Twenty-Nine, Day 3: There's much to be done!

I just turned 29 on Tuesday, and although I like not making a big deal out of my birthday I'm pretty excited to be that much closer to exiting my 20s. I don't know too many people who feel or have felt the same way. I never quite understood why people nearing 30 years of age seem to have a quiet edge of lament when telling their age, lacing into the conversation about how they are getting old. Although it would seem that women primarily dread this age, I've taken note of several male friends who also seem to dislike the idea that they're approaching or have reached that particular age.

From what I can tell, turning 30 does not magically turn you into a grandma, like Cindarella changing back into a maid at the stroke of midnight. Thankfully.

I generally tend to be reflective about how the previous year of my life went when my birthday comes around; it doesn't help that it falls so shortly after the start of the New Year, too. This year was ... interesting, to say the least. It involved unemployment for both myself and my husband (well he was really technically self-employed for a hot minute), and then regaining employment. Much of this past year swirled around work, so there wasn't a lot of room for anything else. However, God provided better employment than what I was doing previously. Sure, it's boring. Sure, I sit in front of a computer all day. But I try to remind myself that although this isn't exactly what I want to be doing (far from it), it is something God provided to take care of us. I'm glad to be starting another year of life and have a more positive view of the horizon than I did at the beginning of last year.

Even though I posted my bucket list previously, I decided I should probably make an actual post of if, rather than just throw it out there like a wet noodle with no life and no prospect of being exciting. I was uninspired. I'm feeling better about revisiting the list and revamping it. Many things on the original list involve money that I do not have or in the near future anticipate being able to afford. I started this list in February of 2011, so you could say some things have changed since then.

Here's what I've done so far from the list:

1. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed  - Half the battle done, since we don't have a loft bed anymore.

2. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - I did yoga consistently for a summer and fall

3. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby.  - All thanks to Katie Harnish! Woo!

4. Find a way to make art and make money in a consistent way - It's through crafting things and selling artwork randomly, but it seems to be working.

5. Cook for others, and with others, more.  - Not consistent, but we did host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner this year. I look forward to doing that more.

6. Be less cynical.  - I *think* I'm better at this? Life changes have made me more optimistic about the future, however tumultuous it appears to be!

7. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. - I didn't have a mini-garden, but the unedible plant in my office seems to be living and doing very well. I'm counting it. This will be moved to another list whenever we happen to gain a house.


Here's what I sort-of did, but could use improvement, so they kind-of count:

1. Visit my brother more. - I realized that this particular task involves a third person beyond myself, whose schedule I have no control over. Tricky.

2. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods. - We were kind of doing well with this, before employment got all messed up, and before the holidays. I need to get back on this.

3. VOLUNTEER!!



Here's what I want to accomplish (REVISED) this time next year, 2014, with the rest of my 30 items:

1. Go Camping - I'm looking forward to this because we got a tent for Christmas AND I got a camp stove for my birthday! We need to take a trip to an EMS to get sleeping bags...

2. Get a professional massage - My friends Katy and Erin got me a massage gift certificate for my birthday!!! YAY!

3. Do an MS Walk - This is kind of in the works. There's an MS Walk coming up in Philadelphia in the beginning of May, and I just need to sign up. Sign up, and then walk. And THEN I can cross this off the list.

4. Ride a bike in the city - This seems lame, buuut I'm still terrified to do it, which means I should do it. Again, Katy and Erin may have to come to the rescue to get this done...

5. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all

6. Go on a Philadelphia Tour of some kind, because I've lived here for 6 years and I'd like to learn something about the history of where I live.

7. Go somewhere outside of the US - Canada is looking like the least expensive option. Niagra Falls?? Maybe a pre-emptive 30th birthday adventure... That gives me a whole year to figure it out (especially since I don't have a passport).

8. Now that I'm thinking about it, Get a Passport should be on this list.9. Take a self-defense class
10. Take an art class of some kind - There's an open drawing studio coming up.. hmm...

11. Pursue getting into art shows again - I kind of fell off this boat and into a black hole last year.

12. Make my artspace at home more conducive to art making - I started!! I just need to finish. SOON.

13. Go to a city I have never been to before - This shouldn't be that hard, right? There aren't too many cities that I've been to, so there are all kinds of options.  

14. Participate in an Improve Everywhere event - I don't know, it could be fun. And totally outside of what I would normally be comfortable doing.

15. Participate in the Sketchbook Project 

16. Start making a comic revolving around our cats, Autumn and Tobias - This is replacing the idea I had to start writing a book, because drawing my cats having adventures is more fun, and in theory easier to accomplish.

17. Get back into writing in my prayer journal - I used to do this obsessively when I was in college and shortly after I graduated I stopped. I think this will help me be more thankful and see where God has been working in my life.

18. Participate in a print-exchange again - I so miss printmaking. Ugh.

19. Go fishing - OK, I'm not dead set on going fishing but I'd kind of like to catch a fish. Any time I went as a kid (all of maybe four times), I didn't catch anything. Who can I go fishing with?? An acceptable and unrelated alternative to this one is to Ride A Horse, since it's been a long time.

