Twenty-Seven

Today it's my birthday. It's snowing, it's Saturday, and later I am having sushi. Score.

Since the last post, I got my hair cut. While that was happening - and maybe it was the lighting - I was reminded of how dreadfully pale I am, especially in the winter. I'm hoping it was the lighting, although I am aware of my inability to tan at all. I looked like a ghost compared to my stylist, whose melanin is more ample with ruddy undertones than mine. At least my freckles don't betray me in the summer. But, really, that has nothing to do with my hair. For my hair, I now have bangs. See?

I've pretty much parted my hair the same way all of my life -- or at least as long as I've been able to "style" my own hair. At 27, I decided to switch things up and tell my stylist to have at it and be inspired. (I am certain that most stylists do not want a client to say that. Ever.) She asked if I wanted to keep the part in my hair the way it has been, and I said, "I want to part it either way now, I want something different; so whatever would look best." Viola: Bangs. It's a big difference for me and that's what I wanted. It feels strange looking in the mirror, so I'm still getting used to it. But I like it. Just thought I'd share.

Also, I've managed to work on some artwork that has been sitting, waiting for me, over the past few months. Although I am not totally satisfied with how things are going so far, these are merely works-in-progress. So I've still got time to change things up a bit. The first is a little bit of a mess at the moment, and still in the early stages of development.. which works out fine, since I'm still trying to refine this particular painting style I'm going for. I've also got to tweak the composition a little, either through re-painting areas or through color. We'll see. It'll be a while before the final piece comes to fruition (yay oils!).

As for the second piece, it is a pretty far cry from the type of work I've been doing over the past few years. For one, it's mostly blue, rather than yellow ochre. Secondly, and equally as obvious, is that there's a whale. If you know me, you could safely say that birds have been my animal-symbol of choice for a while. I put them everywhere. But whales? Whales have been bubbling up in my head for a little while now, and it's just been a matter of time for me to figure out how to portray them the way I want. This piece is only the beginning.

What I'm iffy on about this drawing, though, are the lines swirling around the whale. The idea is pulled from ocean current maps. Visually, it needs more work. Not sure what to do with it yet either, or how to refine what I've got. I'm using pastel pencils, and I think that if I were using paint or making an etching or even collagraph, I would have a much better idea where to go from here. On the other hand I think it's good for me to challenge myself with a different sort of medium.

Almost time to go have sushi. Since my girl kitty Autumn is wandering the apartment talking, I should probably go play with her a little bit before I leave. Perhaps tomorrow I'll work on the rest of that Bucket List from the last post, although one of two things could happen after I get home from church, that would distract me from such a thing as blogging: Dragon Age (my husband suggest I try getting an RP game for the Xbox so I would have a video game to play on my own; I should have declined since I know how easily I get sucked into those types of games. Final Fantasy Playstation games, anyone?); or hopefully working on necklaces to sell.

Hey there, 2011...

Sitting on my new couch, enjoying the new layout of our living room (the feng shui is way better than it was before), and avoiding the office -- which is piled with music equipment, due to an unfortunate incident in which my husband was removed from the band he was in -- I figured it was high time to mess around with my blog on my day off. I'm also waiting to go get my hair cut, and it was either write a blog or play video games. Or make some kind of finagled artwork.

Or go sit in a coffee shop and work on reading Female Chauvinist Pigs, or start reading The Great Divorce. Or continue reading Opening to God: Lectio Divina and Life as Prayer. (I have a nasty habit of trying to read several books at once)

Anyway.

It's 2011, and only a few days till my 27th birthday. Hooray! I actually find myself in a weird, almost limbo sort of place since my husband was asked to leave the band he was in, and my mind has been a battleground of conversations that will never happen with former band members and being sore at God for life getting twisted up in a frustrating way again. However, I must remind myself in the midst of this no-clue-what's-next moment that that is what it is: a moment. A season. 2010 as a whole felt like a fall and winter of transitions, and I'm hoping spring is around the bend (both literally and figuratively). I must also remember that all-in-all we are doing well. God is taking care of us; we have a roof over our head, no want in our bellies, and friends & family (and two cats) who love us. So really, its our hearts and our attitudes that need to be adjusted. I pray this comes together soon.

I also hope that both my husband and I will be able to implement our creative energies in some way besides it all sitting in the office (all of my artwork and materials are also piled there). Thankfully, I have a solo-show in April that I should be preparing for soon, and a possible opportunity to help put together a show sometime in the Fall, which is encouraging. We'll see what is in store for Scott.

That aside.. my lovely friend Erin has issued a challenge to come up with a sort of bucket list of 30 things to do before turning 30 years old. I can't help but be caught up in her enthusiasm! however I'm terrible at coming up with lists. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Live in a place with free laundry
2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed
3. Have an art studio again
4. Seriously pursue having kids
5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine
6. Take a self-defense class
7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again
8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy
9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)
10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot (preferable with the hubby)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

Ok. I can't think of any more right now because my stomach is gurgling at me and it's high time I run some errands before getting my hair cut. More to come at some point; I'll try not to hold you in suspense.

I wouldn't say this is exactly "rising from the ashes..."

This blog has been quiet for far too long. In fact, it's been so long that I won't even bore you with the details of the past several months besides saying that I have a stable job that I enjoy (as opposed to an unstable job that I enjoyed) and every time I think about making artwork, I feel like I want to explode because there is a sufficient lack of space in which I can make art.

That's not why I'm writing this blog entry, however.

At the beginning of last year - in the thick of winter - I realized that winter in the city with its gray concrete, gray buildings, gray sky, and dead trees made me feel depressed. It was a nice revelation since it gave insight into why I would want to cry and not want to get out of bed some days during winter months. With that in mind for this year, my wonderful husband made sure that I read over a little article, sent from HQ of where he works, about how to gird myself against the assailant known as Winter Blues. I thought I'd share with some snarky commentary.

Lighten Up The Winter Blues

Feeling tired, irritable or unmotivated? (why yes! I am starting to feel that way). You’re not alone. 1 in 4 people usually feel some form of seasonal winter sadness. Add in tough economic times, and you may be suffering a 1-2 punch.

