(just kidding. mostly)
You know how some mornings when you wake up to get ready for work, you have a flood of thoughts all at once about one particular thing, and you don't even know how it got implanted in your brain in the first place? And it bothers you for days? No? Okay, well I experience days like that. Recently, I've been thinking about how why as an artist I create things. In particular, the way a selection of drawings/paintings over the course of the past 10 years looks like totally different people made some of them. Actually, even over the past 5 years since college doesn't altogether count. Regardless, it seems pretty in-cohesive. I'm an artist flailing around in the dark, not really totally sure what I want my art to look like, or continue to look like. I'll push it this way, then the other way, and then enjoy each of what was produced.. then later hate that I can't stick with one style. One day it's, "YES, this is what I want!" and the next it's, "AHHHG WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? I FAIL AS AN ARTIST!" and later regain my composure after walking away.
Then again... I'm three years shy of 30, and I would suspect that most artists don't have a set style until well after that - provided they stick to it. But I could be saying that just to make myself feel better. Not sure. While I have friends who are artists, I'm not actually camped in any kind of immediate art community that is helpful in fine-tuning my direction. The Bible talks about ironing sharpening iron in the means of following Jesus faithfully - sticking to community that helps you stay directed. There's a phrase I've heard ad-nauseam (though I do not disagree with it) since college: A lone ranger Christian doesn't survive. Likewise, I think there's a grain of truth to adjusting the phrase that a lone ranger artist doesn't survive. But that kind of seems like an artist's stereotypical M.O.: the one on the OUTSIDE who is secluded and slaving away in the studio rather than have normal social interactions with other people (actually that sounds very much like many computer geeks as well..hmm). I have friends who are artists, some of who I have astounding relationships with and wouldn't trade them for anything. But somehow we rarely intentionally talk about our art in a way that is helpful, nurturing, and challenging. I think we just don't think of it.
As an aside, there actually there IS a community that gets together that I know of, yet guess what: work gets in my way and they all meet outside the city! Curse being city- and budget-bound! But I digress. There's some rumblings amongst those friends about fixing this problem... so I hope it happens soon. Another problem I noticed from my artist friends is that we have grand ideas that somehow never seem to quite come together -- or at the very least, that's me. I don't know how I ever bring a painting from start to finish with that awful character flaw.
I do have one success out of all this confusion. Or, what I consider a success. I haven't had anyone actually critique this painting before because I'm terrified of what might be said. I started this self-portrait at the end of 2007 and it finally worked its way to being finished in 2009. There are a lot of elements of the finished product that I really liked (one of them is not how well I can do a portrait, yuck) and have utilized in other paintings and I keep trying to figure out ways to push those elements. So.. maybe at long last I will have some kind of cohesive style?
Hooray! Finished product! Now if I could only get money to submit to art galleries.
