Bucket List

It's been a while since I really even looked at my "Bucket List of things to do before I turn 30." So I figured I would quickly take a look at what I've done, and what I'd like to edit on my list.

1. Live in a place with free laundry

2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle.

3. Have an art studio again

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - this one I can't say I've completed, but I have started going to the gym, and have taken yoga classes, and I have gone to one Women & Weights class (next one is this weekend!)

6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge I realize that doing a food challenge totally contradicts my #19, having a healthier diet, and I only thought of it at the time because I was obsessively watching Man vs. Food. That guy ain't messing around; a food challenge would kill me. Instead, I'd rather: Cook for others, and with others, more.

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term I have to question if I even have time/energy to do this. Maybe it should be simply: Volunteer.

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical. - I am failing miserably at this.

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper. Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - I've seen my brother twice since creating this list, which is more than I've seen him in the course of a few months than before writing this list. I'm hoping to keep the momentum somehow.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill??

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

Surely We Can Change


And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit

And I don’t knowWhat to do with a love like thatAnd I don’t knowHow to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change

-- David Crowder

Breathe... 1, 2, 3. The road is about to get very bumpy.

Sluggish Thoughts

I've probably complained about it being really hot in Philadelphia during the summer more times than I can actually count. So I'll refrain, and simply say that it's hot and it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Humidity saps my energy and strength almost as quickly as Kryptonite saps Superman's.

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of the day I married the love of my life, lost my virginity later that day (woohoo!), and started on the amazing journey of the rest of our lives. We're goofy and have fun with one another. We don't really do "romantic" outings, because not only is the iconic idea of romance expensive, it is also very awkward and not our style. I'd rather go eat the most amazing barbeque in the city than at a five-star restaurant that requires formal attire. Those places just feel rigid and unnatural to me. They kind of freak me out. Anyway. Three years later, it's still just the beginning, and there is much adventure and obstacles on the road ahead of us. Much has happened in three years, and so much more is to come. It is slightly frightening, but even more exciting.

Sometimes I reflect on my wedding day and think about all the "oh, I wish we did that," after attending the ceremonies of several friends. In retrospect, I feel like things could have been done differently. Really, I didn't know what the hell I was doing putting a wedding together more-or-less on my own. I did not put together an amazing party for my friends and family. But I have to stop that on-coming train wreck of thought, and realize that it doesn't matter. All the money, flowers, professional photographers, and hip, out-of-the-box ideas in the world could not replace the words and vows shared between my husband and I. That is all a lovestruck girl really wanted: an upstanding man to look me in the eye and pledge his unwavering love and commitment, and to do the same back.

I have a problem with comparing my life to other friends who are married, which always leads to a bad place. I look and see friends who already have a house, a dog (which is undeniably more responsibility than two cats), a kid (or two), and have an envious cloud come up before my eyes. I want a house with A/C, with a washer and dyer, and a dishwasher. I want a yard in which I can grow herbs and tomatoes and peppers. I want to start a family that is beyond my wonderful cats. I want a second car so I can go where I want, when I want. I suddenly become more and more dissatisfied with where I live, how I live, and the way I got married. Envy -- our more perhaps Biblically, covetousness -- is a nasty thing that rises up in you and makes you think that everything you have sucks, and that everything everyone else has is gloriously amazing. And then I start to think that oh, if only we had more money, it would fix everything, because I see money as the enemy and that is the only reason why I do not have the things that I want.

No. It would not. Money would not suddenly become my friend and fix everything that I perceive as being wrong in my life. It might help things out a little, but it would not fix anything. Namely, it would not fix my heart nor my attitude.

I am very blessed to be married to a man that loves me, who does not turn his gaze to pornography when he wants to escape, who does not hurt me or lord over me. I am very blessed to live in a nice apartment. I am very blessed, even, to have two kitties who make me laugh and satisfy my love of furry creatures. I may even be blessed to not have had children yet - which is harder to admit, but in many ways I know we are not ready to have a baby be it psychologically, or even financially. It is pretty awesome that I can get fresh fruit and veggies at all from Whole Foods or even better, from one of the many local outdoor markets in Philadelphia. What I need to learn is some patience, and with patience, praying that the Lord would make a way for these things to happen sometime, and that we would both focus on enjoying Him first, and being thankful for what we have now. Wanting some of those things isn't bad per se (like wanting a family), but throwing a mental tantrum over it is probably not the best thing to do.

Besides. It isn't the material things that make life satisfying. Anyone who follows the farcical lives of celebrities will know that they are some of the most unsatisfied, unhappy people in the world. I don't want that. I want to be satisfied in knowing that I have a God who loves me and cares for me, and will get me through all the hardships the world can throw at me through Christ. I'm still working on that, clearly, and I don't always understand what that means. But it is helpful to have a husband around who is trying to do the same thing, and that we can encourage one another in faith. And that is probably the biggest "material" blessing I can have, through thick and thin.

So here's to three years of marriage, and ten times as many to come.

Hey, here's one way you can help an artist...

Buy stuff; cheap! I've decided to go through some old artwork from college and put a bunch of it up in my Etsy shop in order to get it out of my apartment... I'm too much of a sentimentalist to throw some of this stuff out, since I'd put so much work into these things. There are a few current items, but they're mostly drafts of some kind that pass as pieces on their own.

I've marked down the prices from what I would have wanted to sell them for when I originally made them, since they've just been living a lonely life in storage. Art doesn't do anyone any good if it's not out in the open somewhere.

Anyway, I hope you or someone you know would like to purchase something! I am also considering taking some illustrations out of my sketchbooks from High School. But that's more for making a little extra cash.

Etsy yivviepants

Etsy Throw-together

I haven't posted in quite a while, since a lot has been going on but at the same time not much has been happening. Rather than post something of intellectual interest, I randomly decided that I was going to re-visit throwing together an outfit through the help of Etsy.... and by outfit, I really mean that I asked myself,

"Self, what kind of outfit or costume would you throw together utilizing Etsy?"

Well of course I would LOVE to put together a steampunk costume.

