actively torture, injure, mistreat, or effectively kill an animal with no real reason (which drowning would be) speaks volumes towards the inner psychology and inner spiritual darkness of a person. They have a twisted regard for that which is living, whether it is animal or human. Who is to say that an act of violence towards an animal would not lead towards violence in the realm of humanity? It is indeed a deep darkness for someone to take the life of something else into their own hands in torturous ways. More than that, to revel in it and celebrate the "artistic freedom" of it after having won an award for it.

Makes you think about movies that revel in the "entertainment" of horror. Yeah we know it's not real in THOSE movies, but you know there are twisted individuals out there that want to make it real, and are highly entertained by the idea of torturing others. Some who do make it real. ... Not as being influenced by media per se, but influenced by the darkness already within them, mastered by none other than the father of lies.

I wish I didn't watch the video. I'm scarred for the rest of the day... prayerfully the image will be burned out of my mind somehow.

Good things have happened since the last post that I made, and hopefully my next post will include those joys. This was just too startling to not say anything about.

Jesus is Gone

2007-04-28T18:41:00.000-04:00

LA Times article about churches in Europe:

The Bell Tolls for Germany's Churches

Thought it was interesting, especially because I have an artist's studio in an old church. The difference is, though, that the church is still active-- not like it had been in it's former days, but people do still attend. I suppose another big difference is that it's in the middle of a city, and not the countryside villages.

This week: Emotions run rampant

2007-04-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm having the most emotional-rollercoaster week than I have had in a very long time.

Monday: Virginia Tech
Tuesday: Can't stop thinking about VT
Wednesday: Still thinking about VT, and then I get wind from some crazy stuff going down at my alma mater, Kuztown University. Last night I had to wrestle with God about financial stickiness as well.
This morning: Still wrestling with that stickiness from last night, and VT, and I find out more information about what went down at KU.

In the midst of being sorrowful and trying to climb out of it, now I'm a little pissed off and I'm trying really hard not to be (that is, to not sin in my anger).
So there's this Philly based group of people called "Repent America" and "Life and Liberty Ministries" and they decided to show their faces at Kutztown University campus yesterday -- the Day of Silence, of all days, and only two days after the Virginia Tech shooting. These are your fire-and-brimstone types, REPENT OR PERISH kind of people. Bearing signs reading "Homosexuality is a sin," and talking about abortion (apparently putting up images near the childhood and development center), they came with bullhorns. I wasn't there, but I've seen some photos and WFMZ's coverage of it ... and regardless of how accurate or not WFMZ's coverage is, the fact that this happened at all makes me mad. It's these kinds of people that made me not want to be a Christian so many years ago, so I have a biased stance on the whole situation, because I believe this kind of attitude blasphemes the very nature of God.

The most striking thing about their actions is that it speaks more as John the Baptist than Jesus. While it was necessary for John the Baptist to speak about repentance, and repentance is necessary, aren't we supposed to be like Jesus in our actions and preaching? The people that Jesus spoke out against the most were not sinners but the religious leaders of the day (which happened to be the Judaic priests and Pharisees, etc). They were rebuked for their hypocrisy, self-righteousness, and being "white washed tombs." They were rebuked for making it difficult for people to enter the kingdom of heaven by placing on them the Law and its regulations. (Matthew 23) This has a familiar ring to my ears with groups like the ones that showed up at Kutztown. Looking at Repent America's website, they seem to be more focused on the Old Testament Law than anything else... which doesn't make any sense to me, because we are part of the New Covenant. If you try to cling to the Old Covenant, you're a slave to the Law... and if you're a slave to the Law, the grace of God through Jesus Christ is worthless to you. Paul talks about it plainly in Romans. In a sense, you're making an idol out of the Law, and doesn't God's word say that there shall be no idols before Him? I believe that the Ten Commandments stand true today, otherwise there would be a lot of issues going on in the world. But Jesus says that the Law is summarized by loving the Lord your God, and loving your neighbor as yourself. In braying about fire-and-brimstone the way they do, they're not exactly characterizing the Love of God in a way people will understand.

