Glory of That Night

Thought I'd share a poem I wrote in 2004.
Merry Christmas everyone. :)


Glory of That Night
December 2004

Midnight blue as velvet
punctured true with a million stars
Silver-rimmed moon,
hung by invisible mobile-threads
Darkness draped like fabric
while sheep sleep on the plains
and shepherds stand watch

Child's cry piercing desert night air,
painted miles and miles away
drenched in the color of Holiness
Creation shudders and shifts
to cradle its newborn Creator
This Divinity in humanity-
the eternal Light source
to a fallen world
The canvas known as Today
woven and held fast by this Everlasting,
framed by glory to glory

Darkness draped like fabric
torn and pushed wide
White and yellow spilling,
blue and purple bowing aside
The armada of heaven armed with light
robed in 'Hallelujah's
Voices puncturing midnight with Truth -
O choir, sing and never end!

Warm with the red of human life
soft with the skin of mortals
This Divinity in humanity-
the will of the Father,
a lamb placed in the manger
A lamb placed on the tree
where it was finished
Color us as salt
from a promise drawn long ago
Death held no grip, no hue,
on the eternal Light source
to a fallen world

Midnight blue as velvet
punctured true by a million angels
Silver-rimmed moon,
held by the newborn Son
Darkness sewn shut like fabric,
while sheep scatter in joy
and shepherds quake
As though on wings of etheral eagles
they will fly
and worship.

Twenty

Anyone who knows me, knows that I enjoy the zombie genre. No, I haven't seen the classic zombie movies, but my tastes lean more towards contemporary zombies. I enjoy Shawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later (which is particularly unnerving), and I have been thoroughly enjoying The Walking Dead on AMC.

I've had many hypothetical conversations with my friends and husband about what we would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I'm one of those people. No, we're not preparing ourselves for any such thing, but it's fun to have a circling debate about what areas would be the safest, how would you get supplies, what would you use as weapons with the skills that you have, and things like that. On that note, I would never actually want to see a zombie apocalypse or anything of the sort come to fruition. I like zombies the best out of pirates and ninjas -- two other highly violent groups that are romanticized in pop culture -- because they don't actually exist.

What makes the zombie film genre so interesting is that it's not really all about the zombies. It's not about the gore, no matter how much there is or how impressive the effects are, but the bottom storyline is all about human nature. The Walking Dead especially illustrates the dynamics of human nature in the face of dire survival. When the characters are forced to protect their loved ones and make alliances with strangers for the sake of surviving, the line between good and bad, right and wrong, eventually start to get blurred. Mistakes are made. Friends become enemies. The moral world as we know it (at least in Western culture) cracks in very fine, and major, ways. Desperation pushes us beyond logical reasoning. Every action is justified.

In some ways, it's a fitting caricature of a post-9/11 America.

Full of Dirt: Confessions

I've been meaning to get around to making this post since my soul sister and missionary Heather wrote her own list of confessions in July.

The word "confession" is one that, on the surface, might bring a chill up your spine or flashbacks from a Catholic upbringing -- so I hear. I wasn't raised Catholic or really in any church at all, so I don't know. It's also a word that seems to have gotten tossed around in pop culture biographies.

It's a word I've become very familiar with over the past 11 years of being a follower of Jesus. Unlike the beds of suspicion I usually hear the word in (that is, outside of my church community), I have a pretty positive take on Confession. Admitting the truth of an otherwise hidden deed can be freeing. Scritpurally, I'm pretty down with the idea with confessing my hidden deeds (sin or wrestlings) to God. I agree that I should go to my brothers and sisters and confess what I struggle with. James 5:16, "...Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

However, despite my cozy attitude toward confession I wrestle with actually doing it. Just like anyone else, I prefer to keep my weaknesses to myself. Likewise, I am not always as transparent; for fear of being judged or harped on or rejected I keep my thoughts to myself. This is not an altogether bad thing, but the motivation behind it isn't so awesome.
So, here are a few confessions:


I am a closet pessimist. I will look for the good in just about anything other than my own circumstances, most of the time. So although I will tell you that things will get better and there is a purpose for whatever it is that's happening, I will tell myself that I am forever stuck.

Every now and then, I'll wonder what life would be like had I not decided to go to college and studied fine arts. Say, if I actually went and did psychology or biology (my 2nd and 3rd choices, had I not made it into the art program). I do this if I'm particularly pessimistic at that moment.

I apparently have a love affair with rules. Or at least, traffic laws, which has become glaringly apparent now that I commute via vehicle to work.

I catch myself being judgemental in my head, and I try to remember to tell myself to knock it off.

I think the meanest thing I've ever said to someone (that was not my brother) was when I was still in elementary school in Texas. There was an African American girl who hurt my feelings and I mocked her for being adopted. I will never forget the pain in her face, and I've avoided being mean to others ever since. I have never told anyone this story.

I like tattoos and piercings. This is nothing new to anyone who knows me. But it gets under my skin (harhar) when other Christians whip out Bible verses they think are about tattoos and piercings today. If it applied the way people think it does, men also ought not cut their hair or trim their beards, and the whole lot of us shouldn't wear cotton/spandex blended clothing.

I love Star Trek. Preferably, The Next Generation and good old Captain Picard, the Borg, and the lovely Q.

I like video games, and I'm actually pretty into RPG's but only RPG video games. No D&D'ing for me.

I'm more insecure than I like to let on.