I'm not IN the steampunk scene so much as I admire it from afar and gobble up steampunk costumes and style. I love the idea of it, and if I could actually afford to go gallivanting around at a random convention as my own steampunk character I probably would. But to make it look right, you have to throw out quite a lot of cash. This particular outfit altogether would be nearly $1,500. There are much simpler ways to do it of course that aren't as extravagant. However, although I have a small love for looking at photos of home-made costumes for conventions -- Comicon and Otakon come to mind in particular -- I know that home-made can sometimes go horribly awry.

But, without further ado, here's the costume.

First of all, you have to have a nice coat as a basic piece of attire. It can get cold or rainy, and I for one don't want to be unprepared.

I struggle with finding shoes for myself NOW... but as for a costume, it's easy. It's even easier when I don't have to actually wear these.. Note, the etsy link is actually just for the "spat" - the accessory that is covering the shoes. Let's pretend the shoes come with it.

Every steampunk gal has to have a corset. It's like a rule or something.

Finding a blouse that would at all be appropriate for this kind of thing was difficult. Since it's steampunk, I went with something a little more modern, that would probably look better tucked in than to be out.




















Breeches with a bustle. For some reason, I think that's awesome. No worry of a skirt, but still feminine.

I think steampunk jewelry can be the most interesting costume jewelry out there, since it's got a little bit of mechanical raw-ness, and if done right, still looks elegant. And, you can throw in non-steampunk specific jewelry with it and it looks totally fine. It's a mishmash of two different worlds, afterall.

And just for fun... a Plague Mask. I would lean more towards goggles, but goggles seem to be overdone, and finding some that aren't cyberpunk on Etsy is more difficult than I anticipated. Plus, Plague Masks are just interesting to me. Not sure if it could actually be pulled off with this outfit, but I'd try.

Time to go to bed.

Hopes and Words

HOPES

I've been very contemplative today. I've been coming back to a line from a spoken word piece by Listener, called "Wooden Heart." Well, really I've been thinking about the entire "song" all morning since I think it reflects some of what I've been feeling and have felt across the board. The first time I heard it was live, in person. It was impacting in a way that I'd forgotten till the video came up on Facebook (of all things).

My hopes are weapons that I'm still learning how to use right.

My hopes are weapons. If my hopes are weapons, regardless that I'm still learning how to use them right - shoot. I have to ask, What are my hopes? Where do I put my hope? I'm the type that's prone to get depressed and have bouts of despair when things are tossed into confusion. But lately I've wanted to kick and curse and fight, and downright refuse to despair in light of events we weren't expecting. I don't know what direction our lives are going to take now, but I do know that I live with the belief that there's a God who not only cares in my distress, but is present and will provide. I've known that all along, even in my despair - but something is different now. I'm tired of curling up in a ball as a response to circumstances that are, in all honesty, outside of my control. I'm even shaking my fist at the winter weather and refusing to let a bleak season drag me down -- though sunnier days certain help me feel less oppressed.


WORDS

On a similar but also very different note, I stumbled across a poem I'd written and had completely forgotten about. I used to write poetry with some frequency, but since moving to the city and being a busy girl and otherwise preoccupied, I haven't written anything in several years. Perhaps this is a key to outletting some of my creativity, since creating massive pieces of artwork is not entirely possible at the moment. Anyway, I thought I'd share the poem. It was written in 2006, and I believe it may have been one of last poems I've written. It is titled Logos, as in the Greek word. I recommend checking it out in the dictionary if you're not sure what the word means. I was a fan of writing with uber imagery, like the kind that is bursting at the seams. You'll see what I mean.

What are words, but that which gives ephemeral form
to thoughts and pictures,
or syllables weaved together to create a new sound?
And from whence does it come?
A box that cannot contain that which it produces:
foreign creatures with wings,
anxious to break free and be taken away by the wind,
left to ride the backs of thunderheads
This is the immersion of voice, buried deep yet exposed,
raised letter by letter like the resurrection of saints
and falling as a holy waterfall

Yet so much more are the strokes of a pen
that grace the surface of a sleek white virgin page,
truly allowing it to breathe some new thing
Word given form, shape and purpose
bringing to potential paper and ink, united as a bride to a groom
The result leaves humanity colliding with divinity,
drawn in by a shepherd's hook that brings the cold close
and holds her in a warm embrace

What are these words that fall off the tongues of cherubim,
cresting the edge of the world like satin white horses?
The lungs of man will be filled with poignant pictures,
and trifold 'holies'
The pen will make his mark on internal walls,
saturated with the sound of glory

These new things, these shapes and figures-
whence do they come?
Not from the depths of the sea, nor bellows of the earth
is it heard or seen or smelt or tasted
A voice of such words that are foreign,
yet inviting the Dark to be pierced by Light
and speaking in a beautiful spectrum that is hidden by angels
The syllables are deep and brought to the surface,
the infrastructure of the world cradled in the palm of one word
and blazing into unseen cardiac highways

Here we go.

Several of the items on my list are actual tangible things I am able to do and cross off. Other things are less tangible, and require quite a bit more than "just doing it" and need some larger change in my life. Either way, this is my list! Or at least, this is my list right now because I hate making lists and trying to think of things I've never done or would like to do.

1. Live in a place with free laundry
2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed
3. Have an art studio again
4. Seriously pursue having kids
5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine
6. Take a self-defense class
7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again
8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy
9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)
10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper.

25. Visit my brother more.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden.

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

I'm addicted to Etsy and Ice Cream

Etsy.com is a website dedicated to artisans and would-be crafters all over the globe who want to sell their wares and (usually) hand made goods. Some are amazing and jaw-dropping, others are closer to what you would find in your local flea market.

I love Etsy, enough to draw a heart around it on a piece of paper (but not on a tree. I don't love it that much.) I have spent countless hours perusing Etsy, not only in my boredom, but also in my constant search for materials to make my own necklaces because I can usually find some unique supplies there. I enjoy looking at the things I wish I could put in my home, or wear. I've more recently questioned, "Where was Etsy when I got married?!?" Oh, sure, Etsy was there and in existence. I just didn't really know what wonders were in store until much later. C'est la vie. But in this questioning of what-could-have-been, and because I spend so much time on Etsy anyway I am deciding to throw together Etsy outfits just for the heck of it. I was a tom-boy girl, and I suppose you could say this is a good opportunity to exercise the stereotypical feminine talent of putting together a good looking outfit without spending money or doing leg work.

