The Itch

So today I had the opportunity to wonder around Ye Olde Kutztowne Universite ... (if you end everything in and 'e,' it makes it look fancy). Good to see some friends, good to see some professors. I managed to run into my friend Amy earlier than expected, so I sauntered into her painting class with her to see what kind of stuff she's been up to this semester.
Abstract, more than it was before.

But now that I've been exposed to people making art, the only thing I wanted to do for the rest of the day was make art. Sadly, I didn't get out of KU until 9ish, got home at 9:30, and I've been buzzing around for the rest of the night wasting my time on the computer and messing with packaging my print to send off to DC. And now I'm in a dilemma, which I've so pointlessly decided to express on my blog. I'm faced with two choices:

a. I want to sleep.
b. I want to make art like woah.

I love that sensation that I get when I just feel the need to make art. It's almost as though all the little art-atoms in my body have come rushing to breach the surface of my skin, desparate to find a way out. At the same time, my day is going to be craaaaaaaaazzzy busy tomorrow... maybe I can find a happy compromise.

I think it's about time to let the art-atoms loose. In the mean time, have a go at my art statement for the DC show:

In Christian tradition, a dove, spotless and without blemish, has been symbolic of the third person of the Trinity: the Holy Spirit. In Heavy, the dove depicted is marred by a dark red stain meant to be indicative of not the Holy Spirit, but the Human Spirit. We are a wounded people, unaware of the many ways in which we are internally afflicted.
The most revered character of a bird is flight. This ability has trigged yearnings in humans throughout history; flight may well be the epitome of physical as well as spiritual freedom. We are grieved by the handicap of a bird that can’t fly, knowing well that the longing for freedom is as deeply ingrained within us as it is in the bird. The burdens within the human spirit are as heavy as stones to a bird -- we are both desperate to be free of our restraints. Yet there is little we can do to remove these burdens when left to our own devices. We can try to hide them. We can pretend they don’t exist. They still remain all the same.
With these wounds and burdens, flight is hindered; life is not the way it is meant to be. The only relief is to go to one who is greater. It is well worth the struggle to reach that source.

That's for all of y'all who won't be able to make it to the show... It's opening on the 23rd of October, and lasting until December 15th! I'm so excited!

Exposing what's beneath

So this weekend I was in Philadelphia to go to the Church Studios to meet up with the artists there and to join up with the two other candidate artists for studio space. I was going down to choose which space I wanted (yeeeeeeeessss), and also meet the other two candidates: Scott and Lynne. I wasn't expecting Lynne, Rubens' wife, to be one of the artists! That was a delightful surprise, and even better is that she and I will be sharing the big room, which is beautiful. That space is awesome. Sharing the space with Lynne will be awesome... I'm pretty pumped about that; although really, I was pumped about the opportunity to have a studio with the Church since day one. Things are falling into place, but there are quite a few things I have to remind myself of... first and foremost is that the space is not really MY space. It's God's space, lent to a church, who is lending it to me. I think that up to this point I haven't entirely been focused on that fact, and I'll probably lapse now and then.... hopefully not that often.

Today I went to Olivet for a service and later hung around while folks went through the Studios for the Fairmont Arts Crawl. All I really did was sit around and socialize; I wanted to spend some time with the artists I'll be coming in to join... as if to get used to the idea. I'm not sure if it has entirely sunk in that I will have a studio space to make my art in. It probably hasn't sunk in just because I haven't moved yet. I never really picked up the phrase 'chomping at the bit' when it came to the eager desire to do something, but friends let me tell you, I am chomping the bit and biting my tongue in my want to move to Philly. But, God is having me wait... which in some ways is kind of annoying, but I know that He knows what's good for me. I know He has a purpose in having me wait.


Today on my ride back, I got to thinking about a lot of things. Right before I left the Studios, Rubens and I got to talking about his dad and my mom--loved ones of ours who have passed away--and how it's reflected in our creative process. I hadn't really thought about that before... not too in depth. I said to him that "I don't want to go there," in regards to why I think I don't put much thought into how my mother's passing impacts my art. It probably does in a number of ways and I just don't realize it. A few of my poems have reflected the loss for sure,intentionally. I don't talk about my mother's death often, probably out of an interest to not focus on it. I went through the phase of recovering quickly and later grieving heavily, so it's not like that. I guess it's hard for me to find people who relate, so I just don't bring it up.


At any rate, there's only one piece that I know had the intention of outletting the loss, but I'm not fully pleased by the results. The figure in the background of the second half is just... so... well, it's just not painted well at all. The hands look fine, but the bust looks shabby. If I could do away with that part of it altogether, I think it would look much better. Maybe I'll figure out a way to do that. But I digress.