20. Seriously pursue having kids



BONUS!

One awesome thing that I thought of while writing this list, but decided not to add, was to pet a tiger, or some sort of wildcat. This is a bonus because I realize this is a 1) potentially dangerous activity; 2) probably expensive. I don't know if it's even a possibility unless you have a vault full of money you can dive into like a ballpit.

Soooo okay! Let's do this thing!

Oh yeah, I had a Bucket List..

In light of being 28 years and 359 days old (or, 6 days shy of turning 29), I figured I would revisit my "30 Things to Do Before I turn 30" bucket list. It looks like I have a lot to do within the next year.

    1. Live in a place with free laundry - I don't think we'll be moving any time soon...so not sure how this is going to work out.

2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle. I'm counting this.

3. Have an art studio again.

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - I did yoga consistently for a summer and fall. Does that count?
6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again -- Although I'd be happy to take a class in anything, what I really want to learn is encaustic painting.

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy. - This is not a super solid goal, and really I'm not sure it has a place on a list like this since it's really something I should always be striving for throughout life. I'll have to think of something else that can go here...

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about. - This needs more structure. I may later change it to something else, since I haven't even begun writing anything.

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby. Thanks, Katie Harnish!! I'll share your website as soon as it's finished. :)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way - Still looking promising. It's through crafting things and selling artwork randomly, but it seems to be working.

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world

15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Cook for others, and with others, more. Not consistent, but we did host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner this year. I look forward to doing that more.

17. Volunteer. - I volunteered with an arts-and-crafts afterschool program for a little while, but there are some opportunities on the horizon for this year.

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment. - See #1.

19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods - I could probably be doing better, still, especially after the holidays. But we were doing pretty well for a while there.
20.  Learn Archery, or at least something like it. I've always been fascinated with bows & arrows, and used to make toy ones out of saplings when I was little. Wouldn't mind fiddling with that again.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.  - I *think* I'm better at this? Life changes have made me more optimistic about the future, however tumultuous it appears to be!

24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper. Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - It'd been a while since I saw my brother last, but I realized this is tricky when the other part of this is coordinating with someone who might not get back to you for a month.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!) - We got a tent for Christmas! All that much closer to camping!

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op.  Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill?? -- The herbs growing on my window-sill died. The cactus that was sunning on the window-sill also died. But I have a spider plant that seems to be doing well there... I can't eat it, but it's something? Is that cheating?

28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building

    ... Looking at the list again, I think it needs an overhaul. Particularly when it comes to things that involve moving or the like.

Glory of That Night

Thought I'd share a poem I wrote in 2004.
Merry Christmas everyone. :)


Glory of That Night
December 2004

Midnight blue as velvet
punctured true with a million stars
Silver-rimmed moon,
hung by invisible mobile-threads
Darkness draped like fabric
while sheep sleep on the plains
and shepherds stand watch

Child's cry piercing desert night air,
painted miles and miles away
drenched in the color of Holiness
Creation shudders and shifts
to cradle its newborn Creator
This Divinity in humanity-
the eternal Light source
to a fallen world
The canvas known as Today
woven and held fast by this Everlasting,
framed by glory to glory

Darkness draped like fabric
torn and pushed wide
White and yellow spilling,
blue and purple bowing aside
The armada of heaven armed with light
robed in 'Hallelujah's
Voices puncturing midnight with Truth -
O choir, sing and never end!

Warm with the red of human life
soft with the skin of mortals
This Divinity in humanity-
the will of the Father,
a lamb placed in the manger
A lamb placed on the tree
where it was finished
Color us as salt
from a promise drawn long ago
Death held no grip, no hue,
on the eternal Light source
to a fallen world

Midnight blue as velvet
punctured true by a million angels
Silver-rimmed moon,
held by the newborn Son
Darkness sewn shut like fabric,
while sheep scatter in joy
and shepherds quake
As though on wings of etheral eagles
they will fly
and worship.

Twenty

Anyone who knows me, knows that I enjoy the zombie genre. No, I haven't seen the classic zombie movies, but my tastes lean more towards contemporary zombies. I enjoy Shawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later (which is particularly unnerving), and I have been thoroughly enjoying The Walking Dead on AMC.

I've had many hypothetical conversations with my friends and husband about what we would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I'm one of those people. No, we're not preparing ourselves for any such thing, but it's fun to have a circling debate about what areas would be the safest, how would you get supplies, what would you use as weapons with the skills that you have, and things like that. On that note, I would never actually want to see a zombie apocalypse or anything of the sort come to fruition. I like zombies the best out of pirates and ninjas -- two other highly violent groups that are romanticized in pop culture -- because they don't actually exist.