I used to be ready to be friends with anybody for life. When I hear that an old friend (who I haven't talked to in a long time) is in the area but I don't find out about it until weeks later, it used to hurt as if it were a breach in friendship. It's been hard to accept that the nature of friendships I had in college don't define the nature of those friendships now. I'm better with that, but the flip side is that I'm more guarded in who I establish friendships with.

Similarly, I feel as though I damaged friendships when I was support raising while ministering to college students. The flip side is that I feel I strained relationships when I left ministry, now that I'm not regularly in touch.

I thrive on affirmation, and self-destruct when only negative things are pointed out.

I get crushed when I find out that someone doesn't like me or finds me (or something I do) annoying, and I can't understand why or what I did to be unlikeable.

My wedding date was originally set for August 8, 2008 (save-the-dates and all). Then we changed it to two months earlier, to May 31, 2008. I was oblivious that some people would think that the change was because I was pregnant. I was not. In fact, I was a virgin of any sexual contact until my wedding night. The only thing between the hubs-to-be and I was making out, which lead to heightened temptation to fool around. Which is the real reason we changed the date; we didn't want any pre-marital-ness to happen before we got married. And, Heather wasn't able to make a wedding in all of June and July, and there was no way  I wasn't going to have her there.

I enjoy having figured out sex along with my husband, and I celebrate the glorious ways in which our bodies work together. Mmhmm.

My husband was my first boyfriend. At least by my standards. There was a "boyfriend" in 8th grade, but since it was for a few months and I was 15 years old, I don't count it.

However, that period of time included my first kiss. If that's what you want to call it. He went for tongue. It was terrifying. I don't count it.

In light of that, I have a hard time understanding dating without openly discussing wanting to find out if you want to marry that person, or just dating for dating's sake. This wasn't the reason for staying single throughout high school though of course. I was simultaneously afraid of boys (because "they only want one thing") and I didn't think I was that attractive.

My husband was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I have never been drunk, or even tipsy. So if you ask me, "You know what it's like when you're drunk and..." I will stare at you blankly because I have no idea what that's like.

I generally do not enjoy the taste of alcohol. The only things I can drink and actually enjoy are Malibu and Coke, Ice Wine, Twisted Apple Smirnoff, and Woodchuck's Hard Cider. Just about everything else causes me to make a face you don't want to see.

I have also never smoked, or done drugs.

Since I've never experienced these things, I sometimes feel inadequate to share Christ with folks who drink frequently, smoke like a factory, and/or have sex before they are married. I think that they think I'm on some otherworldly plane and I can't relate to them, so what could I possibly have to say to them. But I just want to love them and look beyond those things. I am not better than, and have my own issues.

I did not grow up going to church, and wasn't raised Christian.

Up till this election, I have been anti-politics because of the discourse between Republicans and Democrats is grating and hateful. I label myself "Independent. Not Independent as in the Party, but Independent voter. I am not undecided; I refuse to pledge allegience to one side or the other, since I see things I agree with and disagree with on both sides. I learned this year that this makes me a swing voter. I also refuse to choose a side because I don't think God favors one over the other.

I like zombies, but do not ever want them to exist in reality. Ever.

I sometimes laugh or get excited disporportionately more than I should to something mildly funny or mildly exciting. Like ice cream and donuts, and nerdy jokes on Big Bang Theory.

I sometimes go along with something an aquaintance or co-worker has said, even though I don't know what they are talking about. Which usually is not a good move.

I somehow make it a point that every new man that I meet know that I am married by mentioning my husband in conversation. While I generally like to talk about my husband anyway, this is kind-of a subconcious reflex to avoid weird encounters and would-be hit-ons.

I detest country music. But, I have a softspot for some folk music.

I've also grown a thick skin against much of "Christian" genre music. A lot of it seems shallow and lacks depth (creatively, or in content). Sorry.

I hate generalities. Such as, "All Christians are ignorant, and abandon logic," or "Feminists are all pro-choice," or "All gay men are pedophiles."

I do not like it when people make assumptions about me or write me off when I say I'm a Christian -- or when anyone says they're a Christian for that matter, or belonging to a particular group. I would much rather have a conversation with you, so I can get to know you and you can get to know me.

I hate gossip, and "christian" gossip disguised as a prayer request. Ever since I was in High School I've never understood why people talk maliciously about others behind their back or spread rumors.

I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of undomesticated mice and rats. If it's in a cage, I think it's cute. If it's running around my kitchen, I think it's awful.

Although I know that God's grace for me is abundant, and He's shown me his care for us time and again, I struggle with accepting his grace and worry about tomorrow.


I think that's enough of my confessions for now. I feel better. I would feel even better if others would join in the conversation and engage the topic of Confession, especially if it bleeds into non-internet conversation.

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time v.2.0

I realized a full day after my last post that I didn't end up finishing my thoughts. Probably because I was at work, and I just wanted to get my post out there RIGHT AWAY.

Whoops.

In the last post, I mentioned how I was finding some ways to make art and that spiralled into questioning my artistic identity. Well, not questioning exactly, but examining the very different methods of creating that I have. It just proves my theory that if I were ever not able to make something for an extended period of time (like the rest of my life), I just might explode. Because I'm spread out in a few different areas, I tend to question the quality of what I'm making. Then again, this is not entirely new. During college I would work on 7 different projects at once (for my Printmaking courses specifically), because there is something in me that HAS to work on multiple projects at once. Settling down and focusing on one thing art-wise has proven to be a difficulty.