While I was driving home I was trying to think of the different things that make me think of my mom.. and what could be done with them artistically. But here's a few things...
-Songs: Que Sara Sara, which she always sung; Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Judy Garland style since we always watched the Wizard of Oz together; Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin; Crash and Burn by Savage Garden because that was the first song I heard the morning afterward.
-Cicadas... Trains... Horses... many of the things that remind me of Texas remind me of my mother.
-Spearmint Gum.. which really reminds me of a man named Dean who was a deacon at the Lutheren church she went to, but I remember clear as day walking out of church with mom and Dean asking if I would like a piece of gum.
-The Wizard of Oz and Judy Garland
-Puffy clouds: my mother made a painting of a blue sky with some puffy clouds. My grandmother sent me the painting, so I own it. My mom actually did a little bit of art herself, and I have some if it because her mother sent it to me...

I wish I knew more about mom than I do. Any time a wave of quiet grief comes to me, it's because I miss her, but it's also because I grieve missing the opportunity to get to know her better.

I have this old jewelry box that she used to own... also sent to me by my grandmother. As I was driving, I thought of a few art ideas; one that I'd thought of before was utilizing the different things that I have of her's... Kind of like artifacts. But then it would become more of an installation, and that's something totally outside of my realm. It would be weird, but a lot of the things sent to me I just don't know what to do with. I wonder if it would just be eerie to do an installation of the belongings of a passed loved one, anyway.
But, anyhow, this one idea came to me to do something with the jewelry box and this thing I've been wanting to do with making light boxes. I haven't quite figured it out of course. Part of me would want to take out all the drawers of the jewelry box and figure out how to make tiny light boxes.. which in all reality, I don't think it would be that hard. ... The hard one is figuring out how to keep the drawers intact and make a lightbox out of the drawers themselves, able to still slide in and out of the case. Wouldn't know how to do that.
Wouldn't know what imagery I'd use.
Would it be too corney? Too predictable? Is it something worth pursuing?

I can only shrug my shoulders; I don't know. The idea of doing something intentional like that kind of scares me, honestly. It's still beneath all of my layers and it's like I don't want anyone to see it; but at the same time I want it out.

-Y

The most important things in life

"So are you with anyone right now?" He looked over the menu while casually asking the question of whether or not I was currently in a relationship. Why is it that this is one of the first questions a friend asks you when you haven't seen them for a long time?

I answered pretty straightforwardly, smirking a little to myself while perusing through the menu. "Nope."

He pondered my response for a moment, eyebrows knit together in thought but somewhat smirking himself. Then he asked, "Have you ever been with anyone in the time that I've known you?" I've known him for about... six years I guess, possibly seven or eight. We met in high school.

"Nope."

"... " He paused, and the same response seemed to take him aback. He tilted his head and looked at me with a skeptical eye, "...Are you a lesbian?"

"Nope." Answered in much the same way as before but I couldn't help but laugh a little. "I like men quite a lot and my door isn't even able to swing the other way."

It's conversations like these that make me ponder how odd it must seem to some people when you've never really been in a relationship before... especially when someone hasn't seen you for a number of years and your relationship status has remained the same. My friend didn't pursue the issue, which took me by surprise since I would expect someone to then ask why. But no matter.
What amuses me more, however, is that later today another friend of mine that I also haven't seen in three years asked me the exact same question of my relationship status. I wish people would stop asking me this question; I'm tired of answering the same way. But I suppose many people see it as an important thing to ask, and I can give them that.

At any rate, on an unrelated note I've been giving some thought to a hot topic issue that comes up a lot in Christian and non-Christian circles: Church & State. I'll be honest and say right out that I don't know a lot about the history of the whole Church & State thing. I will also say that for a while I figured that the seperation between the two was ridiculous... at least when folks here in America would rant about "God" being found on paper money and the pledge of allegience. I still figure that it's well enough to keep things the way they always have been, since no one is forcing anyone to worship God just by having His name in certain public places. I for one used to omit saying "God" when I was adamantly against God, but I didn't want to take it out of the pledge of allegience; I didn't care about that.
While I know a lot of the Church & State seperation is over the common school house, I'd recently been reading through the Church History book I'm borrowing and how Constantine established the Church as the rule over the State (in so many words).
I was apalled. Some Christians saw it fit to bring Law upon those who were not Christians, to punish and judge them as if they were God. Folks became stagnant or insincere. The name of Jesus was used for political gain, and prominent people in the church sought power more than anything else. Churches would be more extravagant than any other buildings. Although corruption was a danger before, it would seem that the establishment of the Church as the head of the State cast in its stones... nay, I'd say it had cast in its bricks.
On the flip side of things, the major persecutions of the Christians stopped in Roman empire. Christians were free to walk the streets and build their churches. They didn't have to live in fear like they used to.

