You know, I was about to start do an entry that was about being weary and with an elaborate explanation about why I probably have been feeling weary the past several weeks. Which then started turning into a moping fest on my end while staring at the screen wondering what I was going to write exactly, and feeling awful while going on a Death Spiral -- you know, the thing that happens when your brain becomes a negativity factory and you can't get out of your head.
I decided I needed to find a different way to write about my weariness, because the other way sure as heck wasn't working.
I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks, on and off. I've also had a lot of stress in my shoulders and neck - but that's not necessarily a new thing. I've been worrying about the future in ways that are horribly pessimistic. You know: the Death Spiral. It looks like this:
I can't go out with friends because apparently socializing requires money.
I won't be able to get an art studio again, ever.
I won't be able to make money as an artist because I can't get into galleries, because I can't pay for stupid frames or stupid jury fees.
And who would buy my art anyway.
Oh and while we're at it, we will never be able to get a house because we're forever going to be stuck in the city, making enough money to be paycheck to paycheck. And because we'll never have a house we probably won't be able to start a family either.
And therefore we will never progress as human beings. EVER.
.......
I hate that Death Spiral. It looks a lot more sinister than this, of course... like a shifty shadowy figure that turns out to be a werewolf chasing you until you can't breathe. Or something like that. You get the idea.
Needless to say, I've been weary. Now today in church I had a good reminder of what to do when I'm weary: "Come to me," (that's Jesus talking), "all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28. But let's just be honest. For the past year I've been having a hard time fully trusting Jesus with my life and future. He's still my Savior, who is the only one who can and did die for my sins (even my sin of worrying and not trusting him), but I am having a heck of a time being hopeful for the future when the job I thought I'd do for a long time - college ministry - was gone. Granted, there is a blessing in being shown why I left ministry. It was sucking the life out of me because I was trying to do it on my own power. God was calling me out of it so I wouldn't shrivel up and die, running around like wonder woman as the only campus minister to an entire school. I always thought that having a flexible schedule was awesome, till it started swallowing up every waking hour. I'll tell you one thing though: I was at my lightest weight while I was running around the city to and from meetings with students! Joking aside, I loved spending time with students, but it all became too overwhelming when I also wanted to spend time with my husband and friends. Since I was trying to do things on my own power, and while I was running around like an idiot, I wasn't exactly spending a lot of time with God.
With that in mind, yes, leaving college ministry was probably the best thing I could do at the time that I left - as much as it sucked and as I felt like a disappointment/failure to my students. At the same time, leaving ministry derailed the way I thought life was going to go. Suddenly I felt thrown to the wolves. Then I got a job, and I've been very blessed to have the job I have. Yet there's still and underlying notion of being thrown to the wolves because Scott has also had his fair share of having plans dashed to pieces and strangely reassembled but still looking a little askew. Or, rather, it's taking a bit longer to get the plans moving than we both anticipated - for various reasons.
So, here I am, fretting about what in the world the "plan" is. Do I have goals? I don't feel like I do. I have ephemeral aspirations to do "something," "someday," but it's not well defined and there's hardly a path to get to it. I want to do all the things I mentioned previously, but setting goals for those things is sort of beyond me right now. I feel trapped in one place, and I could really use some help seeing what's around me. Like I need a breath of fresh air, a new vision, a renewing in my heart. I want to be able to say from Proverbs 31: 25 that I am a woman who is clothed in strength and has no fear of the future.
I guess that's where I am right now. I'm stuck, and weary, and I don't want to be anymore.
"But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
...
I am full of earth and dirt and You"
