Full of Dirt: Confessions

I've been meaning to get around to making this post since my soul sister and missionary Heather wrote her own list of confessions in July.

The word "confession" is one that, on the surface, might bring a chill up your spine or flashbacks from a Catholic upbringing -- so I hear. I wasn't raised Catholic or really in any church at all, so I don't know. It's also a word that seems to have gotten tossed around in pop culture biographies.

It's a word I've become very familiar with over the past 11 years of being a follower of Jesus. Unlike the beds of suspicion I usually hear the word in (that is, outside of my church community), I have a pretty positive take on Confession. Admitting the truth of an otherwise hidden deed can be freeing. Scritpurally, I'm pretty down with the idea with confessing my hidden deeds (sin or wrestlings) to God. I agree that I should go to my brothers and sisters and confess what I struggle with. James 5:16, "...Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

However, despite my cozy attitude toward confession I wrestle with actually doing it. Just like anyone else, I prefer to keep my weaknesses to myself. Likewise, I am not always as transparent; for fear of being judged or harped on or rejected I keep my thoughts to myself. This is not an altogether bad thing, but the motivation behind it isn't so awesome.
So, here are a few confessions:


I am a closet pessimist. I will look for the good in just about anything other than my own circumstances, most of the time. So although I will tell you that things will get better and there is a purpose for whatever it is that's happening, I will tell myself that I am forever stuck.

Every now and then, I'll wonder what life would be like had I not decided to go to college and studied fine arts. Say, if I actually went and did psychology or biology (my 2nd and 3rd choices, had I not made it into the art program). I do this if I'm particularly pessimistic at that moment.

I apparently have a love affair with rules. Or at least, traffic laws, which has become glaringly apparent now that I commute via vehicle to work.

I catch myself being judgemental in my head, and I try to remember to tell myself to knock it off.

I think the meanest thing I've ever said to someone (that was not my brother) was when I was still in elementary school in Texas. There was an African American girl who hurt my feelings and I mocked her for being adopted. I will never forget the pain in her face, and I've avoided being mean to others ever since. I have never told anyone this story.

I like tattoos and piercings. This is nothing new to anyone who knows me. But it gets under my skin (harhar) when other Christians whip out Bible verses they think are about tattoos and piercings today. If it applied the way people think it does, men also ought not cut their hair or trim their beards, and the whole lot of us shouldn't wear cotton/spandex blended clothing.

I love Star Trek. Preferably, The Next Generation and good old Captain Picard, the Borg, and the lovely Q.

I like video games, and I'm actually pretty into RPG's but only RPG video games. No D&D'ing for me.

I'm more insecure than I like to let on.

I used to be ready to be friends with anybody for life. When I hear that an old friend (who I haven't talked to in a long time) is in the area but I don't find out about it until weeks later, it used to hurt as if it were a breach in friendship. It's been hard to accept that the nature of friendships I had in college don't define the nature of those friendships now. I'm better with that, but the flip side is that I'm more guarded in who I establish friendships with.

Similarly, I feel as though I damaged friendships when I was support raising while ministering to college students. The flip side is that I feel I strained relationships when I left ministry, now that I'm not regularly in touch.

I thrive on affirmation, and self-destruct when only negative things are pointed out.

I get crushed when I find out that someone doesn't like me or finds me (or something I do) annoying, and I can't understand why or what I did to be unlikeable.

My wedding date was originally set for August 8, 2008 (save-the-dates and all). Then we changed it to two months earlier, to May 31, 2008. I was oblivious that some people would think that the change was because I was pregnant. I was not. In fact, I was a virgin of any sexual contact until my wedding night. The only thing between the hubs-to-be and I was making out, which lead to heightened temptation to fool around. Which is the real reason we changed the date; we didn't want any pre-marital-ness to happen before we got married. And, Heather wasn't able to make a wedding in all of June and July, and there was no way  I wasn't going to have her there.

I enjoy having figured out sex along with my husband, and I celebrate the glorious ways in which our bodies work together. Mmhmm.