But still, I'm left wondering that as comfortability was put into place if the temptation of stagnation was as well.
So, as I reevaluate the idea of Church & State and the seperation thereof, I would be more inclined to say that the seperation is a good thing. Then again, anything in history and anything that happens at all is done for a reason; God had His purposes of allowing the combination of the two forces. Perhaps for mercy's sake. Perhaps for something totally other. But you know what, I don't think what this nation needs is the joined forces of Church & State, but instead what we need is persecution. Is it weird for me to say that? Probably. I for one don't like the idea of being pressed on every side and having to choose between renouncing Christ or death; though I'd like to think I know which I would choose in a heartbeat. Maybe Christ would be more real and dear and tangible, and really the only thing that we can cling to for hope if we were given black and white choices. I hear stories and read stories about brothers and sisters overseas and I am humbled. Their faith is so much greater than my own, that they could take a beating and keep on going to the foot of the Cross, keep on speaking the words of the love of Christ and know they could be killed for it. It's amazing, and praises be that God is using them to transform lives.
I pray that He will keep them strong. It'll be great to meet them in the presence of Glory.

Towers

When I was thinking about writing a journal entry earlier today, the notion to write about 9/11 never occurred to me. Just about half an hour ago, though, I finished watching a documentary on CBS about an FDNY fire station that two frenchmen compiled. I came about half way into it; turns out that the frenchmen were filming when 9/11 happened, and of course they caught every move this fire station made. One was in the first tower nearly the whole time; the other (they are brothers) was at the fire station when everything started happening. Over all, with interviews from the men from that station recounting that day, the documentary was hard to watch.

It's crazy to think about, that something so devastating only happened five years ago... our country hasn't been the same since, perhaps even the world. For example, less than a month ago, I was at a friends apartment playing Family Feud on old school NES..one of the surveys was to name the worlds tallest sky scrapers. After my friend listed many I would have never thought of, I gave it some thought... The World Trade Center came to mind, and it was one of those on the list.

I have never been the same since.
Looking back at an old Live Journal entry, I'm amazed. I'd forgotten that a few nights prior I had a dream about two buildings being bombed; but now with that entry recorded for me to look back on, I remember the dream fairly well... they were two malls and I was trying to get all of my friends out. I don't think I managed to do so.
9/11 happened while I wasn't yet a Christian, and I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to feel. I remember much of that morning pretty clearly. I'm 22 years old and I know that it is one of the most memorable days of my life. As the LJ entry says, I didn't think much of it at first, but as the day wore on, the more and more I felt the affects. I was shaken up inside, and wounded for those who had lost someone they knew. The first song that came to my mind was the opening of a U2 song: Sunday Bloody Sunday:

"I can't believe the news today;
I can't close my eyes and make it go away..."

Different subject, but those words could not have rung any more true with me.

Quite a contrast with Columbine.... when Columbine happened I didn't care and figured the kids who died in that deserved it anyway. Yeah, I was pretty cold-hearted. But when 9/11 rolled around, I ached. I wanted a hug. I wanted to go home.
It was the first night I prayed in years, if really at all. While I was only just becoming familiar with the one true God, I knew that whatever God was, whoever God was--if he even existed--God was the only thing I knew to turn to plead for the lives of the people affected by the attack, that they would have some kind of comfort. I wanted to embrace those affected and hold them close. I even wanted to be held onto by someone.
What saddens me about looking back at those journal entries is the fact that the following days were uplifting because a certain boy seemed to have taken an interest in me. If you're bored and want a peek at my high-school past, feel free to wander those entries. But I suppose it's well enough- that boy brought a curiosity about Christ out of me. Join that with the events and confusion about 9/11, and you see where my faith-journey began. It wasn't until a month later that I embraced Jesus as my Savior.

