To the Weary, From the Wearied

Lately, I've been tired.

The tiredness is not just in the sleeping sense, although I have noticed my sleep hasn't been as restful as it could be because I've had some pretty bizarre dreams. Such as: a middle aged man trying to kill me; a plot in which my best-friend and I and others would be kidnapped and used as guinea pigs (although we were saved by my hubby); aliens that hunt women; and others. Aside from those dreams I've slept OK, just not enough.

I'm tired mentally since I've probably been a lot more stressed than I really even realize. Actually, it's only been since the other day that I was at all willing to admit that I'm stressed out at all. But when I started getting morose in my times alone I realized, "Hey, wait a second. This isn't normal." My legs hurt, my eyes and throat hurts, my whole body sometimes feels like it's stretched out like a piece of bubble-gum. Yet for everything that is stressing me out, I know in my head that God has a counter balance to it.

Finances are tight. God is providing for us every day.
I just started a part-time job in addition to my current job. This can connect me to my community and neighborhood.
Scott and my schedules are out of whack. It'll be okay and it can get worked out.
I miss my friends from 'back home.' God has provided new, wonderful people in my life to connect with.
I feel like I'm pouring out my energy and not being poured into. God can restore me regardless.

I guess you could say that all these things require patience and trust. It just feels like a lot of things in my life are in upheaval right now and any time that happens I'm just never really sure what to do. I know what I ought to do: seek peace and joy in the Lord. But I've noticed that this is horribly difficult for me to put into practice. I can read all I want about Sabbath, and know as much as I can about Sabbath, but does any of it mean anything at all if I don't actually DO it...?

One thing I can trust, though, is that I know instinctively that everything is going to be alright. I continually remind myself of this, even when it's painful to do so and I feel like throwing my hands up and defiantly say, "I QUIT." And it's never about anything specific.

The other day Scott was praying for us and said something about asking God for strength. As if a light bulb went on when he prayed that, I realized that I needed to be asking for strength every day - how simple! When Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest," I could imagine that would also mean stop using all my own energies to do things and accept His energy and strength to do things. If I really sit and think about it, though, a lot of my energy is used up in worrying. No wonder I'm so exhausted; worry is a beast that is never satiated. It's more like an animal with a black hole for a mouth, sucking in every life circumstance it can. To combat that I need the kind of strength that is beyond any human comprehension. I'm not Xena Warrior Princess (although that would be pretty sweet).

I've lost my train of thought... but what I suppose my point is, is that I need some time to just sit and breathe and not worry. I hope I can take a trip out of the city for at least a few hours and take a time-out in nature.