What makes the zombie film genre so interesting is that it's not really all about the zombies. It's not about the gore, no matter how much there is or how impressive the effects are, but the bottom storyline is all about human nature. The Walking Dead especially illustrates the dynamics of human nature in the face of dire survival. When the characters are forced to protect their loved ones and make alliances with strangers for the sake of surviving, the line between good and bad, right and wrong, eventually start to get blurred. Mistakes are made. Friends become enemies. The moral world as we know it (at least in Western culture) cracks in very fine, and major, ways. Desperation pushes us beyond logical reasoning. Every action is justified.

In some ways, it's a fitting caricature of a post-9/11 America.

Full of Dirt: Confessions

I've been meaning to get around to making this post since my soul sister and missionary Heather wrote her own list of confessions in July.

The word "confession" is one that, on the surface, might bring a chill up your spine or flashbacks from a Catholic upbringing -- so I hear. I wasn't raised Catholic or really in any church at all, so I don't know. It's also a word that seems to have gotten tossed around in pop culture biographies.

It's a word I've become very familiar with over the past 11 years of being a follower of Jesus. Unlike the beds of suspicion I usually hear the word in (that is, outside of my church community), I have a pretty positive take on Confession. Admitting the truth of an otherwise hidden deed can be freeing. Scritpurally, I'm pretty down with the idea with confessing my hidden deeds (sin or wrestlings) to God. I agree that I should go to my brothers and sisters and confess what I struggle with. James 5:16, "...Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

However, despite my cozy attitude toward confession I wrestle with actually doing it. Just like anyone else, I prefer to keep my weaknesses to myself. Likewise, I am not always as transparent; for fear of being judged or harped on or rejected I keep my thoughts to myself. This is not an altogether bad thing, but the motivation behind it isn't so awesome.
So, here are a few confessions:


I am a closet pessimist. I will look for the good in just about anything other than my own circumstances, most of the time. So although I will tell you that things will get better and there is a purpose for whatever it is that's happening, I will tell myself that I am forever stuck.

Every now and then, I'll wonder what life would be like had I not decided to go to college and studied fine arts. Say, if I actually went and did psychology or biology (my 2nd and 3rd choices, had I not made it into the art program). I do this if I'm particularly pessimistic at that moment.

I apparently have a love affair with rules. Or at least, traffic laws, which has become glaringly apparent now that I commute via vehicle to work.

I catch myself being judgemental in my head, and I try to remember to tell myself to knock it off.

I think the meanest thing I've ever said to someone (that was not my brother) was when I was still in elementary school in Texas. There was an African American girl who hurt my feelings and I mocked her for being adopted. I will never forget the pain in her face, and I've avoided being mean to others ever since. I have never told anyone this story.

I like tattoos and piercings. This is nothing new to anyone who knows me. But it gets under my skin (harhar) when other Christians whip out Bible verses they think are about tattoos and piercings today. If it applied the way people think it does, men also ought not cut their hair or trim their beards, and the whole lot of us shouldn't wear cotton/spandex blended clothing.

I love Star Trek. Preferably, The Next Generation and good old Captain Picard, the Borg, and the lovely Q.

I like video games, and I'm actually pretty into RPG's but only RPG video games. No D&D'ing for me.

I'm more insecure than I like to let on.

I used to be ready to be friends with anybody for life. When I hear that an old friend (who I haven't talked to in a long time) is in the area but I don't find out about it until weeks later, it used to hurt as if it were a breach in friendship. It's been hard to accept that the nature of friendships I had in college don't define the nature of those friendships now. I'm better with that, but the flip side is that I'm more guarded in who I establish friendships with.

Similarly, I feel as though I damaged friendships when I was support raising while ministering to college students. The flip side is that I feel I strained relationships when I left ministry, now that I'm not regularly in touch.

I thrive on affirmation, and self-destruct when only negative things are pointed out.

I get crushed when I find out that someone doesn't like me or finds me (or something I do) annoying, and I can't understand why or what I did to be unlikeable.

My wedding date was originally set for August 8, 2008 (save-the-dates and all). Then we changed it to two months earlier, to May 31, 2008. I was oblivious that some people would think that the change was because I was pregnant. I was not. In fact, I was a virgin of any sexual contact until my wedding night. The only thing between the hubs-to-be and I was making out, which lead to heightened temptation to fool around. Which is the real reason we changed the date; we didn't want any pre-marital-ness to happen before we got married. And, Heather wasn't able to make a wedding in all of June and July, and there was no way  I wasn't going to have her there.

I enjoy having figured out sex along with my husband, and I celebrate the glorious ways in which our bodies work together. Mmhmm.

My husband was my first boyfriend. At least by my standards. There was a "boyfriend" in 8th grade, but since it was for a few months and I was 15 years old, I don't count it.

However, that period of time included my first kiss. If that's what you want to call it. He went for tongue. It was terrifying. I don't count it.

In light of that, I have a hard time understanding dating without openly discussing wanting to find out if you want to marry that person, or just dating for dating's sake. This wasn't the reason for staying single throughout high school though of course. I was simultaneously afraid of boys (because "they only want one thing") and I didn't think I was that attractive.

My husband was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I have never been drunk, or even tipsy. So if you ask me, "You know what it's like when you're drunk and..." I will stare at you blankly because I have no idea what that's like.