Another thing I'm working on right now is not directly about creating. I'm working on pulling together an exhibition. For the record, I've only ever thought of ideas for shows but I've never tried pulling together a group show before; this is going to be a huge learning curve for me. Recently, the President addressed the issue of human trafficking and what our government will do in response to it domestically. While certainly more can be done, I got very excited that this was being addressed at ALL (but disappointed that practically no news stations picked it up). Last week, PBS aired a two-part documentary called Half the Sky that looked at injustice done against women worldwide, including trafficking. I decided: I need to do something about this in a way that I know how. So I'm in the baby-steps phase of pulling together a show based on addressing human trafficking from an artist's perspective. Thankfully I already have a space; now I'm just confirming with the artists I'm interested in having participate, and we'll see what else needs to be done. This won't be until early 2014, so there is plenty of time to work out the kinks, and I'm glad to be working with people who have done this before! I'll write another blog entry another day about human trafficking.. I don't want to get too off topic here.

The other point I mentioned was about desiring a creative/artistic community or folks who can provide helpful feedback and support for what I'm working on. This has been an on-going issue for a few years, but I'm finally at a point where it just needs to happen. Thankfully, an opportunity has come up where someone with more leadership and people-organizing skills than I do wants to start up an artists' group at our church and I'll be helping. The driving force is to provide community and support to artists of faith, and utilizing our gifts to help those around us (within the church and outside of the church). This could mean a lot of different things, and it's something I'll be aiming to explore. The vision includes discussions, critiques, supporting one another by going to other artists' exhibitions/shows/performances etc, and praying for one another and our city. Since I'm blogging from work (again), not all of my thoughts are concentrated to really explain it right now but it's something I'm really looking forward to.


All in all: some really good things are coming together!

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time

Since my last post about wanting more time to work on art, and wanting more community, some things seem to be getting momentum. Kind of.

First, the art. While I'd rather be painting/drawing/taking over the world, I've been putting my creative energy in creating random designs and illustrations for Threadless.com. If you're not familiar, Threadless.com is a sort of online retailer for clothing (shirts, hoodies) and accessories. Their stuff is pretty hip and there are tons of shirts I would love to own, pretending that I am still a care free 24 year old college minister and not a 28 year old who works in a cubicle and wears business-casual clothing 32 hrs a week (for what it's worth, it pays the bills and for another 8 hours, I can wear jeans on Fridays).

Really, though, my job is a blessing and provided by God at a time where we thought we were going to go homeless.

Anyway.

So Threadless.com regularly runs contests for artists to create designs for shirts, and win money if the shirts get printed. It's a pretty sweet system - if your shirt gets picked. Although none of the designs I've submitted have been picked (that I'm aware of) and have received mediocre scoring, it's been a fun process to get some kind of creative juices flowing. Some samples are below.

  

What's interesting about this process, and wanting to get more involved in my painting/drawing (I took a break while it was blazing hot), is that it really underscores the many different variations of art and styles that I have. I have these, which are more illustrative and graphic in nature (back to the kind of things I used to do all the time in highschool & college). I have other things like this that I classify as Just For Fun - the things I'll sell at a craft show or just do it for kicks. I tried explaining this to a gallery owner who I'm friends with, and in whose gallery I've shown some work in the past, and she just kind of laughed and gave me this look like I was a little off my rocker. I also make costume jewelry as a hobby.

And then I make paintings like these:

 

 This kind of work I consider my "serious" work, which doesn't imply I don't have fun making them (although sometimes that is true when I can't get it right), but this work goes more into having legitimate meaning that I hope the viewer will experience. I want these to be contemplated, thought over, and so on.

What I'm wondering is if this puts me in a sort of dilemma. Not a crisis or anything like that, I'm not freaking out about it, but the question arises as to what I should focus my time on and IF I should be worried about that kind of thing anyway. Any other artists run into this multiple-personality-style disorder in their work?

Creative Slacker

A third post in one month? Has someone hijacked Full of Earth & Dirt???

Though no one is seriously asking this question, the answer is: No. I'm just incredibly bored at at work. I've been temping here for a few months and was officially hired today, but since the company needs to reconfigure all of my settings, I literally can't do anything useful today. Putting together another blog entry seems a good way to go. Especially since the entry about my internet wanderings is probably not that interesting, looking back at it. I feel like I have to explain myself whenever I express a wariness of uber-social media. I just don't want Mark Zuckerberg taking over the world by integrating Facebook into every aspect of our lives, which I'm half convinced he's aimed to do -- kind of like Google.

I'm also slightly wary of smart technologies (like Nest, the learning thermostat or the iPod for your home), while simultaneously finding them totally awesome and brilliant. I jump back and forth over a line between "paranoid" and "geek-out." I've watched too many sci-fi movies that explore artificial intelligence's relationship to humans.

Anyway.

I've been in a sort of art-slump for the whole summer, at least in the way of major drawings or paintings. It's been a blazing hot summer, and the room that acts as my studio (slash dining room) is just an uncomfortable place to be (so we've been eating in the living room a lot, too). I have been able to figure out some fun crafts, though, which helped me do my first craft fair ever on July 29th! It was a lot of fun and I hope to do another one someday. Scott keeps saying I should just give up my day job and start doing crafts... thankfully, he is joking.

More after the jump.. click to read on!

Bucket List Revisited

In my resolve to try and do more blogging, I decided to revisit my 30 before 30 Bucket List, considering it was pretty much a year ago since I last took a look at it. There isn't a lot to cross out, and there are things I'd like to change, but let's see what we have here...


1. Live in a place with free laundry

2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle. I'm counting this one, since it might be the closest we get to a "grown up" bed!

