I've probably complained about it being really hot in Philadelphia during the summer more times than I can actually count. So I'll refrain, and simply say that it's hot and it makes me want to do absolutely nothing. Humidity saps my energy and strength almost as quickly as Kryptonite saps Superman's.
Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of the day I married the love of my life, lost my virginity later that day (woohoo!), and started on the amazing journey of the rest of our lives. We're goofy and have fun with one another. We don't really do "romantic" outings, because not only is the iconic idea of romance expensive, it is also very awkward and not our style. I'd rather go eat the most amazing barbeque in the city than at a five-star restaurant that requires formal attire. Those places just feel rigid and unnatural to me. They kind of freak me out. Anyway. Three years later, it's still just the beginning, and there is much adventure and obstacles on the road ahead of us. Much has happened in three years, and so much more is to come. It is slightly frightening, but even more exciting.
Sometimes I reflect on my wedding day and think about all the "oh, I wish we did that," after attending the ceremonies of several friends. In retrospect, I feel like things could have been done differently. Really, I didn't know what the hell I was doing putting a wedding together more-or-less on my own. I did not put together an amazing party for my friends and family. But I have to stop that on-coming train wreck of thought, and realize that it doesn't matter. All the money, flowers, professional photographers, and hip, out-of-the-box ideas in the world could not replace the words and vows shared between my husband and I. That is all a lovestruck girl really wanted: an upstanding man to look me in the eye and pledge his unwavering love and commitment, and to do the same back.
I have a problem with comparing my life to other friends who are married, which always leads to a bad place. I look and see friends who already have a house, a dog (which is undeniably more responsibility than two cats), a kid (or two), and have an envious cloud come up before my eyes. I want a house with A/C, with a washer and dyer, and a dishwasher. I want a yard in which I can grow herbs and tomatoes and peppers. I want to start a family that is beyond my wonderful cats. I want a second car so I can go where I want, when I want. I suddenly become more and more dissatisfied with where I live, how I live, and the way I got married. Envy -- our more perhaps Biblically, covetousness -- is a nasty thing that rises up in you and makes you think that everything you have sucks, and that everything everyone else has is gloriously amazing. And then I start to think that oh, if only we had more money, it would fix everything, because I see money as the enemy and that is the only reason why I do not have the things that I want.
No. It would not. Money would not suddenly become my friend and fix everything that I perceive as being wrong in my life. It might help things out a little, but it would not fix anything. Namely, it would not fix my heart nor my attitude.
I am very blessed to be married to a man that loves me, who does not turn his gaze to pornography when he wants to escape, who does not hurt me or lord over me. I am very blessed to live in a nice apartment. I am very blessed, even, to have two kitties who make me laugh and satisfy my love of furry creatures. I may even be blessed to not have had children yet - which is harder to admit, but in many ways I know we are not ready to have a baby be it psychologically, or even financially. It is pretty awesome that I can get fresh fruit and veggies at all from Whole Foods or even better, from one of the many local outdoor markets in Philadelphia. What I need to learn is some patience, and with patience, praying that the Lord would make a way for these things to happen sometime, and that we would both focus on enjoying Him first, and being thankful for what we have now. Wanting some of those things isn't bad per se (like wanting a family), but throwing a mental tantrum over it is probably not the best thing to do.
Besides. It isn't the material things that make life satisfying. Anyone who follows the farcical lives of celebrities will know that they are some of the most unsatisfied, unhappy people in the world. I don't want that. I want to be satisfied in knowing that I have a God who loves me and cares for me, and will get me through all the hardships the world can throw at me through Christ. I'm still working on that, clearly, and I don't always understand what that means. But it is helpful to have a husband around who is trying to do the same thing, and that we can encourage one another in faith. And that is probably the biggest "material" blessing I can have, through thick and thin.
So here's to three years of marriage, and ten times as many to come.
4 comments:
Glad to hear you have the right attitude or at least you're trying to get there. As someone who has some of the things on your list of wants I can tell you that once you get there you still find people who have something else. Besides, take solace in the fact that if your water heater and/or furnace break it's not you who has to fix them. :)
Good to hear from you.
Jake - I know, I was thinking about that when writing. There's always something more and the "want" beast always looks for the higher and better things. And, when Scott and I actually do own a house, we're going to be clueless on how to fix things because neither of us are too handy! It'll be an adventure, that's for sure.
I can't believe its been three years Yiv! Your wedding was beautiful and heartfelt. I remember it quite fondly.
We all get bogged down in the could be and I wish mindsets sometimes. The key is to not let them make you think less of the wonderful life you have now, but give you some fire for what you want to work towards; and to remember that there is a time that things are meant to come to pass. Until then, key an eye to the wonderful parts of your current circumstances (which it sounds like you are doing!).
Hugs!
*keep an eye, not key an eye! ouch!
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