Full of Dirt: Confessions

I've been meaning to get around to making this post since my soul sister and missionary Heather wrote her own list of confessions in July.

The word "confession" is one that, on the surface, might bring a chill up your spine or flashbacks from a Catholic upbringing -- so I hear. I wasn't raised Catholic or really in any church at all, so I don't know. It's also a word that seems to have gotten tossed around in pop culture biographies.

It's a word I've become very familiar with over the past 11 years of being a follower of Jesus. Unlike the beds of suspicion I usually hear the word in (that is, outside of my church community), I have a pretty positive take on Confession. Admitting the truth of an otherwise hidden deed can be freeing. Scritpurally, I'm pretty down with the idea with confessing my hidden deeds (sin or wrestlings) to God. I agree that I should go to my brothers and sisters and confess what I struggle with. James 5:16, "...Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

However, despite my cozy attitude toward confession I wrestle with actually doing it. Just like anyone else, I prefer to keep my weaknesses to myself. Likewise, I am not always as transparent; for fear of being judged or harped on or rejected I keep my thoughts to myself. This is not an altogether bad thing, but the motivation behind it isn't so awesome.
So, here are a few confessions:


I am a closet pessimist. I will look for the good in just about anything other than my own circumstances, most of the time. So although I will tell you that things will get better and there is a purpose for whatever it is that's happening, I will tell myself that I am forever stuck.

Every now and then, I'll wonder what life would be like had I not decided to go to college and studied fine arts. Say, if I actually went and did psychology or biology (my 2nd and 3rd choices, had I not made it into the art program). I do this if I'm particularly pessimistic at that moment.

I apparently have a love affair with rules. Or at least, traffic laws, which has become glaringly apparent now that I commute via vehicle to work.

I catch myself being judgemental in my head, and I try to remember to tell myself to knock it off.

I think the meanest thing I've ever said to someone (that was not my brother) was when I was still in elementary school in Texas. There was an African American girl who hurt my feelings and I mocked her for being adopted. I will never forget the pain in her face, and I've avoided being mean to others ever since. I have never told anyone this story.

I like tattoos and piercings. This is nothing new to anyone who knows me. But it gets under my skin (harhar) when other Christians whip out Bible verses they think are about tattoos and piercings today. If it applied the way people think it does, men also ought not cut their hair or trim their beards, and the whole lot of us shouldn't wear cotton/spandex blended clothing.

I love Star Trek. Preferably, The Next Generation and good old Captain Picard, the Borg, and the lovely Q.

I like video games, and I'm actually pretty into RPG's but only RPG video games. No D&D'ing for me.

I'm more insecure than I like to let on.

I used to be ready to be friends with anybody for life. When I hear that an old friend (who I haven't talked to in a long time) is in the area but I don't find out about it until weeks later, it used to hurt as if it were a breach in friendship. It's been hard to accept that the nature of friendships I had in college don't define the nature of those friendships now. I'm better with that, but the flip side is that I'm more guarded in who I establish friendships with.

Similarly, I feel as though I damaged friendships when I was support raising while ministering to college students. The flip side is that I feel I strained relationships when I left ministry, now that I'm not regularly in touch.

I thrive on affirmation, and self-destruct when only negative things are pointed out.

I get crushed when I find out that someone doesn't like me or finds me (or something I do) annoying, and I can't understand why or what I did to be unlikeable.

My wedding date was originally set for August 8, 2008 (save-the-dates and all). Then we changed it to two months earlier, to May 31, 2008. I was oblivious that some people would think that the change was because I was pregnant. I was not. In fact, I was a virgin of any sexual contact until my wedding night. The only thing between the hubs-to-be and I was making out, which lead to heightened temptation to fool around. Which is the real reason we changed the date; we didn't want any pre-marital-ness to happen before we got married. And, Heather wasn't able to make a wedding in all of June and July, and there was no way  I wasn't going to have her there.

I enjoy having figured out sex along with my husband, and I celebrate the glorious ways in which our bodies work together. Mmhmm.

My husband was my first boyfriend. At least by my standards. There was a "boyfriend" in 8th grade, but since it was for a few months and I was 15 years old, I don't count it.

However, that period of time included my first kiss. If that's what you want to call it. He went for tongue. It was terrifying. I don't count it.

In light of that, I have a hard time understanding dating without openly discussing wanting to find out if you want to marry that person, or just dating for dating's sake. This wasn't the reason for staying single throughout high school though of course. I was simultaneously afraid of boys (because "they only want one thing") and I didn't think I was that attractive.

My husband was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I have never been drunk, or even tipsy. So if you ask me, "You know what it's like when you're drunk and..." I will stare at you blankly because I have no idea what that's like.

I generally do not enjoy the taste of alcohol. The only things I can drink and actually enjoy are Malibu and Coke, Ice Wine, Twisted Apple Smirnoff, and Woodchuck's Hard Cider. Just about everything else causes me to make a face you don't want to see.

I have also never smoked, or done drugs.

Since I've never experienced these things, I sometimes feel inadequate to share Christ with folks who drink frequently, smoke like a factory, and/or have sex before they are married. I think that they think I'm on some otherworldly plane and I can't relate to them, so what could I possibly have to say to them. But I just want to love them and look beyond those things. I am not better than, and have my own issues.

I did not grow up going to church, and wasn't raised Christian.

Up till this election, I have been anti-politics because of the discourse between Republicans and Democrats is grating and hateful. I label myself "Independent. Not Independent as in the Party, but Independent voter. I am not undecided; I refuse to pledge allegience to one side or the other, since I see things I agree with and disagree with on both sides. I learned this year that this makes me a swing voter. I also refuse to choose a side because I don't think God favors one over the other.

I like zombies, but do not ever want them to exist in reality. Ever.

I sometimes laugh or get excited disporportionately more than I should to something mildly funny or mildly exciting. Like ice cream and donuts, and nerdy jokes on Big Bang Theory.

I sometimes go along with something an aquaintance or co-worker has said, even though I don't know what they are talking about. Which usually is not a good move.

I somehow make it a point that every new man that I meet know that I am married by mentioning my husband in conversation. While I generally like to talk about my husband anyway, this is kind-of a subconcious reflex to avoid weird encounters and would-be hit-ons.

I detest country music. But, I have a softspot for some folk music.

I've also grown a thick skin against much of "Christian" genre music. A lot of it seems shallow and lacks depth (creatively, or in content). Sorry.

I hate generalities. Such as, "All Christians are ignorant, and abandon logic," or "Feminists are all pro-choice," or "All gay men are pedophiles."

I do not like it when people make assumptions about me or write me off when I say I'm a Christian -- or when anyone says they're a Christian for that matter, or belonging to a particular group. I would much rather have a conversation with you, so I can get to know you and you can get to know me.

I hate gossip, and "christian" gossip disguised as a prayer request. Ever since I was in High School I've never understood why people talk maliciously about others behind their back or spread rumors.

I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of undomesticated mice and rats. If it's in a cage, I think it's cute. If it's running around my kitchen, I think it's awful.

Although I know that God's grace for me is abundant, and He's shown me his care for us time and again, I struggle with accepting his grace and worry about tomorrow.


I think that's enough of my confessions for now. I feel better. I would feel even better if others would join in the conversation and engage the topic of Confession, especially if it bleeds into non-internet conversation.