I generally do not enjoy the taste of alcohol. The only things I can drink and actually enjoy are Malibu and Coke, Ice Wine, Twisted Apple Smirnoff, and Woodchuck's Hard Cider. Just about everything else causes me to make a face you don't want to see.

I have also never smoked, or done drugs.

Since I've never experienced these things, I sometimes feel inadequate to share Christ with folks who drink frequently, smoke like a factory, and/or have sex before they are married. I think that they think I'm on some otherworldly plane and I can't relate to them, so what could I possibly have to say to them. But I just want to love them and look beyond those things. I am not better than, and have my own issues.

I did not grow up going to church, and wasn't raised Christian.

Up till this election, I have been anti-politics because of the discourse between Republicans and Democrats is grating and hateful. I label myself "Independent. Not Independent as in the Party, but Independent voter. I am not undecided; I refuse to pledge allegience to one side or the other, since I see things I agree with and disagree with on both sides. I learned this year that this makes me a swing voter. I also refuse to choose a side because I don't think God favors one over the other.

I like zombies, but do not ever want them to exist in reality. Ever.

I sometimes laugh or get excited disporportionately more than I should to something mildly funny or mildly exciting. Like ice cream and donuts, and nerdy jokes on Big Bang Theory.

I sometimes go along with something an aquaintance or co-worker has said, even though I don't know what they are talking about. Which usually is not a good move.

I somehow make it a point that every new man that I meet know that I am married by mentioning my husband in conversation. While I generally like to talk about my husband anyway, this is kind-of a subconcious reflex to avoid weird encounters and would-be hit-ons.

I detest country music. But, I have a softspot for some folk music.

I've also grown a thick skin against much of "Christian" genre music. A lot of it seems shallow and lacks depth (creatively, or in content). Sorry.

I hate generalities. Such as, "All Christians are ignorant, and abandon logic," or "Feminists are all pro-choice," or "All gay men are pedophiles."

I do not like it when people make assumptions about me or write me off when I say I'm a Christian -- or when anyone says they're a Christian for that matter, or belonging to a particular group. I would much rather have a conversation with you, so I can get to know you and you can get to know me.

I hate gossip, and "christian" gossip disguised as a prayer request. Ever since I was in High School I've never understood why people talk maliciously about others behind their back or spread rumors.

I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of undomesticated mice and rats. If it's in a cage, I think it's cute. If it's running around my kitchen, I think it's awful.

Although I know that God's grace for me is abundant, and He's shown me his care for us time and again, I struggle with accepting his grace and worry about tomorrow.


I think that's enough of my confessions for now. I feel better. I would feel even better if others would join in the conversation and engage the topic of Confession, especially if it bleeds into non-internet conversation.

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time v.2.0

I realized a full day after my last post that I didn't end up finishing my thoughts. Probably because I was at work, and I just wanted to get my post out there RIGHT AWAY.

Whoops.

In the last post, I mentioned how I was finding some ways to make art and that spiralled into questioning my artistic identity. Well, not questioning exactly, but examining the very different methods of creating that I have. It just proves my theory that if I were ever not able to make something for an extended period of time (like the rest of my life), I just might explode. Because I'm spread out in a few different areas, I tend to question the quality of what I'm making. Then again, this is not entirely new. During college I would work on 7 different projects at once (for my Printmaking courses specifically), because there is something in me that HAS to work on multiple projects at once. Settling down and focusing on one thing art-wise has proven to be a difficulty.

Another thing I'm working on right now is not directly about creating. I'm working on pulling together an exhibition. For the record, I've only ever thought of ideas for shows but I've never tried pulling together a group show before; this is going to be a huge learning curve for me. Recently, the President addressed the issue of human trafficking and what our government will do in response to it domestically. While certainly more can be done, I got very excited that this was being addressed at ALL (but disappointed that practically no news stations picked it up). Last week, PBS aired a two-part documentary called Half the Sky that looked at injustice done against women worldwide, including trafficking. I decided: I need to do something about this in a way that I know how. So I'm in the baby-steps phase of pulling together a show based on addressing human trafficking from an artist's perspective. Thankfully I already have a space; now I'm just confirming with the artists I'm interested in having participate, and we'll see what else needs to be done. This won't be until early 2014, so there is plenty of time to work out the kinks, and I'm glad to be working with people who have done this before! I'll write another blog entry another day about human trafficking.. I don't want to get too off topic here.

The other point I mentioned was about desiring a creative/artistic community or folks who can provide helpful feedback and support for what I'm working on. This has been an on-going issue for a few years, but I'm finally at a point where it just needs to happen. Thankfully, an opportunity has come up where someone with more leadership and people-organizing skills than I do wants to start up an artists' group at our church and I'll be helping. The driving force is to provide community and support to artists of faith, and utilizing our gifts to help those around us (within the church and outside of the church). This could mean a lot of different things, and it's something I'll be aiming to explore. The vision includes discussions, critiques, supporting one another by going to other artists' exhibitions/shows/performances etc, and praying for one another and our city. Since I'm blogging from work (again), not all of my thoughts are concentrated to really explain it right now but it's something I'm really looking forward to.