TA-DA:














































I've linked each photo with the item as it's being sold on Etsy -- unfortuantely the cute little bird purse has already been sold ages ago, and there aren't any duplicates in the store. But, it's still nice to look at at least.


I know I still owe this blog a finished 30 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I'M 30 list, but I don't have one yet. It may show up here some time later today though, as it is cold outside, icy, and I don't have anywhere to really *go* until later on this evening. We'll see. I also need to take care of chores and possibly working on or even delivering some necklaces. Hmm.

Twenty-Seven

Today it's my birthday. It's snowing, it's Saturday, and later I am having sushi. Score.

Since the last post, I got my hair cut. While that was happening - and maybe it was the lighting - I was reminded of how dreadfully pale I am, especially in the winter. I'm hoping it was the lighting, although I am aware of my inability to tan at all. I looked like a ghost compared to my stylist, whose melanin is more ample with ruddy undertones than mine. At least my freckles don't betray me in the summer. But, really, that has nothing to do with my hair. For my hair, I now have bangs. See?

I've pretty much parted my hair the same way all of my life -- or at least as long as I've been able to "style" my own hair. At 27, I decided to switch things up and tell my stylist to have at it and be inspired. (I am certain that most stylists do not want a client to say that. Ever.) She asked if I wanted to keep the part in my hair the way it has been, and I said, "I want to part it either way now, I want something different; so whatever would look best." Viola: Bangs. It's a big difference for me and that's what I wanted. It feels strange looking in the mirror, so I'm still getting used to it. But I like it. Just thought I'd share.

Also, I've managed to work on some artwork that has been sitting, waiting for me, over the past few months. Although I am not totally satisfied with how things are going so far, these are merely works-in-progress. So I've still got time to change things up a bit. The first is a little bit of a mess at the moment, and still in the early stages of development.. which works out fine, since I'm still trying to refine this particular painting style I'm going for. I've also got to tweak the composition a little, either through re-painting areas or through color. We'll see. It'll be a while before the final piece comes to fruition (yay oils!).

As for the second piece, it is a pretty far cry from the type of work I've been doing over the past few years. For one, it's mostly blue, rather than yellow ochre. Secondly, and equally as obvious, is that there's a whale. If you know me, you could safely say that birds have been my animal-symbol of choice for a while. I put them everywhere. But whales? Whales have been bubbling up in my head for a little while now, and it's just been a matter of time for me to figure out how to portray them the way I want. This piece is only the beginning.

What I'm iffy on about this drawing, though, are the lines swirling around the whale. The idea is pulled from ocean current maps. Visually, it needs more work. Not sure what to do with it yet either, or how to refine what I've got. I'm using pastel pencils, and I think that if I were using paint or making an etching or even collagraph, I would have a much better idea where to go from here. On the other hand I think it's good for me to challenge myself with a different sort of medium.

Almost time to go have sushi. Since my girl kitty Autumn is wandering the apartment talking, I should probably go play with her a little bit before I leave. Perhaps tomorrow I'll work on the rest of that Bucket List from the last post, although one of two things could happen after I get home from church, that would distract me from such a thing as blogging: Dragon Age (my husband suggest I try getting an RP game for the Xbox so I would have a video game to play on my own; I should have declined since I know how easily I get sucked into those types of games. Final Fantasy Playstation games, anyone?); or hopefully working on necklaces to sell.

Hey there, 2011...

Sitting on my new couch, enjoying the new layout of our living room (the feng shui is way better than it was before), and avoiding the office -- which is piled with music equipment, due to an unfortunate incident in which my husband was removed from the band he was in -- I figured it was high time to mess around with my blog on my day off. I'm also waiting to go get my hair cut, and it was either write a blog or play video games. Or make some kind of finagled artwork.

Or go sit in a coffee shop and work on reading Female Chauvinist Pigs, or start reading The Great Divorce. Or continue reading Opening to God: Lectio Divina and Life as Prayer. (I have a nasty habit of trying to read several books at once)

Anyway.

It's 2011, and only a few days till my 27th birthday. Hooray! I actually find myself in a weird, almost limbo sort of place since my husband was asked to leave the band he was in, and my mind has been a battleground of conversations that will never happen with former band members and being sore at God for life getting twisted up in a frustrating way again. However, I must remind myself in the midst of this no-clue-what's-next moment that that is what it is: a moment. A season. 2010 as a whole felt like a fall and winter of transitions, and I'm hoping spring is around the bend (both literally and figuratively). I must also remember that all-in-all we are doing well. God is taking care of us; we have a roof over our head, no want in our bellies, and friends & family (and two cats) who love us. So really, its our hearts and our attitudes that need to be adjusted. I pray this comes together soon.

I also hope that both my husband and I will be able to implement our creative energies in some way besides it all sitting in the office (all of my artwork and materials are also piled there). Thankfully, I have a solo-show in April that I should be preparing for soon, and a possible opportunity to help put together a show sometime in the Fall, which is encouraging. We'll see what is in store for Scott.

That aside.. my lovely friend Erin has issued a challenge to come up with a sort of bucket list of 30 things to do before turning 30 years old. I can't help but be caught up in her enthusiasm! however I'm terrible at coming up with lists. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Live in a place with free laundry
2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed
3. Have an art studio again
4. Seriously pursue having kids
5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine
6. Take a self-defense class
7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again
8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy
9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)
10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot (preferable with the hubby)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

Ok. I can't think of any more right now because my stomach is gurgling at me and it's high time I run some errands before getting my hair cut. More to come at some point; I'll try not to hold you in suspense.

I wouldn't say this is exactly "rising from the ashes..."

This blog has been quiet for far too long. In fact, it's been so long that I won't even bore you with the details of the past several months besides saying that I have a stable job that I enjoy (as opposed to an unstable job that I enjoyed) and every time I think about making artwork, I feel like I want to explode because there is a sufficient lack of space in which I can make art.

That's not why I'm writing this blog entry, however.

At the beginning of last year - in the thick of winter - I realized that winter in the city with its gray concrete, gray buildings, gray sky, and dead trees made me feel depressed. It was a nice revelation since it gave insight into why I would want to cry and not want to get out of bed some days during winter months. With that in mind for this year, my wonderful husband made sure that I read over a little article, sent from HQ of where he works, about how to gird myself against the assailant known as Winter Blues. I thought I'd share with some snarky commentary.