Fortunately, most people benefit from some simple steps:

Look to the light.
Seasonal sadness may be tied to shorter days and less natural sunlight. Open blinds or curtains first thing in the morning; walk outdoors in the daylight for up to an hour a day if possible; increase natural light indoors. Brighten up your home by adding additional lamps and lighting fixtures during the winter months. Spend time outside on warmer days when possible.

(I would love to add an array of lighting in our apartment, since it's already dark to begin with. The classic villain here: Electric Bill. Introducing the glory of artificial sun also introduces the pinch of paying for it. Energy saving bulbs would help except I can only find cool shades and nevermind that they contain mercury. Going outside shouldn't be a problem, except the cold...)

Color your world.

Studies show that red can encourage activity and overcome depression. Yellows stimulate. Orange shades bring joy. No need to repaint home or office however; just spot-treat with throws, pillows, flowers or artwork.

(This is actually a fantastic idea; and I love color. The chronic problem I have is that I am perpetually drawn to shades of blue, purple, and green. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy warmer colors. I just can't seem to figure out how to incorporate them in either my wardrobe or home decor. We sleep in blue sheets. There are browns/blues/greens in the living room. The bathroom is blue/white/black. I am obsessive-compulsively 'cool,' and not in the sense of being awesome.)

Get jumpin’ jack.
One hour of outdoor exercise can be as mood elevating as 2.5 hours of clinical light therapy. Even indoor exercise can have a positive effect; just get in the habit and stick with it. Starting an exercise routine and sticking with can boost energy levels and endorphins so you feel more alert.

(It's time I confess: the idea of exercise makes me cringe regardless of how much I know it would be beneficial. Let me tackle the color problem I have and then maybe I'll feel motivated enough to exercise.)

Up and at 'em!
Resist the urge to oversleep, and get on a regular sleeping schedule that allows you to be awake as much as possible during sunlight hours. Avoid taking naps.

(This is a realm I have little control over, but at least it's in a positive way. Not only does my body refuse to nap unless I am ill, and I wake up at the crack of dawn to sit in front of a desk and greet cats and dogs and their owners at a hospital. The latest I sleep in on my day off is usually before 10:00am.)

Eat smart.

Cold weather increases cravings for carbohydrates. Avoid the ups, downs and weight gain from fatty sugar foods by eating whole grains like oats or rice and nutritious fruits and veggies. Discipline yourself not to overeat, too. Avoid junk foods and environments that may encourage bingeing

(Ok. I'm game for this! Just that Thanksgiving going into Christmas and all the leftovers is not a great way to try that out. But this is something I can at least manage the easiest.)

Now all I need are healthy doses of peppy music and move to a state that has shorter winters... or figure out a way to make winter trips to Hawaii.

Creed (not to be confused with the band)

I believe that my talents are a gift from God and I am to use them to fulfill His purposes in my life and for His world.
I humbly acknowledge and accept my gifts and ask to receive God's vision for how I am to use them.
I ask the Holy Spirit to free me from self-doubt and self-absorption.
I pray this work will bring me into closer alignment with Jesus as I seek to use my gifts and talents for His glory and to becomethe whole and complete person He intends me to be.

*not written by me, but an echo from my own heart. The artwork, however, is my own creation.

Did I miss the expiration date on that?

Dear Dirt-

I'm not sure if I want to address my blogs as "dear..." anymore. It's fun. But I need to think of something more creative... Maybe "Dear terra firma..." Hmm. I'm also realizing that my blog is about as visually interesting as Wonderbread. Any other blogging friends that can help me out?

Anyway... the long overdue art rant is here! Cue the music. Let's go.

I "lost" my art studio back in December/January. By "lost" I really mean that, despite that deep grace I had shacking up my stuff in an older church building with other artists, I simply couldn't miss any more monthly payments with a good conscience. There were other issues going on, one was distance from my apartment and lack of an automobile, but money was probably the key reason I needed to pack up and shove everything into our small two-bedroom apartment. Oh... wait, a quarter of it is still in the Explorer. Losing a separate space was depressing for me, which spiraled darker due to other reasons, and I dreaded every trip I had to go in and collect stuff.

Now that Spring and Summer have come and almost gone, I'm just now mustering the creative spirits that be to make stuff again. Over the summer I've been working on piecing necklaces together... To my surprise I found a hobby that I really enjoy. AND I can make money while I do it! That's more than what most folks can say. Heck it's more than what most artists can say. It's meager, but we'll see where it goes. I'm just delighted by the unexpected blessing. But now I want to get back to my usual groove and do drawings and paintings.

So what do I do?

Blog about it.

Why? Well, even though I'm generating a few ideas, those ideas are grand. They involve what I was doing before - 6ft drawings. I can't do 6ft drawings.. in fact, with the furniture, I barely have a 6ft space. Okay so the hallway is pretty good, but it's too narrow for my paper.

You know what my problem is? All I see are obstacles. You'd think that after working in college ministry -- with art students no less -- for four years God would have taught me something about seeing possibilities, rather than obstacles. I guess I have a thick skull because I'm still stuck on obstacles. Once I was shown the gloriousness of larger-scaled drawings by an artist friend, I seem to be having a hard time going back. I need something to kick-start my brain so I can think small again. Going to museums doesn't help... all the art seems to be large and in charge, and anything smaller is way too intricate.

One of the things I'd been working on while trying to shove my creativity was cutting up old journals and finding new ways to use them in an art form. Shortly after I became a Christian, I've journaled retreats, sermons, talks, and whatever else "Christian" I attended. I probably have about 9 journals - not counting the ones I've had in the past year or so. All they do is sit around and take up space. I don't know who I'm kidding by thinking I'll go back and read them. ... Ok, I've done this on a few occasions, usually in the process of moving. But aside from that, I haven't taken the time to flip through old sermon notes and go "ahhh, yes, of course I remember that." Like several people out there, I have this compulsion that one day I will NEED these for something, sometime.

Maybe that time is now. I don't know.

Anyway, so I have these old journals. I've been thinking of cutting them up and reformatting them in a way that no longer makes them private ... obviously, because art is rarely meant to be fully private. But it's a totally different medium. Right now there's little drawing involved, if any. It's just cutting up some paper and trying to think of it in a sculptural way. As a few of my friends already know, I cringe at the idea of doing something sculptural. I had a professor in college that completely turned me off to the idea of being a sculptural artist. I hated that class because the professor made me feel like I would never amount to anything as an artist. She never said that, but her teaching style SCREAMED it. Thankfully, I never took a class with her again; unfortunately that also means that I haven't bridged into anything sculptural since. Also as a result, I view sculptural art with a very wary, almost suspecting eye. Like it's going to betray my sense of being an artist somehow; as if it's judging me. Seems crazy, but deep down I know it's true.