And here's the thing... I do believe that homosexuality is a sin, and I do believe that abortion is a sinful act and I am pro-life. However, I also believe that I should hate the sin and love the person who is made in the image of God. A common phrase is 'hate the sin, love the sinner.' I recently read in a book of mine that it's more accurate to say that you're loving the one who bears the image of God. Abortionists and homosexuals, regardless of their acts, are still made in the image of God just as much as I am. More than that, why is it that their sin is of greater import than my sin? Aren't we all in the process of sanctification -- that is, being moved and changed and grown by the Holy Spirit so that our sins are pushed out over time? We aren't going to reach holiness and perfection in this life, and anyone who thinks so is heretical. Yes, we are covered by the blood of Christ and covered by HIS righteousness... but, we still sin even as Christians.

As someone had mentioned on a Facebook group, I'm sure that these groups think what they're doing is right. I'm sure they would look at me and, for this and several other reasons, think that I'm just as whacked out of my gourd as I think they are. And that's where the worlds collide, grappling until Kingdom Come.
God is a wrathful God, God is a just God. He is also a God of love, compassion, patience, and peace. How all of this works together, I don't know, because I am not God.

So all I can say, in spite of all my frustration and anger, is that God will deal with them as He will deal with us all.

I'm so tired of having an emotional week....

What these things produce: poetry

2007-04-18T22:55:00.000-04:00

The Blood of Abel

Unsettled and uneasy with heavy shoulders,
and graying out my sense of color,
this weight lingers just above me.
I struggle to decipher what I see
and what I know.
The underbelly of a beast
feels the ground protesting its feast,
where Abel cries out, desperate to be heard;
the seed of his life stolen by cruel birds.

All men suffer and all men die,
but this? this grips me inside
like tendrils loose enough to give me room,
yet entrapping me with a sense of gloom.
Is what we reap really what we sow?
I smell blood and death
yet know of glory's bredth-
This paradox arrests my thoughts;
is frustration all but naught?

In quiet buildings and classroom halls,
colors hide in corners, afraid of the Fall.
The sounds break silence and cut through more:
life doesn't soak into tile floors,
nor retreat its flow.
How long, O Lord,
must they die by the sword?
How long must time repeat the terrible?
I cannot stand the story of Abel.

Blood pleads, thick and drawing near,
"Why weren't you here?"
Why are there children of Cain?
When will you restore the slain?
Yet you do know.
This did not all go on unseen,
they aren't left alone, in need.
Help us to wait, O Lord,
for our hearts to be restored.

YB 07 4 18

Their Names...

2007-04-17T20:37:00.000-04:00

Maxine Turner
Henry Lee
Matt LaPorte
Lauren McCain
Prof. Jamie Bishop
Prof. G.V. Loganathan
Juan Ortiz
Jarrett Lane
Ryan Clark
Leslie Sherman
Caitlin Hammaren
Prof. Liviu Librescu
Prof. Kevin Granata
Reema Samaha
Emily Hilscher
Jocelyne Couture-Nowak
Daniel Perez Cueva
Ross Alameddine
Jeremy Herbstritt
Daniel O'Neil
Mary Read
Nicole White
Erin Peterson
Mike Pohle
Matt Gwaltney

Student blog entries found through WRAL.com.
As I read them, I cannot help but be gripped emotionally.
One
Two
Three

Virginia Tech

2007-04-16T22:40:00.000-04:00

I found out about this morning's events around noon today, well after it had happened. I was drawing and listening to xpn.org, and NPR came through with the news. As soon as they said anything about VT my ears were attentive, because I have a friend that attends VT. Not just that, but the fact that it happened at all was shocking enough.
It was shortly thereafter that I called CJ up to see if he was okay and unfortunately I only got his voicemail. Thankfully, I got a call from him about two hours later, but my heart is still heavy for the campus.

33 college students gone in the blink of an eye.
It was this kind of thing that made me question life, death, and everything in between back on 9/11/2001, and snowballed my search for God. I can only pray that the same sort of thing would happen to others in this situation, as unfathomable that seems to me right now. I can only imagine the questions of, "How could God allow something like this to happen? Wasn't He watching?" abound.