All in all: some really good things are coming together!

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time

Since my last post about wanting more time to work on art, and wanting more community, some things seem to be getting momentum. Kind of.

First, the art. While I'd rather be painting/drawing/taking over the world, I've been putting my creative energy in creating random designs and illustrations for Threadless.com. If you're not familiar, Threadless.com is a sort of online retailer for clothing (shirts, hoodies) and accessories. Their stuff is pretty hip and there are tons of shirts I would love to own, pretending that I am still a care free 24 year old college minister and not a 28 year old who works in a cubicle and wears business-casual clothing 32 hrs a week (for what it's worth, it pays the bills and for another 8 hours, I can wear jeans on Fridays).

Really, though, my job is a blessing and provided by God at a time where we thought we were going to go homeless.

Anyway.

So Threadless.com regularly runs contests for artists to create designs for shirts, and win money if the shirts get printed. It's a pretty sweet system - if your shirt gets picked. Although none of the designs I've submitted have been picked (that I'm aware of) and have received mediocre scoring, it's been a fun process to get some kind of creative juices flowing. Some samples are below.

  

What's interesting about this process, and wanting to get more involved in my painting/drawing (I took a break while it was blazing hot), is that it really underscores the many different variations of art and styles that I have. I have these, which are more illustrative and graphic in nature (back to the kind of things I used to do all the time in highschool & college). I have other things like this that I classify as Just For Fun - the things I'll sell at a craft show or just do it for kicks. I tried explaining this to a gallery owner who I'm friends with, and in whose gallery I've shown some work in the past, and she just kind of laughed and gave me this look like I was a little off my rocker. I also make costume jewelry as a hobby.

And then I make paintings like these:

 

 This kind of work I consider my "serious" work, which doesn't imply I don't have fun making them (although sometimes that is true when I can't get it right), but this work goes more into having legitimate meaning that I hope the viewer will experience. I want these to be contemplated, thought over, and so on.

What I'm wondering is if this puts me in a sort of dilemma. Not a crisis or anything like that, I'm not freaking out about it, but the question arises as to what I should focus my time on and IF I should be worried about that kind of thing anyway. Any other artists run into this multiple-personality-style disorder in their work?

Creative Slacker

A third post in one month? Has someone hijacked Full of Earth & Dirt???

Though no one is seriously asking this question, the answer is: No. I'm just incredibly bored at at work. I've been temping here for a few months and was officially hired today, but since the company needs to reconfigure all of my settings, I literally can't do anything useful today. Putting together another blog entry seems a good way to go. Especially since the entry about my internet wanderings is probably not that interesting, looking back at it. I feel like I have to explain myself whenever I express a wariness of uber-social media. I just don't want Mark Zuckerberg taking over the world by integrating Facebook into every aspect of our lives, which I'm half convinced he's aimed to do -- kind of like Google.

I'm also slightly wary of smart technologies (like Nest, the learning thermostat or the iPod for your home), while simultaneously finding them totally awesome and brilliant. I jump back and forth over a line between "paranoid" and "geek-out." I've watched too many sci-fi movies that explore artificial intelligence's relationship to humans.

Anyway.

I've been in a sort of art-slump for the whole summer, at least in the way of major drawings or paintings. It's been a blazing hot summer, and the room that acts as my studio (slash dining room) is just an uncomfortable place to be (so we've been eating in the living room a lot, too). I have been able to figure out some fun crafts, though, which helped me do my first craft fair ever on July 29th! It was a lot of fun and I hope to do another one someday. Scott keeps saying I should just give up my day job and start doing crafts... thankfully, he is joking.

More after the jump.. click to read on!

Bucket List Revisited

In my resolve to try and do more blogging, I decided to revisit my 30 before 30 Bucket List, considering it was pretty much a year ago since I last took a look at it. There isn't a lot to cross out, and there are things I'd like to change, but let's see what we have here...


1. Live in a place with free laundry

2. Have a grown-up bed, and not a loft bed We put the mattress on our old futon frame. Not a "grown-up bed" but not a loft anymore! That's half the battle. I'm counting this one, since it might be the closest we get to a "grown up" bed!

3. Have an art studio again

4. Seriously pursue having kids

5. Have a consistent exercise/yoga routine - So I was doing yoga consistently last summer, but with the winter and then no longer having a membership through work, I have fallen out of any kind of routine. If I did it once, does it count?
6. Take a self-defense class

7. Take an art course in SOMEthing again -- Although I'd be happy to take a class in anything, what I really want to learn is encaustic painting.

8. Be more at peace with myself and have more joy. - This is not a super solid goal, and really I'm not sure it has a place on a list like this since it's really something I should always be striving for throughout life. I'll have to think of something else that can go here...

9. Go somewhere outside of the US (even just Canada or Mexico)

10. Write at least a draft for the book I've been thinking about. - This needs more structure. I may later change it to something else, since I haven't even begun writing anything.

