Sunday: 6 days left
A week from today, I will be a Mrs. In some ways, this seems like the craziest thing in the world, and yet at the same time it seems to be the most natural. Many people have asked me if I'm nervous or anxious, which I suppose is an appropriate question, and I suppose there are some things I am nervous and/or anxious about. But overall, the blanketing sense is not anxiety for May 31, 2008 -- or even beyond. I'm not asking myself questions like, "Will I be a good wife?" I'll mess up and do stupid things, and so will he; right now all I can say is to take it in stride. However, I do wonder what it will be like to learn how to love and be loved in a very real and raw way -- to put down self-interest -- beyond anything I have yet experienced.
I've been a sore critic of myself lately and have taken note that I've felt somewhat jaded. If I search within myself I find it hard to say that I am a very compassionate person; I feel areas of my life slightly hardened... Internally, I bark and bite. I blame Philadelphia but I can't put all that much credit to the place I live, although I feel like I was getting more "spiritual progress" when I lived in the suburbs. I'm tired of stamping around cement streets and having only chance opportunities to feel the texture of leaves or grass between my fingertips. I'm also very frustrated and at a loss over a friend who sinned and broke my heart, because she's unrepentant. Geographically, I am far away from her. The go-go-go pace of the city is only feeding into my do-do-do problem (that is to say, I really don't have a clue how to REST), and for all the world I find it hard to turn off the noise in my head to pray. I feel like I'm losing my sensitivity to the Spirit and God's voice, if ever it was developed in the first place. I hunger to have Scott here, for the sake of having ready opportunities to put my heart and my tears and my frustrations received, heard, and processed-- to be put back out to me in consolation, rebuke, encouragement, and accountability.
All the while I know I could use some deeper, healthy female friendships for the same reason. I miss friends from back home.
God is in control, completely and totally, and working His Holy Spirit into my frustrated heart. Philippians 1:6 is often where I ground myself in times like this. A rough translation: he who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I know He will work these things out if I give Him the chance. This past week I went to a ministry training event (it lasted all week) and while it was very restorative (praise God!), it was also very revealing about these kinds of things. Especially the resting and prayer part. I went to a class that was about Ignatian Spirituality, and monastic prayer; it was very insightful and I can't help but think that the opportunity to look at Scripture and Prayer in a different way was from God.
All of these things flounder around my joy in preparing to be the wife of a wonderful, loving man. There are many, many others but these are the kind of things that are saved for private knowledge, not public knowledge, as Blogs tend to be more public than I think anyone ever really *wants* them to be.
6 days. Ever since I met Scott, life hasn't been the same; God has done quite a bit of stretching in me for the past year and a half. But in 6 days, 144 (actually, less than that), one of the biggest transitions will be made in my adult life will happen. Life as I know it will never be the same; where there is two, there will be one... Two lives coming together under one roof, thinking about the other for all kinds of things (groceries, laundry, etc). That is what makes it crazy. The natural part is that I couldn't imagine having it any other way.
And that's okay with me.
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