3. Have an art studio again

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - So I was doing yoga consistently last summer, but with the winter and then no longer having a membership through work, I have fallen out of any kind of routine. If I did it once, does it count?
6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again -- Although I'd be happy to take a class in anything, what I really want to learn is encaustic painting.

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy. - This is not a super solid goal, and really I'm not sure it has a place on a list like this since it's really something I should always be striving for throughout life. I'll have to think of something else that can go here...

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about. - This needs more structure. I may later change it to something else, since I haven't even begun writing anything.

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby. Thanks, Katie Harnish!! I'll share your website as soon as it's finished. :)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way - This one is looking promising, since I very recently did my first craft fair and I would really like to do another one!

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world
15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Cook for others, and with others, more.
17. Volunteer. - I've got some volunteering done, but I'd like to do more. I was helping on and off with an afterschool arts-and-crafts group, and I'd really like to do it again more consistently when it starts again!

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.
19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods - I could probably be doing better, but we're much much better than before!
20. Go to a taping of Conan. - No, I didn't go to a taping of Conan, and as much as I adore that strange, lanky red head, this is a goal that is not something I can control. Instead, I think I'd like to Learn Archery, or at least something like it. I've always been fascinated with bows & arrows, and used to make toy ones out of saplings when I was little. Wouldn't mind fiddling with that again.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this. - Seriously considering removing this, because I'm that tense about it.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.  - I *think* I'm better at this? Life changes have made me more optimistic about the future, however tumultuous it appears to be!
24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper. Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - This had some momentum and then suddenly fell off while I was unemployed.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill?? -- The herbs growing on my window-sill died. The cactus that was sunning on the window-sill also died. But I have a spider plant that seems to be doing well there... I can't eat it, but it's something? Is that cheating?
28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

The Internet: My Web Wanderings and Present Precautions

One day I might find a good rhythm of writing blog entries. In the meantime, expect the next post to be 4-6 months from now. Actually, maybe sooner; I have too many thoughts swirling in my head, and too much time on my hands at work while waiting for something to do.

As a side note, I decided to see my blog stats, just for fun. No surprise, I don't have many visitors. Definite surprise, I have visitors from Russia, Poland, and Latvia. See, check it out:

So... hello Russia, Poland, and Latvia!
This is a great segue to what I've been wanting to write about for nearly two months. The Internet. It's a pretty amazing technology, really, that lets you connect to anyone anywhere in the world. I've been able to watch evolve over, I don't know, the past 22 years. Although it's not uncommon for a 28 year old to be very familiar with the internet in the US -- or other countries for that matter, as the Olympic opening ceremonies artistically demonstrated, and young activists have proven through Twitter and other social media outlets -- I think the only thing that makes me somewhat more like the generation behind me is that I grew up with a computer in the house. Not many friends of mine have had quite the same experience, having acquired a family computer in their pre-teen to teenage years. I was introduced through a Commodore 64 and whatever came immediately after it (I know it was some Apple product). As much as a child can manage, I became familiar with Microsoft DOS before computers even had a picture based interface and you had to use some fancy combination of keys to do anything at all; and games required multiple floppy disks and were extremely simplistic. I was fascinated, whereas a youngster the same age today would be bored out of his/her skull and unimpressed. If you read on, you get to see how involved this all became.

I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVEEE!

*ahem*
I wouldn't blame you if, after such a pessimistically geared entry back in November, I may have fallen off the face of the earth. This is not the case, nor did I die and reanimate and become the world's first blogging zombie. I've just been busy (and at times feeling much like a zombie).

Which means, since I am blogging again, you can conclude that I am not busy. In fact, I am unemployed AND my husband is on tour with Calling Out Closer as their road manager until mid-May. Yep. Not busy. As you can imagine, I am bored out of my mind. Looking for jobs online can only last so long during a day before I want to poke my eyes out. The unemployment came about because apparently I am not able to balance 25 different things at once. I like that I can be "a great person" and well liked, but I don't like being told that while I'm losing my job, either... It's a great sentiment, and I still like the people I worked with. However, a little monster seizes that thought and laughs with a pointed finger, "You're a nice person but heck if you can't do anything worthwhile!!"

For the most part, I've been successful in squishing that little monster, but I can't help but think that being a nice person doesn't actually get you anywhere. I could bleed kindness all I want, that's not what gets a person employment. However, I'm just not in the business of being cutthroat and undermining people.

So I'm hoping to find a job that is really more along the lines of what I'm passionate about: helping people and/or art. Finding something like this has proven difficult, since it would seem that I am lacking in experience: I haven't been working since the dawn of creation in a particular field, and I am not throwing hundreds and hundreds of dollars at school loans for a degree in graphic-design/web-construction-guru/AdobeSuite-master-of-the-universe. OK, so that last part was mostly for the arts jobs I've been looking at. But it's true that it's been difficult to find even a well paying entry level job that doesn't expect the newbie to be the master of all things. Craigslist is almost not worth it, since most of those jobs are either part time, just above minimum wage, or both. I am not saying I am above working multiple jobs, but I'm trying to avoid it so that I can keep my sanity. Or else I WILL become that zombie I mentioned earlier.

I've been attempting to stay occupied by working on my art. This is going OK so far but I need to come up with other projects to work on because I can really only progress once a week with the "technique" I use. While oil colors are really awesome for blending colors and having a rich and supple look, they take so long to dry. If you're an experienced oil painter, you will probably be able to tell that I am not trained in oil painting, since I'm pretty certain there are oils or chemicals you can add to the paint to make it dry faster. I just don't know what they are, and would be afraid it will change the look of the paint. If you know otherwise, please inform me. Before I was completely unemployed -- my former employer was very kind and generous to give me two months to look for work -- I did create a website. This was to exhibit samples of my work to potential art employers, but I needed to get one up anyway. You can check it out at yvonnevalenza.prosite.com. The section under "Birds of the Air" is a project I've been meaning to get back to, so I can do that while waiting for paint to dry.