Lighten Up The Winter Blues

Feeling tired, irritable or unmotivated? (why yes! I am starting to feel that way). You’re not alone. 1 in 4 people usually feel some form of seasonal winter sadness. Add in tough economic times, and you may be suffering a 1-2 punch.

Fortunately, most people benefit from some simple steps:

Look to the light.
Seasonal sadness may be tied to shorter days and less natural sunlight. Open blinds or curtains first thing in the morning; walk outdoors in the daylight for up to an hour a day if possible; increase natural light indoors. Brighten up your home by adding additional lamps and lighting fixtures during the winter months. Spend time outside on warmer days when possible.

(I would love to add an array of lighting in our apartment, since it's already dark to begin with. The classic villain here: Electric Bill. Introducing the glory of artificial sun also introduces the pinch of paying for it. Energy saving bulbs would help except I can only find cool shades and nevermind that they contain mercury. Going outside shouldn't be a problem, except the cold...)

Color your world.

Studies show that red can encourage activity and overcome depression. Yellows stimulate. Orange shades bring joy. No need to repaint home or office however; just spot-treat with throws, pillows, flowers or artwork.

(This is actually a fantastic idea; and I love color. The chronic problem I have is that I am perpetually drawn to shades of blue, purple, and green. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy warmer colors. I just can't seem to figure out how to incorporate them in either my wardrobe or home decor. We sleep in blue sheets. There are browns/blues/greens in the living room. The bathroom is blue/white/black. I am obsessive-compulsively 'cool,' and not in the sense of being awesome.)

Get jumpin’ jack.
One hour of outdoor exercise can be as mood elevating as 2.5 hours of clinical light therapy. Even indoor exercise can have a positive effect; just get in the habit and stick with it. Starting an exercise routine and sticking with can boost energy levels and endorphins so you feel more alert.

(It's time I confess: the idea of exercise makes me cringe regardless of how much I know it would be beneficial. Let me tackle the color problem I have and then maybe I'll feel motivated enough to exercise.)

Up and at 'em!
Resist the urge to oversleep, and get on a regular sleeping schedule that allows you to be awake as much as possible during sunlight hours. Avoid taking naps.

(This is a realm I have little control over, but at least it's in a positive way. Not only does my body refuse to nap unless I am ill, and I wake up at the crack of dawn to sit in front of a desk and greet cats and dogs and their owners at a hospital. The latest I sleep in on my day off is usually before 10:00am.)

Eat smart.

Cold weather increases cravings for carbohydrates. Avoid the ups, downs and weight gain from fatty sugar foods by eating whole grains like oats or rice and nutritious fruits and veggies. Discipline yourself not to overeat, too. Avoid junk foods and environments that may encourage bingeing

(Ok. I'm game for this! Just that Thanksgiving going into Christmas and all the leftovers is not a great way to try that out. But this is something I can at least manage the easiest.)

Now all I need are healthy doses of peppy music and move to a state that has shorter winters... or figure out a way to make winter trips to Hawaii.

Creed (not to be confused with the band)

I believe that my talents are a gift from God and I am to use them to fulfill His purposes in my life and for His world.
I humbly acknowledge and accept my gifts and ask to receive God's vision for how I am to use them.
I ask the Holy Spirit to free me from self-doubt and self-absorption.
I pray this work will bring me into closer alignment with Jesus as I seek to use my gifts and talents for His glory and to becomethe whole and complete person He intends me to be.

*not written by me, but an echo from my own heart. The artwork, however, is my own creation.

Did I miss the expiration date on that?

Dear Dirt-

I'm not sure if I want to address my blogs as "dear..." anymore. It's fun. But I need to think of something more creative... Maybe "Dear terra firma..." Hmm. I'm also realizing that my blog is about as visually interesting as Wonderbread. Any other blogging friends that can help me out?

Anyway... the long overdue art rant is here! Cue the music. Let's go.

I "lost" my art studio back in December/January. By "lost" I really mean that, despite that deep grace I had shacking up my stuff in an older church building with other artists, I simply couldn't miss any more monthly payments with a good conscience. There were other issues going on, one was distance from my apartment and lack of an automobile, but money was probably the key reason I needed to pack up and shove everything into our small two-bedroom apartment. Oh... wait, a quarter of it is still in the Explorer. Losing a separate space was depressing for me, which spiraled darker due to other reasons, and I dreaded every trip I had to go in and collect stuff.

Now that Spring and Summer have come and almost gone, I'm just now mustering the creative spirits that be to make stuff again. Over the summer I've been working on piecing necklaces together... To my surprise I found a hobby that I really enjoy. AND I can make money while I do it! That's more than what most folks can say. Heck it's more than what most artists can say. It's meager, but we'll see where it goes. I'm just delighted by the unexpected blessing. But now I want to get back to my usual groove and do drawings and paintings.

So what do I do?

Blog about it.

Why? Well, even though I'm generating a few ideas, those ideas are grand. They involve what I was doing before - 6ft drawings. I can't do 6ft drawings.. in fact, with the furniture, I barely have a 6ft space. Okay so the hallway is pretty good, but it's too narrow for my paper.

You know what my problem is? All I see are obstacles. You'd think that after working in college ministry -- with art students no less -- for four years God would have taught me something about seeing possibilities, rather than obstacles. I guess I have a thick skull because I'm still stuck on obstacles. Once I was shown the gloriousness of larger-scaled drawings by an artist friend, I seem to be having a hard time going back. I need something to kick-start my brain so I can think small again. Going to museums doesn't help... all the art seems to be large and in charge, and anything smaller is way too intricate.

One of the things I'd been working on while trying to shove my creativity was cutting up old journals and finding new ways to use them in an art form. Shortly after I became a Christian, I've journaled retreats, sermons, talks, and whatever else "Christian" I attended. I probably have about 9 journals - not counting the ones I've had in the past year or so. All they do is sit around and take up space. I don't know who I'm kidding by thinking I'll go back and read them. ... Ok, I've done this on a few occasions, usually in the process of moving. But aside from that, I haven't taken the time to flip through old sermon notes and go "ahhh, yes, of course I remember that." Like several people out there, I have this compulsion that one day I will NEED these for something, sometime.