Approaching these old journals is profoundly confusing for me. I want to do something, but what? I feel dumb even trying to attempt something, like an apparition of my old professor is shaking her head like I don't have a clue what I'm doing (oh wait, I don't). Who knew a professor would make such a negative impact on my way of approaching art making?! I knew my math teacher in high school destroyed my sense of mathematics, but this?? How awful!

If you've got some artists that I can check out, and encouraging techniques or something I can learn, I would greatly appreciate it. Who can help a sister out?

Lovingly, and with frustration,

Yiv

Family Tree

Dear Earth,

It's hot.
It's really hot in our office room. So I'm going to keep this really short and to the point.
Because I'm sweating and that's gross. Although it was pointed out in church yesterday that if we didn't sweat, we would probably overheat and die. I suppose I can't complain too much.

Recently I've been floored by the Creator of All Things -- again -- at how he chooses to provide. I've been looking for a job for the past few months, and having a hard time finding something that I'm either remotely interested in, or qualify for, or one that isn't a volunteer (unpaid) job. Call me picky, but I'm trying to find something that is a little more long-term and works towards some semblance of a career. In the midst of my discouragement & anxiety, out of the sky falls a letter from one of my uncles.

Now, here's something that most people don't know about me unless it happens to come up in conversation. I don't know my extended family. I don't know any aunts or uncles except those I've been brought into when dad married my step-mom. So I've never really met any of my aunts or uncles or cousins or whatever.

So out of the sky falls this letter from an uncle of mine, with a sort of inheritance check enclosed with it, at least enough to get us by for the rest of the summer while I still look for a second job. While of course the money is amazing enough, the second most amazing thing is that this is from an UNCLE of mine. You know what that means? That means I can write him a letter back, and prayerfully I'll make some kind of connection with a RELATIVE of mine. I don't think I can really emphasize adequately enough how interested I am in asking questions and questions about this uncle of mine -- and about my mom. Some of the question marks of my family background can maybe get filled with answers.... perhaps some that aren't pleasant, perhaps others that are way amazing... but either way, I want to know about my family if I can. Not to make up for lost time or anything that can't be done, but just to hear the stories I never heard growing up.

And of course as I print the letter, my printer is out of black ink, and I must wait another day before I can mail the letter... which adds another day to when I will be eagerly checking my mailbox for a response. If I get one. A trip to Staples is in order ASAP.

OK. I need to get out of this chair before I get soaked in sweat. Ew.

Tree Hugging, 101

Dear Earth,

OK -- so I still have yet to deliver on that art blog entry that I said I would write at some point. I have had so many other thoughts zipping through my head, though, and quite frankly art hasn't exactly been my focus recently (a fact which I am sad about). I don't think making jewelry from scraps qualifies for an entry either, at least not yet.

That aside, here's a little introduction before I hike up my proverbial skirt and stand on a soap box. I name my blog "Full of Earth and Dirt," because it's a line from one of my favorite David Crowder Band songs, which you can read the lyrics here. "I am full of earth and dirt, and You" points towards the fact that I am a creature, and I have a Creator. I screw up and God never screws up. I've got all kinds of blemishes, but He is total purity -- but He still embraces me. But the phrase Full of Earth and Dirt means more: I have a responsibility to care about the things God created... people, animals, nature ... Simply because He made it.

I am not what you might consider an environmental activist; or perhaps an activist of any kind. That word, activist, has such a negative (read: political) cloud around it that I generally try to distance myself from using it as a way to identify myself. Don't let that fool you: I do care about things going on around me. Human trafficking (which includes the porn industry) and animal abuse are two examples. I also tend to get fired up about hypocritical and better-than-thou sorts of behavior. I think Fair Trade is a fantastic thing, and Ten Thousand Villages is one of my favorite places.

I remember a drawing that I made when I was a little girl that depicted animals stranded in a field of stumps while loggers cut down trees with chainsaws. Before I had turned 8, I also had subscriptions to Zoo Books and Ranger Rick, magazines featuring detailed but fun information about wildlife and the environment. That's where I first learned about endangered species, actually. Today I'm addicted to Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel. So I have a record for believing that taking care of the world around me is of great importance, though somehow in my adolescence and adulthood I lost sight of that. It wasn't until I started working at a privately owned eco-friendly store that I've begun to do more research on my own about "green" practices, products, foods, etc. and reading articles about what we're doing to the environment.

OK, I'm hiking up that skirt and stepping onto the soap box now.

The BP oil spill is, without a doubt, a massive disaster that will not only affect the environment and ecosystems, it affects the livelihoods of people too. BP seems to not care: clocking out at 5pm, checking out on beach clean-ups when the weather isn't perfect, and overall seemingly taking their time to get the mess sorted out. I'm pretty convinced that all BP cares about isn't so much what they are losing in the oil spill -- but what they will gain in the months to come when gas and oil prices are skyrocketing. Keep an eye on your local gas station prices and see if I'm right (I could be wrong after all). While Obama's charisma has gotten him pretty far, his response to the oil spill feels ... well, less than adequate. Is that wrong? Our system seems to be floundering with the Gulf of Mexico again, just like it did with Katrina. I don't expect Rome to be built in a day, but there are bad things going on here that really shouldn't be or shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But, to BP's credit, they are doing a better job than Chevron has been in the Amazon Rainforest. I recently learned that in Ecuador, Chevron (who bought Texaco) abandoned hundreds of oil-waste pits in the Amazon in the 90's and refuse to clean it up. The 60 Minutes video clip from 2009 sheds quite a bit of light on Chevron's stance, so I suggest following the link I provided. It points out that what happened in the Amazon would never happen in the U.S. -- and certainly wouldn't be a debated problem for 30 years. Though I think BP is dragging their feet, 50 some odd days is like a breath to 30 years. It's appalling. I really don't care about the legalities, why should it even matter what country your in when there are hundreds of oil pits contaminating water and soil in one of our most precious forests on the planet, destroying animals as well as communities of people?