I actually don't see this whole period as necessarily bad, though. I mean, it is kind of lousy to be unemployed when I'm the kind of person that needs to be doing something. I don't relax and chill out easily. I'm attempting to use this time to refocus on God and coming closer to Jesus since I've been kind of at arm's distance for quite some time. What I mean is that at one point in my life I would pray every day, eagerly read Scripture if not every day, at least a few times a week. Not saying I "need" to do these things or else God would be very sore with me; no, God doesn't need us to perform for Him to love us fully. What I am saying is that I need it to get back to a more stable equilibrium. Recently Scott and I went to Atlantic City, and while we were there we visited the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum since I'd never been to one. At the very end, the main exit is through a dark tunnel with the walls literally spinning with paint enhancing the effect. It creates an optical illusion while you walk through, making your brain think the room is tilting, making your eyes play tricks on you, so your brain makes your body compensate by leaning. To the observer, the person walking through the tunnel ends up slanting and leaning on the railing. Your equilibrium is thrown off, making you disoriented (and in my cause, nauseous) even though you are conscious of it being an optical illusion. If you stare straight ahead to the other side, you can make it through fine, by the way. I did that and Scott made me walk through it twice because he thought I closed my eyes. (I managed to find a YouTube video of the tunnel, here, if you've never been.)





It's kinda like that, minus the nausea. I need to get back to reading Scripture and praying consistently because I've been disoriented while a whirlwind of things happen around me, and when there's a whirlwind of crazy talk in my head (see the previous post regarding the Death Spiral). This has already been helpful, since I am not freaking out about not having a job right now; I'm just really, really bored. I know that I'll get an answer from someone I've sent my resume to, or that something will come through the temp agency. It's a matter of time. I have also been getting some direction lately about ways to use my gifts, but I'm keeping that to myself right now till I get some more clarity.

Still twiddling my thumbs at times and staring at the computer, wasting time on Facebook or stalking my email and staring at my phone, waiting for a call or an email from a potential employer. Or I'll end up pacing the apartment or chasing the cats BUT I'm trying to stay focused and preoccupied! Heck even writing this blog entry just killed an hour and a half. But I think I'll go outside today. I need some sunshine.

Weary

You know, I was about to start do an entry that was about being weary and with an elaborate explanation about why I probably have been feeling weary the past several weeks. Which then started turning into a moping fest on my end while staring at the screen wondering what I was going to write exactly, and feeling awful while going on a Death Spiral -- you know, the thing that happens when your brain becomes a negativity factory and you can't get out of your head.

I decided I needed to find a different way to write about my weariness, because the other way sure as heck wasn't working.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks, on and off. I've also had a lot of stress in my shoulders and neck - but that's not necessarily a new thing. I've been worrying about the future in ways that are horribly pessimistic. You know: the Death Spiral. It looks like this:

I can't go out with friends because apparently socializing requires money.
I won't be able to get an art studio again, ever.
I won't be able to make money as an artist because I can't get into galleries, because I can't pay for stupid frames or stupid jury fees.
And who would buy my art anyway.
Oh and while we're at it, we will never be able to get a house because we're forever going to be stuck in the city, making enough money to be paycheck to paycheck. And because we'll never have a house we probably won't be able to start a family either.
And therefore we will never progress as human beings. EVER.

.......

I hate that Death Spiral. It looks a lot more sinister than this, of course... like a shifty shadowy figure that turns out to be a werewolf chasing you until you can't breathe. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Needless to say, I've been weary. Now today in church I had a good reminder of what to do when I'm weary: "Come to me," (that's Jesus talking), "all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. But let's just be honest. For the past year I've been having a hard time fully trusting Jesus with my life and future. He's still my Savior, who is the only one who can and did die for my sins (even my sin of worrying and not trusting him), but I am having a heck of a time being hopeful for the future when the job I thought I'd do for a long time - college ministry - was gone. Granted, there is a blessing in being shown why I left ministry. It was sucking the life out of me because I was trying to do it on my own power. God was calling me out of it so I wouldn't shrivel up and die, running around like wonder woman as the only campus minister to an entire school. I always thought that having a flexible schedule was awesome, till it started swallowing up every waking hour. I'll tell you one thing though: I was at my lightest weight while I was running around the city to and from meetings with students! Joking aside, I loved spending time with students, but it all became too overwhelming when I also wanted to spend time with my husband and friends. Since I was trying to do things on my own power, and while I was running around like an idiot, I wasn't exactly spending a lot of time with God. 


With that in mind, yes, leaving college ministry was probably the best thing I could do at the time that I left - as much as it sucked and as I felt like a disappointment/failure to my students. At the same time, leaving ministry derailed the way I thought life was going to go. Suddenly I felt thrown to the wolves. Then I got a job, and I've been very blessed to have the job I have. Yet there's still and underlying notion of being thrown to the wolves because Scott has also had his fair share of having plans dashed to pieces and strangely reassembled but still looking a little askew. Or, rather, it's taking a bit longer to get the plans moving than we both anticipated - for various reasons. 