11. Do a professional photo shoot with hubby. Thanks, Katie Harnish!! I'll share your website as soon as it's finished. :)

12. Own a professional digital camera

13. Find a way to make art & make money in a consistent way - This one is looking promising, since I very recently did my first craft fair and I would really like to do another one!

14. Take Spanish classes that will actually be useful in the real world
15. Join an art collective with friends

16. Cook for others, and with others, more.
17. Volunteer. - I've got some volunteering done, but I'd like to do more. I was helping on and off with an afterschool arts-and-crafts group, and I'd really like to do it again more consistently when it starts again!

18. Ideally, live in a house instead of an apartment.
19. Have a healthier diet / eat less processed foods - I could probably be doing better, but we're much much better than before!
20. Go to a taping of Conan. - No, I didn't go to a taping of Conan, and as much as I adore that strange, lanky red head, this is a goal that is not something I can control. Instead, I think I'd like to Learn Archery, or at least something like it. I've always been fascinated with bows & arrows, and used to make toy ones out of saplings when I was little. Wouldn't mind fiddling with that again.

21. Ride a bike in the city - no, really. I'm terrified to do this. - Seriously considering removing this, because I'm that tense about it.

22. Have better posture or work on my posture.

23. Be less cynical.  - I *think* I'm better at this? Life changes have made me more optimistic about the future, however tumultuous it appears to be!
24. Get a professional massage, or have Scott take a massage class. I'm thinking the former is cheaper. Okay, really, I just want to go get a pro massage.

25. Visit my brother more. - This had some momentum and then suddenly fell off while I was unemployed.

26. Go camping again (it's been a long time!)

27. Have a mini-garden... or be a part of a co-op. ** Part of this would be to learn HOW to garden. -- I have some herbs growing on the window-sill?? -- The herbs growing on my window-sill died. The cactus that was sunning on the window-sill also died. But I have a spider plant that seems to be doing well there... I can't eat it, but it's something? Is that cheating?
28. Go on a Philadelphia Tour, because I don't know jack about the city I live in.

29. Go on a legit picnic, basket and all.

30. Go to the Empire State Building.

The Internet: My Web Wanderings and Present Precautions

One day I might find a good rhythm of writing blog entries. In the meantime, expect the next post to be 4-6 months from now. Actually, maybe sooner; I have too many thoughts swirling in my head, and too much time on my hands at work while waiting for something to do.

As a side note, I decided to see my blog stats, just for fun. No surprise, I don't have many visitors. Definite surprise, I have visitors from Russia, Poland, and Latvia. See, check it out:

So... hello Russia, Poland, and Latvia!
This is a great segue to what I've been wanting to write about for nearly two months. The Internet. It's a pretty amazing technology, really, that lets you connect to anyone anywhere in the world. I've been able to watch evolve over, I don't know, the past 22 years. Although it's not uncommon for a 28 year old to be very familiar with the internet in the US -- or other countries for that matter, as the Olympic opening ceremonies artistically demonstrated, and young activists have proven through Twitter and other social media outlets -- I think the only thing that makes me somewhat more like the generation behind me is that I grew up with a computer in the house. Not many friends of mine have had quite the same experience, having acquired a family computer in their pre-teen to teenage years. I was introduced through a Commodore 64 and whatever came immediately after it (I know it was some Apple product). As much as a child can manage, I became familiar with Microsoft DOS before computers even had a picture based interface and you had to use some fancy combination of keys to do anything at all; and games required multiple floppy disks and were extremely simplistic. I was fascinated, whereas a youngster the same age today would be bored out of his/her skull and unimpressed. If you read on, you get to see how involved this all became.

I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVEEE!

*ahem*
I wouldn't blame you if, after such a pessimistically geared entry back in November, I may have fallen off the face of the earth. This is not the case, nor did I die and reanimate and become the world's first blogging zombie. I've just been busy (and at times feeling much like a zombie).

Which means, since I am blogging again, you can conclude that I am not busy. In fact, I am unemployed AND my husband is on tour with Calling Out Closer as their road manager until mid-May. Yep. Not busy. As you can imagine, I am bored out of my mind. Looking for jobs online can only last so long during a day before I want to poke my eyes out. The unemployment came about because apparently I am not able to balance 25 different things at once. I like that I can be "a great person" and well liked, but I don't like being told that while I'm losing my job, either... It's a great sentiment, and I still like the people I worked with. However, a little monster seizes that thought and laughs with a pointed finger, "You're a nice person but heck if you can't do anything worthwhile!!"

For the most part, I've been successful in squishing that little monster, but I can't help but think that being a nice person doesn't actually get you anywhere. I could bleed kindness all I want, that's not what gets a person employment. However, I'm just not in the business of being cutthroat and undermining people.