My husband was my first boyfriend. At least by my standards. There was a "boyfriend" in 8th grade, but since it was for a few months and I was 15 years old, I don't count it.

However, that period of time included my first kiss. If that's what you want to call it. He went for tongue. It was terrifying. I don't count it.

In light of that, I have a hard time understanding dating without openly discussing wanting to find out if you want to marry that person, or just dating for dating's sake. This wasn't the reason for staying single throughout high school though of course. I was simultaneously afraid of boys (because "they only want one thing") and I didn't think I was that attractive.

My husband was the first guy to tell me I was beautiful and wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I have never been drunk, or even tipsy. So if you ask me, "You know what it's like when you're drunk and..." I will stare at you blankly because I have no idea what that's like.

I generally do not enjoy the taste of alcohol. The only things I can drink and actually enjoy are Malibu and Coke, Ice Wine, Twisted Apple Smirnoff, and Woodchuck's Hard Cider. Just about everything else causes me to make a face you don't want to see.

I have also never smoked, or done drugs.

Since I've never experienced these things, I sometimes feel inadequate to share Christ with folks who drink frequently, smoke like a factory, and/or have sex before they are married. I think that they think I'm on some otherworldly plane and I can't relate to them, so what could I possibly have to say to them. But I just want to love them and look beyond those things. I am not better than, and have my own issues.

I did not grow up going to church, and wasn't raised Christian.

Up till this election, I have been anti-politics because of the discourse between Republicans and Democrats is grating and hateful. I label myself "Independent. Not Independent as in the Party, but Independent voter. I am not undecided; I refuse to pledge allegience to one side or the other, since I see things I agree with and disagree with on both sides. I learned this year that this makes me a swing voter. I also refuse to choose a side because I don't think God favors one over the other.

I like zombies, but do not ever want them to exist in reality. Ever.

I sometimes laugh or get excited disporportionately more than I should to something mildly funny or mildly exciting. Like ice cream and donuts, and nerdy jokes on Big Bang Theory.

I sometimes go along with something an aquaintance or co-worker has said, even though I don't know what they are talking about. Which usually is not a good move.

I somehow make it a point that every new man that I meet know that I am married by mentioning my husband in conversation. While I generally like to talk about my husband anyway, this is kind-of a subconcious reflex to avoid weird encounters and would-be hit-ons.

I detest country music. But, I have a softspot for some folk music.

I've also grown a thick skin against much of "Christian" genre music. A lot of it seems shallow and lacks depth (creatively, or in content). Sorry.

I hate generalities. Such as, "All Christians are ignorant, and abandon logic," or "Feminists are all pro-choice," or "All gay men are pedophiles."

I do not like it when people make assumptions about me or write me off when I say I'm a Christian -- or when anyone says they're a Christian for that matter, or belonging to a particular group. I would much rather have a conversation with you, so I can get to know you and you can get to know me.

I hate gossip, and "christian" gossip disguised as a prayer request. Ever since I was in High School I've never understood why people talk maliciously about others behind their back or spread rumors.

I hate to admit it, but I am afraid of undomesticated mice and rats. If it's in a cage, I think it's cute. If it's running around my kitchen, I think it's awful.

Although I know that God's grace for me is abundant, and He's shown me his care for us time and again, I struggle with accepting his grace and worry about tomorrow.


I think that's enough of my confessions for now. I feel better. I would feel even better if others would join in the conversation and engage the topic of Confession, especially if it bleeds into non-internet conversation.

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time v.2.0

I realized a full day after my last post that I didn't end up finishing my thoughts. Probably because I was at work, and I just wanted to get my post out there RIGHT AWAY.

Whoops.

In the last post, I mentioned how I was finding some ways to make art and that spiralled into questioning my artistic identity. Well, not questioning exactly, but examining the very different methods of creating that I have. It just proves my theory that if I were ever not able to make something for an extended period of time (like the rest of my life), I just might explode. Because I'm spread out in a few different areas, I tend to question the quality of what I'm making. Then again, this is not entirely new. During college I would work on 7 different projects at once (for my Printmaking courses specifically), because there is something in me that HAS to work on multiple projects at once. Settling down and focusing on one thing art-wise has proven to be a difficulty.