It's like the palm plantations the United States has in Indonesia, Malaysia and Papua New Guinea's tropical forests. Basically, we're carving out acres of tropical forests so we can throw palm trees in for palm oil; and while the companies involved are rolling in the dough, native towns get pennies compared to the overall profit. And palm oil is in practically everything

And that's just the beginning of my lessons of "Tree Hugging, 101." Or perhaps I should say, "Living as a responsible human being and treating people, animals, and the environment with respect, 101." Or we could even say, "Loving God's created everything, 101."

Adventures in learning about what I eat:

This might seem like a tangent but I promise it's not. I get headaches, and quite frequently. We figured out that one problem is that I have a tendency towards iron deficiency anemia. I'm not a vegetarian -- contrary to several folks supposing I must be as an artist -- I just don't seem to get enough iron in my diet. I still get headaches though, usually accompanied by nausea, and my wonderful husband may have struck gold in suggesting that I have a sensitivity to MSG. OK ... so what foods have MSG? Much to my disdain, practically everything I like to eat has some form of MSG in it, and usually masked under a totally different name. Great. That's going to be fun to navigate and try to experiment with. This got us discussing how creepy it is that there are so many chemicals on a Food Label that we don't even know what they are. What exactly is "natural flavoring," anyway? (You'd be surprised!) Ironically enough, as we were discussing these things, a move called Food, Inc. showed up on our Netflix suggested movies, so we decided to watch it.

Can I tell you that I will probably never look at packaged chicken in quite the same way again? And no, it's not because they showed people slaughtering animals in some kind of graphic way. No, it's because only 5 major companies produce consumer meats (pork, chicken, beef). Five. That leaves for a TON of room for problems. Example: chicken farmers can spend over $500,000 on coops for chickens, which puts the farmer in massive debt when they start out. Companies like Tyson demand the chicken coops to be upgraded, costing more money. I use the term "upgraded" loosely, since the coops house hundreds of chickens and have no windows. You would think that the farmer would get a nice return to pay back their chicken coop debt, but you'd be wrong. They get less than $20,000 a year for their chickens.

Chickens, by the way, normally take 3 months to grow to full maturity. Corporation chickens are different. They only about half that time because their growth is accelerated... which means their organs and bones can't keep up with their size, so they can only take so many steps before they need to sit and rest. Kinda creepy, right?

If that wasn't messed up enough, if you speak out against the beef industry when ecoli runs amock and kills children, they turn around and sue you. Yes. They will sue you. They sued Oprah in the late 90's. Isn't that a violation of freedom of speech? I know that speaking out against the Government is generally frowned upon, but apparently speaking out against Beef is worse. This is ridiculous. Equally ridiculous is that Smithfield meat companies have actively recruited Mexican workers (read, they purposefully bring them to the US illegally to work in their factories) -- and when illegal immigration started being a "problem" they handed over the workers to the police to be deported. I'm sorry, why isn't Smithfield being held responsible for doing that in the first place??
What makes it even scarier is the fact that past government administrations have had major players from agriculture and meat industries also as major players in the FDA and USDA -- which means if they don't want to tell consumers they are eating something Cloned or Genetically Altered for example, they can get away with it. It also means companies like Monsanto can have a patent on a genetically altered soy bean, and blacklist farmers who save the beans or accidentally acquire them, and send what may as well be secret police to come get you.

....

I think I'm done standing on my soap box. But I assure you I might be back. I'm not even sure what to do with all of this information because the other thing that really pisses me off is that organic and local foods are expensive, while processed foods and all the foods coming from the underbelly corporations is a lot more affordable. When you're on a budget or hardly have much to spend on a month's worth of food, it's almost like you have no choice. If you want to eat you have to buy what you can afford... but then what I'm eating is either a) laced with mysterious chemicals or b) coming from a corporation that treats the environment/people/animals as totally expendable. What do you do when you're on a budget?

Any suggestions are helpful and encouraged.

If a woman's glory is her hair...

Dear Dirt,

I just spent 20 minutes in my local pharmacy staring at their (minimal) hair accessory collection. There were clips, hair ties, bobby pins, and various other things that I couldn't even begin to identify, let alone know how to use.All that staring was for naught: I walked out of the store empty handed.

Yes, rather than blogging about art as previously said in my last post, I am writing about hair. Don't worry, this won't take long.

I have long hair that reaches it's little split-end fingertips just beyond my shoulder blades at its longest. I recently took on the adventure of dying it a few shades darker brown, and thankfully I can say that it doesn't look freakish around my pale and -- thanks to summer -- freckled little face. You would think with locks like mine I would have something of an idea of how to style it. But you'd be way wrong. There are two styles that I even bother with:

1. Up in a ponytail, or bunched up in a claw-clip haphazardly.
2. Down and as free as a wild mare.

Part of this is due to the fact that I am just way too low-maintenance to get around to doing something with my hair. I don't know how you girls do it with putting hours into making your hair perfect. I just don't have that kind of patience every day. The other and more important reason is that I simply don't even know what to do with my hair. I can't even put my hair up in a proper bun that doesn't either fall apart every five minutes or look like a tribble died back there. I know how to braid, but not my own hair. I don't think my parents did much with my hair when I was a wee one, to no fault of their own. I certainly didn't learn anything when it was just me, Dad, and my brother about how to deal with girl's hair.

Perhaps if I had a curling iron, then I could experiment... or end up with blistered fingers. Who knows.

It's tempting to say, "Bah! I'll just chop it all off, and then I don't have to worry about it as much." Shorter hair may be easier to deal with, but I've been there. I had a little punk-wanna-be hair cut in college that I could spike out in the back that was a horrible decision for my weight at the time. I look back at photos, and only in retrospect do I realize the cut made my face look like a moon. I'd rather not revisit that. I like my long hair. If you've got any ideas or suggestions for what to do with my hair (or better yet, you can tell me how to put my hair in a proper bun), let me know.

However if I don't find a new way to mess with my hair or do otherwise cute things to it, I'm okay with that.

If you made it this far in reading this randomly pointless entry, thanks. Now, time to get to more important things like art-making, phone-calling, and job-searching.

Yiv

Pushing through some earth

Dear Earth & Dirt,

I'm deciding to continue beginning entries with "Dear suchandsuch." It makes me feel like I'm actually writing to someone and not just typing words to a largely anonymous and intangible audience.