So I'm hoping to find a job that is really more along the lines of what I'm passionate about: helping people and/or art. Finding something like this has proven difficult, since it would seem that I am lacking in experience: I haven't been working since the dawn of creation in a particular field, and I am not throwing hundreds and hundreds of dollars at school loans for a degree in graphic-design/web-construction-guru/AdobeSuite-master-of-the-universe. OK, so that last part was mostly for the arts jobs I've been looking at. But it's true that it's been difficult to find even a well paying entry level job that doesn't expect the newbie to be the master of all things. Craigslist is almost not worth it, since most of those jobs are either part time, just above minimum wage, or both. I am not saying I am above working multiple jobs, but I'm trying to avoid it so that I can keep my sanity. Or else I WILL become that zombie I mentioned earlier.

I've been attempting to stay occupied by working on my art. This is going OK so far but I need to come up with other projects to work on because I can really only progress once a week with the "technique" I use. While oil colors are really awesome for blending colors and having a rich and supple look, they take so long to dry. If you're an experienced oil painter, you will probably be able to tell that I am not trained in oil painting, since I'm pretty certain there are oils or chemicals you can add to the paint to make it dry faster. I just don't know what they are, and would be afraid it will change the look of the paint. If you know otherwise, please inform me. Before I was completely unemployed -- my former employer was very kind and generous to give me two months to look for work -- I did create a website. This was to exhibit samples of my work to potential art employers, but I needed to get one up anyway. You can check it out at yvonnevalenza.prosite.com. The section under "Birds of the Air" is a project I've been meaning to get back to, so I can do that while waiting for paint to dry.


I actually don't see this whole period as necessarily bad, though. I mean, it is kind of lousy to be unemployed when I'm the kind of person that needs to be doing something. I don't relax and chill out easily. I'm attempting to use this time to refocus on God and coming closer to Jesus since I've been kind of at arm's distance for quite some time. What I mean is that at one point in my life I would pray every day, eagerly read Scripture if not every day, at least a few times a week. Not saying I "need" to do these things or else God would be very sore with me; no, God doesn't need us to perform for Him to love us fully. What I am saying is that I need it to get back to a more stable equilibrium. Recently Scott and I went to Atlantic City, and while we were there we visited the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum since I'd never been to one. At the very end, the main exit is through a dark tunnel with the walls literally spinning with paint enhancing the effect. It creates an optical illusion while you walk through, making your brain think the room is tilting, making your eyes play tricks on you, so your brain makes your body compensate by leaning. To the observer, the person walking through the tunnel ends up slanting and leaning on the railing. Your equilibrium is thrown off, making you disoriented (and in my cause, nauseous) even though you are conscious of it being an optical illusion. If you stare straight ahead to the other side, you can make it through fine, by the way. I did that and Scott made me walk through it twice because he thought I closed my eyes. (I managed to find a YouTube video of the tunnel, here, if you've never been.)





It's kinda like that, minus the nausea. I need to get back to reading Scripture and praying consistently because I've been disoriented while a whirlwind of things happen around me, and when there's a whirlwind of crazy talk in my head (see the previous post regarding the Death Spiral). This has already been helpful, since I am not freaking out about not having a job right now; I'm just really, really bored. I know that I'll get an answer from someone I've sent my resume to, or that something will come through the temp agency. It's a matter of time. I have also been getting some direction lately about ways to use my gifts, but I'm keeping that to myself right now till I get some more clarity.

Still twiddling my thumbs at times and staring at the computer, wasting time on Facebook or stalking my email and staring at my phone, waiting for a call or an email from a potential employer. Or I'll end up pacing the apartment or chasing the cats BUT I'm trying to stay focused and preoccupied! Heck even writing this blog entry just killed an hour and a half. But I think I'll go outside today. I need some sunshine.

Weary

You know, I was about to start do an entry that was about being weary and with an elaborate explanation about why I probably have been feeling weary the past several weeks. Which then started turning into a moping fest on my end while staring at the screen wondering what I was going to write exactly, and feeling awful while going on a Death Spiral -- you know, the thing that happens when your brain becomes a negativity factory and you can't get out of your head.

I decided I needed to find a different way to write about my weariness, because the other way sure as heck wasn't working.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks, on and off. I've also had a lot of stress in my shoulders and neck - but that's not necessarily a new thing. I've been worrying about the future in ways that are horribly pessimistic. You know: the Death Spiral. It looks like this:

I can't go out with friends because apparently socializing requires money.
I won't be able to get an art studio again, ever.
I won't be able to make money as an artist because I can't get into galleries, because I can't pay for stupid frames or stupid jury fees.
And who would buy my art anyway.
Oh and while we're at it, we will never be able to get a house because we're forever going to be stuck in the city, making enough money to be paycheck to paycheck. And because we'll never have a house we probably won't be able to start a family either.
And therefore we will never progress as human beings. EVER.

.......

I hate that Death Spiral. It looks a lot more sinister than this, of course... like a shifty shadowy figure that turns out to be a werewolf chasing you until you can't breathe. Or something like that. You get the idea.