Maybe that time is now. I don't know.

Anyway, so I have these old journals. I've been thinking of cutting them up and reformatting them in a way that no longer makes them private ... obviously, because art is rarely meant to be fully private. But it's a totally different medium. Right now there's little drawing involved, if any. It's just cutting up some paper and trying to think of it in a sculptural way. As a few of my friends already know, I cringe at the idea of doing something sculptural. I had a professor in college that completely turned me off to the idea of being a sculptural artist. I hated that class because the professor made me feel like I would never amount to anything as an artist. She never said that, but her teaching style SCREAMED it. Thankfully, I never took a class with her again; unfortunately that also means that I haven't bridged into anything sculptural since. Also as a result, I view sculptural art with a very wary, almost suspecting eye. Like it's going to betray my sense of being an artist somehow; as if it's judging me. Seems crazy, but deep down I know it's true.

Approaching these old journals is profoundly confusing for me. I want to do something, but what? I feel dumb even trying to attempt something, like an apparition of my old professor is shaking her head like I don't have a clue what I'm doing (oh wait, I don't). Who knew a professor would make such a negative impact on my way of approaching art making?! I knew my math teacher in high school destroyed my sense of mathematics, but this?? How awful!

If you've got some artists that I can check out, and encouraging techniques or something I can learn, I would greatly appreciate it. Who can help a sister out?

Lovingly, and with frustration,

Yiv

Family Tree

Dear Earth,

It's hot.
It's really hot in our office room. So I'm going to keep this really short and to the point.
Because I'm sweating and that's gross. Although it was pointed out in church yesterday that if we didn't sweat, we would probably overheat and die. I suppose I can't complain too much.

Recently I've been floored by the Creator of All Things -- again -- at how he chooses to provide. I've been looking for a job for the past few months, and having a hard time finding something that I'm either remotely interested in, or qualify for, or one that isn't a volunteer (unpaid) job. Call me picky, but I'm trying to find something that is a little more long-term and works towards some semblance of a career. In the midst of my discouragement & anxiety, out of the sky falls a letter from one of my uncles.

Now, here's something that most people don't know about me unless it happens to come up in conversation. I don't know my extended family. I don't know any aunts or uncles except those I've been brought into when dad married my step-mom. So I've never really met any of my aunts or uncles or cousins or whatever.

So out of the sky falls this letter from an uncle of mine, with a sort of inheritance check enclosed with it, at least enough to get us by for the rest of the summer while I still look for a second job. While of course the money is amazing enough, the second most amazing thing is that this is from an UNCLE of mine. You know what that means? That means I can write him a letter back, and prayerfully I'll make some kind of connection with a RELATIVE of mine. I don't think I can really emphasize adequately enough how interested I am in asking questions and questions about this uncle of mine -- and about my mom. Some of the question marks of my family background can maybe get filled with answers.... perhaps some that aren't pleasant, perhaps others that are way amazing... but either way, I want to know about my family if I can. Not to make up for lost time or anything that can't be done, but just to hear the stories I never heard growing up.

And of course as I print the letter, my printer is out of black ink, and I must wait another day before I can mail the letter... which adds another day to when I will be eagerly checking my mailbox for a response. If I get one. A trip to Staples is in order ASAP.

OK. I need to get out of this chair before I get soaked in sweat. Ew.

Tree Hugging, 101

Dear Earth,

OK -- so I still have yet to deliver on that art blog entry that I said I would write at some point. I have had so many other thoughts zipping through my head, though, and quite frankly art hasn't exactly been my focus recently (a fact which I am sad about). I don't think making jewelry from scraps qualifies for an entry either, at least not yet.

That aside, here's a little introduction before I hike up my proverbial skirt and stand on a soap box. I name my blog "Full of Earth and Dirt," because it's a line from one of my favorite David Crowder Band songs, which you can read the lyrics here. "I am full of earth and dirt, and You" points towards the fact that I am a creature, and I have a Creator. I screw up and God never screws up. I've got all kinds of blemishes, but He is total purity -- but He still embraces me. But the phrase Full of Earth and Dirt means more: I have a responsibility to care about the things God created... people, animals, nature ... Simply because He made it.

I am not what you might consider an environmental activist; or perhaps an activist of any kind. That word, activist, has such a negative (read: political) cloud around it that I generally try to distance myself from using it as a way to identify myself. Don't let that fool you: I do care about things going on around me. Human trafficking (which includes the porn industry) and animal abuse are two examples. I also tend to get fired up about hypocritical and better-than-thou sorts of behavior. I think Fair Trade is a fantastic thing, and Ten Thousand Villages is one of my favorite places.

I remember a drawing that I made when I was a little girl that depicted animals stranded in a field of stumps while loggers cut down trees with chainsaws. Before I had turned 8, I also had subscriptions to Zoo Books and Ranger Rick, magazines featuring detailed but fun information about wildlife and the environment. That's where I first learned about endangered species, actually. Today I'm addicted to Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel. So I have a record for believing that taking care of the world around me is of great importance, though somehow in my adolescence and adulthood I lost sight of that. It wasn't until I started working at a privately owned eco-friendly store that I've begun to do more research on my own about "green" practices, products, foods, etc. and reading articles about what we're doing to the environment.

OK, I'm hiking up that skirt and stepping onto the soap box now.

The BP oil spill is, without a doubt, a massive disaster that will not only affect the environment and ecosystems, it affects the livelihoods of people too. BP seems to not care: clocking out at 5pm, checking out on beach clean-ups when the weather isn't perfect, and overall seemingly taking their time to get the mess sorted out. I'm pretty convinced that all BP cares about isn't so much what they are losing in the oil spill -- but what they will gain in the months to come when gas and oil prices are skyrocketing. Keep an eye on your local gas station prices and see if I'm right (I could be wrong after all). While Obama's charisma has gotten him pretty far, his response to the oil spill feels ... well, less than adequate. Is that wrong? Our system seems to be floundering with the Gulf of Mexico again, just like it did with Katrina. I don't expect Rome to be built in a day, but there are bad things going on here that really shouldn't be or shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But, to BP's credit, they are doing a better job than Chevron has been in the Amazon Rainforest. I recently learned that in Ecuador, Chevron (who bought Texaco) abandoned hundreds of oil-waste pits in the Amazon in the 90's and refuse to clean it up. The 60 Minutes video clip from 2009 sheds quite a bit of light on Chevron's stance, so I suggest following the link I provided. It points out that what happened in the Amazon would never happen in the U.S. -- and certainly wouldn't be a debated problem for 30 years. Though I think BP is dragging their feet, 50 some odd days is like a breath to 30 years. It's appalling. I really don't care about the legalities, why should it even matter what country your in when there are hundreds of oil pits contaminating water and soil in one of our most precious forests on the planet, destroying animals as well as communities of people?