It's been since January that I wrote a blog entry, as if Avatar was the last interesting thing that's happened in my life up until now. That's not entirely true. I realized in January (or was it February?) that I was struggling with seasonal depression, and I realized I had a lot of errors in my perspective of how, deep down, I think I should be treated by friends. A major shift in my life occurred more recently: I am leaving the ministry work I've known for four years and moving on to God knows what. I went on a personal retreat in the woods at a hermitage, and literally it was a single-person cabin in the woods with little interaction with others. Just me, God, and woodland creatures. It was a good time of reflection and reassessment of what was going on in my life.

So now I'm in a place of looking for and praying for a new career. It's hard to get one when you feel like you don't have much to stand on. Why do I say that? Welp, I went to school for art.

Yes. Art. Printmaking to be precise, but that's neither here nor there.
This is where you shake your head and say, "Way to go."

I realized the implications of gaining a degree in the creative arts. It's not the kind of career move that makes you financially stable unless you're Picasso - and he's dead. Then again, going into full-time ministry isn't exactly the kind of career move that makes you financially stable either. That's the kind of work that you pray hard in, eat lots of humble-pie, and ask God to provide for your needs while simultaneously working hard to invite folks to join your efforts. No easy task when the culture is steeped in the mentality that money comes when Team #1 works hard for it, and it's held in a vice grip unless they are otherwise convinced you are worthy of their donation.

OK. That's not exactly what my experience was like. That's an extreme example. However we do live in a culture that is pretty rooted in the phrase, "MY money." I have a problem with that phrase too. But ultimately money belongs to God (no, not in some massive bank in the sky).

Anyway.
Being an artist I think is just as difficult to be a missionary. As an artist who loves Jesus, I need to pray while I paint, eat lots of humble-pie because my art is not nearly as awesome as Makoto Fujimura, and I need to ask God to give me the fuel of inspiration and to provide for my family's needs. And dear God please help me find a paying job that is somehow related to art! Once again, no easy task, since there are lots of folks out there (sadly, many of them are Christians) who don't think that art is an important and valid activity outside the realm of decorative art or "hobbyist" art.

Even worse is my brothers and sisters that think that the only viable type of art for a Christian to make is if it is strictly obvious that it is about Jesus.

C'mon. I don't think even Jesus was that obvious about who He was in His day, unless people had open eyes and more importantly open hearts to Him. Here's an example in which the irony had to be pointed out to me. On the road to Emmaus, Jesus runs into two guys who don't at all recognize Him (probably thanks to some Divine now-you-see-me, now-you-don't phenomenon). He talks to them about everything that was said to happen to him, and then when they're about to part ways, He pretends to go on His way before they urgently invite Him over for dinner. The Son of God not only veils His identity, but He "acted as if He were going farther." If you don't believe me it's in Luke 24. Jesus totally fakes out His friends. Dude, if Jesus can hide His identity when He's standing right in front of someone to help bring out a greater point of understanding, why can't I make a piece of art that isn't obviously about Jesus?

That all aside... I'm looking for work in a city where work seems to be hard to find. But, nothing is impossible with God. While I'm searching and applying, I'm praying because I've got no other way to get a job. Remember the whole degree in art business? But, nothing is impossible with God. I'm saying that twice because I have to remember that; it's surprisingly easy to forget.

Wow, this entry went a completely different direction I thought it might. Maybe next time around I'll write about an art project I'm slowly working on that involves journals, and making a critique of online journals.

We'll see. It might go a totally different direction.

Covered in dirt,
Yiv

Oops...

Dear Blog,

My computer decided to not work in the coffee shop; I'm sorry I stood you up! And then I decided to dye my hair... which, I think I like. It's just been since I was 15 that I dyed my whole head a different color, and I'm actually pretty fond of my natural hair color. I just needed some change that felt more positive than all the other changes going on.

Oh, and in 20 minutes I'm going to a movie with my neighbor. I've known her since October. I was in her (re)wedding two weeks ago, first wedding I've ever been in, and it was a lot of fun. She's from Kenya and has been chased by hyenas -- literally.

I promise I'm not standing you up on purpose.

Love,
Yiv

Twirly-bugs

Dear Full of Earth & Dirt,

Wow, I am way overdue to write at least some kind of blog entry. My world isn't exploding with activity but I assure you my brain is. Let's make a date soon. Say.. tomorrow at one of the local coffee joints in between my wrongfully-lackadaisical search for a career.

Your loving, yet neglectful writer,
Yiv

P.S. I will warn you though. I may take up several paragraphs and go on tangents. We'll see what happens.

Avatar :: Zalyina

Scott and I recently went to go see the James Cameron movie, Avatar, in IMAX-3D. If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to curb reading until you see a series of ***'s or else I'll spoil some parts for you. Scroll down now if you'd rather skip it.

Visually speaking alone, the movie is striking and one of the more originally imaginative ones that I've seen in a long time. The plants, creatures, and the Navi themselves are simply stunning and a tremendous amount of detail was worked into everything. The fact that the Avatar Navi and the Navi are distinguished is one thing that really grabbed me. The Avatars are basically a splicing of some human DNA and a whole lot of Navi DNA -- and they have five fingers. The Navi, on the other hand, only have four fingers. Certain concepts are pretty original - at least, so far as I know: the way the Navi control their mounts (ground or in the air) by a braid-like connector? Genius. Just the concept of the Avatars themselves is fairly original -- at the very least, the use of an organic Avatar (as opposed to a robot or a mech and the like.)

Now, the actual storyline itself is not all that original. It's an easy storyline, and I don't fully blame Cameron for doing that -- afterall, most of the money was probably poured into the visual effects. That's why it doesn't look totally out of place when the live-action meets the digital action and the character/creature designs totally rock my socks off. But, I digress. The storyline is like several sci-fi movies: Earth for whatever reason is jacked up, so we're looking to other planets for either resources or a home (that's simplifying it). There are people out there that will take this movie and say Cameron is making a political statement about global warming and colonization -- but, the thing of it is, the trashing of our planet isn't a political issue. It doesn't need to be, just as much as abortion and other hot-button topics don't need to be political issues. The humans don't have any more resources, so some of them (the more military and money driven ones) are out to get resources from Pandora. The 'natives' are stubborn and in the way, so they need to be erradicated if they can't be negotiated with.... sounds like the colonization of the Americas right? But I don't know if Cameron was out to make a critique about that completely... even though the erradication of the Native Americans (both North and South america) is a pretty awful blemish in our history. As I take it, it's more of a critique about HUMANS. All of humanity, no matter where we come from, takes from God's good creation and its creatures without giving much back. I think the attitude is what makes a difference: that of "this is or will be mine so I can use it however I want" and that of "this is a gift, and I need to be thankful for it."

