Two more days.
You won't be hearing from me until after our ventures in New Hampshire!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Confessions from a Bride-to-Be
Sunday: 6 days left
A week from today, I will be a Mrs. In some ways, this seems like the craziest thing in the world, and yet at the same time it seems to be the most natural. Many people have asked me if I'm nervous or anxious, which I suppose is an appropriate question, and I suppose there are some things I am nervous and/or anxious about. But overall, the blanketing sense is not anxiety for May 31, 2008 -- or even beyond. I'm not asking myself questions like, "Will I be a good wife?" I'll mess up and do stupid things, and so will he; right now all I can say is to take it in stride. However, I do wonder what it will be like to learn how to love and be loved in a very real and raw way -- to put down self-interest -- beyond anything I have yet experienced.
I've been a sore critic of myself lately and have taken note that I've felt somewhat jaded. If I search within myself I find it hard to say that I am a very compassionate person; I feel areas of my life slightly hardened... Internally, I bark and bite. I blame Philadelphia but I can't put all that much credit to the place I live, although I feel like I was getting more "spiritual progress" when I lived in the suburbs. I'm tired of stamping around cement streets and having only chance opportunities to feel the texture of leaves or grass between my fingertips. I'm also very frustrated and at a loss over a friend who sinned and broke my heart, because she's unrepentant. Geographically, I am far away from her. The go-go-go pace of the city is only feeding into my do-do-do problem (that is to say, I really don't have a clue how to REST), and for all the world I find it hard to turn off the noise in my head to pray. I feel like I'm losing my sensitivity to the Spirit and God's voice, if ever it was developed in the first place. I hunger to have Scott here, for the sake of having ready opportunities to put my heart and my tears and my frustrations received, heard, and processed-- to be put back out to me in consolation, rebuke, encouragement, and accountability.
All the while I know I could use some deeper, healthy female friendships for the same reason. I miss friends from back home.
God is in control, completely and totally, and working His Holy Spirit into my frustrated heart. Philippians 1:6 is often where I ground myself in times like this. A rough translation: he who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I know He will work these things out if I give Him the chance. This past week I went to a ministry training event (it lasted all week) and while it was very restorative (praise God!), it was also very revealing about these kinds of things. Especially the resting and prayer part. I went to a class that was about Ignatian Spirituality, and monastic prayer; it was very insightful and I can't help but think that the opportunity to look at Scripture and Prayer in a different way was from God.
All of these things flounder around my joy in preparing to be the wife of a wonderful, loving man. There are many, many others but these are the kind of things that are saved for private knowledge, not public knowledge, as Blogs tend to be more public than I think anyone ever really *wants* them to be.
6 days. Ever since I met Scott, life hasn't been the same; God has done quite a bit of stretching in me for the past year and a half. But in 6 days, 144 (actually, less than that), one of the biggest transitions will be made in my adult life will happen. Life as I know it will never be the same; where there is two, there will be one... Two lives coming together under one roof, thinking about the other for all kinds of things (groceries, laundry, etc). That is what makes it crazy. The natural part is that I couldn't imagine having it any other way.
And that's okay with me.
A week from today, I will be a Mrs. In some ways, this seems like the craziest thing in the world, and yet at the same time it seems to be the most natural. Many people have asked me if I'm nervous or anxious, which I suppose is an appropriate question, and I suppose there are some things I am nervous and/or anxious about. But overall, the blanketing sense is not anxiety for May 31, 2008 -- or even beyond. I'm not asking myself questions like, "Will I be a good wife?" I'll mess up and do stupid things, and so will he; right now all I can say is to take it in stride. However, I do wonder what it will be like to learn how to love and be loved in a very real and raw way -- to put down self-interest -- beyond anything I have yet experienced.
