In my opinion, this blog entry is long overdue and who knows how long it will go. I've neglected to blog in my thoughts over the past month or so because there are so many, and I doubt that I could expound all the things I've been thinking about.
Living in Philadelphia has taught me a lot about snatching up opportunities that will be gone in a breath, and I miss them all the time. It's hard to go far in the city without seeing the homeless asking for change or lunch or curled up in a ball; and seeing the rest of us pass by as if those human beings were invisible. What kills me is that I'm not just an observer, but often times I'm a participant in this blind walking... although I don't think any of us are blind to it. I'd like to think that I'm not indifferent or uncaring, because I see every single one; rather, I am immobilized by two things: what can I offer? and will I be safe? Most of the homeless are men so - to my shame - concern for my safety tends to take precedence over my servitude. What is a very small relief is that when asked, and if I have it on me, I will give change. But even then I feel like I should and could do more.
Thankfully, God brought in two opportunities for me to serve two people on different accounts by offering food and conversation. I sat with a woman named Sianni for a long time, and listened to her story of abuse and emotional disturbances. Despite her situation, her physical and emotional ailments, she had such a deep sense of hope that God was still taking care of her. I'd been wanting to see her again since our meeting, but haven't found her.
The other was a man named Gregory, who'd been sitting in the same place for at least 8 hours that day (I had passed him few times throughout my coming and going) and needed water. He'd been a wanderer of sorts, and recently kicked out of his brother's home. He doesn't like the homeless shelters because they are dirty. He also said that he doesn't like when people pass and don't do anything, and that he can hear the things they say while walking away. Gregory believes in God, and I tried to encourage him to hope in Christ, that He would provide something better for him, and that maybe from the point that he gets to his sister's he could start over again. I prayed with him, that God would help him to find a job in construction because that's what he likes to do.
I'm so thankful that God provided these opportunities and also - somehow - managed to urge me to act. It's relieving, and I could only guess what other opportunities may arise or if I would meet these two again.
It puts an interesting spin on how things have been going for myself financially, since I've recently found myself near some stickiness. By stickiness I mean that things are tight, and I don't like the spot I'm in. I know that things could be worse, I see it every day, and I try to remind myself that the Lord is taking care of me. I know that He is... I know that He still remains as my Abba, Jehova Jira, Adonai.... and so I must learn to pray that God would teach me to be content in this spot, even though I don't like it. There are so many little things that are easily clouded over, that I take advantage of that are wonderful blessings. The apartment I live in, my understanding roommate, the bed I sleep in, the food I'm still able to eat. God's grace on me is so deep and His love so profound that I cannot fully grasp it. Just the very fact that His Son was nailed to a cross covers my inmost needs ought to be reason enough to worship, praise, and dance with joy. I need constant reminders to bring it back to the forefront and give me strength to press onward without anxiety, which so easily entangles me.
Among the little blessings that God has brought into my life is my boyfriend, Scott, who likewise is going through some financial stickiness. It's amazing to me that despite our financial issues we are still able to see each other and then not be redirecting our monetary frustration at one another. It's a huge relief, actually; I know what it looks like to have one thing bothering the snot out of someone and then have it cast out onto other people. It's pretty ugly and it doesn't help with anything anyways. God has used Scott to point out my own faults and tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear, all in gentle ways. He waits patiently through my times of silent frustration and tries to draw me out, and empathizes in a way that isn't all together familiar to me. He's been instrumental in the ways God has been challenging and encouraging me, to which only God can be given the praise and glory for. Although two hours in this day and age is practically nothing compared to other relationships, I do want for Scott to live closer. But I suppose the wonderful thing about our relationship is that physical distance doesn't seem to make a difference right now; we still are growing closer. It just gets harder and harder to say goodbye.
I've been enjoying Philadelphia, for sure, and getting to know the students that I hang out with. I've been wanting to do more, but that's where the financial end of things gets in the way sometimes. It's also difficult right now because it's summer. Yet I won't have to wait much longer - the new school year is just around the bend, and I'm excited to find out what God has in store for us all. There is a lot of hurting and questions and ambivalence that I see in the faces of people that are not that much younger than myself, and I want so much to see it healed and making sense. How do I do this? How do I dig deeper without offending or asking the right questions at the right time? Really, it's not me at all and I know this. It's another thing I have to remind myself of and rely on the Holy Spirit to do what I do. I have to remember also that the same power that God used to raise Christ from the dead is the same power He can utilize to work through me and use me for His purposes. What a relief to know that I don't have to depend on my feeble strength and flawed dispositions!
As for art... well, I'm sure that there is much I could say, with little fruit to show for it. I haven't been able to work on art nearly as much as I'd been wanting to. I haven't been exploring ideas or tossing out poetic thoughts onto paper really... it's all bottling up and soon I could foresee it exploding somewhere if I can just manage to divvy out my time right.
I suppose that's all I will write for now. If we're lucky, I'll get some more thoughts out there about books I've been reading and whatnot.
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