Having just started working on a college campus -- a scant three months ago -- I have my own questions. What if something like that happened here? What if some kid snapped and decided they were going to take the lives of others into their his (or her) own hands? Would God enable me to receive those grieving, and gently bring light and hope in their lives despite current events? Would I even know how to serve them in the midst of my own grief? What would I do?
I don't know the answers to these questions, and honestly they are not questions that I should be asking at this point in time. Something might happen, as no one expects these things to happen. Blacksburg didn't. What is more fitting is to continue to pray for the school, the students, the families, and the friends. Holding off classes tomorrow will do little in allowing students time to cope on Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday. "Life will carry on and the pieces will be picked up over time, though." To be honest, I think that's the crapiest thing to say to anyone, despite the fact that it is true. Death comes in, and even when we are sick and frail, we do not expect for it to come the way that it does. It seems unfair. It is further unfair when life is snatched out from under one human being by another human being. Life will carry on, but not without a certain amount of weight.

The ironic thing about it is that, although people say that death is just a part of life no matter how it's taken out of the picture, we are all still moved in some way when someone close to us dies. As I learned from a dear friend who learned it from someone else, the fact of the matter is that we were not meant to die.

We were not designed to automatically know how to handle death. I would say that no matter how old we get or how many funerals we encounter, or how scientific we look at it, or how jaded we become, we simply learn how to cope with death. You do not learn it the way that you learn how to ride a bicycle and then simply know what to do after it has been learned. Some may nay-say, but you have to understand that I believe that people were created by a Creator who intended us to live forever... until somebody had to go and screw it up. And now that it's screwed up, we're still picking up the pieces and often dropping them at the same time. It's a terrible situation... but, this is why Jesus Christ is such an integral part of my life.
Despite the fact that death causes me to feel wounded as a human being, and although it causes me to be angry and then broken when I hear about one person killing another person, I know that things will be restored to order one day. Until then, we go through days of sorrow, and then better days.

There is a better day coming for those that lost someone today. It might be a week from now, or years. When it does come, it will be a great sigh of relief to have the burden lifted off of their shoulders. Until then it will be heavy... some days heavier than others. But looking towards that better day and having hope that things will get better will come, after the grief.

And thankfully, we are allowed to grieve.

Art Auction: v.1.5

2007-04-04T21:10:00.000-04:00

I promise, I'll stop posting about random things and actually tell you about the auction. ... At least, I could try. As I think I mentioned previously, I was stowed away in my studio for most of it, being the social bug that I am.

That doesn't make sense. Let me start from the beginning.

Scott (read: my faithful and handsome assistant) went down to the studios with me decked out in a trusty pair of jeans and t-shirt only to arrive at the Studios to realize that I hadn't gotten the memo for attire. So I scurried back to home, changed, and scurried back to the Studios in heeled, fancy boots, fancy skirt, and fancy shirt. I had to get all gussied up, which generally speaking wasn't such a bad thing except that my feet were ready to revolt by the end of the night.
But anyway.
So we got there and helped to set up the finishing touches. People started to filter through and quite honestly I feel like I left myself for a good half hour because I don't remember what all I had done. I know I caught sight of two supporters of mine (Heather and Vince) from Quakertown and left Duy and Scott in the dust. I chatted. I said hello to co-workers that filtered through, as well as some students... and then at some point I brought Heather and Vince up to the studio to discover the small herd of people therein. That's when I hustled with my faithful assistant to set things up that I didn't previously think about setting up. I talked and my insides felt like they were tied up in knots, and that's how most of my evening went. Any time I caught wind of my prints on auction being bid on, I scarcely could believe it.
I was shocked that anyone wanted to buy prints out of my studio, too.
So I was a stationary social bug, talking to people about my work and primarily explaining collagraph printing. I must have explained it ten times that evening, and at some point my faithful assistant brought me water because my throat was getting very, very dry and tired. Thank you, Scott. I'm glad I can count on you for being there for me. Thanks also to everyone who came into my studio, but most of those people have no idea that this blog exists... so my thanks is moot to them. Rats.

Overall the auction went well. There were tons of people there, and I'm grateful that we could do it and that I had the opportunity to participate. It's encouraged me to take the steps towards applying for a type of membership for the Washington Printmakers Gallery down in DC... which seems pretty far to be applying for, but long story short I was encouraged to do so by one of the folks on committee back in October at that show I participated in. We'll see how things go... I think that if I didn't participate in the Art Auction, I wouldn't have thought to apply right now. Funny how things work out. I hope that the night was as encouraging to my Studio-mates as it was for me, and that they had a great time meeting people.

I would share photos, but most of my photos are uninteresting; besides, I only have six total.
I'm sure I'll fish some up at some point from somewhere, but I'm not worried about it. The night was a total blur, and I was fully exhausted from it.

That's all I've got.