Needless to say, I've been weary. Now today in church I had a good reminder of what to do when I'm weary: "Come to me," (that's Jesus talking), "all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. But let's just be honest. For the past year I've been having a hard time fully trusting Jesus with my life and future. He's still my Savior, who is the only one who can and did die for my sins (even my sin of worrying and not trusting him), but I am having a heck of a time being hopeful for the future when the job I thought I'd do for a long time - college ministry - was gone. Granted, there is a blessing in being shown why I left ministry. It was sucking the life out of me because I was trying to do it on my own power. God was calling me out of it so I wouldn't shrivel up and die, running around like wonder woman as the only campus minister to an entire school. I always thought that having a flexible schedule was awesome, till it started swallowing up every waking hour. I'll tell you one thing though: I was at my lightest weight while I was running around the city to and from meetings with students! Joking aside, I loved spending time with students, but it all became too overwhelming when I also wanted to spend time with my husband and friends. Since I was trying to do things on my own power, and while I was running around like an idiot, I wasn't exactly spending a lot of time with God. 


With that in mind, yes, leaving college ministry was probably the best thing I could do at the time that I left - as much as it sucked and as I felt like a disappointment/failure to my students. At the same time, leaving ministry derailed the way I thought life was going to go. Suddenly I felt thrown to the wolves. Then I got a job, and I've been very blessed to have the job I have. Yet there's still and underlying notion of being thrown to the wolves because Scott has also had his fair share of having plans dashed to pieces and strangely reassembled but still looking a little askew. Or, rather, it's taking a bit longer to get the plans moving than we both anticipated - for various reasons. 


So, here I am, fretting about what in the world the "plan" is. Do I have goals? I don't feel like I do. I have ephemeral aspirations to do "something," "someday," but it's not well defined and there's hardly a path to get to it. I want to do all the things I mentioned previously, but setting goals for those things is sort of beyond me right now. I feel trapped in one place, and I could really use some help seeing what's around me. Like I need a breath of fresh air, a new vision, a renewing in my heart. I want to be able to say from Proverbs 31: 25 that I am a woman who is clothed in strength and has no fear of the future. 


I guess that's where I am right now. I'm stuck, and weary, and I don't want to be anymore.



 "But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
 ...
 I am full of earth and dirt and You"

There are days I feel like a Pollock painting on the inside.

I've said too many times that I always think of tons of things to blog about and never do, and now suddenly it's October and the last thing I wrote was in July. So we'll move past the self pity regarding blogging and get right to self pity about being an artist.

(just kidding. mostly)

You know how some mornings when you wake up to get ready for work, you have a flood of thoughts all at once about one particular thing, and you don't even know how it got implanted in your brain in the first place? And it bothers you for days? No? Okay, well I experience days like that. Recently, I've been thinking about how why as an artist I create things. In particular, the way a selection of drawings/paintings over the course of the past 10 years looks like totally different people made some of them. Actually, even over the past 5 years since college doesn't altogether count. Regardless, it seems pretty in-cohesive. I'm an artist flailing around in the dark, not really totally sure what I want my art to look like, or continue to look like. I'll push it this way, then the other way, and then enjoy each of what was produced.. then later hate that I can't stick with one style. One day it's, "YES, this is what I want!" and the next it's, "AHHHG WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? I FAIL AS AN ARTIST!" and later regain my composure after walking away.

Then again... I'm three years shy of 30, and I would suspect that most artists don't have a set style until well after that - provided they stick to it. But I could be saying that just to make myself feel better. Not sure. While I have friends who are artists, I'm not actually camped in any kind of immediate art community that is helpful in fine-tuning my direction. The Bible talks about ironing sharpening iron in the means of following Jesus faithfully - sticking to community that helps you stay directed. There's a phrase I've heard ad-nauseam (though I do not disagree with it) since college: A lone ranger Christian doesn't survive. Likewise, I think there's a grain of truth to adjusting the phrase that a lone ranger artist doesn't survive. But that kind of seems like an artist's stereotypical M.O.: the one on the OUTSIDE who is secluded and slaving away in the studio rather than have normal social interactions with other people (actually that sounds very much like many computer geeks as well..hmm). I have friends who are artists, some of who I have astounding relationships with and wouldn't trade them for anything. But somehow we rarely intentionally talk about our art in a way that is helpful, nurturing, and challenging. I think we just don't think of it.

As an aside, there actually there IS a community that gets together that I know of, yet guess what: work gets in my way and they all meet outside the city! Curse being city- and budget-bound! But I digress. There's some rumblings amongst those friends about fixing this problem... so I hope it happens soon. Another problem I noticed from my artist friends is that we have grand ideas that somehow never seem to quite come together -- or at the very least, that's me. I don't know how I ever bring a painting from start to finish with that awful character flaw.

I do have one success out of all this confusion. Or, what I consider a success. I haven't had anyone actually critique this painting before because I'm terrified of what might be said. I started this self-portrait at the end of 2007 and it finally worked its way to being finished in 2009. There are a lot of elements of the finished product that I really liked (one of them is not how well I can do a portrait, yuck) and have utilized in other paintings and I keep trying to figure out ways to push those elements. So.. maybe at long last I will have some kind of cohesive style?













































Hooray! Finished product! Now if I could only get money to submit to art galleries.