It's like the palm plantations the United States has in Indonesia, Malaysia and Papua New Guinea's tropical forests. Basically, we're carving out acres of tropical forests so we can throw palm trees in for palm oil; and while the companies involved are rolling in the dough, native towns get pennies compared to the overall profit. And palm oil is in practically everything

And that's just the beginning of my lessons of "Tree Hugging, 101." Or perhaps I should say, "Living as a responsible human being and treating people, animals, and the environment with respect, 101." Or we could even say, "Loving God's created everything, 101."

Adventures in learning about what I eat:

This might seem like a tangent but I promise it's not. I get headaches, and quite frequently. We figured out that one problem is that I have a tendency towards iron deficiency anemia. I'm not a vegetarian -- contrary to several folks supposing I must be as an artist -- I just don't seem to get enough iron in my diet. I still get headaches though, usually accompanied by nausea, and my wonderful husband may have struck gold in suggesting that I have a sensitivity to MSG. OK ... so what foods have MSG? Much to my disdain, practically everything I like to eat has some form of MSG in it, and usually masked under a totally different name. Great. That's going to be fun to navigate and try to experiment with. This got us discussing how creepy it is that there are so many chemicals on a Food Label that we don't even know what they are. What exactly is "natural flavoring," anyway? (You'd be surprised!) Ironically enough, as we were discussing these things, a move called Food, Inc. showed up on our Netflix suggested movies, so we decided to watch it.

Can I tell you that I will probably never look at packaged chicken in quite the same way again? And no, it's not because they showed people slaughtering animals in some kind of graphic way. No, it's because only 5 major companies produce consumer meats (pork, chicken, beef). Five. That leaves for a TON of room for problems. Example: chicken farmers can spend over $500,000 on coops for chickens, which puts the farmer in massive debt when they start out. Companies like Tyson demand the chicken coops to be upgraded, costing more money. I use the term "upgraded" loosely, since the coops house hundreds of chickens and have no windows. You would think that the farmer would get a nice return to pay back their chicken coop debt, but you'd be wrong. They get less than $20,000 a year for their chickens.

Chickens, by the way, normally take 3 months to grow to full maturity. Corporation chickens are different. They only about half that time because their growth is accelerated... which means their organs and bones can't keep up with their size, so they can only take so many steps before they need to sit and rest. Kinda creepy, right?

If that wasn't messed up enough, if you speak out against the beef industry when ecoli runs amock and kills children, they turn around and sue you. Yes. They will sue you. They sued Oprah in the late 90's. Isn't that a violation of freedom of speech? I know that speaking out against the Government is generally frowned upon, but apparently speaking out against Beef is worse. This is ridiculous. Equally ridiculous is that Smithfield meat companies have actively recruited Mexican workers (read, they purposefully bring them to the US illegally to work in their factories) -- and when illegal immigration started being a "problem" they handed over the workers to the police to be deported. I'm sorry, why isn't Smithfield being held responsible for doing that in the first place??
What makes it even scarier is the fact that past government administrations have had major players from agriculture and meat industries also as major players in the FDA and USDA -- which means if they don't want to tell consumers they are eating something Cloned or Genetically Altered for example, they can get away with it. It also means companies like Monsanto can have a patent on a genetically altered soy bean, and blacklist farmers who save the beans or accidentally acquire them, and send what may as well be secret police to come get you.

....

I think I'm done standing on my soap box. But I assure you I might be back. I'm not even sure what to do with all of this information because the other thing that really pisses me off is that organic and local foods are expensive, while processed foods and all the foods coming from the underbelly corporations is a lot more affordable. When you're on a budget or hardly have much to spend on a month's worth of food, it's almost like you have no choice. If you want to eat you have to buy what you can afford... but then what I'm eating is either a) laced with mysterious chemicals or b) coming from a corporation that treats the environment/people/animals as totally expendable. What do you do when you're on a budget?

Any suggestions are helpful and encouraged.

If a woman's glory is her hair...

Dear Dirt,

I just spent 20 minutes in my local pharmacy staring at their (minimal) hair accessory collection. There were clips, hair ties, bobby pins, and various other things that I couldn't even begin to identify, let alone know how to use.All that staring was for naught: I walked out of the store empty handed.

Yes, rather than blogging about art as previously said in my last post, I am writing about hair. Don't worry, this won't take long.

I have long hair that reaches it's little split-end fingertips just beyond my shoulder blades at its longest. I recently took on the adventure of dying it a few shades darker brown, and thankfully I can say that it doesn't look freakish around my pale and -- thanks to summer -- freckled little face. You would think with locks like mine I would have something of an idea of how to style it. But you'd be way wrong. There are two styles that I even bother with:

1. Up in a ponytail, or bunched up in a claw-clip haphazardly.
2. Down and as free as a wild mare.

Part of this is due to the fact that I am just way too low-maintenance to get around to doing something with my hair. I don't know how you girls do it with putting hours into making your hair perfect. I just don't have that kind of patience every day. The other and more important reason is that I simply don't even know what to do with my hair. I can't even put my hair up in a proper bun that doesn't either fall apart every five minutes or look like a tribble died back there. I know how to braid, but not my own hair. I don't think my parents did much with my hair when I was a wee one, to no fault of their own. I certainly didn't learn anything when it was just me, Dad, and my brother about how to deal with girl's hair.

Perhaps if I had a curling iron, then I could experiment... or end up with blistered fingers. Who knows.

