We all want something beautiful..

That song by the Counting Crows, Mr. Jones, has a lyric that goes "We all want something beautiful / I wish I was beautiful..." Ever since I heard that song for the first time, I've carried that line with me. In its simplicity, it's a line that I find profoundly true of me and I would think it'd be true of most people. We want something beautiful, we want to be beautiful. I know I want to keep focused on the things that are beautiful, as in the good and true and lovely.

What's with all the drama in my blog, then? Doom and gloom and tough roads ahead... For someone who is supposed to appreciate beauty I probably sound like a brooding miss who is trying to figure out up from down. To some degree, that's true... encountering sin in all it's ugliness has knocked me to the ground. Not only has the rebellion in a friend's life been a painful experience, it's also brought out something unexpected: I've been challanged in my own faith quite a bit and I've had old wounds opened that I never fully dealt with, acting like it didn't bother me over the years. But these things are good despite how painful it is and will be until it's resolved. I won't wax on about specifics because it hasn't been dealt with yet -- I'm not ready for that kind of public exposure until God repairs some deep seated brokenness in my life. I will say, however, that I'm broken and the whole process has been a humbling revelation that I don't have it all together as much as I'd like to believe. It's pretty easy to put on a tough exterior, to a certain point... these recent events that have been bothering me finally broke the surface.

Thankfully, I have a supportive husband who I can collapse into... and a community that is loving too. I think without these people the road to healing would probably be all the more difficult. The road ahead is going to get bumpy and I'm nervous, but as another band I favor would say, "there is beauty in the breakdown." I want the beauty found in major healing and forgiveness and freedom.

What's the beauty you want to see in your life?


"the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose, and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything." - Mae

(man, three song references in one post?! I'm usually not this referential...)