So, here I am, fretting about what in the world the "plan" is. Do I have goals? I don't feel like I do. I have ephemeral aspirations to do "something," "someday," but it's not well defined and there's hardly a path to get to it. I want to do all the things I mentioned previously, but setting goals for those things is sort of beyond me right now. I feel trapped in one place, and I could really use some help seeing what's around me. Like I need a breath of fresh air, a new vision, a renewing in my heart. I want to be able to say from Proverbs 31: 25 that I am a woman who is clothed in strength and has no fear of the future. 


I guess that's where I am right now. I'm stuck, and weary, and I don't want to be anymore.



 "But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
 ...
 I am full of earth and dirt and You"

There are days I feel like a Pollock painting on the inside.

I've said too many times that I always think of tons of things to blog about and never do, and now suddenly it's October and the last thing I wrote was in July. So we'll move past the self pity regarding blogging and get right to self pity about being an artist.

(just kidding. mostly)

You know how some mornings when you wake up to get ready for work, you have a flood of thoughts all at once about one particular thing, and you don't even know how it got implanted in your brain in the first place? And it bothers you for days? No? Okay, well I experience days like that. Recently, I've been thinking about how why as an artist I create things. In particular, the way a selection of drawings/paintings over the course of the past 10 years looks like totally different people made some of them. Actually, even over the past 5 years since college doesn't altogether count. Regardless, it seems pretty in-cohesive. I'm an artist flailing around in the dark, not really totally sure what I want my art to look like, or continue to look like. I'll push it this way, then the other way, and then enjoy each of what was produced.. then later hate that I can't stick with one style. One day it's, "YES, this is what I want!" and the next it's, "AHHHG WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? I FAIL AS AN ARTIST!" and later regain my composure after walking away.

Then again... I'm three years shy of 30, and I would suspect that most artists don't have a set style until well after that - provided they stick to it. But I could be saying that just to make myself feel better. Not sure. While I have friends who are artists, I'm not actually camped in any kind of immediate art community that is helpful in fine-tuning my direction. The Bible talks about ironing sharpening iron in the means of following Jesus faithfully - sticking to community that helps you stay directed. There's a phrase I've heard ad-nauseam (though I do not disagree with it) since college: A lone ranger Christian doesn't survive. Likewise, I think there's a grain of truth to adjusting the phrase that a lone ranger artist doesn't survive. But that kind of seems like an artist's stereotypical M.O.: the one on the OUTSIDE who is secluded and slaving away in the studio rather than have normal social interactions with other people (actually that sounds very much like many computer geeks as well..hmm). I have friends who are artists, some of who I have astounding relationships with and wouldn't trade them for anything. But somehow we rarely intentionally talk about our art in a way that is helpful, nurturing, and challenging. I think we just don't think of it.

As an aside, there actually there IS a community that gets together that I know of, yet guess what: work gets in my way and they all meet outside the city! Curse being city- and budget-bound! But I digress. There's some rumblings amongst those friends about fixing this problem... so I hope it happens soon. Another problem I noticed from my artist friends is that we have grand ideas that somehow never seem to quite come together -- or at the very least, that's me. I don't know how I ever bring a painting from start to finish with that awful character flaw.

I do have one success out of all this confusion. Or, what I consider a success. I haven't had anyone actually critique this painting before because I'm terrified of what might be said. I started this self-portrait at the end of 2007 and it finally worked its way to being finished in 2009. There are a lot of elements of the finished product that I really liked (one of them is not how well I can do a portrait, yuck) and have utilized in other paintings and I keep trying to figure out ways to push those elements. So.. maybe at long last I will have some kind of cohesive style?













































Hooray! Finished product! Now if I could only get money to submit to art galleries.

Bucket List

It's been a while since I really even looked at my "Bucket List of things to do before I turn 30." So I figured I would quickly take a look at what I've done, and what I'd like to edit on my list.

1. Live in a place with free laundry

2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle.

3. Have an art studio again

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - this one I can't say I've completed, but I have started going to the gym, and have taken yoga classes, and I have gone to one Women & Weights class (next one is this weekend!)

6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge I realize that doing a food challenge totally contradicts my #19, having a healthier diet, and I only thought of it at the time because I was obsessively watching Man vs. Food. That guy ain't messing around; a food challenge would kill me. Instead, I'd rather: Cook for others, and with others, more.

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term I have to question if I even have time/energy to do this. Maybe it should be simply: Volunteer.

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical. - I am failing miserably at this.

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper. Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - I've seen my brother twice since creating this list, which is more than I've seen him in the course of a few months than before writing this list. I'm hoping to keep the momentum somehow.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill??

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

Surely We Can Change


And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit

And I don’t knowWhat to do with a love like thatAnd I don’t knowHow to be a love like that

When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do

Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything

Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something

Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change

-- David Crowder

Breathe... 1, 2, 3. The road is about to get very bumpy.

Sluggish Thoughts

I've probably complained about it being really hot in Philadelphia during the summer more times than I can actually count. So I'll refrain, and simply say that it's hot and it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Humidity saps my energy and strength almost as quickly as Kryptonite saps Superman's.

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of the day I married the love of my life, lost my virginity later that day (woohoo!), and started on the amazing journey of the rest of our lives. We're goofy and have fun with one another. We don't really do "romantic" outings, because not only is the iconic idea of romance expensive, it is also very awkward and not our style. I'd rather go eat the most amazing barbeque in the city than at a five-star restaurant that requires formal attire. Those places just feel rigid and unnatural to me. They kind of freak me out. Anyway. Three years later, it's still just the beginning, and there is much adventure and obstacles on the road ahead of us. Much has happened in three years, and so much more is to come. It is slightly frightening, but even more exciting.