Unfortunately, a lot of Western thought floats around the former. We take advantage of a lot without so much a thought to it being a gift and it being grace that we have anything at all -- particularly if it's of the natural world.

Pandora is a utopian world in which the Navi, the animals, and the plants are all connected... not just in a spiritual way but in a biochemical, biological, bio-electrical sort of way. The Navi are almost quite literally one with the natural world around them. This of course sounds familiar to a lot of native people's way of interacting with the natural world. But again, humanity has its faults. The Navi don't have the appearance of the many faults found in Western lifestyles throughout the centuries. Then again we also don't know how different Navi clans interact with other Navi clans -- it's just suggested that they are not otherwise united.


********************************************************

But, on to a different point of thought. The very title and nature of the movie is very interesting to me... Avatars.

Avatar. n. 1. an embodiment or personification, as of a principle, attitude, or view of life. 2. Computers. a graphical image that represents a person, as on the Internet. (i.e. An image representing a user in a multi-user virtual reality space.)

Early on in the movie you learn that the main character, Jake Sully, is going into the Avatar program in place of his twin brother. You also quickly learn (even just from the previews) is that Jake is in a wheelchair and cannot use his legs. There's a medical procedure through this future military's benefits that would make it possible for him to get his legs back -- but costs way more than what Jake can afford. So to be able to connect to and to use an Avatar that can walk, run, and leap through the forests of Pandora? Beyond Jake's wildest dreams I'm sure! Pandora itself is probably more than anyone could dream and would love for it to exist. Even walking out from the movie and into a dreary gray parkinglot after the movie made me wish Pandora actually existed.

Isn't this something a lot of us desire? A world in which everything is hormonized -- the people, the plants, the animals -- and is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams? Or, if nothing else, don't we desire a world that is better? And bodies that aren't ailing and the evils of humanity aren't destroying everything that is good?

Hundreds - perhaps even thousands - of people escape the world via avatars on the internet. Creating personas that are everything we want to be, and putting aside everything we are not. I can be male, female, or both or neither on the internet. I can look however I want to look, and be whatever I want to be. Or. .. I can be who I think I am on the inside online that I can't be in the real world or I'm just not in the real world.

I'm all too familiar with these desires, and all too familiar with being someone/something online that I can't be in the real world.

Throughout high school (about 10 years ago), I was not Yvonne on the internet. No, the name I wanted to be called was Zalyina. Zalyina was my avatar -- everything I wanted to be and wasn't in the real world. Zalyina was a dragon - from a world untarnished by the faults of humanity, and where living things harmonized with each other and with nature. Humans as a whole were a blemish, and only a few really had any connection to the natural world around them. Now, you might laugh or quirk your eyebrow and think I'm crazy. But I actually believed that, on the inside and in a past life (or two past lives as was the case) I was a dragon. It was a curse to be human because humans never treated each other "humanely" -- as ironic as that sounds.

I'm also a person that has suffered much in the hands or words of others when I was a child. Humanity as I knew it wasn't safe. Who could I trust in a world where people always hurt each other? Was I the only one that saw that the way things were, weren't the way things were supposed to be? The internet was my solace and my avatar my escape. I had been friends with other people (or rather, their own avatars) online, and they weren't just friends but I'd considered many family. It was my safe place to go when things simply didn't make sense. These people didn't want to hurt me -- for, as far as I know, they all suffered much in the hands of others as well. This digital world and their avatars were (and for some, still is) their safe place, where they can be who they think they are and escape the realities of a war-torn world. Hundreds of people find their solace in an avatar that is anything but human, prefering creatures that are otherwise much more in tune with nature -- dragons, foxes, wolves, rabbits, gryphons, hybrid creatures, felines, birds, predatory birds, and so on. Creatures seem to only kill out of necessity, so they appear to be our betters.

Things are not the way they were meant to be. I don't mean that as a religious platitude but as a truth. Do you not feel it in the marrow of your bones? Children are starving and dying, while others are living in luxurious mansions with lavish food every meal of the day. Corporate business people turn deaf ears to homeless and poor. Drugs and alcohol are used to dull pain and suffering, turning into addictions that one cannot live without. Some people can't see past the pigment of another person's skin, and calls them devils. War rages. If it all were some evolutionary process of a world gone to hell, why would anyone care? Things are not the way it was meant to be.

If God created the world according to Judeo-Christian belief, it was a world without death and sorrow. Humanity was to be harmonized. These terrible things didn't even get introduced into the picture until God's enemy - the devil - took the embodiment of a serpent and the humans listened to him rather than their Creator. It wasn't supposed to be this way - but, then free will got in the way and here we are today. We take advantage of each other and we take advantage of the creation. But one day, when God's son makes everything whole again, death will be no more and tears will not be shed. Till then, I'll do what I can to be thankful for everything around me... and pray others find their solace and safety in God.

Good morning

It's been forever since I last wrote anything. I tend to think of several things to think about all at once and then they fizzle away out of laziness, which is part of the reason this little ol' blog hasn't been updated in months. Other reasons include busyness.

Let's see, let's see... Well the summer has of course come and gone; we've been married a year since May (HOORAY!); we've seen God provide 0in amazing and very unexpected ways; and now we live in a new apartment with two kitties. Yes, our family unit has gone from the two of us with two turtles, and two kitties in a two bedroom apartment. Pictures will follow at some point!