I've been a sore critic of myself lately and have taken note that I've felt somewhat jaded. If I search within myself I find it hard to say that I am a very compassionate person; I feel areas of my life slightly hardened... Internally, I bark and bite. I blame Philadelphia but I can't put all that much credit to the place I live, although I feel like I was getting more "spiritual progress" when I lived in the suburbs. I'm tired of stamping around cement streets and having only chance opportunities to feel the texture of leaves or grass between my fingertips. I'm also very frustrated and at a loss over a friend who sinned and broke my heart, because she's unrepentant. Geographically, I am far away from her. The go-go-go pace of the city is only feeding into my do-do-do problem (that is to say, I really don't have a clue how to REST), and for all the world I find it hard to turn off the noise in my head to pray. I feel like I'm losing my sensitivity to the Spirit and God's voice, if ever it was developed in the first place. I hunger to have Scott here, for the sake of having ready opportunities to put my heart and my tears and my frustrations received, heard, and processed-- to be put back out to me in consolation, rebuke, encouragement, and accountability.
All the while I know I could use some deeper, healthy female friendships for the same reason. I miss friends from back home.
God is in control, completely and totally, and working His Holy Spirit into my frustrated heart. Philippians 1:6 is often where I ground myself in times like this. A rough translation: he who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I know He will work these things out if I give Him the chance. This past week I went to a ministry training event (it lasted all week) and while it was very restorative (praise God!), it was also very revealing about these kinds of things. Especially the resting and prayer part. I went to a class that was about Ignatian Spirituality, and monastic prayer; it was very insightful and I can't help but think that the opportunity to look at Scripture and Prayer in a different way was from God.
All of these things flounder around my joy in preparing to be the wife of a wonderful, loving man. There are many, many others but these are the kind of things that are saved for private knowledge, not public knowledge, as Blogs tend to be more public than I think anyone ever really *wants* them to be.
6 days. Ever since I met Scott, life hasn't been the same; God has done quite a bit of stretching in me for the past year and a half. But in 6 days, 144 (actually, less than that), one of the biggest transitions will be made in my adult life will happen. Life as I know it will never be the same; where there is two, there will be one... Two lives coming together under one roof, thinking about the other for all kinds of things (groceries, laundry, etc). That is what makes it crazy. The natural part is that I couldn't imagine having it any other way.
And that's okay with me.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
17 Days
17 days.
Last night Scott and I met up with our pastor friend (John Studenroth) who is going to marry us, to go over ceremony order and vows for the first time.
Tomorrow we're aiming to pick up our marriage license at City Hall.
Wow.
17 days!!
Last night Scott and I met up with our pastor friend (John Studenroth) who is going to marry us, to go over ceremony order and vows for the first time.
Tomorrow we're aiming to pick up our marriage license at City Hall.
Wow.
17 days!!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Puritanism
As I'm slowly reading through my church history book, I *finally* got to the reformation several weeks ago and have moved on since Luther, Calvin, Mennonites, and all that. Currently, they're talking about the Puritans. Here's an excerpt from Church History in Plain Language, pg 192
Points I agree with here: 1. spiritual conversion crucial to Christianity, 2. the reception of God's grace and the experience with God is beyond the church's control. There's more, but that's what I've got so far.
P.S. 21 days to go!
Chapter 30: The Rule of the Saints
Puritanism: New Life and New World
… In modern times, marked by zeal for individual rights and sexual freedom, “puritan” has come to mean “holy Joe,” a religious snob, filled with fears of sex, who does his best to keep people from having fun. This view of the “puritan” as a moss-backed moralist captured popular thinking in the backlash of Victorian stuffiness. Early in the twentieth century American journalist H.L. Mencken summed up the popular image in his quip that Puritanism was “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”
But is that fair? What was Puritanism originally? Whatever it was, it was not straight-laced. It stood for change and a new day in England. The first Puritans had little confidence in traditional religion. Their plans for a new England arose from a deep conviction that spiritual conversion was crucial to Christianity. This rebirth separated the Puritan from the mass of mankind and endowed him with privileges and the duties of the elect of God. The church may prepare a man for this experience, and, after it, the church may guide him, but the heart of the experience, the reception of the grace of God, is beyond the church’s control.
Points I agree with here: 1. spiritual conversion crucial to Christianity, 2. the reception of God's grace and the experience with God is beyond the church's control. There's more, but that's what I've got so far.
P.S. 21 days to go!
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
24 days
Just keeping you up to speed...
Finally have a pastor. Praise the Lord! Now time to work out all the details...