It's tempting to say, "Bah! I'll just chop it all off, and then I don't have to worry about it as much." Shorter hair may be easier to deal with, but I've been there. I had a little punk-wanna-be hair cut in college that I could spike out in the back that was a horrible decision for my weight at the time. I look back at photos, and only in retrospect do I realize the cut made my face look like a moon. I'd rather not revisit that. I like my long hair. If you've got any ideas or suggestions for what to do with my hair (or better yet, you can tell me how to put my hair in a proper bun), let me know.

However if I don't find a new way to mess with my hair or do otherwise cute things to it, I'm okay with that.

If you made it this far in reading this randomly pointless entry, thanks. Now, time to get to more important things like art-making, phone-calling, and job-searching.

Yiv

Pushing through some earth

Dear Earth & Dirt,

I'm deciding to continue beginning entries with "Dear suchandsuch." It makes me feel like I'm actually writing to someone and not just typing words to a largely anonymous and intangible audience.

It's been since January that I wrote a blog entry, as if Avatar was the last interesting thing that's happened in my life up until now. That's not entirely true. I realized in January (or was it February?) that I was struggling with seasonal depression, and I realized I had a lot of errors in my perspective of how, deep down, I think I should be treated by friends. A major shift in my life occurred more recently: I am leaving the ministry work I've known for four years and moving on to God knows what. I went on a personal retreat in the woods at a hermitage, and literally it was a single-person cabin in the woods with little interaction with others. Just me, God, and woodland creatures. It was a good time of reflection and reassessment of what was going on in my life.

So now I'm in a place of looking for and praying for a new career. It's hard to get one when you feel like you don't have much to stand on. Why do I say that? Welp, I went to school for art.

Yes. Art. Printmaking to be precise, but that's neither here nor there.
This is where you shake your head and say, "Way to go."

I realized the implications of gaining a degree in the creative arts. It's not the kind of career move that makes you financially stable unless you're Picasso - and he's dead. Then again, going into full-time ministry isn't exactly the kind of career move that makes you financially stable either. That's the kind of work that you pray hard in, eat lots of humble-pie, and ask God to provide for your needs while simultaneously working hard to invite folks to join your efforts. No easy task when the culture is steeped in the mentality that money comes when Team #1 works hard for it, and it's held in a vice grip unless they are otherwise convinced you are worthy of their donation.

OK. That's not exactly what my experience was like. That's an extreme example. However we do live in a culture that is pretty rooted in the phrase, "MY money." I have a problem with that phrase too. But ultimately money belongs to God (no, not in some massive bank in the sky).

Anyway.
Being an artist I think is just as difficult to be a missionary. As an artist who loves Jesus, I need to pray while I paint, eat lots of humble-pie because my art is not nearly as awesome as Makoto Fujimura, and I need to ask God to give me the fuel of inspiration and to provide for my family's needs. And dear God please help me find a paying job that is somehow related to art! Once again, no easy task, since there are lots of folks out there (sadly, many of them are Christians) who don't think that art is an important and valid activity outside the realm of decorative art or "hobbyist" art.

Even worse is my brothers and sisters that think that the only viable type of art for a Christian to make is if it is strictly obvious that it is about Jesus.

C'mon. I don't think even Jesus was that obvious about who He was in His day, unless people had open eyes and more importantly open hearts to Him. Here's an example in which the irony had to be pointed out to me. On the road to Emmaus, Jesus runs into two guys who don't at all recognize Him (probably thanks to some Divine now-you-see-me, now-you-don't phenomenon). He talks to them about everything that was said to happen to him, and then when they're about to part ways, He pretends to go on His way before they urgently invite Him over for dinner. The Son of God not only veils His identity, but He "acted as if He were going farther." If you don't believe me it's in Luke 24. Jesus totally fakes out His friends. Dude, if Jesus can hide His identity when He's standing right in front of someone to help bring out a greater point of understanding, why can't I make a piece of art that isn't obviously about Jesus?

That all aside... I'm looking for work in a city where work seems to be hard to find. But, nothing is impossible with God. While I'm searching and applying, I'm praying because I've got no other way to get a job. Remember the whole degree in art business? But, nothing is impossible with God. I'm saying that twice because I have to remember that; it's surprisingly easy to forget.

Wow, this entry went a completely different direction I thought it might. Maybe next time around I'll write about an art project I'm slowly working on that involves journals, and making a critique of online journals.

We'll see. It might go a totally different direction.

Covered in dirt,
Yiv

Oops...

Dear Blog,

My computer decided to not work in the coffee shop; I'm sorry I stood you up! And then I decided to dye my hair... which, I think I like. It's just been since I was 15 that I dyed my whole head a different color, and I'm actually pretty fond of my natural hair color. I just needed some change that felt more positive than all the other changes going on.

Oh, and in 20 minutes I'm going to a movie with my neighbor. I've known her since October. I was in her (re)wedding two weeks ago, first wedding I've ever been in, and it was a lot of fun. She's from Kenya and has been chased by hyenas -- literally.

I promise I'm not standing you up on purpose.

Love,
Yiv

Twirly-bugs

Dear Full of Earth & Dirt,

Wow, I am way overdue to write at least some kind of blog entry. My world isn't exploding with activity but I assure you my brain is. Let's make a date soon. Say.. tomorrow at one of the local coffee joints in between my wrongfully-lackadaisical search for a career.

Your loving, yet neglectful writer,
Yiv

P.S. I will warn you though. I may take up several paragraphs and go on tangents. We'll see what happens.

Avatar :: Zalyina

Scott and I recently went to go see the James Cameron movie, Avatar, in IMAX-3D. If you haven't seen the movie yet, you may want to curb reading until you see a series of ***'s or else I'll spoil some parts for you. Scroll down now if you'd rather skip it.

Visually speaking alone, the movie is striking and one of the more originally imaginative ones that I've seen in a long time. The plants, creatures, and the Navi themselves are simply stunning and a tremendous amount of detail was worked into everything. The fact that the Avatar Navi and the Navi are distinguished is one thing that really grabbed me. The Avatars are basically a splicing of some human DNA and a whole lot of Navi DNA -- and they have five fingers. The Navi, on the other hand, only have four fingers. Certain concepts are pretty original - at least, so far as I know: the way the Navi control their mounts (ground or in the air) by a braid-like connector? Genius. Just the concept of the Avatars themselves is fairly original -- at the very least, the use of an organic Avatar (as opposed to a robot or a mech and the like.)

