Exposing what's beneath

So this weekend I was in Philadelphia to go to the Church Studios to meet up with the artists there and to join up with the two other candidate artists for studio space. I was going down to choose which space I wanted (yeeeeeeeessss), and also meet the other two candidates: Scott and Lynne. I wasn't expecting Lynne, Rubens' wife, to be one of the artists! That was a delightful surprise, and even better is that she and I will be sharing the big room, which is beautiful. That space is awesome. Sharing the space with Lynne will be awesome... I'm pretty pumped about that; although really, I was pumped about the opportunity to have a studio with the Church since day one. Things are falling into place, but there are quite a few things I have to remind myself of... first and foremost is that the space is not really MY space. It's God's space, lent to a church, who is lending it to me. I think that up to this point I haven't entirely been focused on that fact, and I'll probably lapse now and then.... hopefully not that often.

Today I went to Olivet for a service and later hung around while folks went through the Studios for the Fairmont Arts Crawl. All I really did was sit around and socialize; I wanted to spend some time with the artists I'll be coming in to join... as if to get used to the idea. I'm not sure if it has entirely sunk in that I will have a studio space to make my art in. It probably hasn't sunk in just because I haven't moved yet. I never really picked up the phrase 'chomping at the bit' when it came to the eager desire to do something, but friends let me tell you, I am chomping the bit and biting my tongue in my want to move to Philly. But, God is having me wait... which in some ways is kind of annoying, but I know that He knows what's good for me. I know He has a purpose in having me wait.


Today on my ride back, I got to thinking about a lot of things. Right before I left the Studios, Rubens and I got to talking about his dad and my mom--loved ones of ours who have passed away--and how it's reflected in our creative process. I hadn't really thought about that before... not too in depth. I said to him that "I don't want to go there," in regards to why I think I don't put much thought into how my mother's passing impacts my art. It probably does in a number of ways and I just don't realize it. A few of my poems have reflected the loss for sure,intentionally. I don't talk about my mother's death often, probably out of an interest to not focus on it. I went through the phase of recovering quickly and later grieving heavily, so it's not like that. I guess it's hard for me to find people who relate, so I just don't bring it up.


At any rate, there's only one piece that I know had the intention of outletting the loss, but I'm not fully pleased by the results. The figure in the background of the second half is just... so... well, it's just not painted well at all. The hands look fine, but the bust looks shabby. If I could do away with that part of it altogether, I think it would look much better. Maybe I'll figure out a way to do that. But I digress.

While I was driving home I was trying to think of the different things that make me think of my mom.. and what could be done with them artistically. But here's a few things...
-Songs: Que Sara Sara, which she always sung; Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Judy Garland style since we always watched the Wizard of Oz together; Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin; Crash and Burn by Savage Garden because that was the first song I heard the morning afterward.
-Cicadas... Trains... Horses... many of the things that remind me of Texas remind me of my mother.
-Spearmint Gum.. which really reminds me of a man named Dean who was a deacon at the Lutheren church she went to, but I remember clear as day walking out of church with mom and Dean asking if I would like a piece of gum.
-The Wizard of Oz and Judy Garland
-Puffy clouds: my mother made a painting of a blue sky with some puffy clouds. My grandmother sent me the painting, so I own it. My mom actually did a little bit of art herself, and I have some if it because her mother sent it to me...

I wish I knew more about mom than I do. Any time a wave of quiet grief comes to me, it's because I miss her, but it's also because I grieve missing the opportunity to get to know her better.

I have this old jewelry box that she used to own... also sent to me by my grandmother. As I was driving, I thought of a few art ideas; one that I'd thought of before was utilizing the different things that I have of her's... Kind of like artifacts. But then it would become more of an installation, and that's something totally outside of my realm. It would be weird, but a lot of the things sent to me I just don't know what to do with. I wonder if it would just be eerie to do an installation of the belongings of a passed loved one, anyway.
But, anyhow, this one idea came to me to do something with the jewelry box and this thing I've been wanting to do with making light boxes. I haven't quite figured it out of course. Part of me would want to take out all the drawers of the jewelry box and figure out how to make tiny light boxes.. which in all reality, I don't think it would be that hard. ... The hard one is figuring out how to keep the drawers intact and make a lightbox out of the drawers themselves, able to still slide in and out of the case. Wouldn't know how to do that.
Wouldn't know what imagery I'd use.
Would it be too corney? Too predictable? Is it something worth pursuing?

I can only shrug my shoulders; I don't know. The idea of doing something intentional like that kind of scares me, honestly. It's still beneath all of my layers and it's like I don't want anyone to see it; but at the same time I want it out.

-Y