It makes me curious now... I think out of all of the friends that I have that I met at college, and I don't think there's one of them who I've asked about 9/11, or even talked about 9/11 with outside of sharing my testimony. I suppose that's from not having it constantly on my mind; though perhaps I just don't want to talk about it or subject anyone else to talk about it.
It's funny thinking about Before and After as well, especially in regard to the War on Terrorism. I do wonder, 'Are we really that much safer than we were before?' Well, honestly, probably not. God is the guy in charge, and if the devil wants to do something to humankind he has to first get permission from the Boss. It's crazy to think about it that way, especially in context of 9/11, but look at the story of Job. I would hope that it wouldn't shed a terrible light on the Lord of all the earth, because I love Him... but I can see how some people would be turned off to the slightest suggestion that terrible events are still within the control of God. What kind of loving God would allow something so awful to happen?
I could only wish to know how to answer that sort of question, besides suggesting that Yahweh does things for His glory. And even that answer isn't satisfactory; it raises a cry of, "How can a loving God be so selfish?" If I were God, I could answer that for you. But, because I am not at all like God in my fallen human nature, I cannot. It's probably better for us all that I am not a god... I'm sure many out there would agree.
Ecclesiastes sheds a little bit of light on the subject, at least. Check out chapter 3, verses 1 to 8:

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

There's a time for everything... the cycles of life - good and bad - are not unknown to God. 9/11 was not unknown to Him and it's not like He wasn't paying attention for something terrible to happen. So... really... ultimately I don't think America is all that much safer. I do think that the world at large is a bit more alert, and that perhaps some folks in America are a bit paranoid. Some people in authority have made grave mistakes since then.
But, if 9/11 did not happen, would the recent event in England every have been prevented? Or, because 9/11 did happen, was it just a copy-cat attempt? We may never know... perhaps it's not even important that we know. Rather than being 'safer,' a better phrase is that 'we are more prepared.' There are folks know how to handle natural disasters; maybe we really have been moving into an era in which we need to be prepared for unnatural disasters in which the planes no longer carry weapons but thought to be weapons of mass destruction in and of themselves.

Perhaps I am beginning to run down a rabbit trail. Many other thoughts tangent off of this subject. Example: President Bush and how the world hates him. While I make no active effort to be political in any shape or form, one thing is for certain: we sure don't have a whole lot of grace for a guy that's just as sin-soaked as the rest of us. But then again, I know we feel the room to be so cynical because he is supposed to be the leader. Must suck knowing that half the country is against you, though. There are certain things that make me favor Bush more than others, but I'll be honest, he and everyone else sure do make it hard to keep him in favor.
Like I said, tangent... huge tangent, since I usually avoid the political end of things. It's all a game I don't want to get tangled up in. But I bring up that tangent in particular because Bush was the one who was in office during 9/11. To cut him out of the picture entirely would leave for an image full of holes.
The other rabbit trail that comes to mind is End Times.
There's a quote I kind of like, despite its tragic outlook on life: Every day brings us one step closer to death. Seems kind of obvious. Perhaps just as obvious is that ever since the Fall, we've been ever closer to the End Times than we were before the Fall. But why worry about the End Times, in the sense of wondering when it's going to happen? When it starts happening, you'll know. Till then, enjoy life--no, better yet, embrace life.

Alas, I have rambled quite a bit more than I intended. When you find yourself talking about things that aren't necessarily connected to the main topic, you know you've said too much.

Y

There's Another Train

The beginning is now and will always be
You say you lost your chance, then fate brought you defeat
but that means nothing, you look so sad
You've been listening to those who say you missed your chance

There's another train, there always is
Maybe the next one is yours
Get up and climb aboard another train

You feel you're done; there's no such thing
although you're standing on your own your own, breath is king
The beginning is now don't turn around
Regrets of bad mistakes will only drain you

There's another train, there always is
Maybe the next one is yours
Get up and climb aboard another train

We crawl in the dark sometimes and think too much
Then we fill our heads with crazy things that only break our hearts
and I know you've seen what the earth can do
When it's dragging down another load of worrisome fools

There's another train, there always is
Maybe the next one is yours
Get up and climb aboard another train

I know it's hard when you feel confused
You can crown yourself with fear till you feel you cannot move
You're building worlds that don't exist
Imagination plays the worst tricks

There's another train, there always is
Maybe the next one is yours
Get up and climb aboard another train
There always is
Maybe the next one is yours
Get up and climb aboard another train

-- Pete Morton
I heard this song a long time ago though I didn't know that a man wrote and sang it originally. The one I know is a beautiful rendition that a woman did, and I heard it again today. The Lord knows so well what I need to hear.

Crikey!

Yet again, news unrelated to art...

Steve Irwin dies due to stingray injury.