Another thing I'm working on right now is not directly about creating. I'm working on pulling together an exhibition. For the record, I've only ever thought of ideas for shows but I've never tried pulling together a group show before; this is going to be a huge learning curve for me. Recently, the President addressed the issue of human trafficking and what our government will do in response to it domestically. While certainly more can be done, I got very excited that this was being addressed at ALL (but disappointed that practically no news stations picked it up). Last week, PBS aired a two-part documentary called Half the Sky that looked at injustice done against women worldwide, including trafficking. I decided: I need to do something about this in a way that I know how. So I'm in the baby-steps phase of pulling together a show based on addressing human trafficking from an artist's perspective. Thankfully I already have a space; now I'm just confirming with the artists I'm interested in having participate, and we'll see what else needs to be done. This won't be until early 2014, so there is plenty of time to work out the kinks, and I'm glad to be working with people who have done this before! I'll write another blog entry another day about human trafficking.. I don't want to get too off topic here.

The other point I mentioned was about desiring a creative/artistic community or folks who can provide helpful feedback and support for what I'm working on. This has been an on-going issue for a few years, but I'm finally at a point where it just needs to happen. Thankfully, an opportunity has come up where someone with more leadership and people-organizing skills than I do wants to start up an artists' group at our church and I'll be helping. The driving force is to provide community and support to artists of faith, and utilizing our gifts to help those around us (within the church and outside of the church). This could mean a lot of different things, and it's something I'll be aiming to explore. The vision includes discussions, critiques, supporting one another by going to other artists' exhibitions/shows/performances etc, and praying for one another and our city. Since I'm blogging from work (again), not all of my thoughts are concentrated to really explain it right now but it's something I'm really looking forward to.


All in all: some really good things are coming together!

Looking for Direction, Inspiration, and Time

Since my last post about wanting more time to work on art, and wanting more community, some things seem to be getting momentum. Kind of.

First, the art. While I'd rather be painting/drawing/taking over the world, I've been putting my creative energy in creating random designs and illustrations for Threadless.com. If you're not familiar, Threadless.com is a sort of online retailer for clothing (shirts, hoodies) and accessories. Their stuff is pretty hip and there are tons of shirts I would love to own, pretending that I am still a care free 24 year old college minister and not a 28 year old who works in a cubicle and wears business-casual clothing 32 hrs a week (for what it's worth, it pays the bills and for another 8 hours, I can wear jeans on Fridays).

Really, though, my job is a blessing and provided by God at a time where we thought we were going to go homeless.

Anyway.

So Threadless.com regularly runs contests for artists to create designs for shirts, and win money if the shirts get printed. It's a pretty sweet system - if your shirt gets picked. Although none of the designs I've submitted have been picked (that I'm aware of) and have received mediocre scoring, it's been a fun process to get some kind of creative juices flowing. Some samples are below.

  

What's interesting about this process, and wanting to get more involved in my painting/drawing (I took a break while it was blazing hot), is that it really underscores the many different variations of art and styles that I have. I have these, which are more illustrative and graphic in nature (back to the kind of things I used to do all the time in highschool & college). I have other things like this that I classify as Just For Fun - the things I'll sell at a craft show or just do it for kicks. I tried explaining this to a gallery owner who I'm friends with, and in whose gallery I've shown some work in the past, and she just kind of laughed and gave me this look like I was a little off my rocker. I also make costume jewelry as a hobby.

And then I make paintings like these:

 

 This kind of work I consider my "serious" work, which doesn't imply I don't have fun making them (although sometimes that is true when I can't get it right), but this work goes more into having legitimate meaning that I hope the viewer will experience. I want these to be contemplated, thought over, and so on.

What I'm wondering is if this puts me in a sort of dilemma. Not a crisis or anything like that, I'm not freaking out about it, but the question arises as to what I should focus my time on and IF I should be worried about that kind of thing anyway. Any other artists run into this multiple-personality-style disorder in their work?