Sometimes I reflect on my wedding day and think about all the "oh, I wish we did that," after attending the ceremonies of several friends. In retrospect, I feel like things could have been done differently. Really, I didn't know what the hell I was doing putting a wedding together more-or-less on my own. I did not put together an amazing party for my friends and family. But I have to stop that on-coming train wreck of thought, and realize that it doesn't matter. All the money, flowers, professional photographers, and hip, out-of-the-box ideas in the world could not replace the words and vows shared between my husband and I. That is all a lovestruck girl really wanted: an upstanding man to look me in the eye and pledge his unwavering love and commitment, and to do the same back.

I have a problem with comparing my life to other friends who are married, which always leads to a bad place. I look and see friends who already have a house, a dog (which is undeniably more responsibility than two cats), a kid (or two), and have an envious cloud come up before my eyes. I want a house with A/C, with a washer and dyer, and a dishwasher. I want a yard in which I can grow herbs and tomatoes and peppers. I want to start a family that is beyond my wonderful cats. I want a second car so I can go where I want, when I want. I suddenly become more and more dissatisfied with where I live, how I live, and the way I got married. Envy -- our more perhaps Biblically, covetousness -- is a nasty thing that rises up in you and makes you think that everything you have sucks, and that everything everyone else has is gloriously amazing. And then I start to think that oh, if only we had more money, it would fix everything, because I see money as the enemy and that is the only reason why I do not have the things that I want.

No. It would not. Money would not suddenly become my friend and fix everything that I perceive as being wrong in my life. It might help things out a little, but it would not fix anything. Namely, it would not fix my heart nor my attitude.

I am very blessed to be married to a man that loves me, who does not turn his gaze to pornography when he wants to escape, who does not hurt me or lord over me. I am very blessed to live in a nice apartment. I am very blessed, even, to have two kitties who make me laugh and satisfy my love of furry creatures. I may even be blessed to not have had children yet - which is harder to admit, but in many ways I know we are not ready to have a baby be it psychologically, or even financially. It is pretty awesome that I can get fresh fruit and veggies at all from Whole Foods or even better, from one of the many local outdoor markets in Philadelphia. What I need to learn is some patience, and with patience, praying that the Lord would make a way for these things to happen sometime, and that we would both focus on enjoying Him first, and being thankful for what we have now. Wanting some of those things isn't bad per se (like wanting a family), but throwing a mental tantrum over it is probably not the best thing to do.

Besides. It isn't the material things that make life satisfying. Anyone who follows the farcical lives of celebrities will know that they are some of the most unsatisfied, unhappy people in the world. I don't want that. I want to be satisfied in knowing that I have a God who loves me and cares for me, and will get me through all the hardships the world can throw at me through Christ. I'm still working on that, clearly, and I don't always understand what that means. But it is helpful to have a husband around who is trying to do the same thing, and that we can encourage one another in faith. And that is probably the biggest "material" blessing I can have, through thick and thin.

So here's to three years of marriage, and ten times as many to come.

Hey, here's one way you can help an artist...

Buy stuff; cheap! I've decided to go through some old artwork from college and put a bunch of it up in my Etsy shop in order to get it out of my apartment... I'm too much of a sentimentalist to throw some of this stuff out, since I'd put so much work into these things. There are a few current items, but they're mostly drafts of some kind that pass as pieces on their own.

I've marked down the prices from what I would have wanted to sell them for when I originally made them, since they've just been living a lonely life in storage. Art doesn't do anyone any good if it's not out in the open somewhere.

Anyway, I hope you or someone you know would like to purchase something! I am also considering taking some illustrations out of my sketchbooks from High School. But that's more for making a little extra cash.

Etsy yivviepants

Etsy Throw-together

I haven't posted in quite a while, since a lot has been going on but at the same time not much has been happening. Rather than post something of intellectual interest, I randomly decided that I was going to re-visit throwing together an outfit through the help of Etsy.... and by outfit, I really mean that I asked myself,

"Self, what kind of outfit or costume would you throw together utilizing Etsy?"

Well of course I would LOVE to put together a steampunk costume.

I'm not IN the steampunk scene so much as I admire it from afar and gobble up steampunk costumes and style. I love the idea of it, and if I could actually afford to go gallivanting around at a random convention as my own steampunk character I probably would. But to make it look right, you have to throw out quite a lot of cash. This particular outfit altogether would be nearly $1,500. There are much simpler ways to do it of course that aren't as extravagant. However, although I have a small love for looking at photos of home-made costumes for conventions -- Comicon and Otakon come to mind in particular -- I know that home-made can sometimes go horribly awry.

But, without further ado, here's the costume.

First of all, you have to have a nice coat as a basic piece of attire. It can get cold or rainy, and I for one don't want to be unprepared.

I struggle with finding shoes for myself NOW... but as for a costume, it's easy. It's even easier when I don't have to actually wear these.. Note, the etsy link is actually just for the "spat" - the accessory that is covering the shoes. Let's pretend the shoes come with it.

Every steampunk gal has to have a corset. It's like a rule or something.

Finding a blouse that would at all be appropriate for this kind of thing was difficult. Since it's steampunk, I went with something a little more modern, that would probably look better tucked in than to be out.




















Breeches with a bustle. For some reason, I think that's awesome. No worry of a skirt, but still feminine.

I think steampunk jewelry can be the most interesting costume jewelry out there, since it's got a little bit of mechanical raw-ness, and if done right, still looks elegant. And, you can throw in non-steampunk specific jewelry with it and it looks totally fine. It's a mishmash of two different worlds, afterall.