Finally have a pastor. Praise the Lord! Now time to work out all the details...
Saturday, May 03, 2008
28 Days
Since I'm taking some time to procrastinate, I may as well write up a blog entry.
Wedding planning has not necessarily been a stressful adventure for me. Actually, it's probably been the kind of adventure that is very typical of me: meandering and changing. We'd been set to marry August 9th outside of Philadelphia with a lot of frills. Then we decided to change the format of the "frills" and make it less because let's face it: I'm not into frills. While we were trying to figure out how to change that, the date was bumped up to May 31st, and then the location changed to California to be closer to my parents. Then not long after that change, the location changed back to outside of Philadelphia. Thankfully, the date has not changed again! *whew!* Quite a run around, right? The major things are taken care of, so it's just a matter of details.
So, this means I'm getting married in 28 days.
28 Days.
I've been counting down consistently over the past week or more. 28 days after today, I will be a wife; I will have a husband; I'll be one with another; I'll be learning how to live with a man that's not my father or my brother. I'll be learning in a very solid way what it means to love, submit, compromise, sacrifice, and more. I'll be able to see Scott nearly every day.
You know, sometimes it seems really surreal. Like today, for example. In about three hours I have a bridal shower. What? Me? Bridal shower?? This is not a bad thing... there's so much joy and gratitude towards God for what's happening. It's almost too good to be really happening. If I'm like this 28 days before, imagine what I'll be like 5 days before! Will it seem surreal the next day? the week following? Will I be caught off guard in a disarming, pleasant way when I wake up in the morning with Scott by my side?
I don't write too many entries like this, but I'm allowed to now and then. I'm not saying all things will be rosey and dreamy... I'm sure there are things that will be really hard and complicated that we have to sort out. That's kind of a given. But you learn through it and you work at it; that's what a relationship and commitment is about. You don't just throw up your arms and say "I give up!" and let the problem settle deep. Through bad times and good times, through very dark times and very light times... you work through it. You pray for mercy, compassion, honesty, humility. All the same, I hope I never cease to wonder over and delight in Scott like I do when I get to see him after not seeing him for a week or more.
Okay. I'm done. :)
Wedding planning has not necessarily been a stressful adventure for me. Actually, it's probably been the kind of adventure that is very typical of me: meandering and changing. We'd been set to marry August 9th outside of Philadelphia with a lot of frills. Then we decided to change the format of the "frills" and make it less because let's face it: I'm not into frills. While we were trying to figure out how to change that, the date was bumped up to May 31st, and then the location changed to California to be closer to my parents. Then not long after that change, the location changed back to outside of Philadelphia. Thankfully, the date has not changed again! *whew!* Quite a run around, right? The major things are taken care of, so it's just a matter of details.
So, this means I'm getting married in 28 days.
28 Days.
I've been counting down consistently over the past week or more. 28 days after today, I will be a wife; I will have a husband; I'll be one with another; I'll be learning how to live with a man that's not my father or my brother. I'll be learning in a very solid way what it means to love, submit, compromise, sacrifice, and more. I'll be able to see Scott nearly every day.
You know, sometimes it seems really surreal. Like today, for example. In about three hours I have a bridal shower. What? Me? Bridal shower?? This is not a bad thing... there's so much joy and gratitude towards God for what's happening. It's almost too good to be really happening. If I'm like this 28 days before, imagine what I'll be like 5 days before! Will it seem surreal the next day? the week following? Will I be caught off guard in a disarming, pleasant way when I wake up in the morning with Scott by my side?
I don't write too many entries like this, but I'm allowed to now and then. I'm not saying all things will be rosey and dreamy... I'm sure there are things that will be really hard and complicated that we have to sort out. That's kind of a given. But you learn through it and you work at it; that's what a relationship and commitment is about. You don't just throw up your arms and say "I give up!" and let the problem settle deep. Through bad times and good times, through very dark times and very light times... you work through it. You pray for mercy, compassion, honesty, humility. All the same, I hope I never cease to wonder over and delight in Scott like I do when I get to see him after not seeing him for a week or more.
Okay. I'm done. :)
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