I just woke up about 40 minutes ago. As I was getting up to feed the kitties (Autumn and Tobias, by the way), there's a knock on the door. I hesitated to answer. Backing it up a bit, there's an older woman -- I don't know how old -- that lives on the third floor, who shortly after we moved in came by a few times asking for sugar and milk for her coffee. I didn't mind obliging, til she came early in the morning while we were still in bed a few times and we didn't answer the door. This morning she was asking for $5 for cigarettes. I don't normally carry cash, so I apologized and explained I didn't have cash (thinking about it now as I'm typing I might actually have a few bucks....). I find this to be a difficult situation, because we want to be loving and helpful, but there is a reservation we have going on with giving things out. I know, doesn't sound very Christ-like. The reservation part, that is; especially because Tanya is an old woman. I guess we're just not sure what to do, and maybe the point is to not to really think about it but to just be loving.

Making a difference

So I realize that it's been quite a while since I posted anything in my blog. A lot has been happening, from our first year anniversary to thinking about buying a house (we still have tons of questions and haven't even started), to being very irritated by our mouse "friend" in our apartment. Those are all very recent. However, I think I'll start with something else.

Almost a year ago, my husband and I went to a small community festival that his band (he wasn’t a member yet at the time) was playing at. A gal named Kali made a presentation for a project she was getting started called Operation Net – a project design to raise money over the course of a year to purchase 1000 mosquito nets for men, women, and children in Uganda to prevent the spread of malaria.

Malaria is spread through mosquitoes, and affects about 500 million people a year – 1 million of which die. Mosquito nets only cost $9.50, but this is a near impossible thing for a Ugandan family to buy, since most live on less than $1.00 a day. I’ve been keeping track of Kali’s updates since I heard about it, and recently she completed her goal and God provided even more: Kali was able to collect $11,900 or enough for 1,260 nets. The most extraordinary thing that I think there is to her story is that she is 18 years old – highlighting the fact that people can make a difference at any age. I decided to ask her some questions about how Operation Net got started after she went on a trip to Uganda in May 2008.



Y: What did you do there, and how old were when you went to Uganda?

Kali: For one week we were in a smaller village called Luwero. Every morning we would have conferences for the people of the church and I gave lessons to the ladies. Then we would eat lunch (which we provided for everyone) and had an afternoon session, with lots of singing and dancing. We then would go hut to hut praying for the elderly, sick and orphans. We visited many people and heard about their situations. The second week we were in the capital, Kampala and did the same thing there but at a different church. We also spent a lot of time going hut to hut and meeting new people and helping them out. I was 17 when I went, and just turned 18.

Y: How did you first think of Operation Net? (I.e. was it a class or something else)

Kali: Upon returning home from Uganda I knew I had to do something to help the people suffering there. I felt God pulling at my heartstrings to do something. At first I wasn't sure what to do but I got the idea after talking to some of my new Ugandans friends about malaria..and how it was effecting their lives. My friend Ivan's mom was sick with malaria and because of it he couldn't afford to go to school. Little stories like that made me choose to focus on malaria in my project. I created Operation Net shortly after and created the details of it as I went.

Y: What happened to your friend's mom, who had malaria? How old was Ivan when you met him?

Kali: Ivan is my age. His mother is sick on and off (which is how malaria works) It just hits you and when it hits you are down for usually a couple of weeks. So it is when she is sick that he cannot go to school. They have received nets so they are doing better.

Y: What was your process and planning like a year ago when you first had the idea?

Kali: First off I had to educated myself more about malaria and what can be done to prevent it. I then researched the cost of nets. Eventaully worked it out with the Bob-Gad, who planned our trip, that he would buy the nets in Uganda (to help their economy) and distribute them. I also had to set up an account with the bank and get all of the legal stuff out of the way. I then began to set goals (always set them very high). Once I had the that figured out I made posters, a website, business cards, and started spreading the word. I then also began speaking at venues about it and started receiving donations. As Operation Net flourished I added on the letter to Congress, t-shirt fundraiser, smencil fundraiser, and began contacting newspapers about it.

Y: Were there people who were skeptical?

Kali: There were people skeptical of my trip to Uganda and as I expected Operation Net. I had some people tell me I was wasting my time, that I would never reach my goal of 1000 nets, and that I should help people here rather than in Africa. Some of them were very nasty about it..but the best way to handle it was to be polite, answer their questions, and try to get them to understand the need in Africa. At times I was discouraged by it..but at the end of the day I had way more people supporting me than not so it was okay.

Y: Who were the people that supported it from the beginning? How did they encourage you?

Kali: God was my main source of encouragement. He gave me the idea, made it happen, and changed lives. My parents and my family supported me right off the back. They kind of already knew that when I was passionate about something I did it..And did it for real. So they were there for me the whole time and were a huge help. I also had a group of close friends, called Team Net, who helped me out and were excited about it. My church also was very supportive, as well as a group of family friends.
They encouraged me by prayer, kind words, and getting involved. A lot of them donated money right away which told me they believed in the project and cared. Others spread the word about it and helped me reach more people with my message. Most of all they were simply there for me when others said I was wasting my time. They believed in me and took time to learn about it.

Y: What are your next steps from here?

Kali: From here I will still be involved with Operation Net..but more on the side line rather head. I have handed the leadership over to a friend in NC since I will be going to college in the fall. I will be attending Eastern University to major in economic development and minor in communications. I hope to study abroad in Uganda and eventually work for an organization that does development work there. I know I will return to Africa..and Uganda. I am going to work hard and learn more so I can better help those in need in the future.

Y: What sort of advice - as a young person - would you give to other young people who want to help with global issues but feel overwhelmed by how many issues face the world?

Kali: I myself often feel overwhelmed with the world and its problems. Coming home from Uganda..and still now I lay awake at night upset with the amount of people suffering. I break this feeling by telling myself I am one person with one life, and even though I am just one person I can make a difference. You have to tell yourself that even if you just help one person or save one life it is worth it. No contribution is too small. It only takes one person to make a difference. It doesn't matter how young you are...you can change a life. See the big picture but realize you cannot save everyone. You cannot change every issue. You are one person. But then focus on something you are passionate about and do something about it. Aim high and dream big. Take every high and every low and learn from it. Use your life to make a difference. Get others involved. Yes, you are only one person but you can make a big difference.