And just for fun... a Plague Mask. I would lean more towards goggles, but goggles seem to be overdone, and finding some that aren't cyberpunk on Etsy is more difficult than I anticipated. Plus, Plague Masks are just interesting to me. Not sure if it could actually be pulled off with this outfit, but I'd try.

Time to go to bed.

Hopes and Words

HOPES

I've been very contemplative today. I've been coming back to a line from a spoken word piece by Listener, called "Wooden Heart." Well, really I've been thinking about the entire "song" all morning since I think it reflects some of what I've been feeling and have felt across the board. The first time I heard it was live, in person. It was impacting in a way that I'd forgotten till the video came up on Facebook (of all things).

My hopes are weapons that I'm still learning how to use right.

My hopes are weapons. If my hopes are weapons, regardless that I'm still learning how to use them right - shoot. I have to ask, What are my hopes? Where do I put my hope? I'm the type that's prone to get depressed and have bouts of despair when things are tossed into confusion. But lately I've wanted to kick and curse and fight, and downright refuse to despair in light of events we weren't expecting. I don't know what direction our lives are going to take now, but I do know that I live with the belief that there's a God who not only cares in my distress, but is present and will provide. I've known that all along, even in my despair - but something is different now. I'm tired of curling up in a ball as a response to circumstances that are, in all honesty, outside of my control. I'm even shaking my fist at the winter weather and refusing to let a bleak season drag me down -- though sunnier days certain help me feel less oppressed.


WORDS

On a similar but also very different note, I stumbled across a poem I'd written and had completely forgotten about. I used to write poetry with some frequency, but since moving to the city and being a busy girl and otherwise preoccupied, I haven't written anything in several years. Perhaps this is a key to outletting some of my creativity, since creating massive pieces of artwork is not entirely possible at the moment. Anyway, I thought I'd share the poem. It was written in 2006, and I believe it may have been one of last poems I've written. It is titled Logos, as in the Greek word. I recommend checking it out in the dictionary if you're not sure what the word means. I was a fan of writing with uber imagery, like the kind that is bursting at the seams. You'll see what I mean.

What are words, but that which gives ephemeral form
to thoughts and pictures,
or syllables weaved together to create a new sound?
And from whence does it come?
A box that cannot contain that which it produces:
foreign creatures with wings,
anxious to break free and be taken away by the wind,
left to ride the backs of thunderheads
This is the immersion of voice, buried deep yet exposed,
raised letter by letter like the resurrection of saints
and falling as a holy waterfall

Yet so much more are the strokes of a pen
that grace the surface of a sleek white virgin page,
truly allowing it to breathe some new thing
Word given form, shape and purpose
bringing to potential paper and ink, united as a bride to a groom
The result leaves humanity colliding with divinity,
drawn in by a shepherd's hook that brings the cold close
and holds her in a warm embrace

What are these words that fall off the tongues of cherubim,
cresting the edge of the world like satin white horses?
The lungs of man will be filled with poignant pictures,
and trifold 'holies'
The pen will make his mark on internal walls,
saturated with the sound of glory

These new things, these shapes and figures-
whence do they come?
Not from the depths of the sea, nor bellows of the earth
is it heard or seen or smelt or tasted
A voice of such words that are foreign,
yet inviting the Dark to be pierced by Light
and speaking in a beautiful spectrum that is hidden by angels
The syllables are deep and brought to the surface,
the infrastructure of the world cradled in the palm of one word
and blazing into unseen cardiac highways

Here we go.

Several of the items on my list are actual tangible things I am able to do and cross off. Other things are less tangible, and require quite a bit more than "just doing it" and need some larger change in my life. Either way, this is my list! Or at least, this is my list right now because I hate making lists and trying to think of things I've never done or would like to do.

1. Live in a place with free laundry
2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed
3. Have an art studio again
4. Seriously pursue having kids
5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine
6. Take a self-defense class
7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again
8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy
9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)
10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Do some crazy food challenge

17. Volunteer with Fleisher Art Memorial again, long-term

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods

20. Go to a taping of Conan.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper.

25. Visit my brother more.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden.

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

I'm addicted to Etsy and Ice Cream

Etsy.com is a website dedicated to artisans and would-be crafters all over the globe who want to sell their wares and (usually) hand made goods. Some are amazing and jaw-dropping, others are closer to what you would find in your local flea market.

I love Etsy, enough to draw a heart around it on a piece of paper (but not on a tree. I don't love it that much.) I have spent countless hours perusing Etsy, not only in my boredom, but also in my constant search for materials to make my own necklaces because I can usually find some unique supplies there. I enjoy looking at the things I wish I could put in my home, or wear. I've more recently questioned, "Where was Etsy when I got married?!?" Oh, sure, Etsy was there and in existence. I just didn't really know what wonders were in store until much later. C'est la vie. But in this questioning of what-could-have-been, and because I spend so much time on Etsy anyway I am deciding to throw together Etsy outfits just for the heck of it. I was a tom-boy girl, and I suppose you could say this is a good opportunity to exercise the stereotypical feminine talent of putting together a good looking outfit without spending money or doing leg work.

TA-DA:














































I've linked each photo with the item as it's being sold on Etsy -- unfortuantely the cute little bird purse has already been sold ages ago, and there aren't any duplicates in the store. But, it's still nice to look at at least.


I know I still owe this blog a finished 30 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I'M 30 list, but I don't have one yet. It may show up here some time later today though, as it is cold outside, icy, and I don't have anywhere to really *go* until later on this evening. We'll see. I also need to take care of chores and possibly working on or even delivering some necklaces. Hmm.