You know, as terrible as it is to say it, you knew that Steve was going to die because something in the animal kingdom. Call me crazy, but I don't see it as a fault. Maybe that's because I have had a certain fondness for the wacky Austrailians antics with crocodiles and various other deadly creatures. Some people think he was insane doing that, but there's something terribly admirable about a man who has an insatiable curiosity and desire to learn more - and then, in turn, share that with the world.
Would it be so strange to admire a man who dies doing what he loves best? Perhaps it's some sort of weird romanticized admiration, made out to be more than what it actually is. There's nothing wrong with getting old and dying; in fact, that's probably the way I'd like to be shuffled out... nevermind the fact that it's very difficult to find ways to die while making two-dimensional art. But I digress.
Steve Irwin had passion for what he did and it oozed out of every pore of his body. Most people with that sort of passion are deemed as crazy, radical (or heretical), and eccentric. Regardless of one's feelings about it, I'm sure we all have a bite of appreciation for that sort of passion and wish that we would realize what our own passions are.

Prayers go out to the Irwins... may the Lord comfort their hearts in this time.

Bits from the thickets of Facebook: Wow. There are 265 groups (and likely more to come) dedicated to Steve Irwin.

Da Vinci and Phillip

Come and See: Leonardo da Vinci's Phillip in The Last Supper. Click here.

I don't know how I missed this two weeks ago... Makoto Fujimura's thoughts regarding the currently-controversial da Vinci and the painting's true code. Worth a read to see a bit of a critique on the painting, art, and the church.

Sex and Violence

Okay okay... so the last post was me being all whiny about an art piece that wasn't coming together. I haven't tried pulling it together yet, since I'm totally throwing in the towel; trial and error. Now I know what not to do when I'm trying to make something like that, if I try it again. Time to look forward and forget what is behind me. The two other pieces are coming along well and hopefully the end result will prove to be fruitful. Also, once I get back into some kind of art groove, my entries will be more art-related. Till then...

On to this business of Sex and Violence.
While I don't remember which book brought it to my attention, but in my past readings I came across an interesting statement. The writer basically pointed out the fact that Christians are gun-shot quick to point out sexual situations in movies and television, but not so quick to gripe about the violence in television. This caught my attention because it's definitely something I find true of myself: I'm pretty quick to let my brothers know if there is a sex scene with frontal nudity in a movie that I had the chance to see before them, and basically tell them to look out for it and guard their eyes. Not a peep of a warning will come out of me about violence, to anybody and I look it over.

As a believer, I know that God does not take delight in the glorification of sex outside of marriage, nor does He take delight in the glorification of violence. And yet, some of my favored movies have got violence coming out all over the place. Shaun of the Dead and Kill Bill are on one extreme, being overly ridiculous and fake; Fight Club is on the other end, though not as violent as what I've heard about The History of Violence... a movie I want to see, but almost sounds like it's more than what I can take.
Perhaps Christians get more agitated by the glorification of sex because it's something we know we can experience and hold as sacred... Not only that, but we know we can easily fall into the temptation of lust through sexual sounds and images. Violence, on the other hand, is something we can separate ourselves from. We figure we aren't tempted to be violent after seeing such material. I know for myself that I can think, "I could never do that and no one who is stable would really want to." But, did you know that overtly violent films still put garbage in my head...?
Yet I struggle knowing that violence is a part of every day life. Life is not meant to be filled with violence, but we live in a post-Fall world and I appreciate it when serious movies keep it real and don't brush off the rough parts of life.

Another book that I'm currently reading gave fuel to these thoughts.. actually the church history book I'm reading. Let me quote something for you that is in the context of early Christians rejecting pagan lifestyles:

"Other social events Christians rejected because they found
them wrong in themselves. Gladitorial combats, for example,
were to the Christian inhuman. In amphitheaters all across
the empire, the Romans forced prisoners of war and slaves to
fight with each other to the death, just for the amusement of
the crowd. The excitement was seductive. As late as the early
fifth century, Augustine tells the story of his friend Alypius, who
agreed to attend a spectacle to please a friend, but resolved to
keep his eyes shut. When the shouting began, his eyes popped
open, and he was yelling aboved the rest."

Alypius didn't want to watch in the beginning, and found no delight in the idea of men fighting to the death... but, "the excitement was seductive," and the rest is supposed-history. And that was over tangible life and death violence; what I speak of is simply theatre. I have to wonder at what point is it okay to be entertained by violence, since it seems so obvious that it is never okay to be entertained by watching other people have sex. It has the appearance of a double standard, doesn't it?

Then a whole other question comes into play that I won't even touch on because I don't even know how to answer it: How do you keep connected to contemporary times through movies and television, without compromising certain values?

Another point of interest is the fact that horror flicks basically couple violence and sex in the same breath. Figure that one out.

Anyway... enough of those thoughts from me. More uplifting thoughts to come later centered on unrelated topics.

Y