Now, the actual storyline itself is not all that original. It's an easy storyline, and I don't fully blame Cameron for doing that -- afterall, most of the money was probably poured into the visual effects. That's why it doesn't look totally out of place when the live-action meets the digital action and the character/creature designs totally rock my socks off. But, I digress. The storyline is like several sci-fi movies: Earth for whatever reason is jacked up, so we're looking to other planets for either resources or a home (that's simplifying it). There are people out there that will take this movie and say Cameron is making a political statement about global warming and colonization -- but, the thing of it is, the trashing of our planet isn't a political issue. It doesn't need to be, just as much as abortion and other hot-button topics don't need to be political issues. The humans don't have any more resources, so some of them (the more military and money driven ones) are out to get resources from Pandora. The 'natives' are stubborn and in the way, so they need to be erradicated if they can't be negotiated with.... sounds like the colonization of the Americas right? But I don't know if Cameron was out to make a critique about that completely... even though the erradication of the Native Americans (both North and South america) is a pretty awful blemish in our history. As I take it, it's more of a critique about HUMANS. All of humanity, no matter where we come from, takes from God's good creation and its creatures without giving much back. I think the attitude is what makes a difference: that of "this is or will be mine so I can use it however I want" and that of "this is a gift, and I need to be thankful for it."

Unfortunately, a lot of Western thought floats around the former. We take advantage of a lot without so much a thought to it being a gift and it being grace that we have anything at all -- particularly if it's of the natural world.

Pandora is a utopian world in which the Navi, the animals, and the plants are all connected... not just in a spiritual way but in a biochemical, biological, bio-electrical sort of way. The Navi are almost quite literally one with the natural world around them. This of course sounds familiar to a lot of native people's way of interacting with the natural world. But again, humanity has its faults. The Navi don't have the appearance of the many faults found in Western lifestyles throughout the centuries. Then again we also don't know how different Navi clans interact with other Navi clans -- it's just suggested that they are not otherwise united.


********************************************************

But, on to a different point of thought. The very title and nature of the movie is very interesting to me... Avatars.

Avatar. n. 1. an embodiment or personification, as of a principle, attitude, or view of life. 2. Computers. a graphical image that represents a person, as on the Internet. (i.e. An image representing a user in a multi-user virtual reality space.)

Early on in the movie you learn that the main character, Jake Sully, is going into the Avatar program in place of his twin brother. You also quickly learn (even just from the previews) is that Jake is in a wheelchair and cannot use his legs. There's a medical procedure through this future military's benefits that would make it possible for him to get his legs back -- but costs way more than what Jake can afford. So to be able to connect to and to use an Avatar that can walk, run, and leap through the forests of Pandora? Beyond Jake's wildest dreams I'm sure! Pandora itself is probably more than anyone could dream and would love for it to exist. Even walking out from the movie and into a dreary gray parkinglot after the movie made me wish Pandora actually existed.

Isn't this something a lot of us desire? A world in which everything is hormonized -- the people, the plants, the animals -- and is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams? Or, if nothing else, don't we desire a world that is better? And bodies that aren't ailing and the evils of humanity aren't destroying everything that is good?

Hundreds - perhaps even thousands - of people escape the world via avatars on the internet. Creating personas that are everything we want to be, and putting aside everything we are not. I can be male, female, or both or neither on the internet. I can look however I want to look, and be whatever I want to be. Or. .. I can be who I think I am on the inside online that I can't be in the real world or I'm just not in the real world.

I'm all too familiar with these desires, and all too familiar with being someone/something online that I can't be in the real world.

Throughout high school (about 10 years ago), I was not Yvonne on the internet. No, the name I wanted to be called was Zalyina. Zalyina was my avatar -- everything I wanted to be and wasn't in the real world. Zalyina was a dragon - from a world untarnished by the faults of humanity, and where living things harmonized with each other and with nature. Humans as a whole were a blemish, and only a few really had any connection to the natural world around them. Now, you might laugh or quirk your eyebrow and think I'm crazy. But I actually believed that, on the inside and in a past life (or two past lives as was the case) I was a dragon. It was a curse to be human because humans never treated each other "humanely" -- as ironic as that sounds.

I'm also a person that has suffered much in the hands or words of others when I was a child. Humanity as I knew it wasn't safe. Who could I trust in a world where people always hurt each other? Was I the only one that saw that the way things were, weren't the way things were supposed to be? The internet was my solace and my avatar my escape. I had been friends with other people (or rather, their own avatars) online, and they weren't just friends but I'd considered many family. It was my safe place to go when things simply didn't make sense. These people didn't want to hurt me -- for, as far as I know, they all suffered much in the hands of others as well. This digital world and their avatars were (and for some, still is) their safe place, where they can be who they think they are and escape the realities of a war-torn world. Hundreds of people find their solace in an avatar that is anything but human, prefering creatures that are otherwise much more in tune with nature -- dragons, foxes, wolves, rabbits, gryphons, hybrid creatures, felines, birds, predatory birds, and so on. Creatures seem to only kill out of necessity, so they appear to be our betters.

Things are not the way they were meant to be. I don't mean that as a religious platitude but as a truth. Do you not feel it in the marrow of your bones? Children are starving and dying, while others are living in luxurious mansions with lavish food every meal of the day. Corporate business people turn deaf ears to homeless and poor. Drugs and alcohol are used to dull pain and suffering, turning into addictions that one cannot live without. Some people can't see past the pigment of another person's skin, and calls them devils. War rages. If it all were some evolutionary process of a world gone to hell, why would anyone care? Things are not the way it was meant to be.

If God created the world according to Judeo-Christian belief, it was a world without death and sorrow. Humanity was to be harmonized. These terrible things didn't even get introduced into the picture until God's enemy - the devil - took the embodiment of a serpent and the humans listened to him rather than their Creator. It wasn't supposed to be this way - but, then free will got in the way and here we are today. We take advantage of each other and we take advantage of the creation. But one day, when God's son makes everything whole again, death will be no more and tears will not be shed. Till then, I'll do what I can to be thankful for everything around me... and pray others find their solace and safety in God.