"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito." - African Proverb

Crocodiles | longing for spring

Sitting and checking my usual TV stations (FoodNetwork, Animal Planet, and Discovery Channel), I parked myself on the Discovery Channel as I discovered a new series called, Tattoo Hunter. Being a fan of tattoos and wanting to learn more about their various histories, I was intrigued. The host, tattoo anthropologist (who knew there was such a thing??) Lars Krutak, was going to a people in Papua New Guinea called the Kaningara. He was intrigued by the Kaningara because of their very secretive and spiritual scarification ritual that was also a rite of passage for boys to become men. They believe in a crocodile spirit, called Nashut, and that if the men scar themselves in a way that is representative of a crocodile they will inherit some of his power. Over 1000 little cuts are put into the flesh of the men on their backs, chests, and bellies-- the chest being the head of the crocodile with the nipples as the eyes and the bellybutton being the nose.

Though the scarification was the only thing discussed in the episode, this article is Krutak's assessment of his visit and of the Kaningara and reveals more about their worship of the crocodile and their male-centered culture. Without retelling the entire article, it is very interesting the different ways that the men separate themselves from anything and everything feminine, even having the notion that it is the males who give life, and not the females. More than that, of course there is a spiritual side to the entire ritual of the crocodile scarification in which only males are to participate. Their "spirit house" is forbidden to women; if any should enter, they would be killed-- reserving spiritual practicies and spirituality for men and men only. It would be interesting to learn more about the social structure of the Kaningara, particularly of what part the women play besides birth (and even that is, in a way, stripped of them). Krutak is sure to note that modernity is changing much about the spiritual traditions -- or at the very least, the skin-cutting -- of the Kaningara, but I wonder how much of it still leaks into their social structure.

I can't help but think of Old Testament passages that forbid cutting of one's skin, or tattoos. While there are Christians who believe that tattoos are "of the devil," I would to a point disagree... being biased, having three tattoos myself and looking for more eventually. But there are also Christians such as myself who would agree that the forbidance was in the context of what pagan cultures were doing around them and why they were getting the tattoos. The Kaningara are a reminder of that: while also a rite of passage, the whole ordeal was/is also thought to cause the man to inherit some of Nashut's power. The underlying reason was basically in worship of something not God, like the pagans from Biblical middle-eastern times (and boy would I love to learn more about those practices to be more informed!).

I also can't help but think of other passages, like in Romans where Paul writes, "...they [humans] became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." The Kaningara are or were certainly spiritual and religious and have a profound connectedness to what they believe ... probably even more than some Christians I've known. They are certainly more connected to the spiritual world than any American would be, and it's that kind of depth that's respectable. I might not agree with it and it's contradictory to Christianity, but that doesn't mean I can't respect it. What's harder to respect is the spiritual ambivelance of "there may be a god of some kind out there but I don't think it matters" because there's no commitment to it; no passion, no solid stance besides "it doesn't matter to me or affect my life."

*

Winter makes me thoughtful, and while normally I'm able to vent those thoughts somewhere I've been so caught up in busy-ness that it's all been trapped in my head. Before you know it, the thought fizzles out like a smouldering matchstick and all that's left is the smokey haze. Winter makes me thoughtful because, in Philadelphia, it's miserable: seemingly constant gray overcast skies, gray sidewalks, gray buildings, brown-gray mockeries of trees, dead leaves, and cold air. The relief comes when there's not an overcast day and blue sky breaks up all the gray... which usually has it's bitter winds, but at least there's the hopeful blue sky that reminds me it'll pass. It's hard to be motivated when everything around you is gray, though, even when busy-ness prevades my life! Maybe I try to keep busy so that I don't notice the gray as much- which would explain so many things.

I just want spring to come. There's such a loud longing for it that anytime there's a hint of warm weather I get a little giddy on the inside. There have been a few on-and-off warm days (like today) that I've felt so much better about everything. They're little rays of relief that God gives me to let me know that there's something else around the bend in this season. Life overall has been good I'm just tired of contemplating and thinking and planning and pouring out. I think this coming week will give me many opportunities to recieve art (go to galleries) and put a little bit of rest and fun back into the bucket. Here's hoping for some actual Sabbath! Here's hoping for continued warmer weather-- green leaves and color couldn't come soon enough. There's something utterly refreshing about seeing a tree full of leaves and green grass and colorful flowers. I can't wait for it to get here.

I stumbled upon a Japanese woodblock website and found these beautiful images and I wanted to share. I'd really like to look at these more!

There's so much to be said

You know, there's a sense of futility in saying "One day I'll write all the things I want to say, one day I'll get you to speed with what's going on in life." There's simply just too much! Thoughts on Obama's policies so far, thoughts on finances, job skills, family, and so on. I'm looking forward to some time soon when I can just open up the vent a little.

One perk lately, though, is that I was published in PRISM again; I worked on some more illustrations for a few articles! The image here is on the cover, which was particularly exciting, though also a very frustrating layout. I'm more into verticals than I am horizontals, so it was a challenge. I still don't think it was completely successful, but the editor seemed to like it well enough.

There's also two images inside the article, but I only have a link for one of them: here (PDF)
The other articles are also fantastic, and you should give them a read if you can.


Also, messing around with a number of other things... Got into two galleries recently: one at White Stone Gallery in Manayunk, and the other is the Heitmann Atelier & Gallery in Lacnaster. These are the first shows I've really been in since college so I'm really excited! It's definitely but a fire in my gut about doing more art and being intentional about going after galleries. It's going to be tough because I'll need to get stuff framed, and I have to do my on-foot research for galleries but I really want to start working on this part of my life more than I have in the past few years. Here are some things I'm working on..


Unsure of where to go with this, and even more unsure about the red I added.













This spins off of another idea that I had and trying to figure out how to visually represent if Mary had told the angel no. Generally, I like this. I wonder if I should leave it as is, or work more at it.








There are also many other ideas that I have yet to put onto paper in some format or another. I'm hoping I can do that soon- if all goes well, and by the grace of God, that will happen tomorrow when I go to the studio! But, in the meantime I must also focus my attention on CCO's annual conference, Jubilee since I'll be taking a crew up there with me. That's this weekend. I'm excited about it, as well as stressed, but more anticipating what God will have to say to each of the students that will be coming with me.... and myself. The conference revolves around the idea that every square inch of what exists in the world can be claimed by Christ, whether it's in the "secular" world or the "sacred" world. It's a place where students can learn more about how Sunday connects to the rest of the week, and how their faith connects to the rest of their lives.

It's a pretty great time of learning, stretching, growing... and meeting new people too!

So after the busy-ness of this weekend, I'm hoping to be more productive creatively. We'll see what crops up.